Breast feeding... of all the things I willingly talk about this is one of the hardest for me to actually bring up. Blunt honesty is usually my forte, but for some reason I have a hard time sharing when it comes to breast feeding. I'm finding that I'm not as mature as I thought I was, and get embarrassed when talking about my chest and my breast feeding journey. Mainly because I have to virtually describe my boobs for you to understand my nursing troubles. I was really up in the air about nursing at all throughout my pregnancy but I'm glad that I ultimately decided to do it, I just wish someone (or my books for that matter) had told me the truth or given me a realistic glance into what my chest would be going through. So, although it makes me a little uncomfortable to put it all out there- literally and figuratively- let me be the one to give you the honest story on breast feeding. I'll warn you ahead of time, this is a long one so I've broken it up into topics... feel free to skip around.
FREE Breast Pump
This is the most valuable information I learned and must pass it on so more people can take advantage of it. Most insurance companies 100% cover the cost of your breast pump. We were given a hand-held single pump by a friend who didn't end up using hers (never take a used one) but the lactation consultant told me I would need an electric one. Well, they're pretty expensive so I wasn't going to get one until a friend told me about insurance covering them. You have to do a little extra work- calling your insurance to get the supplier info, placing the order, and the long waiting game that comes along with using insurance but it is totally worth it. I could only choose from 2 models but I had done a little research and asked for the one closest to the Madela model. It took about 2 weeks to ship, so place your order before the baby comes. I didn't know about this until after Averie was born so I had to rent one from the hospital but it was less than $25 for 2 weeks... no biggie.
Lactation Consultants
I'm not one to whip out my boobs for anyone but as soon as Averie was born I didn't care who was in the room and who was putting their hands on me to help me nurse her. Really, all modesty went out the window the minute I checked into the hospital. Don't be afraid to get all the help and ask all the questions you may have while still in the hospital because once you check out help is harder to come by. There is a group called the Le Leche League but in my opinion they are very aggressive when it comes to breast feeding and I found they rarely answer my actual question and spend more time explaining to me why I have to continue breast feeding (something I wasn't questioning in the first place) It stinks that in a world where doctors really push the benefits of breast feeding that insurance covers breast pumps but NOT a lactation consultant post pardum.
I call BS!
Everyone in the medical field will tell you that breast feeding isn't supposed to hurt... BULL SHIT! Especially for the first timers- it does! I don't care who tells you it doesn't.. it does. It sucks. I was actually at the point where I was dreading each feeding. It is incredibly painful even if the baby is latched on correctly because your nipples aren't used to be stimulated 12 times a day for hours at a time. There are times when she is unlatching and inadvertently gives me a purple-nurple. I still would have nursed, but I wish someone would have just told me it hurts so I knew what to expect. What you don't want to do is listen to mom's and grandma's that will tell you to 'toughen up' your nipples ahead of time. It makes the pain worse- in fact all you really want to do to your nipples is wash them with warm water and that's it... no soap, no creams, no toughening... they will do what they are supposed to on their own (and yes, it's going to hurt at first).
Ok this is the part that makes me really uncomfortable but it could help someone else with the same problem. I have a really large chest and apparently I have flat nipples. I never knew I had flat nipples because they were always... well lets just say they did what they were supposed to when they were supposed to so I never thought about their shape. I guess most women's nipples are longer and thicker (someone told me theirs closely resembled a pool que lol) and those women have a much easier time breast feeding. What this meant for me is I had to rely more on non-traditional positioning of the baby (the football hold and laying on my side) and I have to hand express some milk before each feeding so she doesn't have any issues latching on. I wanted to quit every day but I didnt... I had to tell myself to take it one day at a time otherwise I would have quit counting down the first 6 weeks.
I am told establishing a nursing relationship takes about 6 weeks for first timers. Babies are born ready to suck, but without knowledge on how to nurse so women with my challenges take a little more manipulating before a proper latch can happen. Luckily, in only 4 weeks Averie and I have gotten into a pretty good routine but it was extremely rough leading up to that point and sometimes it still is. Add in the fact that Averie was in the SCN for 6 days with bottle feedings in the beginning I had a lot working against me. The first time they let me nurse her in the SCN she got a bad latch and caused some raised milk ducts which was very painful... when it finally healed I developed a 'crack' in my nipple (this is common so pay attention so this doesn't happen to you). The crack ended up opening and became very very painful. So painful that I still can't nurse her on that side- it's been a few weeks- but it's finally on the mend. What I didn't know is after each feeding if you hand express some milk and rub it on that nipple, then let it air dry- it can prevent all these complications. So, let my pain be a learning opportunity for you! I am terrified of ending up with lopsided boobs from her nursing on one side so I make sure to pump the other side after each feeding.
Baby Bonding
I didn't feel that instantaneous bond to my baby once she started nursing. I did feel it the moment she came out but I kept hearing from everyone and books that I would feel a special connection to her once she started nursing. For many women, this is their favorite part of having a newborn. I didn't experience that feeling, at least not surrounding feedings. Maybe it was because of her having bottles right away in the SCN, or because of all the complications with what i now lovingly call my 'bum nip' but I just didn't have that ah-ha moment. I did get ridiculously excited the first time she successfully latched that I made my husband take pictures. Yes, I am that crazy mom. There are things I do love about nursing, I'm not sure if I'll be able to describe them well but I will try. I love listening to her nurse... that little gulping noise she makes at the beginning for some reason makes me smile. It's just the cutest little noise that lets me know she's getting what she needs and it makes me proud. I love the face she makes immediately after she unlatches. It's kind of like a grumpy pouty face where her lower lip comes up and covers her top lip and her eyebrows are so expressive. I haven't taken a picture I can post because my boob is usually out haha. She doesn't make it with a bottle, just after nursing from me... and I love it.
Things I Didn't Know...
We've been living with my family for a year now and it is great having extra hands when I need them. The thing I didn't anticipate was how lonely breast feeding could be even with a house full of people. Because the baby was nursing every 1 1/2 hours in the beginning and I had to pump the other side for a minimum of 20 minutes I spend most of my time alone with the baby in my room with the door closed. I have a modesty cover but I'm not comfortable using it yet because we are still perfecting our latch. I've used it once at family's house but I still had to go into another room. I'm hoping to become more confident as times goes on so I don't have to be stuck at home all the time. It's hard to do anything when she nurses for over 30 minutes each time and then I have to pump for 20... by the time I take a minute to eat or use the rest room it's time to start all over again. With the amount of time I spend topless, we definitely need our own place next time.
Bouncing from boob to bottle is supposed to be a no-no. I didn't have a choice in the beginning. I only had Averie with me for the first 13 hours of her life and she did not latch on at all the first time the nurses had me feed her. I use the word feed lightly because your milk doesn't come in for about 4-5 days after birth (something else I didn't know). They had to give her bottles in the SCN and I made my concerns known but it really was what was best for her in the beginning. They could feed her a bottle under the bili lights without compromising her level of care. As soon as they allowed I started nursing, but it was rough so they ended up supplementing with formula or the small amount of milk i pumped after each feeding. I actually find this a blessing because now she can transition from my chest to a bottle and back again.
The original plan was to nurse exclusively but I had to adapt, and it turned out to be a blessing. It allows for me to get some extra sleep in the middle of the night when my husband gets up to give her a feeding. They get some bonding time and I get extra sleep... it's a win/win. I keep reading that you're not supposed to introduce a pacifier or a bottle until the nursing relationship is well established. However, if we have more kids I'm going to keep the same routine: 1-2 bottle feedings in a 24 hour period so I can give my chest a break or run errands during a feeding. It makes me feel like I have some control instead of a feeding machine.
