After writing about the fight with my husband last night I got a lot of private
messages saying different things. Some wanted to make sure we were ok, some with advise, and there were a few that even thanked me. I never expected that response but I guess people like to be reminded that they aren't alone, a concept that I am very familiar with in my sadness.
I do like to focus more on the happy times with my husband because in truth they far outweigh the bad. We rarely do fight, but when it happens the one thing we are consistent with (no matter how angry we get) is that we are in this together, and together we can overcome anything. When we were just dating we never went to breaking up as an option to end the fight, and now that we're married we never mention divorce. We've basically takn that out of the equation because no matter what we are fighting about, it comes down to the fact that we love each other more than anything so working it out is our number one priority.
We are a fairly young couple so it always surprisese when older couples ask us if our happiness is sincere. It also surprises me when I talk about how much I love spending time with my husband and I am met with a vacant stare. My husband is my absolute best friend in the entire world, I go to him for everything and that hasn't changed in the 7 years we've been together and I hope that never does.
We have had our ups and downs of course, but we have always been committed to making it work. There is a lot of sadness out there in the world, so the last thing I need is to pick a partner that makes me anything but happy. I truly feel that if God made us in perfectly balanced pairs, Kevin is my true other half. We balance out the other's crazy, happy, sad... Everything. I know that I am extremely blessed to have this man in my life, and I will work every day to make sure he knows i love him no matter what. We still kiss hello and goodbye, we make sure we say 'I love you' before we go to bed. When one of us is going to work earlier we always wake the other up to say 'I love you' and 'bye' and have a quick smooch. It's the little things that count and we make time for them.
I don't want to come off like I have the perfect marriage because no one does, but I have the perfect man for me to spend my life with, and I will always make sure to appreciate and cherish our relationship, even if I need a minute to escape to do that. Every time I feel myself falling in love with him all over again, it surprises me in the best way. I guess I fool myself into thinking i love him a much as I possibly can, and I'm happily surprised to be wrong. I think it's a huge blessing to be able to spend my life in love with my best friend, and I will always be willing to work on myself and our relationship in order to keep it the way it is... Just right for just us.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
I wish I could choose what to forget and what to remember
With everything my husband and I have gone through lately, I guess I forgot that he can still make me mad sometimes. He's been amazing and supportive that I forgot that we are still like everyone else and that we can fight over dumb things.
Tonight we were bickering over the smallest of small things. I saw it happening and didn't do anything to fix it. I can't speak for his feelings or thought process but I was in a horrible mood. It probably started with the letter yesterday but I honestly couldn't say if that's true. I do know that I woke up angry at the world for all the things I can't change and I just flat out didnt care- about anything. This isnt a good quality of mine I know, I just can't help but shut down sometimes.
Last night I couldn't stop the sadness that came over me and I cried for a really long time. So much actually that I was concerned about keeping my husband up and insisted on going into the other room so he could sleep. He tred multiple times to comfort me and told me not to worry about him but i honestly just wanted to be alone in my sadness. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I miss my son. I miss him being in my belly, even though I didn't really get a chance to feel him I loved knowing he was there. I guess you could say I've been feeling 'empty' lately but I don't know how to fix it, so instead I'm involuntarily taking it out on my husband, which brings me to right now.
I'm sitting alone in a parking lot because I really have nowhere else to go but I just had to get out of our apartment. It's not entirely my husband that I needed a break from but everything in that place makes me sad. I try really hard to move on, and sometimes I make leaps and bounds but last night and today feel like I've taken so many steps back. We put all his things in a box and left it out so I could go through them when I wanted but now it's like this off limits zone I stay away from. I hate going into our room and seeing our bed and remembering that morning I got a positive test, and that we spent hours excited for our new life, and then just months later- that same spot grieving that same future.
I know it's not fair to take it out on him, and I'm sure his foul mood today is stemmed from the same emotional place but just this one time I really needed to be 100% alone and I couldn't do that in our apartment... So here I sit until I'm ready to go back, part of me wants it to be soon because I love my husband more than this world and he is all
I have, but part of me needs to just be here and let these feelings come and go and I need to stop fighting them.
