The C-Word

I have never in my life despised hearing a single word as much as I despise hearing this word. It doesn't go away either... every time I think I get away from it a little bit and I'm in the clear... BAM... the C-word comes and punches me in the face yet again. It's a dirty mofo of a word and I swear if I go the rest of my life without hearing it- it'll still be too soon.

Of course I'm talking about Cesarean. That stupid word... it IS going to be the death of me.

Perhaps I should back up a bit... my last few doctor appointments have been going well and that dirty little word hasn't been brought up at all....until today. In fact last week I lost a pound and this week I stayed at the same weight... so my total weight gain for this pregnancy is still at 7lbs but somehow I have a giant baby growing inside of me. I get that I'm small so I look bigger... I get that I have GD which usually causes bigger babies BUT I was told that going through all this crap would work in my favor. Doing all the testing, scheduling, eating, exercising ect. would keep the baby where she should be. It's exhausting feeling like I'm constantly doing things I hate for the greater good for months now only to be told its not making a damn bit of difference. It's just so frustrating knowing that nothing your doing is helping, especially when its your own body working against you.

Despite my lack of weight gain (which you think would be comforting but when I look in the mirror I just see this swollen lump) Averie is still measuring much larger than she should be. Today she measured at 38 weeks... I'm only 35 weeks. Her weight is over 5lbs and she should only be a little over 4. We're getting to the point in my pregnancy where she should be gaining a half pound a week which would put me closer to 9lbs around the time I'm supposed to deliver. Another lovely hiccup? She's in the breech position which complicates things if she doesn't turn head down in the next 2 weeks.

That's where once again that stupid bitch of a C-word keeps popping up. I know my doctors understand that I want to experience a vaginal birth more than anything. I honestly feel like they want to respect my wishes too... however I now feel like I'm being groomed for a C-Section. They keep saying that we'll just wait and see but then give me a ton of information on what is going on, and what my options are that all seem to lead back to a C-Section. People have told me "don't let the doctors intimidate you into doing something you don't want to" well let me tell you something... There is no way in hell I am pushing out a 9lb baby from my 4'10" frame AND there is no way in hell I am foregoing an epidural if they have to induce. I want a natural child birthing experience with natural pain. The drugs they use to induce labor are powerful- and increase labor pain a considerable amount.... in the words of Kristen Bell "I've got nothing to prove!" Especially if I'm going to have to be induced. Here's another thing: I trust my doctors and I will listen to them when they tell me what is best for me and Averie, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about what that might mean.

When my husband and I left our appointment today we were given homework: asses our options and let them know in 2 weeks what we want to do. Here are the options:

1. Wait and see if she turns. If she turns we know we can try a vaginal delivery but only if she doesn't go over 7.5 lbs. So while I ultimately like this option it could be a moot point based on how much weight she gains. I have another ultrasound scheduled in 2 weeks to get a conclusive answer as to how big she actually is.

2. The doctor can turn her. I forget what this procedure is called but basically I would have to be admitted to the hospital for the day. They would give me some kind of medication that relaxes my uterus and they would physically turn her from the outside. It's a gradual thing which is why it's an all day procedure... however they didn't even try to hide the fact that it would be painful for me. Less painful than if we do nothing and I go into labor while she's still breech and they have to shove her back in for a C-Section. (did you shudder just now? I did when they explained that little gem)

3. Do neither 1 or 2 and just schedule a C-Section at 39 weeks (which would make her birthday the week of March 11th)

I would do anything at this point to keep my option of a vaginal birth... except I'm afraid that even going through the emotional worry of option 1 and all the pain of option 2 she's still going to end up being delivered via C-Section because of her size. There is a small part of me that is so tired of doing everything right only to be disappointed, and that part wants to just give up and agree to option 3. Then there is the bigger part of me that is stubborn and I want to prove to myself and anyone else that if you follow all the rules and do what you're told it pays off in the end. However, odds have never really been in my favor throughout my life- and now seems like a pretty silly time to be betting on any.

This next part may sound dumb but here goes: I don't want to miss out on the experience of a vaginal birth, because I feel like I missed out on a lot of normal kid experiences growing up and am angry at the world that this is yet another thing I won't get to do. I don't understand why things in my life always have to be different from everyone else's. I feel ridiculous copping to that feeling but it is what it is- in general I'm thankful for my life being different because it's caused me to be who I am today... but why does that ALWAYS have to be the case ya know?

I do realize I'm devastated over HOW I'm going to deliver my baby. I haven't forgotten that I actually get to physically hold her when all this is done, unlike my last pregnancy. While I've been happy all this time that I had surgery with Mason there's a part of me starting to regret not going with the option of delivering him. It would have been harder emotionally but maybe I wouldn't be so upset now with a C-Section looming on the horizon.

I'm trying to be a big girl though, and not let this completely consume me... My husband had scheduled a guy's day in the city today and while every ounce of me wanted to beg him to stay home and cuddle with me all day I held myself together so he could still go with a clear conscience. I went for a 50 minute walk with our dog (normally its 15-20) and spent some time appreciating what a beautiful day it is. I spent some time praying in hopes of finding an answer within myself, it didn't work but I always feel better after spending some time with God.

My husband, I think, is at a loss for how to help me figure this out. He just told me that he'll support whatever I want to do. Part of me appreciates that he doesn't want to dictate me and my body but another part just wishes he could have all the answers. Hopefully all my anger, sadness, and helplessness- I'm literally feeling a million different emotions today thanks to those lovely hormones- will be gone tomorrow just like when I first found out I had GD...horrible the day of, not so bad the next day... in fact I'm praying that tomorrow I'll wake up and know what I'm supposed to do.