Mason's Due Date

We hit a new milestone this week... Mason's due date was Monday, May 11th. I've been avoiding writing about it because I wasn't sure how I would handle it. Tomorrow will be a week, so I figured I should give it a shot. It seems like so long ago that we were making our Halloween Costumes telling the world that we were pregnant...

Our 2011 Halloween Costumes and pregnancy announcement.

It's almost like a dream when I really think about it. I wake up sometimes and go to reach for my stomach and it's like I relive everything all over again. I was so scared for all the days leading up to the 11th, trying to prepare myself somehow for how I would feel and trying to do damage control early. I'm not sure why I always convince myself I can control things when I think the universe has proven to me many times that I can't.

Surprisingly, I woke up fully knowing what that day was, and I looked over at my husband who was already awake and looking at me and I smiled. I don't know how to describe it besides a warm calmness that washed over me and I knew everything was going to be ok. We took our time lounging in bed with our animals. In fact, we had already decided to spend the day unplugged from the rest of the world so we took our time getting up, eating breakfast and getting ready.

We spent most of the day at a beach in Santa Cruz that we used to go to all the time before we lived in Monterey. We call it dog beach because dogs are allowed to run around without a leash, but neither of us even thought to bring our dog. I guess on some level we both knew we wanted to be alone. We spent the day laying on the sand talking, napping, people watching, listening to music and enjoying ourselves. In the past I've always experienced guilt for being content, but not that day. Why, I'll never know, but I was just happy to be with my husband on the beach and happy not to question it.

Enjoying each other and the beauty around us.

That night I was scheduled for rehearsal but I had anticipated being a ball of goo, so I had pre-arranged not to be there that night weeks ago. However, the days leading up to Mason's day the happiest I had been was in rehearsal with my cast. It dawned on me that if I was going to have to live through that day (and of course I was) I should do something that really makes me happy. So, the day before I got permission to bring my husband with me and we went to rehearsal. I had posted on my facebook that we were wearing blue for Mason and when I got there I was truly overwhelmed when I saw how much of my cast was sporting blue.

I don't think these people will ever really know what being in this show truly means to me, and what they mean to me... but to see so many of them wearing blue - while also treating me like they do at any normal rehearsal... it just meant the whole world to me. I feel like myself again when I am around them, and when I am performing... so to feel that support and that acceptance, well I was truly honored and humbled.

After rehearsal a member of the cast presented me and my husband with a card that had been signed by everyone and a bouquet of beautiful roses. I was so honored that any of them even wore blue, so this gesture really took my breath away. I had to hide for a minute with my head tucked into my husband's shoulder just so I could continue rehearsal.

The beautiful flowers and card from my cast

I have learned within the many disappointing interactions with loads of people in my lifetime to have low expectations. I don't mean that in a woe is me kind of way, but a truthful one. People can disappoint you... but that night was beyond anything I could have ever asked for, or even prayed for. I didn't want any special treatment, I just wanted to be able to spend a few hours of a day that I already hated doing something I loved. I not only got to do that, but I found out that I have this entire support system.. and I couldn't have asked for a better life lesson on that day.

Which brings me to something I am trying to work out within myself. If I was still pregnant with Mason then I never would have experienced that special night, in fact I wouldn't have even been able to do the play. My new job falls into that as well, I can't think of many companies that would hire a 7 months pregnant woman. I love my new job, and I love my cast... I'm even starting to love my shrinking body... is it ok for me to appreciate these things when I should be enjoying a newborn?

The days after Mason's due date have been interesting. The day of and the day after I felt calm and ok with my reality, but the last few days have been different. I've had this heaviness that I haven't been able to shake. I've gotten pretty good at hiding it, but when I'm alone and without plans is when I can't escape it. The other night I was so overcome with sadness that I couldn't even talk... I found myself getting furious over the stupid things people called problems that day. All I could think about was the fact that I should be holding a new born right in that moment, and someone was complaining about which show to watch next. I was just a lump that my husband was trying so hard to help. He even tried to take me on a date, and I don't think I even made eye contact with him.

Then today, I wake up and its Father's Day and I am overcome with adoration and respect for the man that was sleeping next to me. I felt so appreciative of him and the life he is trying to build for us. I love that he can look so optimistically into our future and just know that everything is going to be ok. I wish I could be more like him sometimes- especially when I have the bad days. Today I spent the day with my dad, who is an amazing man and father... and it turned out to be a great day.

 I also got some surprise news from a friend that I truly love dearly. In the past when I've heard this same news about people that I am not as fond of I ended up angry at the world. Today, when I heard this news it gave me hope. I was so happy and excited and my reaction showed me that I am healing.. through God, through myself, things are changing and that helps me see the world the way my husband does.