I had hoped to start writing about happier things by this point but I guess it's just not time yet... I guess I'll keep riding the waves no matter how frustrating it is.
Tonight we were bickering over the smallest of small things. I saw it happening and didn't do anything to fix it. I can't speak for his feelings or thought process but I was in a horrible mood. It probably started with the letter yesterday but I honestly couldn't say if that's true. I do know that I woke up angry at the world for all the things I can't change and I just flat out didnt care- about anything. This isnt a good quality of mine I know, I just can't help but shut down sometimes.
Last night I couldn't stop the sadness that came over me and I cried for a really long time. So much actually that I was concerned about keeping my husband up and insisted on going into the other room so he could sleep. He tred multiple times to comfort me and told me not to worry about him but i honestly just wanted to be alone in my sadness. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I miss my son. I miss him being in my belly, even though I didn't really get a chance to feel him I loved knowing he was there. I guess you could say I've been feeling 'empty' lately but I don't know how to fix it, so instead I'm involuntarily taking it out on my husband, which brings me to right now.
I'm sitting alone in a parking lot because I really have nowhere else to go but I just had to get out of our apartment. It's not entirely my husband that I needed a break from but everything in that place makes me sad. I try really hard to move on, and sometimes I make leaps and bounds but last night and today feel like I've taken so many steps back. We put all his things in a box and left it out so I could go through them when I wanted but now it's like this off limits zone I stay away from. I hate going into our room and seeing our bed and remembering that morning I got a positive test, and that we spent hours excited for our new life, and then just months later- that same spot grieving that same future.
I know it's not fair to take it out on him, and I'm sure his foul mood today is stemmed from the same emotional place but just this one time I really needed to be 100% alone and I couldn't do that in our apartment... So here I sit until I'm ready to go back, part of me wants it to be soon because I love my husband more than this world and he is all
I have, but part of me needs to just be here and let these feelings come and go and I need to stop fighting them.
I had hoped to start writing about happier things by this point but I guess it's just not time yet... I guess I'll keep riding the waves no matter how frustrating it is.
Elective
This is a word I am coming to despise.
We got another letter from the company that manages the disability at my job yesterday. It said that I was being denied support for the 2 weeks I took off when we found out Mason was sick through the recovery of my surgery. Never mind the fact that my paychecks have not been what they used to since I've only been back to work a few weeks (it different pay periods which contribute to the low-ness of them) I can live off top ramen if I have to, what I don't appreciate is these companies classifying what happened to us as elective.
I didn't elect to be told that our baby was going to have a painful life, that the quality of it would be diminished... I didn't elect to wake up one day and realize my entire life had changed forever, I especially didn't elect to experience the ups and downs that have accompanied me on this journey. I did what I thought was right despite what these ass holes think. I think it's incredibly selfish to make anyone suffer unnecessarily- I think a lot of things... but I have to say that I am so very tired of having to fight for our decision. I'm tired of having to explain to people why we made the choices we did, and only then have them show any compassion. I think it's sad that helpfulness and sincerity have to be earned by a sad story.
Sometimes I get so angry at the world, myself, and all the things I don't understand but today I'm just mad... I don't have any way of elaborating about it. I'm just furious with the universe for all that we have had to go through, and all the people that elect not to help us.
We got another letter from the company that manages the disability at my job yesterday. It said that I was being denied support for the 2 weeks I took off when we found out Mason was sick through the recovery of my surgery. Never mind the fact that my paychecks have not been what they used to since I've only been back to work a few weeks (it different pay periods which contribute to the low-ness of them) I can live off top ramen if I have to, what I don't appreciate is these companies classifying what happened to us as elective.
I didn't elect to be told that our baby was going to have a painful life, that the quality of it would be diminished... I didn't elect to wake up one day and realize my entire life had changed forever, I especially didn't elect to experience the ups and downs that have accompanied me on this journey. I did what I thought was right despite what these ass holes think. I think it's incredibly selfish to make anyone suffer unnecessarily- I think a lot of things... but I have to say that I am so very tired of having to fight for our decision. I'm tired of having to explain to people why we made the choices we did, and only then have them show any compassion. I think it's sad that helpfulness and sincerity have to be earned by a sad story.
