Well, Santa did not bring me a positive pregnancy test. It was the perfect storm of events that led us to miss our fertility window, plus the fact that this time of year is really hard for me emotionally... all things that led to no baby making during December's small window.
I still have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Right after our window metaphorically closed and it dawned on me what that actually meant, I cried. A lot. I'm probably still crying about it. It's hard to tell if I'm crying from that, or from memories... I'm not really sure. There were a couple reasons it didn't happen and it just seems easier to blame those instead of realize that sometimes that's just how things go, but because we've been trying for over a year it's hard not to feel defeated... even when things are out of my control. Which brings me to resolution #1: To try harder at being ok with the way things are, instead of constantly trying to change them. Being patient is a really big part of that, I need to constantly remind myself that things happen when they're supposed to, and no amount of planning and scheming is going to move them along any quicker.
This is actually a strange time in my life because I'm equally happy and sad. There is a lot of stress in my life right now as I worry about my unemployment coming to an end, running a business, trying to get pregnant and all the other things that come along with running a household. The one bright spot in my life is my little girl, who reminds me every day that things are ok, just because she's here with me. I would like to say my husband is one of them, but like any marriage some days he's the brightest spot and some days he's the source of my stress. I will say that no matter how I feel about him on any given day, he is always present, working hard for us and for our family.
This has been another hard year for us, but I want to make the distinction here that our year hasn't been hard BECAUSE of us, it's just been hard ON us. It really seems like we haven't had a break since before Mason. We just keep getting thrown all these curve balls, but we always survive them. That's something worth noting in any relationship I think, knowing that you can face anything and still come out together... maybe not on top lol... but together. Together is always the important part. My husband really is such a good man and deserves the world. That brings me to resolution #2: Find ways to honor and show appreciation for the man that deals with every mood swing, every overdraft fee, every late night I want a snack, every time we're all snuggled in bed and I make him go check on random noises in the house. He does it all for us every day, and I know I don't thank him enough.
Lately, wanting another baby sometimes consumes me completely, and maybe that's just because of this time of year or I am finally getting to my breaking point after trying for so long... but it has been driving me crazy the last few months when I have gotten my period. It's an unnecessarily overly emotional time and when it's over I'm annoyed at myself for being so sad about it. It's dumb, people try to get pregnant and don't for months. I am not the only one. Clearly I'm not as in control of my emotions as I have been in the past (which is it's own annoyance), but what is helping is having someone else going through a very similar situation. It sucks that we're both going through this but the funny thing is we are on the same cycle so we are literally going through each stage- and the awful waiting part- together.
Then, a few days ago I had a realization hit me in the face. I'm not in some kind of denial that my kid is perfect, but I am constantly in awe of her. At almost 2, she shows me every day what a huge heart she has. She loves animals, she loves her mommy- to the point of being rude to daddy haha, she has a killer sense of humor and loves to be silly. This girl lives for a laugh. She's the best little girl and makes me feel whole. I realize I may be singing a different tune when we get to the Terrible Two's and Three's but I'm just going to soak up ever moment of her while I can.
Anyway, right before Christmas I was sitting on the couch watching her play and she was once again being adorable (seriously, this girl always is) and I started to pray. I asked God to put my life in his hands, to take all the things I want and all the things I dream for and asked Him to let them happen. I agreed then and there to let them happen on His terms, in His time and I would wait and look for the signs. The only thing I wanted was help in letting this happen, to let go and not be so obsessed with WHEN WHEN WHEN. When will we have money again, when will we have another baby, when will all the hard work pay off? When will Christmas be a happy time for me again? When will I finally get off my ass and lose this weight? Then something happened. I got this overwhelming feeling and a thought kept repeating itself in my head "Averie is enough. Averie is enough. Averie is enough."
I've been letting that thought bounce around for a few days, while sitting back and observing my life. What I've seen is if I just sit back and let things happen, they will. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, and it was so wonderful to experience it though Averie's eyes. By stepping back it also allowed other aspects of my life to come together. Someone I previously had conflict with made steps to show me they were willing to go out of their way to resolve it. Somehow, it worked out so we could pay every bill this month. I lost a pound. And of course Averie, she makes me feel loved on a regular basis, but ever since I realized she was enough it's like it's opened my heart to a whole new level of loving her. It's hard to explain, let's just say that my heart needed glasses, and me being sad and worrying about having another baby was the evil insurance company keeping me from fulfilling my prescription.
This brings me to resolution #3: If I never have another baby, it'll be ok, and I'll be ok. I have a son waiting for me in Heaven and I have an angel of a daughter here on Earth who deserves all of me, not most of me. She deserves everything, and while I know I can't give her everything all the time, I can try to. I can vow now to always try my best and be the mom she deserves.
In 2014 I really tried to focus on myself and my journey to self improvement. I don't think everything is magically going to change or get better just because it's a new year. One thing time has taught me is that it actually goes in circles. There are days where I feel amazing and I know what I want and how to get it, and there are days that I feel like I fail at everything. There are times when I almost forget the awful decision I had to make 3 years ago, and then there are times when all I do is picture myself in that doctors office and I literally can't breathe. I think it's impossible to ever really get over something like that, of any kind of loss really, but it does pass... maybe the key is knowing that it will be back so enjoy the good times while you can. There ya go... I think I just found resolution #4.
