Anniversary

I've been avoiding this blog the last few weeks- which was made easy by our Internet being down- but even when it was back I wasn't running to write. I've been stuck in my head a lot, mainly since the days before Christmas. A few days before Christmas I looked at the calendar and realized that it was the day I got the phone call that our tests were abnormal and I feel like I haven't felt normal since then. I know people say mood swings are common with pregnant women, but even my husband has said he hasn't seen much of a change through most of my pregnancy. However, he has noticed a greater change since I was told I have GD and even worse once I realized what anniversary was coming.

I don't like that word for what I'm going through. Anniversaries have always been a happy thing for me, so I don't like associating what I'm going through with that- but it is what it is I suppose. I kind of feel like I've been living out of body the last few weeks. I've been emotionally disconnected from the holidays- something that used to be my favorite time of year. I hit a wall somewhere with bad news (which is probably a good thing) where I just cant seem to get upset when I hear it now. I lost interest in a lot of things that usually make me happy. The only thing I seem to be excited about these days is getting Averie's nursery ready and I'm really thankful that I still have something that excites me.

Yesterday was exactly one year from when we lost Mason. I had the displeasure of being able to recall every detail from the day I got the phone call through yesterday's date. I could remember so clearly what I was doing and feeling each day leading up to the 12th. Even when I tried to distract myself with work, with Averie's room, with the holidays my mind always wandered back to where I didn't want it. I couldn't bring myself to read any of the entries from last year... I didn't need to- they were on constant replay in my mind.

The memory that haunted me the most was the day before, Jan 11th where I can remember and feel so clearly everything I was experiencing... laying in the Dr's office with silent tears wondering how my life had gotten to this point, and laying in bed all night not being able to sleep just praying and talking to Mason all while being completely jealous that my husband could find a way to sleep at all that night.

It's frustrating to have these feelings when I know logically that we have come so far, and that we are about to be blessed with meeting our daughter in the weeks to come. I feel like I should be stronger at this point- and some days I am- but the inconsistency is what drives me nuts.

My husband and I decided that getting away from everyone and everything on the 12th would be the best thing for us. We decided to go to Monterey and visit our spot, where I wrote to Mason so many times and spend the day wandering around the beautiful scenery. We were lucky too, although it was cold it couldn't have been a more beautiful day to go sit and watch the water. As we were sitting there I was hit with an overwhelming thought: When Averie is here, I can't be sad anymore. This little girl deserves everything wonderful that this world can offer, and a sad mommy does not fit into that image. I really need to get this grief under control and make sure when she grows up, she doesn't have memories of her mom as a sad pathetic mess.

I'm not really one for making New Year's Resolutions because I feel like if you want to do something you do it- don't pretend a holiday is the reason behind it... but I guess my moment on the beach yesterday really woke me up that this is something I need to pay attention to and really work on changing it. I know I have talked about getting my mental health in check before and I've been lazy about doing it- but now i know its not optional anymore. I need to do this for my daughter, so she can have a healthy and happy mommy and I can start feeling better regularly. My husband thinks that now that we've run out of firsts and anniversaries that I'll have an easier time moving on. I really pray that he is right- but I'm still going to take the necessary steps to make sure that it's true.

I'm not ignorant to the fact that depression is something all the women in my family have struggled with at some point. I also know that depression isn't just being upset about something... the kind I've experienced in different parts of my life take over my whole being- and while I can reassure you that I am not to that point- I can't reassure you that I wont be later if I don't figure things out now. I've been reading up on post-pardum depression and even my Dr's have told me with my history I am at risk for it to happen to me. This would get in the way of me being the best mom I can be to Averie, so I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent it.

Yesterday ended up being everything my husband and I needed it to- we took time for ourselves and then we found ourselves happily distracted by all things Averie. It was a totally organic, unplanned switch to our day- and it wasn't until I was going to bed that I realized it had happened, and it gave me so much hope for our future, for my future and for our daughter's future.