Sometimes I get so angry at the world, myself, and all the things I don't understand but today I'm just mad... I don't have any way of elaborating about it. I'm just furious with the universe for all that we have had to go through, and all the people that elect not to help us.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Lines
I am constantly writing. I have written a previous post about a book I've been trying to write for quite a long time. It's called 'The Boyfriend Book' and I had been struggling to write a few chapters. One of them was about my husband. You can refresh your memory on that one here. I had been struggling on how to write the chapter about being happy. How do you write about the perfect man? I think everything that we've been going through is a perfect way to explain how and why i love my husband the way I do. If there is one thing I can be proud of in this whole crazy situation, its that it has only brought us closer as a couple, and I think that is... excuse the pun... note worthy. I was struck with inspiration the other day so I will try to channel everything into writing our story.
Since starting this blog, and especially since writing about what happened to us and our son, I have had an abundance of messages encouraging me to keep writing. I have even been told multiple times that our story would make a great book. I don't think I'm quite there yet to trying to figure enough of this out to make sense to anyone but myself, but I do like the idea that my journals and maybe some entries from Mason's journal could become a book someday, maybe even help someone like us.
Until then, I thought it might be nice if I could write a song or a poem for Mason. I can play the piano, but I've never tried to write music. I love music, I grew up leaning on music to express how I felt when I couldn't say it myself. Unfortunately having an extreme love for something still doesn't make you any good at it sometimes. A few weeks ago I found my poetry notebook from Jr. High and believe me, it was filled with horrible poetry that I thought was the shit back in the day. It was kinda funny to see how arrogant I was when it came to writing, and I got to visit my 13 year old self, which is always revealing. I guess I'm hoping that I will be better at it 12 years later. I went back an re-read my posts and was surprised at some of the one liners that somehow came out of my brain and thought they might work for that song or poem... and this is my attempt at playing with them....
You were wanted
I cant wait to add you into our nothing days
Our lives aren't particularly exciting,
I don't know where to start or even how to begin
we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
I don't know what will actually break me
my old future scratched out for my current one
quiet and still,
he is already taking care of us
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
the not knowing and learning to forgive myself
the pain I feel is worth it for you to not know it
the last night I went to bed as someones mommy
they cant tell me how sad they are
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
Someone told me that I have changed forever but
I wish I couldn't have stayed the same with you
the words I want to say but can't,
and the ones I don't want to say, but have to
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
I wasn't ready when they told us our worst fears had come true
I forgot what it was like to get bad news
My tears were different, quiet and steady
trying to be strong for my sweet little baby
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
Lost just feels... right.
It's possible to be miserable and thankful at the same time
It's OK to be tired of being so strong
I want him to be proud of us
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
last night I went to bed as someones mommy
and tonight I'll go to bed as just me
Disclaimer: I could probably explain all the ways I suck if I was given the time and audience so I will settle for this- i copy and pasted as I went so obviously the flow of things needs work, and some tweaking of the words... I did say my poetry from jr high was just awful right?
When I decided to go back and re-read my own words I then went back to the very beginning and while I didn't find any land mark declarations I did come across this post and it did make me feel somethings I hadn't expected. However, at the same time it gave me an excited feeling for when it comes time to announce when we become pregnant again. I guess I should start plotting ways to surprise everyone, which might be hard since I've already committed to chronicling my journey on here. I'm sure I'll figure out a way...
UPDATE:
I should probably mention my follow up appointment with the surgeon from yesterday. Are you ready for this??? I was given a clean bill of health!!! No scar tissue, my uterus contracted the way it was supposed to and my cervix was closed. She still said we needed to wait 3 months to try again so my body could absorb as much folic acid as possible so that is what we will do. I need to make another appointment with our fertility specialist so that we can make sure to take all the precautions from before and have a successful attempt when we are ready to try again. To read more about my first visit with this doctor click here.
