I've been struggling with the question "So how do you like living out here" since we moved in October. Usually I just say I like it and move on, with my friends my face gives away the real answer but I'm still having a hard time putting into words. How do I explain how I'm feeling without coming off as an ungrateful bitch?
I am so happy to have a house, in fact, it's one of the only things keeping me sane. The fact that I can pour all my time and attention (and money... yikes) into it really helps distract me from the feeling of loneliness that plagues me every day. I know what you're thinking.. I have my husband and baby... plus my in laws are literally next door... there is even my husbands entire extended family down the street. So how do I end up feeling so alone? As much as I love them (and I seriously do) they aren't mine. My entire extended family is strewn across the US, but my immediate family has always been in close proximity to me. YES they annoy the heck out of me sometimes, but they're still my family and the fact is, I've never lived in a place where I had to go so long in between visits.
The same goes with my friends, I have been blessed with some of the best friends in the world and I really miss being able to grab the baby and go visit them at a moments notice. I am basically just missing my entire support system. Up until 2 weeks ago I was working so much and spending a ton of my time commuting so I felt totally cut off from everyone, including my husband and baby. I hated that I was never around and I could feel myself falling back to my introvert ways (like when we lived away from home and it was just the two of us.)
Some of it is my social anxiety, and some of it is the fact that I've been so tired between working, home improvement, watching our daughter and trying to still do the normal human being things like showering and eating but I haven't really put myself out there to grow any bonds between my husbands family or to make any new friends. Part of me doesn't want to (because as I've mentioned I already have the best friends in the world) I also need a REALLY good reason to spend any time away from my daughter.
That brings me to another topic, it hasn't escaped me that the 2 year anniversary to my surgery has come and gone. I didn't have any major meltdowns or any huge revelations... I just felt the same as I did during the holidays- a little down. I wouldn't categorize myself as depressed, but I would definitely say that things haven't been easy for me emotionally (or financially) and there isn't much I can do about it right now, except to keep doing the things I need to each day. One bright spot in all of this is my daughter. She is my entire world, and while I was home with her today I was thinking about Mason, and I think he gave me a gift of selflessness.
I was thinking about when I was pregnant with him and the kind of person I was. I definitely lived for attention, I needed everyone to know every detail about my pregnancy and I was still a pretty selfish person. The minute that pregnancy changed, most of my personality did too. I got through it, but it wasn't without scars, and those scars are still evident to me every day. The other thing I got from it was a new outlook on what I needed in life vs what I wanted in life. I think that's why I'm so obsessed with my daughter, and how I'll gladly drop everything for her. I think that's why it's so hard for me to talk about being unhappy here, because I know in the end, it's the best decision we could have made for her. She's the reason behind all my decisions, and I'm just trying to figure out how to live with the latest one. That sounds a bit more dramatic than I intended it to, my reality is just different than what I thought it would be like moving out here.
I am starting to make changes though, I got a new job where I make more and have to work less.. a win/win in my book. I actually like my job, mainly because I don't have to think about it once I step out of the office. I really love that I'm home by lunchtime and get to spend the whole day with my daughter. It's only been 2 weeks but I can see I made the right decision. It didn't help us financially at all, but I'm happier and to me that makes me richer than before.
Our finances have been a struggle, which is new for me. I don't mean to sound spoiled... Kev and I have never been wealthy but we've always managed and even had room for fun. This move was supposed to help us get out of debt but that hasn't been the case. Our income went down- Kev could transfer with the same company but only at part time and my initial move with the bank was lateral. Our expenses went up- we're now paying bills we didn't have before so our bank account is always mad at us. Luckily, this isn't something we argue about. No one is at fault, it's just our current circumstance and we are both working hard to get out of it. That's something we both recognize luckily. I know it's hard for my husband though, he gets the brunt of my frustrations and I really don't give him enough credit for knowing how to deal with me.
I know it's only been a few months, and that helps me go through the day- to- day too. Just because I'm having a hard time adjusting doesn't mean I can't enjoy some of the perks of having our own property. We are trying to adopt a dog for Averie. She loves our in laws lab, and we really want to get her a friend to grow up with. Picking the right dog has been a process, but we're hoping to make an addition to our family soon. As far as the other kind of addition to the family, we have firmly decided to wait until October to get back on the baby making train. We want time to get our finances in order, time for me to work on getting in shape, time for Averie to enjoy our full attention, time to finish our house... noticing a theme here? We'd just like some time to figure things out without wasting too much of it and creating too big of an age gap between kids. The fact that I hate being pregnant isn't rushing me into it either haha
I never know how to end these... I have always been honest here, and this post was long overdue... so... did I mention I'm super awkward?
*I didn't have time to go back and clean up my mind dump, so please forgive any weird worded sections and tangents!
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