Cluster Feedings
I didn't even know these existed until a few weeks ago. Right before she hit 2 weeks she wanted to eat literally every hour on the dot. I thought there was something wrong with my milk supply until I did some research and found out that was a regular growth-spurt interval. At her 2 week checkup I saw all that feeding had payed off.. she grew over an inch and a half and put on 10 ounces. it made the insanity, and the very sore nipples all worth it. She's 4 weeks today and she was back to cluster feeding all last week so I'm thinking there's another growth spurt in the works.
Making Milk
Enhancing milk supply is something you can actually do. You have to be careful not to do too much too soon though because you can cause yourself to become engorged which hurts... a lot. Having a beer can actually help because of the brewer's yeast in it. It also helps you to relax which helps your milk let down. A friend of mine made me some fenugreek cookies while Averie was in the SCN which helped a lot since I pumped every 2 hours just to bring her something of mine to eat at each feeding. I'm at a point now where I'll need to help myself produce more milk again because of my bum nip... she's completely draining the good side and is hungry about an hour later. All will be fixed once I can nurse on both sides but I'll have to help my body along in the mean time.
Will I Do It All Again?
Breast milk really is the best thing for her, and if I had to do it all over again with another baby I wouldn't hesitate. Pain and all it's completely worth it. Even though I didn't experience what movies and books told me I would, I wouldn't change a thing. Actually... I'll definitely make sure to express milk at the end of each feeding and air dry EVERY time haha!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
March Madness
I can't believe its already April!!! Where did the time go? Oh yeah... to my beautiful newborn baby! Averie Belle was born on March 11th at 11:50pm. She was 7 pounds, 4 ounces and 19 inches long. She looks like her daddy... I'm hoping some of me will come out eventually but right now she is Daddy's mini-me and absolutely beautiful. She is already showing her personality at 3 weeks old and I can't wait to get to know my daughter. My daughter. It sounds so weird and so amazing at the same time. I still can't believe after everything 2012 put us through, and after this rough pregnancy my whole life has changed. Let me go back a bit and tell you about our month of March.
March 10th I went to the hospital as scheduled to begin the inducing process. I have to ask for your patience on the rest of Averie's birth story as it definitely deserves it's own post but I'm not sure she will stay asleep long enough for me to write it tonight (oh the life of a new mom!) The short version is I was in labor for 26 hours, only pushed for 20 minutes (don't ask me how many pushes I have no clue) and she was 10 minutes from being born on the 12th. I promise the whole story is worth waiting for.
March 12th Averie was only 11 hours old when the lactation consultant made a comment that Averie looked a little yellow. I didn't know what that meant and honestly didn't see it so I didn't think much of it. A few minutes later the hospital's pediatrician came in and examined her but didn't say anything to make us worry. 2 hours later she returned and informed us she wanted to admit Averie into the Special Care Nursery (a step below the NICU- but equally as scary in my opinion) for jaundice. I couldn't believe that I had barely spent a night with my baby and they already wanted to take her away. Especially when I didn't even see the yellowing in the skin that they kept talking about, she was just my perfect baby. We didn't have much time to think or adjust to the situation because just minutes later they were taking her to the SCN.
Unfortunately at that exact moment some family came to visit the baby (not knowing of course what was going on) and I knew more were going to show up. Instead of breaking down and crying while my husband and my baby disappeared (I couldn't go I was experiencing heavy bleeding and was supposed to stay off my feet) I had to put on a brave face for the family that was in front of me and had to inform all the upcoming visitors there wasn't anyone to visit at this point. All I wanted was to have a minute to process everything and be with my husband but I didn't get that- I had to entertain and pretend to be ok. (Although I'll admit I probably did a horrible job.) Here she is in the SCN:
Jaundice is still confusing to me, so here is the WebMD.com explanation of it: "Jaundice is a condition that makes a newborn’s skin and the white part of the eyes look yellow. It happens because there is too much bilirubin in the baby’s blood (hyperbilirubinemia). Bilirubin is a substance that is made when the body breaks down old red blood cells. Jaundice usually is not a problem. But in rare cases, too much bilirubin in the blood can cause brain damage (kernicterus). This can lead to hearing loss, intellectual disability, and behavior problems.
Averie's bilirubin was extremely high for only being 13 hours old, so we are extremly thankful to the lactation consultant that spoke up about her hunch, because she saved our baby from having serious complications. Averie's case was unique because she has my husband's blood type instead of mine, again it's hard to explain so I'm going to let WebMD do it: "People without Rh factor on the surface of their blood cells are Rh-negative and have Rh incompatibility with blood that is Rh-positive. This incompatibility means that when exposed to Rh-positive blood more than once, the immune systems of people with Rh-negative blood produce antibodies to destroy the Rh-positive blood cells." Basically she had mine and Kev's blood type fighting it out... They had her in one of those enclosed plastic incubator-looking cubes under bililights. The lights helped her body get rid of the bilirubin through poop of all things.
My husband and I were the only ones who could go into the SCN because it was full of babies but honestly I was a little glad for their rules. All I cared about was Averie getting better and I was happy not to have to worry about accommodating every one's visits or to deal with their emotions. Our families are amazing and super supportive and for most of Averie's grandparents she's the first baby and I knew what was happening was happening to everyone but I just couldn't care about them: my entire focus was on my baby. Averie was in the SCN for 6 days. I was only in the hospital for 3 but I had some incredible nurses that hid me in an unused room for an extra day so I could be close. The rest of those days were spent going back and forth from our home to the hospital (which thankfully was only 10 mins away) for each feeding. Every three hours we went to the hospital, but it was worth it because we were with our baby.
At first we weren't even allowed to hold her then each day it got a little better... they started letting us hold her for 20 mins (long enough to give her a bottle) and then it got longer and longer and finally on day 4 they let me try to breast feed. (Also worth it's own post later) It took a while but she got it, and I didn't mind how long it took because that meant we got to hold her longer. On day 5 her yo-yoing bili levels finally went down enough to take her off the lights but not enough to come home. We spent our 8 year anniversary as a couple at the hospital, but 2 days later, on our 2 year wedding anniversary we got the best present: Averie got to come home! It also happened to be St Patricks Day so we came prepared with an adorable clover outfit- it really was adorable, even the nurses wanted to take pictures of her. Here she is: my everything
She's 3 weeks old now and is doing great. We've had a couple of follow up appointments and her bili levels have continued to improve. She still has a little yellowing to her skin, but the pediatrician said that will last until she's a few months old. I still don't really see it, to me she's perfect. At her 2 week checkup she gained 10 ounces and 1.5 inches. She is growing so much, even her adorable puffy cheeks are starting to go away... which I hate because I'm obsessed with those cheeks! She is a super smiley baby. No really, she smile's non-stop. People don't believe me until they meet her and see it for themselves. She is very mellow, which my husband and I appreciate, and hoping it lasts but not holding our breath lol.
Motherhood is amazing. It's completely different than what I thought it would be. I thought after a few weeks I would be ready for a break... and sometimes I am for maybe 10 minutes, not going to lie... but I never knew I could love something so much. I thought I was as obsessed with my husband as much as one person could be, but then I saw him holding my daughter and it's like I grew another heart and it's so full. I never really believed people when they said it changed their whole lives but I'm here to confirm its true. It's only been 3 weeks and I already have no idea what I was doing with my life before her. Literally nothing in my life has made more sense than being her mom. It's amazing how quickly the switch is flipped and your whole world and sense of being changes. It's truly amazing.