Since starting this blog, and especially since writing about what happened to us and our son, I have had an abundance of messages encouraging me to keep writing. I have even been told multiple times that our story would make a great book. I don't think I'm quite there yet to trying to figure enough of this out to make sense to anyone but myself, but I do like the idea that my journals and maybe some entries from Mason's journal could become a book someday, maybe even help someone like us.
Until then, I thought it might be nice if I could write a song or a poem for Mason. I can play the piano, but I've never tried to write music. I love music, I grew up leaning on music to express how I felt when I couldn't say it myself. Unfortunately having an extreme love for something still doesn't make you any good at it sometimes. A few weeks ago I found my poetry notebook from Jr. High and believe me, it was filled with horrible poetry that I thought was the shit back in the day. It was kinda funny to see how arrogant I was when it came to writing, and I got to visit my 13 year old self, which is always revealing. I guess I'm hoping that I will be better at it 12 years later. I went back an re-read my posts and was surprised at some of the one liners that somehow came out of my brain and thought they might work for that song or poem... and this is my attempt at playing with them....
You were wanted
I cant wait to add you into our nothing days
Our lives aren't particularly exciting,
I don't know where to start or even how to begin
we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
I don't know what will actually break me
my old future scratched out for my current one
quiet and still,
he is already taking care of us
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
the not knowing and learning to forgive myself
the pain I feel is worth it for you to not know it
the last night I went to bed as someones mommy
they cant tell me how sad they are
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
Someone told me that I have changed forever but
I wish I couldn't have stayed the same with you
the words I want to say but can't,
and the ones I don't want to say, but have to
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
I wasn't ready when they told us our worst fears had come true
I forgot what it was like to get bad news
My tears were different, quiet and steady
trying to be strong for my sweet little baby
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
Lost just feels... right.
It's possible to be miserable and thankful at the same time
It's OK to be tired of being so strong
I want him to be proud of us
I love you without knowing you
You were wanted
last night I went to bed as someones mommy
and tonight I'll go to bed as just me
Disclaimer: I could probably explain all the ways I suck if I was given the time and audience so I will settle for this- i copy and pasted as I went so obviously the flow of things needs work, and some tweaking of the words... I did say my poetry from jr high was just awful right?
When I decided to go back and re-read my own words I then went back to the very beginning and while I didn't find any land mark declarations I did come across this post and it did make me feel somethings I hadn't expected. However, at the same time it gave me an excited feeling for when it comes time to announce when we become pregnant again. I guess I should start plotting ways to surprise everyone, which might be hard since I've already committed to chronicling my journey on here. I'm sure I'll figure out a way...
UPDATE:
I should probably mention my follow up appointment with the surgeon from yesterday. Are you ready for this??? I was given a clean bill of health!!! No scar tissue, my uterus contracted the way it was supposed to and my cervix was closed. She still said we needed to wait 3 months to try again so my body could absorb as much folic acid as possible so that is what we will do. I need to make another appointment with our fertility specialist so that we can make sure to take all the precautions from before and have a successful attempt when we are ready to try again. To read more about my first visit with this doctor click here.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Nervousness
Later today I have my post-op follow up appointment with my surgeon. I know I have already talked about all the ways my body could continue to screw me over but I just can't shake this nervous feeling I have.
Before, when I would get sick I would always psyche myself out and plan for the worst only to have all positive outcomes. The only real experience I've had with actually being sick was my cystic ovaries, but I guess I grew accustomed to the pain that was almost like clockwork so I kinda forgot what it was like to get bad news.
When the tests came back positive for Mason's neural tube defects I did the normal: assume everything that could go wrong would and start to obsess over what we would do, but still in the back of my mind I figured that everything would be fine in the end, that the results would come back normal like they always did. Although I had played out all the worst case scenarios all week in my head before that very sad day at the ultrasound specialist, I still wasn't ready when they told us our worst fears had come true.
