despicable me

I am an awful human being. Truly... just despicable. This is not a joke, I am the worst. I've been struggling with how to explain this feeling I experienced a few weeks ago. Jealousy has reared its ugly head, as quickly as it came it went; but the sour taste of it is still in my mouth. I'm ashamed to admit that I was jealous of my friends who recently went through a heartbreaking pregnancy with a diagnosis of Anencephaly. Let me explain...

Neural tube defects practically ruined my life, and they have forever scarred me- literally and figuratively. I would never wish them upon even my worst enemy, so you can imagine how devastated i was to hear that some friends of mine from church were struggling through their own diagnosis. My son had Spina Bifida, but there is another side of the neural spectrum called Anencephaly. Anencephalic babies are missing a major part of their skull and brain. Most don't make it to full term. A lot of people in this situation make the decision that we did, to end their pregnancy but a few (the extremely brave and strong few) decide to continue on with their pregnancy.

My friends decided to continue, and that was the first bout of jealousy i experienced. I was jealous of their strength and how their faith didn't waiver. I was jealous that I couldn't be that strong. When we got our diagnosis i crumbled into less than a person and my faith was shattered... it's still something I'm struggling to build back. I was so impressed with their attitude going into their diagnosis, their persistent faith in God, and the amount of support their family offered. But along with being impressed and inspired by them, i was jealous that i never had that kind of strength.

My 2nd bout of jealous came when Aubrey gave birth to Leilah. She lived longer than anyone expected, a true blessing from God. It was truly a miracle- they were told if she was born alive at all (which is something like 1%) she would only be with them anywhere between 2 hours to 2 days. While i was praying for every day they got with her, and extremely happy for every moment they got, I was jealous of those 3 days, and that I would never get them with my son. It was a strange feeling to feel so much for my friend and her family while also being pulled down by emotions I've tried to avoid for so long.

I still remember trying to make the decision if we should consider continuing our pregnancy... I remember that it felt like only a few minutes but in reality they left us in that room to talk for almost an hour. We didn't do much talking, we didn't need to. Once they told us our son was in pain, that he could feel the effects of his defect, our decision was made. Anencephalic babies typically can't feel pain, so if it was me, I would have made the same decision as Aubrey and her family. There are still moments when I can't be strong and i doubt our decisions and I hate myself for not being braver. When i think about it, I wrestle between feeling angry with myself for my decisions and feeling comfort in knowing I made the decision that ended his suffering. Those are also the moments when I am blown away by Aubrey and her strength.

In the end I ended up angry at myself that I have suppressed the "what if's" so much that they had no choice to come out when I was confronted with a similar situation. I couldn't believe that i was experiencing jealousy over an impossible situation. When i talked to my husband about it, he made me see that i shouldn't be ashamed of what i was feeling. He was so sure of our decision, and helped me remember all the reasons we made it. He also pointed out that I've never really talked about how much I wanted to deliver our son. When we decided to end our pregnancy we had 2 options- surgery or delivery. I wanted to deliver him but everyone talked me out of it and it's something I've always regretted and I've always kept that as a silent struggle. (You can read more about that in my posts from January 2012).

As their pregnancy went on they started a blog, if you want to read her beautiful mama's words I highly recommend you check out Leilah's story. Aubrey has no idea how amazing she truly is. I still can't even fathom what it must have been like for her to actually live this experience, to be afraid to sleep and miss any moments of Leilah's life... Her last entry in particular really got me- some of her words were too familiar and brought me back in time, and some of them broke me to tears... her honesty is beautiful and strong and delicate all at the same time.

At Leilah's service Aubrey stood in front of everyone and spoke about the moment they saw Leilah, and how she wasn't healed and all the things she experienced. I was so moved by what she said, i wish i had thought to recorded it or write it down so i could read it every day. She spoke about the moment that she thought would break her, and instead it solidified her faith in God. It was so beautiful... that moment restored all my faith in God, that He is good and He always has a plan. Aubrey will never know how much her sharing her story with me really helped heal wounds I didn't even realize i still had.

I used to think God put me through this to help other moms through their loss, and I thought that was true when He brought Aubrey and I together. I thought I was here to help her; what ended up happening was more amazing than I could have ever dreamed, Leilah healed my heart and saved me.