For Easter we had decided long ago that we didn't want to do anything. We knew Averie would only be a few weeks old and traveling was definitely out of the question, especially because the baby is 99% breastfed. (Kev gives her a bottle of my expressed milk at night so I can get a little break and some sleep) and honestly... i JUST freakin gave birth... I don't care about keeping up appearances for a holiday right now lol My husband and I just wanted to stay home and enjoy our baby. He made us dinner which is always nice, and we dressed her in a beautiful dress from her Godmom and we stayed home and cuddled in bed most of the day. I took advantage of my husband being home and got some laundry done too- it's funny how a great day's definition changes as your priorities change isn't it?
April should be more of the same... me at home with the baby enjoying our alone time together. We are hoping to have a gathering where the rest of the family can meet her (only our parents and siblings have met her thus far- we've asked everyone else to hold off so we can have time as a family to get adjusted) and of course my birthday is next week. I've asked for cash, my car cleaned and a tattoo for my birthday. I want to get Averie's footprint tattooed next to Mason's on my back. The cash is for new clothes- I've lost over 30lbs since Averie was born and I'm hoping to loose more once the doctors give me the ok to work out. I haven't looked this skinny in YEARS and I'm loving it! Hopefully I'll get a chance to update before the end of the month. Stay tuned for Averie's birth story and my breastfeeding journey. I hope everyone had a blessed Easter!
March 10th I went to the hospital as scheduled to begin the inducing process. I have to ask for your patience on the rest of Averie's birth story as it definitely deserves it's own post but I'm not sure she will stay asleep long enough for me to write it tonight (oh the life of a new mom!) The short version is I was in labor for 26 hours, only pushed for 20 minutes (don't ask me how many pushes I have no clue) and she was 10 minutes from being born on the 12th. I promise the whole story is worth waiting for.
March 12th Averie was only 11 hours old when the lactation consultant made a comment that Averie looked a little yellow. I didn't know what that meant and honestly didn't see it so I didn't think much of it. A few minutes later the hospital's pediatrician came in and examined her but didn't say anything to make us worry. 2 hours later she returned and informed us she wanted to admit Averie into the Special Care Nursery (a step below the NICU- but equally as scary in my opinion) for jaundice. I couldn't believe that I had barely spent a night with my baby and they already wanted to take her away. Especially when I didn't even see the yellowing in the skin that they kept talking about, she was just my perfect baby. We didn't have much time to think or adjust to the situation because just minutes later they were taking her to the SCN.
Unfortunately at that exact moment some family came to visit the baby (not knowing of course what was going on) and I knew more were going to show up. Instead of breaking down and crying while my husband and my baby disappeared (I couldn't go I was experiencing heavy bleeding and was supposed to stay off my feet) I had to put on a brave face for the family that was in front of me and had to inform all the upcoming visitors there wasn't anyone to visit at this point. All I wanted was to have a minute to process everything and be with my husband but I didn't get that- I had to entertain and pretend to be ok. (Although I'll admit I probably did a horrible job.) Here she is in the SCN:
Jaundice is still confusing to me, so here is the WebMD.com explanation of it: "Jaundice is a condition that makes a newborn’s skin and the white part of the eyes look yellow. It happens because there is too much bilirubin in the baby’s blood (hyperbilirubinemia). Bilirubin is a substance that is made when the body breaks down old red blood cells. Jaundice usually is not a problem. But in rare cases, too much bilirubin in the blood can cause brain damage (kernicterus). This can lead to hearing loss, intellectual disability, and behavior problems.
Averie's bilirubin was extremely high for only being 13 hours old, so we are extremly thankful to the lactation consultant that spoke up about her hunch, because she saved our baby from having serious complications. Averie's case was unique because she has my husband's blood type instead of mine, again it's hard to explain so I'm going to let WebMD do it: "People without Rh factor on the surface of their blood cells are Rh-negative and have Rh incompatibility with blood that is Rh-positive. This incompatibility means that when exposed to Rh-positive blood more than once, the immune systems of people with Rh-negative blood produce antibodies to destroy the Rh-positive blood cells." Basically she had mine and Kev's blood type fighting it out... They had her in one of those enclosed plastic incubator-looking cubes under bililights. The lights helped her body get rid of the bilirubin through poop of all things.
My husband and I were the only ones who could go into the SCN because it was full of babies but honestly I was a little glad for their rules. All I cared about was Averie getting better and I was happy not to have to worry about accommodating every one's visits or to deal with their emotions. Our families are amazing and super supportive and for most of Averie's grandparents she's the first baby and I knew what was happening was happening to everyone but I just couldn't care about them: my entire focus was on my baby. Averie was in the SCN for 6 days. I was only in the hospital for 3 but I had some incredible nurses that hid me in an unused room for an extra day so I could be close. The rest of those days were spent going back and forth from our home to the hospital (which thankfully was only 10 mins away) for each feeding. Every three hours we went to the hospital, but it was worth it because we were with our baby.
At first we weren't even allowed to hold her then each day it got a little better... they started letting us hold her for 20 mins (long enough to give her a bottle) and then it got longer and longer and finally on day 4 they let me try to breast feed. (Also worth it's own post later) It took a while but she got it, and I didn't mind how long it took because that meant we got to hold her longer. On day 5 her yo-yoing bili levels finally went down enough to take her off the lights but not enough to come home. We spent our 8 year anniversary as a couple at the hospital, but 2 days later, on our 2 year wedding anniversary we got the best present: Averie got to come home! It also happened to be St Patricks Day so we came prepared with an adorable clover outfit- it really was adorable, even the nurses wanted to take pictures of her. Here she is: my everything
She's 3 weeks old now and is doing great. We've had a couple of follow up appointments and her bili levels have continued to improve. She still has a little yellowing to her skin, but the pediatrician said that will last until she's a few months old. I still don't really see it, to me she's perfect. At her 2 week checkup she gained 10 ounces and 1.5 inches. She is growing so much, even her adorable puffy cheeks are starting to go away... which I hate because I'm obsessed with those cheeks! She is a super smiley baby. No really, she smile's non-stop. People don't believe me until they meet her and see it for themselves. She is very mellow, which my husband and I appreciate, and hoping it lasts but not holding our breath lol.
Motherhood is amazing. It's completely different than what I thought it would be. I thought after a few weeks I would be ready for a break... and sometimes I am for maybe 10 minutes, not going to lie... but I never knew I could love something so much. I thought I was as obsessed with my husband as much as one person could be, but then I saw him holding my daughter and it's like I grew another heart and it's so full. I never really believed people when they said it changed their whole lives but I'm here to confirm its true. It's only been 3 weeks and I already have no idea what I was doing with my life before her. Literally nothing in my life has made more sense than being her mom. It's amazing how quickly the switch is flipped and your whole world and sense of being changes. It's truly amazing.
For Easter we had decided long ago that we didn't want to do anything. We knew Averie would only be a few weeks old and traveling was definitely out of the question, especially because the baby is 99% breastfed. (Kev gives her a bottle of my expressed milk at night so I can get a little break and some sleep) and honestly... i JUST freakin gave birth... I don't care about keeping up appearances for a holiday right now lol My husband and I just wanted to stay home and enjoy our baby. He made us dinner which is always nice, and we dressed her in a beautiful dress from her Godmom and we stayed home and cuddled in bed most of the day. I took advantage of my husband being home and got some laundry done too- it's funny how a great day's definition changes as your priorities change isn't it?