Now as I count down the hours to my next appointment its like my brain doesn't know what to prepare for. I keep bouncing back and forth from 'everything's going to be fine... for real this time' and 'I'm sorry but there is too much scar tissue'. Then, I start to question every decision we've made. Did we wait too long to start trying vs. did we try too soon? Should I have listened to our midwife when she told me it was ok to take my pre-natals every other day instead of daily because of the complications it was causing in my body or should I have just dealt with feeling horrible to make sure all that folic acid made it into my system? Should I really of had those foods that I knew I was finding loopholes for? Should I have had more foods that the books suggested even though I couldn't keep anything down? I know that most of these things have nothing to do with what happened to Mason, but I just can't stop thinking about all the what if's, and I probably won't be able to until after my appointment today. Actually, I just lied. I won't be able to really relax until my pre-pregnancy check up in May with the Fertility Specialist...
Do you ever feel like you need to make a to-do list of things to worry about?
My smile of the day is being woken up by my cat Nacho. He was laying by my face (as usual) and he kept stroking my cheek with his paw. He was hungry but I like to think he was trying to wake me up gently instead of the normal one inch from my face motor boat purring. I literally woke up laughing, which I think is a fantastic way to wake up (even if it was a few hours before i actually wanted to wake up).
Before, when I would get sick I would always psyche myself out and plan for the worst only to have all positive outcomes. The only real experience I've had with actually being sick was my cystic ovaries, but I guess I grew accustomed to the pain that was almost like clockwork so I kinda forgot what it was like to get bad news.
When the tests came back positive for Mason's neural tube defects I did the normal: assume everything that could go wrong would and start to obsess over what we would do, but still in the back of my mind I figured that everything would be fine in the end, that the results would come back normal like they always did. Although I had played out all the worst case scenarios all week in my head before that very sad day at the ultrasound specialist, I still wasn't ready when they told us our worst fears had come true.
Now as I count down the hours to my next appointment its like my brain doesn't know what to prepare for. I keep bouncing back and forth from 'everything's going to be fine... for real this time' and 'I'm sorry but there is too much scar tissue'. Then, I start to question every decision we've made. Did we wait too long to start trying vs. did we try too soon? Should I have listened to our midwife when she told me it was ok to take my pre-natals every other day instead of daily because of the complications it was causing in my body or should I have just dealt with feeling horrible to make sure all that folic acid made it into my system? Should I really of had those foods that I knew I was finding loopholes for? Should I have had more foods that the books suggested even though I couldn't keep anything down? I know that most of these things have nothing to do with what happened to Mason, but I just can't stop thinking about all the what if's, and I probably won't be able to until after my appointment today. Actually, I just lied. I won't be able to really relax until my pre-pregnancy check up in May with the Fertility Specialist...
Do you ever feel like you need to make a to-do list of things to worry about?
My smile of the day is being woken up by my cat Nacho. He was laying by my face (as usual) and he kept stroking my cheek with his paw. He was hungry but I like to think he was trying to wake me up gently instead of the normal one inch from my face motor boat purring. I literally woke up laughing, which I think is a fantastic way to wake up (even if it was a few hours before i actually wanted to wake up).
Saturday, January 21, 2012
1 Week and Revelations
(I started this post on Thursday)
Mason has been gone for 1 week today. Things have started to change, some good... Some not so good. I was doing fine for most of the day. My husband got up early and made us eggs benedict from scratch and it was really good. I had a busy morning at home taking care of things I had neglected for the last few weeks. When I got to work everything was normal until I saw a calendar that we had all written our days off on and I saw the Dr. appointment I had written down for January 30th and out of no where I was hit with overwhelming sadness.
It didn't make sense- I was having a perfectly normal day, proud of myself even for how well I was handling the day. There wasn't much I could do at that point, it was convenient that I was in a back office sorting paperwork so I didn't even try to hide my tears. They were different, not the full on crying tears that I've become accustomed to, just quiet and steady. So I continued to sort paperwork while the tears fell.
