Proud

The last few days have been very interesting and surprising to me. When it was still May and I was dreading June- even hating on it- I didn't think I would have any days until after the 11th where I would feel anything but despair. I was pleasantly surprised with the weekend and even how I feel this morning.

On Saturday I had rehearsal for the play I'm in and got to spend the entire day dancing. I don't know if I can describe how I feel when I am dancing or singing- I am not particularly good at either but i still enjoy it very much- I guess you could say I feel free. I don't feel the anger or the sadness looming over me. It's a bit like an out of body experience I guess, I know that when I walk out of that room all the crap I have going on will be waiting for me, but its like it cant touch me when I'm in there. My own protective dance bubble if you will. I felt great (and tired- i mean i was dancing ALL day) and for a little while I got to forget who I am and what I've been through and I had an opportunity to remember why I love being on stage so much. I was so grateful for those 5 hours where I got to be someone else for a little while. Still me I guess... just a version of myself I had forgotten until that point.

Saturday night I went through our external hard drive to purge out some of the things we didn't need anymore and came across all of our old photos from the last 7 years. My husband and I have had this incredible journey that again, because of my sadness, i had forgotten all about. When i describe my anger taking over me- it really does take over all of me, my memories, my thoughts... and I had forgotten all the amazing times we had had together before January. It's like my mind was blocking it out because I really couldn't believe I could be happy again... and then there it was in front of me... each photo bringing me back to the time it was taken and I was completely overcome with gratitude for all that we have been through. The good and the bad, we have always done it together... grown together... learned from our experiences together.... all the while preparing us for now... its like it all dawned on me that the last 7 years have helped shape and form us into the people we are now so that we could get through our loss together.

I was, and am, so humbled and grateful when I looked back at our relationship as a whole and could see the path leading up to now. There are so many people in this world who don't get to experience that- and even though i despise some of the paths that have lead us to now, I couldn't be more thankful for the person that has been by my side the entire ride.

On Sunday I decided to go to church to see if I could have a conversation with God and get some answers. I want to understand what all this was for. It kills me to think that it was all for a greater purpose... wasn't our son supposed to be my greater purpose? Then an old friend who has been through something similar told me that to her- her loss and experiences within it have given her a greater understanding of loss, and now she is uniquely qualified to somewhat understand what someone else in our sad little club might be feeling. It's somewhat new and strange for me to try and think that way... but it game me hope.

When we first starting sharing our story I can't tell you how many people felt like they could share with me about their own losses- and some of them even told me that our conversation was the first time they've talked about it since it happened. I was so touched by that, and also intimidated by the bond that I now shared with these people. It's the absolute worst club to be in... but if my loss can help someone else connect or help them revisit these powerful emotions then it's all worth it- and maybe in that way Mason still is my greater purpose. He made me uniquely aware of my own feelings and how to help someone else with theirs. He has also helped me realize that things and people that have hurt me in the past aren't worth the energy I once gave to them. It also made me feel like I need to reach out and make amends with those that I have wronged in the past- even though that part can be terrifying... a little part of me feels like Mason is guiding me, and that I am somehow making him proud of me.... which really is the biggest blessing because I am so proud to be his mom- and that has taken me a long time to realize.