April should be more of the same... me at home with the baby enjoying our alone time together. We are hoping to have a gathering where the rest of the family can meet her (only our parents and siblings have met her thus far- we've asked everyone else to hold off so we can have time as a family to get adjusted) and of course my birthday is next week. I've asked for cash, my car cleaned and a tattoo for my birthday. I want to get Averie's footprint tattooed next to Mason's on my back. The cash is for new clothes- I've lost over 30lbs since Averie was born and I'm hoping to loose more once the doctors give me the ok to work out. I haven't looked this skinny in YEARS and I'm loving it! Hopefully I'll get a chance to update before the end of the month. Stay tuned for Averie's birth story and my breastfeeding journey. I hope everyone had a blessed Easter!
Friday, March 8, 2013
She's Coming!
We had our 38 week appointment on Monday but it literally took all week to get the following info confirmed, and I didn't want to jinx anything by posting too early.
As of this week they are predicting Averie is about 7lbs and that I have a large amount of fluid surrounding her, making my belly look like I'm a few weeks further along than I actually am. This made me very happy since I've been doing everything I'm supposed to in order to get the delivery I want, and on Monday we got the news we had been hoping for: Inducing at 39 weeks!!!
We didn't really get to pick a date. Our Dr said we're doing this as soon as i turn 39 weeks (that is this coming Monday) so they baby doesn't have a chance to put on more weight. They told me again that they predict my max will be 7.5lbs so if we can get this process started right at 39 weeks she should come in under that and we shouldn't have to have a C-Section. I can't tell you how excited I am that I get to at least try to have the experience I've always wanted. It's a little annoying that my Dr keeps saying "try" before every sentence but heck I'll take it! As long as I get a chance to try and deliver this baby myself I'll be happy with whatever the outcome.
I've been doing a ton of research about what the induction process is like. It's a little scary because it's all supposed to happen within 12 hours of being given the first dose of pitocen so there is less time for my body to adjust to pain but I am strangely excited to feel what I've been reading about. We're going to wait as long as we can before getting an epidural, but full disclosure, I am a huge wimp so I may cave pretty quickly... but I've decided to try and hold out for as long as I can. I want to be able to move around if I want to since I'm told that can help move the process along. Luckily my friends know what an information hog I am and have been supplying me with their experiences and as much information they can.
I just want to clarify: I don't seek this information because I'm scared or worried, it actually helps me to relax MORE if I can soak in as much info as possible. I've always been this way, I don't do things without researching the heck out of them. It's kind of like when I find a new hobby I want to know everything about it as quickly as possible and it makes me happy. (This is probably why I did so well in school growing up, I crave knowledge) I realize I could just ask my Dr all these questions but I like hearing real experiences from people I know and trust. I realize everyone has different perspectives and experiences and that mine may be nothing like it, and that's ok... but I'm still going to ask anyone willing to answer a million questions!
We had to wait for the hospital to approve the Dr's request for my induction, and for some reason that took forever. However, we finally got it confirmed and they are actually going to have us come in around 9pm on Sunday. There is a few hours of 'prep' of you will before the actual process can happen and they are going to wait until Midnight before actually starting the delivery process because I technically have to be 39 weeks. I don't really get how 3 hours makes a difference, but hey it gives us an opportunity for a proper send off... which is pretty cool!
Our immediate families are going to get together along with the God Parents and we are going to have dinner early on Sunday night before we have to go to the hospital. The Dr told me to eat my normal dinner before coming in so that's what we are doing. My favorite GD Diet food: PIZZA! I know that must sound funny because it's not considered the healthiest thing in the world but with GD what you really focus on is counting your carbs. Pizza is great because 2 slices is below my carb intake allowance and you literally don't have to count any of the toppings. They encourage things like sandwiches, pizza, and soups because there is only a small amount of carbs (usually) and they tell you to pile these items high with veggies, cheese and even meat...although I'm not a 'meatza' eater. I usually prefer the veggies and just a little meat on mind. So pizza is always a win/win.
Back to the family... we are gathering together to have our pre-hospital dinner and my husband is going to video tape our journey from there. We thought it would be sweet for Averie to see all the people that love her gathered together to wish us luck right before she was born. Plus, we don't want anyone in the delivery room with us and we want to make sure to document some of the delivery process to look back on. We are going to let the family decide when they want to come wait at the hospital. The hospital has pretty strict visiting hours but they're literally inducing me in the middle of the night and Averie can be born anytime between 4am and 12pm... so we are leaving it up to them how early in the morning they want to get up haha! It's all so exciting, and the support from our family and friends has been amazing.
It still hasn't really hit me that in just a few days I'll be holding my little girl and our family of two will become a family of 3. 3 MORE DAYS!!!!
As of this week they are predicting Averie is about 7lbs and that I have a large amount of fluid surrounding her, making my belly look like I'm a few weeks further along than I actually am. This made me very happy since I've been doing everything I'm supposed to in order to get the delivery I want, and on Monday we got the news we had been hoping for: Inducing at 39 weeks!!!
We didn't really get to pick a date. Our Dr said we're doing this as soon as i turn 39 weeks (that is this coming Monday) so they baby doesn't have a chance to put on more weight. They told me again that they predict my max will be 7.5lbs so if we can get this process started right at 39 weeks she should come in under that and we shouldn't have to have a C-Section. I can't tell you how excited I am that I get to at least try to have the experience I've always wanted. It's a little annoying that my Dr keeps saying "try" before every sentence but heck I'll take it! As long as I get a chance to try and deliver this baby myself I'll be happy with whatever the outcome.
I've been doing a ton of research about what the induction process is like. It's a little scary because it's all supposed to happen within 12 hours of being given the first dose of pitocen so there is less time for my body to adjust to pain but I am strangely excited to feel what I've been reading about. We're going to wait as long as we can before getting an epidural, but full disclosure, I am a huge wimp so I may cave pretty quickly... but I've decided to try and hold out for as long as I can. I want to be able to move around if I want to since I'm told that can help move the process along. Luckily my friends know what an information hog I am and have been supplying me with their experiences and as much information they can.
I just want to clarify: I don't seek this information because I'm scared or worried, it actually helps me to relax MORE if I can soak in as much info as possible. I've always been this way, I don't do things without researching the heck out of them. It's kind of like when I find a new hobby I want to know everything about it as quickly as possible and it makes me happy. (This is probably why I did so well in school growing up, I crave knowledge) I realize I could just ask my Dr all these questions but I like hearing real experiences from people I know and trust. I realize everyone has different perspectives and experiences and that mine may be nothing like it, and that's ok... but I'm still going to ask anyone willing to answer a million questions!
We had to wait for the hospital to approve the Dr's request for my induction, and for some reason that took forever. However, we finally got it confirmed and they are actually going to have us come in around 9pm on Sunday. There is a few hours of 'prep' of you will before the actual process can happen and they are going to wait until Midnight before actually starting the delivery process because I technically have to be 39 weeks. I don't really get how 3 hours makes a difference, but hey it gives us an opportunity for a proper send off... which is pretty cool!
Our immediate families are going to get together along with the God Parents and we are going to have dinner early on Sunday night before we have to go to the hospital. The Dr told me to eat my normal dinner before coming in so that's what we are doing. My favorite GD Diet food: PIZZA! I know that must sound funny because it's not considered the healthiest thing in the world but with GD what you really focus on is counting your carbs. Pizza is great because 2 slices is below my carb intake allowance and you literally don't have to count any of the toppings. They encourage things like sandwiches, pizza, and soups because there is only a small amount of carbs (usually) and they tell you to pile these items high with veggies, cheese and even meat...although I'm not a 'meatza' eater. I usually prefer the veggies and just a little meat on mind. So pizza is always a win/win.