When I told my husband about it, he suggested I throw myself into more tasks to get my mind off it and it hit me: I didn't WANT my mind off it. I needed to take a minute and let the feelings come and go without fighting them. I knew going back to work so soon meant that I would need to find a way to deal with these feelings at inconvenient times, and I was ready to do that when in the past all I wanted to do was hide.
(The rest of this is from today)
I realized that the more I tried to hide my feelings or ignore them the more determined they were to come up at unexpected times. I was driving home from work the other and I just started crying uncontrollably. There wasn't even a sad song on the radio and I had had a good day at work, I even started to joke around with the crew and started to feel like myself again. It felt like I was taking steps back when I had been determined to only take steps forward. Our therapist says grief is like ocean waves- it comes and goes but it doesn't mean I'm moving backwards. She said if I was only stuck in grief or only stuck in happiness that would be worse, because I wouldn't be facing the things I am supposed to. So although I worry about the times that my sadness is completely in control I find it comforting knowing my body and mind are doing what they are supposed to, even if I hate it at the time.
Of all the emotions I thought I might feel during all of this, the one I didn't expect was guilt. When I laugh with my husband, when I make a joke at work, or when I laugh out loud at something someone says I immediately feel guilty for feeling good. I know that sounds insane, but it is what it is. I am told this is normal too... that a part of me will always feel like I should be sad, but that I should also embrace the good. I want to embrace the good.
Although I feel like I will never ever be the same again, it's exhausting to be so sad all the time. I don't know what Mason thinks of us, but I know I want him to be proud of us, and know that even after he is gone we are still trying to be the best parents and versions of ourselves that we can. I wish that I could really know him like I wanted to, but I do get this feeling sometimes when I'm sad that he wants us to be happy. I can't describe it very well, but it feels like my chest gets really warm and then I start to feel better... and it just has to be him... it has to.
I am noticing that as things come up for the first time... like my earlier post today that can be found here where I am not sure how to handle them or what to think... they do get easier. I still don't really know how I feel about getting ready for work and looking down to see my shirt soaked through and it could only be from me. I know that I was happy to loose another inch around my waist so that I could finally get out of the constant reminder of my maternity pants.
I know that the world doesn't revolve around us, and that there are people that still don't know what happened. At first I couldn't imagine having to explain to someone, to actually say the words but in the last 24 hours I have been asked 'how's the baby' 3 different times and I had to explain that we lost our son. I don't go into detail, but I explain the time frame, and that I'm doing ok, and that it's still hard to talk about. If I stick to that I'm ok, but the second I see someones sad face I completely lose it. I know that will improve in time, and I can't always depend on my husband to relay the details but I am grateful that I was able to get through the basics 3 times without losing control of myself. It's a small feat for me, but it's something that I can be proud of myself for.
The only thing I have noticed is when I heard my husband on the phone saying "we had to end the pregnancy" and it literally felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I understand that for him, that's the easiest way to say what happened but to me it feels more appropriate to say "we lost our baby". Our situation was so sudden and scary and intense that it feels more like a loss than a decision. I LOST out on the life I had carefully planned out, I LOST the belly I had been so proud of so fast, I LOST pieces of myself that I will never get back. Lost just feels... right.
I set a goal for myself that find things that make me smile and to cling to them like a life preserver. My husband is adorable and the little things he does or says while we hang around the house are the best things that I could possibly cling to. He is kind, and sweet and makes me laugh where I feel it in my whole body. I want to end this post, and maybe my future ones with something that makes me smile. Today it's that my husband told me how cute I was for something silly I did. To explain it would be boring for anyone who isn't us, but it made my day to hear him say it.
Mason has been gone for 1 week today. Things have started to change, some good... Some not so good. I was doing fine for most of the day. My husband got up early and made us eggs benedict from scratch and it was really good. I had a busy morning at home taking care of things I had neglected for the last few weeks. When I got to work everything was normal until I saw a calendar that we had all written our days off on and I saw the Dr. appointment I had written down for January 30th and out of no where I was hit with overwhelming sadness.
