It's been a few weeks since my last entry, and for good reason I suppose. There has been a lot of things going on keeping me busy- my new job, play rehearsals, dance classes, and oh yeah- I thought I was pregnant.
With my brain full to capacity, it seemed impossible to even attempt to write out my thoughts to try and make any sense of things. Let me start at the beginning... Since making the decision to wait until we're ready, my husband and I have taken extra precautions to prevent the unexpected surprise, but I mean... my husband is REALLY hot... so sometimes... well... I'll let you revert back to being in a gym full of 13 year olds while uncomfortable PE teachers explain things to you...
Anyway, I was about 10 days away from getting my monthly confirmation that my life still sucks (not completely...just kinda) and I was feeling horrible every single day- exhausted, emotional and throwing up every night. The last one is what really had me convinced- and the fact that I've been eating healthy while exercising way more than normal and not shedding a single pound. It was all very suspicious... but I had to wait until results (if there were any) would show up... so i waited... and waited... when I could finally take a test it was negative. I remembered that the first test was negative back when I actually was pregnant so I decided to try again in a few days just to be sure... then there was more waiting... and another negative test.
The next day I got my monthly 'gift' and spent about 20 minutes crying my eyes out. Then I picked myself up and reminded myself that it's not the right time for this to happen and that God had a plan for me. I have to remind myself of this a lot, because it's still hard to relinquish control. I am trying, I swear.... but....I feel like I should warn you that the next part is very 'why me' and in the tone of a selfish whiny brat... but let's go with it...
Then the next day I heard that 2 of the most vile human beings I have ever met were both pregnant and I couldn't help the anger that washed over me. When I say vile... I am being nice. I know that it's wrong to feel that way about people... but believe me, I have good reason. That being said I just have a really hard time trying to figure out what God's bigger picture is when revolting people like that get to have this blessing and I don't. I'm not claiming to be perfect by any means- I think all my blog entries are proof that I am aware of my flaws- but sometimes... it's just really hard to have faith that things are going to be ok. THEN I heard that someone I care about is pregnant too- and I couldn't be more happy for them... so it kind of balanced out my emotions.... I know, even I don't understand how my brain works...
I've been struggling with this ever since we were dragged into this mess... what am I supposed to be learning about myself? What am I supposed to do in the future? Who am I supposed to be when I come out of this? I know, again, I need to relinquish control and have faith but like I said- its really hard. Sometimes it feels like there is no point to any of this, that it's all random and we got dealt the crappy hand. I keep wondering what it is I am being punished for- and why really horrible people are getting these blessings that I would give anything for. I don't understand what it's all supposed to mean, and I guess I never will as long as I am looking for it...
I really want to lie and say that the last few weeks have been going as well as my last post but I guess I'm in the lower part of this roller coaster... I don't feel happy, I don't feel optimistic and right now I don't have any faith it will get better. I can feel pieces of myself slipping away as each day gets closer and closer to June 11th. The day my son would have been born if all of this didn't happen to me. It's so overwhelming to me right now, to have a date on a calendar have so much power over me, yet even when I realize what's going on I have zero control over how it effects me.
There is a saying that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it. What am I supposed to do when I feel like it's the other way around? When I feel like I can't even breathe, and I can feel my patience draining, and all this hard work I have put into myself for the last 5 months just slipping from my fingers... what am I supposed to do? Let it happen... let this darkness take over me? What does that accomplish? It's like as much as I know logically that letting the bad parts take over, I know equally trying to pretend they aren't there is just as damaging. So I'm at this impasse where my insides don't match the outside that I am trying so hard to project.
I have this white-board calendar and I haven't been able to write in June's days yet. It's so stupid, and even though I know this, I still can't seem to do it. Something so small and stupid and I can't even get my shit together to write some days on a white board... what the hell does that mean? For a control freak like me, not knowing what is going on is terrifying but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. It's like I'm living in 2 worlds simultaneously and I'm not sure which one I prefer...
There is something that I keep reminding myself as I go up and down on this crazy ride.. the only good thing about the low parts- is that the only place to go is up.
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