Back to the family... we are gathering together to have our pre-hospital dinner and my husband is going to video tape our journey from there. We thought it would be sweet for Averie to see all the people that love her gathered together to wish us luck right before she was born. Plus, we don't want anyone in the delivery room with us and we want to make sure to document some of the delivery process to look back on. We are going to let the family decide when they want to come wait at the hospital. The hospital has pretty strict visiting hours but they're literally inducing me in the middle of the night and Averie can be born anytime between 4am and 12pm... so we are leaving it up to them how early in the morning they want to get up haha! It's all so exciting, and the support from our family and friends has been amazing.
It still hasn't really hit me that in just a few days I'll be holding my little girl and our family of two will become a family of 3. 3 MORE DAYS!!!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Anxiously Awaiting Answers
It's been about 2 weeks since my last update, but I haven't had any news to report. Unfortunately I still don't.... which for an Aries like me is almost torture haha... we aren't known for our patience.
My husband and I went to our ultrasound yesterday. In the weeks leading up to it our Dr and Midwife had said not to get our hopes up and had explained that we wouldn't actually get any results at the actual ultrasound but we might get an idea from the tech, but nothing would be in stone. It takes a few days for the different doctors to review the ultrasound results so we are now (doing our best) to wait patiently.
Late last night I did get the initial results from the ultrasound but me not being trained in any sort of medical field had no clue what they meant. It was literally just the stats with no message from my Dr attached. So, naturally, I posted the picture of them on my facebook and hoped one of my many mommy or nurse friends had some insight. Here they are (and I'll do my best to explain what they mean based on my friend's comments...
See how at the very top it says "large for dates" that initially had me worried but as I looked at all the measurements and how they stood against weekly comparisons. There was really only one that was large, and it was only by a day. When we went in I was 37 weeks, 1 day. Everything else seemed exactly on point or smaller. I didn't want to get my hopes up but here are some of the things my friends said (keeping their privacy of course- I am just going to write the medical portions of the comments)
Friend 1 (a nursing student): 6lb 7oz baby, all results normal and great, head down.
Bpd=bi parietal diameter, fl= femur length, Hc= head circumference, ac= abdominal circumference at the bottom it shows how far along you are but they usually don't use late pregnancy measurements to decide that.
My husband and I went to our ultrasound yesterday. In the weeks leading up to it our Dr and Midwife had said not to get our hopes up and had explained that we wouldn't actually get any results at the actual ultrasound but we might get an idea from the tech, but nothing would be in stone. It takes a few days for the different doctors to review the ultrasound results so we are now (doing our best) to wait patiently.
Late last night I did get the initial results from the ultrasound but me not being trained in any sort of medical field had no clue what they meant. It was literally just the stats with no message from my Dr attached. So, naturally, I posted the picture of them on my facebook and hoped one of my many mommy or nurse friends had some insight. Here they are (and I'll do my best to explain what they mean based on my friend's comments...
See how at the very top it says "large for dates" that initially had me worried but as I looked at all the measurements and how they stood against weekly comparisons. There was really only one that was large, and it was only by a day. When we went in I was 37 weeks, 1 day. Everything else seemed exactly on point or smaller. I didn't want to get my hopes up but here are some of the things my friends said (keeping their privacy of course- I am just going to write the medical portions of the comments)
Friend 1 (a nursing student): 6lb 7oz baby, all results normal and great, head down.
Bpd=bi parietal diameter, fl= femur length, Hc= head circumference, ac= abdominal circumference at the bottom it shows how far along you are but they usually don't use late pregnancy measurements to decide that.
Friend 2 (a rocking mommy): Placenta is located on the front side of your uterus and is not covering your cervical opening. Well, your cervix has some dilating to do, but that is perfectly normal for your first birth.
Friend 3 (a labor and delivery nurse): Means you should rock your vaginal delivery!
Based on their predictions I'm hoping for the news I crave from my Dr. Every time my phone goes off my heart beats a mile a minute but so far it's just been emails to aid my shopping addiction...humm I do need to be distracted....
Thankfully, I have found myself living in a zen-like emotional space the last few days... either way it'll be fine but of course I am still hoping and praying for a vaginal delivery. I've let go of the natural delivery I've been so focused on, and just want what is best for Averie. (Although I find it incredibly irritating when people feel the need to remind me of this- I think I of all people know that a healthy baby is what is important but that doesn't mean I can't hope and want things to go a certain way) If I am blessed with the news I desire I'll still have to be induced early and if that happens bring on the drugs! I'm not sure how it works out timing wise for that option, since inducing can still be a long process. We were just told sometime between the 11th and the 18th... I'll be happy to nail down a date quickly if we are given the option since so many of our family is coming from out of town.
If we have to have a C-Section we had to pick a day when my particular OB would be at the hospital (there is a 24 hr rotation for all the OB's at my practice) and that means Averie would share a birthday with her very understanding auntie. But it also means she gets a super cool birth date- 3/13/13 ;)
So... we wait... and wait... and freaking wait... in all seriousness, despite the waiting I get more and more excited thinking about how close our baby is to coming. It's kinda weird to think it won't just be me and my hubby anymore and each day it gets less terrifying. We're even getting our family involved in a 'who will she look like?' pool (more on that later). We're doing everything we can to make these last few weeks fun and help the time go by. I seriously can't wait to meet our little girl!!!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Time To Process
I've had almost a week to process everything I wrote in my last post. Things are different, but do I feel any differently? Not really. I still want a C-Section about as much as I want to rip off my toe nails. I did however, get a chance to talk with my new therapist about why this is affecting me so much.
I've written before about my decision to start seeing a new therapist and have no problem discussing it. I think therapy is something most people could benefit from, but I also understand that a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about it. I love it. Honestly, it always reassures me that I'm at least trying to do the right things and it's really nice to have an unbiased opinion. Therapists don't always tell you what you want to hear, and I think that is a good thing. I hope that by me talking about my experiences in therapy it helps someone who's been considering it to take that first step- honestly you won't regret it. Besides, not talking about the hard things is far more damaging than the things you think are damaging you. (That little gem is all me.. re-read it a couple times for it to make sense lol)
I've been seeing her for a few weeks now and I really like her. She makes me feel like everything I'm going through is normal, a lot like the couples trauma counselor my husband and I saw immediately after our loss. I got the same feeling of being immediately comfortable and trusting her right away. It's a strange thing to have your therapist constantly tell you that you're doing everything right, that your feelings are valid...especially when that little voice in the back of your head just tells you you're a nut job. For some reason I feel the need to clarify that I'm not hearing voices haha! I'm talking of course about self doubt. There is also the fact that I have a hard time shaking off those that tell me I'm over reacting or question why a C-Section would be the worst thing. I don't like having to justify myself to people so this is something I struggle with. Am I doing something wrong in the first place if there are people who tell me I'm bonkers for even caring about this?
Anywho- back to the therapist... she reinforced what I already knew: no, I am not over reacting and no, I don't actually have to justify myself to people... and that feels good! She also explained that no matter how good of a place I might be in surrounding Mason- practically ANY complication or hiccups in this pregnancy are going to tap into the emotions tied into my last pregnancy. At first, I thought maybe she was crazy because in my mind one doesn't connect with the other. One had decisions that we had to make and one has decisions that are essentially out of my control. Apparently, the literal comparisons don't really matter... she explained that it all comes from the same emotional place.