It didn't make sense- I was having a perfectly normal day, proud of myself even for how well I was handling the day. There wasn't much I could do at that point, it was convenient that I was in a back office sorting paperwork so I didn't even try to hide my tears. They were different, not the full on crying tears that I've become accustomed to, just quiet and steady. So I continued to sort paperwork while the tears fell.
When I told my husband about it, he suggested I throw myself into more tasks to get my mind off it and it hit me: I didn't WANT my mind off it. I needed to take a minute and let the feelings come and go without fighting them. I knew going back to work so soon meant that I would need to find a way to deal with these feelings at inconvenient times, and I was ready to do that when in the past all I wanted to do was hide.
(The rest of this is from today)
I realized that the more I tried to hide my feelings or ignore them the more determined they were to come up at unexpected times. I was driving home from work the other and I just started crying uncontrollably. There wasn't even a sad song on the radio and I had had a good day at work, I even started to joke around with the crew and started to feel like myself again. It felt like I was taking steps back when I had been determined to only take steps forward. Our therapist says grief is like ocean waves- it comes and goes but it doesn't mean I'm moving backwards. She said if I was only stuck in grief or only stuck in happiness that would be worse, because I wouldn't be facing the things I am supposed to. So although I worry about the times that my sadness is completely in control I find it comforting knowing my body and mind are doing what they are supposed to, even if I hate it at the time.
Of all the emotions I thought I might feel during all of this, the one I didn't expect was guilt. When I laugh with my husband, when I make a joke at work, or when I laugh out loud at something someone says I immediately feel guilty for feeling good. I know that sounds insane, but it is what it is. I am told this is normal too... that a part of me will always feel like I should be sad, but that I should also embrace the good. I want to embrace the good.
Although I feel like I will never ever be the same again, it's exhausting to be so sad all the time. I don't know what Mason thinks of us, but I know I want him to be proud of us, and know that even after he is gone we are still trying to be the best parents and versions of ourselves that we can. I wish that I could really know him like I wanted to, but I do get this feeling sometimes when I'm sad that he wants us to be happy. I can't describe it very well, but it feels like my chest gets really warm and then I start to feel better... and it just has to be him... it has to.
I am noticing that as things come up for the first time... like my earlier post today that can be found here where I am not sure how to handle them or what to think... they do get easier. I still don't really know how I feel about getting ready for work and looking down to see my shirt soaked through and it could only be from me. I know that I was happy to loose another inch around my waist so that I could finally get out of the constant reminder of my maternity pants.
I know that the world doesn't revolve around us, and that there are people that still don't know what happened. At first I couldn't imagine having to explain to someone, to actually say the words but in the last 24 hours I have been asked 'how's the baby' 3 different times and I had to explain that we lost our son. I don't go into detail, but I explain the time frame, and that I'm doing ok, and that it's still hard to talk about. If I stick to that I'm ok, but the second I see someones sad face I completely lose it. I know that will improve in time, and I can't always depend on my husband to relay the details but I am grateful that I was able to get through the basics 3 times without losing control of myself. It's a small feat for me, but it's something that I can be proud of myself for.
The only thing I have noticed is when I heard my husband on the phone saying "we had to end the pregnancy" and it literally felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I understand that for him, that's the easiest way to say what happened but to me it feels more appropriate to say "we lost our baby". Our situation was so sudden and scary and intense that it feels more like a loss than a decision. I LOST out on the life I had carefully planned out, I LOST the belly I had been so proud of so fast, I LOST pieces of myself that I will never get back. Lost just feels... right.
I set a goal for myself that find things that make me smile and to cling to them like a life preserver. My husband is adorable and the little things he does or says while we hang around the house are the best things that I could possibly cling to. He is kind, and sweet and makes me laugh where I feel it in my whole body. I want to end this post, and maybe my future ones with something that makes me smile. Today it's that my husband told me how cute I was for something silly I did. To explain it would be boring for anyone who isn't us, but it made my day to hear him say it.
3 things
This morning my surgical site stopped bleeding, I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans and my breast leaked... I don't have time to comprehend how I feel about any of these things but I know i really need to get them out of my head at this moment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)