I took a few days to think about what she said and let it really sink in. Then I re-read my last post and saw what I had written about regretting not delivering Mason. There it was, in black and white and I had forgotten that those words had come out of me. That was it though... I need to work through those feelings so I don't carry them over in case I don't get to deliver Averie the way I want. Reading those words also helped me understand what my therapist was saying- weather I like it or not things from Averie's pregnancy are going to tap into Mason's and there isn't much I can do about it. What I can do is recognize it, and try to work through it... and the biggest part? Forgive myself. That sounds strange when I say it out loud but it makes sense... I did everything I was supposed to, and if it doesn't end the way it should, I have to forgive myself because there are things I just can't control.
She also made me promise to allow myself to grieve if things don't go as planned. That concept still seems strange to me too but she said "if you feel it, it's right and it's valid, and you don't have to apologize for it" so I've been trying to keep that in mind as I've experienced all different emotions this week. She told me that many mom's who have to have an unplanned C-Section grieve the loss of that experience. It's an experience that can't be replicated, and a lot of people experience sadness over not being able to have it.
I realize as I talk to more and more moms that everyone feels differently about it. I have always been someone to appreciate different perspectives, but it still hasn't changed mine. Some moms love their C-Section experience and wouldn't trade it for a vaginal delivery, and some have opened up to me and told me that they wish they could know what it's like to deliver vaginally but at least as they have more kids they know what to expect with another C-Section when vaginal births are SO different from one to the next. Lots of women are happy not to feel the pain of a vaginal delivery too... and while I'm the biggest wimp when it comes to pain I find myself sad about having to miss that part too.
My therapist did help me figure out what plan I want to go with regarding Averie's delivery... I am going to wait until our 37 week ultrasound and see what Averie's stats are: position, weight ect before I make a decision. I am not going to attempt to turn her. It was hard for me to take that option off the table, because I am one of those people that needs to exhaust every single option before giving up... and I know a part of me will constantly play the 'what if' card if I end up having a C-Section... but I also know that a bigger part of me will feel defeated if I go through his painful procedure only to have her be too large for me to deliver myself. So that's where we stand right now.
I'm paying close attention to where I feel her move to see if I notice any differences... and I honestly do feel like I've felt her move at the top and bottom of my stomach at the same time (which would indicate a head-down position) but I think I'm just too eager to take those movements too seriously at this point and can't be trusted.
I feel good about the direction we've decided to go, and I know that I have the support I need if things still don't go according to plan. Between my husband and my wonderful therapist I know I'm in good hands.
I've written before about my decision to start seeing a new therapist and have no problem discussing it. I think therapy is something most people could benefit from, but I also understand that a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about it. I love it. Honestly, it always reassures me that I'm at least trying to do the right things and it's really nice to have an unbiased opinion. Therapists don't always tell you what you want to hear, and I think that is a good thing. I hope that by me talking about my experiences in therapy it helps someone who's been considering it to take that first step- honestly you won't regret it. Besides, not talking about the hard things is far more damaging than the things you think are damaging you. (That little gem is all me.. re-read it a couple times for it to make sense lol)
I've been seeing her for a few weeks now and I really like her. She makes me feel like everything I'm going through is normal, a lot like the couples trauma counselor my husband and I saw immediately after our loss. I got the same feeling of being immediately comfortable and trusting her right away. It's a strange thing to have your therapist constantly tell you that you're doing everything right, that your feelings are valid...especially when that little voice in the back of your head just tells you you're a nut job. For some reason I feel the need to clarify that I'm not hearing voices haha! I'm talking of course about self doubt. There is also the fact that I have a hard time shaking off those that tell me I'm over reacting or question why a C-Section would be the worst thing. I don't like having to justify myself to people so this is something I struggle with. Am I doing something wrong in the first place if there are people who tell me I'm bonkers for even caring about this?
Anywho- back to the therapist... she reinforced what I already knew: no, I am not over reacting and no, I don't actually have to justify myself to people... and that feels good! She also explained that no matter how good of a place I might be in surrounding Mason- practically ANY complication or hiccups in this pregnancy are going to tap into the emotions tied into my last pregnancy. At first, I thought maybe she was crazy because in my mind one doesn't connect with the other. One had decisions that we had to make and one has decisions that are essentially out of my control. Apparently, the literal comparisons don't really matter... she explained that it all comes from the same emotional place.
I took a few days to think about what she said and let it really sink in. Then I re-read my last post and saw what I had written about regretting not delivering Mason. There it was, in black and white and I had forgotten that those words had come out of me. That was it though... I need to work through those feelings so I don't carry them over in case I don't get to deliver Averie the way I want. Reading those words also helped me understand what my therapist was saying- weather I like it or not things from Averie's pregnancy are going to tap into Mason's and there isn't much I can do about it. What I can do is recognize it, and try to work through it... and the biggest part? Forgive myself. That sounds strange when I say it out loud but it makes sense... I did everything I was supposed to, and if it doesn't end the way it should, I have to forgive myself because there are things I just can't control.
She also made me promise to allow myself to grieve if things don't go as planned. That concept still seems strange to me too but she said "if you feel it, it's right and it's valid, and you don't have to apologize for it" so I've been trying to keep that in mind as I've experienced all different emotions this week. She told me that many mom's who have to have an unplanned C-Section grieve the loss of that experience. It's an experience that can't be replicated, and a lot of people experience sadness over not being able to have it.
I realize as I talk to more and more moms that everyone feels differently about it. I have always been someone to appreciate different perspectives, but it still hasn't changed mine. Some moms love their C-Section experience and wouldn't trade it for a vaginal delivery, and some have opened up to me and told me that they wish they could know what it's like to deliver vaginally but at least as they have more kids they know what to expect with another C-Section when vaginal births are SO different from one to the next. Lots of women are happy not to feel the pain of a vaginal delivery too... and while I'm the biggest wimp when it comes to pain I find myself sad about having to miss that part too.
My therapist did help me figure out what plan I want to go with regarding Averie's delivery... I am going to wait until our 37 week ultrasound and see what Averie's stats are: position, weight ect before I make a decision. I am not going to attempt to turn her. It was hard for me to take that option off the table, because I am one of those people that needs to exhaust every single option before giving up... and I know a part of me will constantly play the 'what if' card if I end up having a C-Section... but I also know that a bigger part of me will feel defeated if I go through his painful procedure only to have her be too large for me to deliver myself. So that's where we stand right now.
I'm paying close attention to where I feel her move to see if I notice any differences... and I honestly do feel like I've felt her move at the top and bottom of my stomach at the same time (which would indicate a head-down position) but I think I'm just too eager to take those movements too seriously at this point and can't be trusted.
I feel good about the direction we've decided to go, and I know that I have the support I need if things still don't go according to plan. Between my husband and my wonderful therapist I know I'm in good hands.
Monday, February 11, 2013
The C-Word
I have never in my life despised hearing a single word as much as I despise hearing this word. It doesn't go away either... every time I think I get away from it a little bit and I'm in the clear... BAM... the C-word comes and punches me in the face yet again. It's a dirty mofo of a word and I swear if I go the rest of my life without hearing it- it'll still be too soon.
Of course I'm talking about Cesarean. That stupid word... it IS going to be the death of me.
Perhaps I should back up a bit... my last few doctor appointments have been going well and that dirty little word hasn't been brought up at all....until today. In fact last week I lost a pound and this week I stayed at the same weight... so my total weight gain for this pregnancy is still at 7lbs but somehow I have a giant baby growing inside of me. I get that I'm small so I look bigger... I get that I have GD which usually causes bigger babies BUT I was told that going through all this crap would work in my favor. Doing all the testing, scheduling, eating, exercising ect. would keep the baby where she should be. It's exhausting feeling like I'm constantly doing things I hate for the greater good for months now only to be told its not making a damn bit of difference. It's just so frustrating knowing that nothing your doing is helping, especially when its your own body working against you.
Despite my lack of weight gain (which you think would be comforting but when I look in the mirror I just see this swollen lump) Averie is still measuring much larger than she should be. Today she measured at 38 weeks... I'm only 35 weeks. Her weight is over 5lbs and she should only be a little over 4. We're getting to the point in my pregnancy where she should be gaining a half pound a week which would put me closer to 9lbs around the time I'm supposed to deliver. Another lovely hiccup? She's in the breech position which complicates things if she doesn't turn head down in the next 2 weeks.
That's where once again that stupid bitch of a C-word keeps popping up. I know my doctors understand that I want to experience a vaginal birth more than anything. I honestly feel like they want to respect my wishes too... however I now feel like I'm being groomed for a C-Section. They keep saying that we'll just wait and see but then give me a ton of information on what is going on, and what my options are that all seem to lead back to a C-Section. People have told me "don't let the doctors intimidate you into doing something you don't want to" well let me tell you something... There is no way in hell I am pushing out a 9lb baby from my 4'10" frame AND there is no way in hell I am foregoing an epidural if they have to induce. I want a natural child birthing experience with natural pain. The drugs they use to induce labor are powerful- and increase labor pain a considerable amount.... in the words of Kristen Bell "I've got nothing to prove!" Especially if I'm going to have to be induced. Here's another thing: I trust my doctors and I will listen to them when they tell me what is best for me and Averie, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about what that might mean.
When my husband and I left our appointment today we were given homework: asses our options and let them know in 2 weeks what we want to do. Here are the options:
1. Wait and see if she turns. If she turns we know we can try a vaginal delivery but only if she doesn't go over 7.5 lbs. So while I ultimately like this option it could be a moot point based on how much weight she gains. I have another ultrasound scheduled in 2 weeks to get a conclusive answer as to how big she actually is.
2. The doctor can turn her. I forget what this procedure is called but basically I would have to be admitted to the hospital for the day. They would give me some kind of medication that relaxes my uterus and they would physically turn her from the outside. It's a gradual thing which is why it's an all day procedure... however they didn't even try to hide the fact that it would be painful for me. Less painful than if we do nothing and I go into labor while she's still breech and they have to shove her back in for a C-Section. (did you shudder just now? I did when they explained that little gem)
3. Do neither 1 or 2 and just schedule a C-Section at 39 weeks (which would make her birthday the week of March 11th)
I would do anything at this point to keep my option of a vaginal birth... except I'm afraid that even going through the emotional worry of option 1 and all the pain of option 2 she's still going to end up being delivered via C-Section because of her size. There is a small part of me that is so tired of doing everything right only to be disappointed, and that part wants to just give up and agree to option 3. Then there is the bigger part of me that is stubborn and I want to prove to myself and anyone else that if you follow all the rules and do what you're told it pays off in the end. However, odds have never really been in my favor throughout my life- and now seems like a pretty silly time to be betting on any.
This next part may sound dumb but here goes: I don't want to miss out on the experience of a vaginal birth, because I feel like I missed out on a lot of normal kid experiences growing up and am angry at the world that this is yet another thing I won't get to do. I don't understand why things in my life always have to be different from everyone else's. I feel ridiculous copping to that feeling but it is what it is- in general I'm thankful for my life being different because it's caused me to be who I am today... but why does that ALWAYS have to be the case ya know?
I do realize I'm devastated over HOW I'm going to deliver my baby. I haven't forgotten that I actually get to physically hold her when all this is done, unlike my last pregnancy. While I've been happy all this time that I had surgery with Mason there's a part of me starting to regret not going with the option of delivering him. It would have been harder emotionally but maybe I wouldn't be so upset now with a C-Section looming on the horizon.
I'm trying to be a big girl though, and not let this completely consume me... My husband had scheduled a guy's day in the city today and while every ounce of me wanted to beg him to stay home and cuddle with me all day I held myself together so he could still go with a clear conscience. I went for a 50 minute walk with our dog (normally its 15-20) and spent some time appreciating what a beautiful day it is. I spent some time praying in hopes of finding an answer within myself, it didn't work but I always feel better after spending some time with God.
My husband, I think, is at a loss for how to help me figure this out. He just told me that he'll support whatever I want to do. Part of me appreciates that he doesn't want to dictate me and my body but another part just wishes he could have all the answers. Hopefully all my anger, sadness, and helplessness- I'm literally feeling a million different emotions today thanks to those lovely hormones- will be gone tomorrow just like when I first found out I had GD...horrible the day of, not so bad the next day... in fact I'm praying that tomorrow I'll wake up and know what I'm supposed to do.
Of course I'm talking about Cesarean. That stupid word... it IS going to be the death of me.
Perhaps I should back up a bit... my last few doctor appointments have been going well and that dirty little word hasn't been brought up at all....until today. In fact last week I lost a pound and this week I stayed at the same weight... so my total weight gain for this pregnancy is still at 7lbs but somehow I have a giant baby growing inside of me. I get that I'm small so I look bigger... I get that I have GD which usually causes bigger babies BUT I was told that going through all this crap would work in my favor. Doing all the testing, scheduling, eating, exercising ect. would keep the baby where she should be. It's exhausting feeling like I'm constantly doing things I hate for the greater good for months now only to be told its not making a damn bit of difference. It's just so frustrating knowing that nothing your doing is helping, especially when its your own body working against you.
Despite my lack of weight gain (which you think would be comforting but when I look in the mirror I just see this swollen lump) Averie is still measuring much larger than she should be. Today she measured at 38 weeks... I'm only 35 weeks. Her weight is over 5lbs and she should only be a little over 4. We're getting to the point in my pregnancy where she should be gaining a half pound a week which would put me closer to 9lbs around the time I'm supposed to deliver. Another lovely hiccup? She's in the breech position which complicates things if she doesn't turn head down in the next 2 weeks.
That's where once again that stupid bitch of a C-word keeps popping up. I know my doctors understand that I want to experience a vaginal birth more than anything. I honestly feel like they want to respect my wishes too... however I now feel like I'm being groomed for a C-Section. They keep saying that we'll just wait and see but then give me a ton of information on what is going on, and what my options are that all seem to lead back to a C-Section. People have told me "don't let the doctors intimidate you into doing something you don't want to" well let me tell you something... There is no way in hell I am pushing out a 9lb baby from my 4'10" frame AND there is no way in hell I am foregoing an epidural if they have to induce. I want a natural child birthing experience with natural pain. The drugs they use to induce labor are powerful- and increase labor pain a considerable amount.... in the words of Kristen Bell "I've got nothing to prove!" Especially if I'm going to have to be induced. Here's another thing: I trust my doctors and I will listen to them when they tell me what is best for me and Averie, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about what that might mean.
When my husband and I left our appointment today we were given homework: asses our options and let them know in 2 weeks what we want to do. Here are the options:
1. Wait and see if she turns. If she turns we know we can try a vaginal delivery but only if she doesn't go over 7.5 lbs. So while I ultimately like this option it could be a moot point based on how much weight she gains. I have another ultrasound scheduled in 2 weeks to get a conclusive answer as to how big she actually is.
2. The doctor can turn her. I forget what this procedure is called but basically I would have to be admitted to the hospital for the day. They would give me some kind of medication that relaxes my uterus and they would physically turn her from the outside. It's a gradual thing which is why it's an all day procedure... however they didn't even try to hide the fact that it would be painful for me. Less painful than if we do nothing and I go into labor while she's still breech and they have to shove her back in for a C-Section. (did you shudder just now? I did when they explained that little gem)
3. Do neither 1 or 2 and just schedule a C-Section at 39 weeks (which would make her birthday the week of March 11th)
I would do anything at this point to keep my option of a vaginal birth... except I'm afraid that even going through the emotional worry of option 1 and all the pain of option 2 she's still going to end up being delivered via C-Section because of her size. There is a small part of me that is so tired of doing everything right only to be disappointed, and that part wants to just give up and agree to option 3. Then there is the bigger part of me that is stubborn and I want to prove to myself and anyone else that if you follow all the rules and do what you're told it pays off in the end. However, odds have never really been in my favor throughout my life- and now seems like a pretty silly time to be betting on any.
This next part may sound dumb but here goes: I don't want to miss out on the experience of a vaginal birth, because I feel like I missed out on a lot of normal kid experiences growing up and am angry at the world that this is yet another thing I won't get to do. I don't understand why things in my life always have to be different from everyone else's. I feel ridiculous copping to that feeling but it is what it is- in general I'm thankful for my life being different because it's caused me to be who I am today... but why does that ALWAYS have to be the case ya know?
I do realize I'm devastated over HOW I'm going to deliver my baby. I haven't forgotten that I actually get to physically hold her when all this is done, unlike my last pregnancy. While I've been happy all this time that I had surgery with Mason there's a part of me starting to regret not going with the option of delivering him. It would have been harder emotionally but maybe I wouldn't be so upset now with a C-Section looming on the horizon.
I'm trying to be a big girl though, and not let this completely consume me... My husband had scheduled a guy's day in the city today and while every ounce of me wanted to beg him to stay home and cuddle with me all day I held myself together so he could still go with a clear conscience. I went for a 50 minute walk with our dog (normally its 15-20) and spent some time appreciating what a beautiful day it is. I spent some time praying in hopes of finding an answer within myself, it didn't work but I always feel better after spending some time with God.
My husband, I think, is at a loss for how to help me figure this out. He just told me that he'll support whatever I want to do. Part of me appreciates that he doesn't want to dictate me and my body but another part just wishes he could have all the answers. Hopefully all my anger, sadness, and helplessness- I'm literally feeling a million different emotions today thanks to those lovely hormones- will be gone tomorrow just like when I first found out I had GD...horrible the day of, not so bad the next day... in fact I'm praying that tomorrow I'll wake up and know what I'm supposed to do.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Another YHL Moment
I apologize for the huge gap in between posts. Truthfully we have been super busy in baby world- we had 2 baby showers the last few weeks, we were working like crazy to finish the nursery and I've been booked with Dr appointments (nothing bad- but you can expect a post later about them). I thought it might be fun for my first post in a few weeks to be about our journey transforming my mom's junk room into Averie's nursery.
Most of us call my mom a hoarder- but not the dirty trash obsessed kind like on tv- but really she is a keeper of memories (a term i discovered from a friend's instagram) so it was a long and involved process to get her to clean out the room she offered me. However, once we were on a roll boxing things it went pretty quickly. I don't have a picture of the true before, but I here is what it looked like while we were boxing things (most of the large furniture was already removed before the boxing began)
Originally this room was decorated for my little sister as a surprise when she was 9 or 10. She went to visit our grandparents and my mom and i decorated it for her while she was gone. The geographic wall and lanterns/wall hangings were all from her favorite shirt... and while the pattern I painted on the wall was pretty basic it was my first time painting an accent wall and it got me addicted to them (hence our room decals from this post disclaimer- that room doesn't look anything like that once my husband joined me with all our bedroom furniture) and the upcoming pics of Averie's room. It's not pictured but one of the walls was even covered in chalkboard paint- which was surprisingly easy to cover.
After the room was cleared we realized it needed a face lift. My parent's have lived in this house for over 25 years and haven't been able to do much remodeling to the actual bedrooms so we took the opportunity to change the moulding, repaint and upgrade the closet.
I still cant believe when I look at the pics side by side how different the before and after are... I am so excited to bring her home to her new room! This process was more fun than I had originally thought it would be, and it was a great experience doing it alongside my hubby. If i could find a way to make designing baby rooms into a job I would drop everything and do it!
Most of us call my mom a hoarder- but not the dirty trash obsessed kind like on tv- but really she is a keeper of memories (a term i discovered from a friend's instagram) so it was a long and involved process to get her to clean out the room she offered me. However, once we were on a roll boxing things it went pretty quickly. I don't have a picture of the true before, but I here is what it looked like while we were boxing things (most of the large furniture was already removed before the boxing began)
After the room was cleared we realized it needed a face lift. My parent's have lived in this house for over 25 years and haven't been able to do much remodeling to the actual bedrooms so we took the opportunity to change the moulding, repaint and upgrade the closet.
Because of my height and growing belly I did all the bottom edges and the main painting while the hubby did all the top edges. Together we got the whole room painted lilac in about an hour.
Then Kev had to remove all the old moulding- which I didn't help with because well... eew... but it looked pretty easy. He just used a crowbar and we had a pile of scrap moulding in under 10 minutes.
It only took a few cuts, some nails and sealant to attach the new moulding. Our biggest mistake was not painting it BEFORE he attached it. My thinking was he's going to nick it up with the hammer and I would just have to touch it up anyway, but trying to cleanly paint moulding with carpet fighting me was a challenge and it took way longer than it should have. Most moulding choices come primed white- and I guess you could leave it but Kev insisted on covering it with a semi gloss in white to make upkeep easier. I can't believe how much changing the moulding changed the look of the room.
My mom and I had gone out and chosen the furniture and ordered it but it was going to be a few weeks before it arrived. We wanted to plan out where we were going to not only place the furniture in the room but where we were going to paint the animals from Averie's bedding on the walls. Kev came up with a great idea: using painters tape to mark the dimensions of the furniture so we could settle on placement. He really is a smarty pants!
I just like taking pics of his tooshy ;)
Next was the fun part: painting the figurines!!! I love to paint but I was nervous to freehand the figures on the wall so I had my very talented artist hubby draw them for me. Around this time I was taken out of work so I had plenty of time to work on painting them.
I had a little help from Harbor kitty
I think my favorite is the giraffe... I told Kev we have to come up with names for them ;)
Here is the finished product before the furniture arrived:
I couldn't get a picture of the closet before but basically there were no doors. The closet is quite large and extends almost to the door jamb on the left on the inside so I had kev add an extra poll to give us 2 rows to hang clothes on. We bought these doors from Home Depot and he installed them in about 20 minutes. They match the moulding and eventually we will replace the door to her room with a similar 6-panel door.
And here is the final product- complete with furniture and accessories from her showers!
I still cant believe when I look at the pics side by side how different the before and after are... I am so excited to bring her home to her new room! This process was more fun than I had originally thought it would be, and it was a great experience doing it alongside my hubby. If i could find a way to make designing baby rooms into a job I would drop everything and do it!
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