I've had almost a week to process everything I wrote in my last post. Things are different, but do I feel any differently? Not really. I still want a C-Section about as much as I want to rip off my toe nails. I did however, get a chance to talk with my new therapist about why this is affecting me so much.
I've written before about my decision to start seeing a new therapist and have no problem discussing it. I think therapy is something most people could benefit from, but I also understand that a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about it. I love it. Honestly, it always reassures me that I'm at least trying to do the right things and it's really nice to have an unbiased opinion. Therapists don't always tell you what you want to hear, and I think that is a good thing. I hope that by me talking about my experiences in therapy it helps someone who's been considering it to take that first step- honestly you won't regret it. Besides, not talking about the hard things is far more damaging than the things you think are damaging you. (That little gem is all me.. re-read it a couple times for it to make sense lol)
I've been seeing her for a few weeks now and I really like her. She makes me feel like everything I'm going through is normal, a lot like the couples trauma counselor my husband and I saw immediately after our loss. I got the same feeling of being immediately comfortable and trusting her right away. It's a strange thing to have your therapist constantly tell you that you're doing everything right, that your feelings are valid...especially when that little voice in the back of your head just tells you you're a nut job. For some reason I feel the need to clarify that I'm not hearing voices haha! I'm talking of course about self doubt. There is also the fact that I have a hard time shaking off those that tell me I'm over reacting or question why a C-Section would be the worst thing. I don't like having to justify myself to people so this is something I struggle with. Am I doing something wrong in the first place if there are people who tell me I'm bonkers for even caring about this?
Anywho- back to the therapist... she reinforced what I already knew: no, I am not over reacting and no, I don't actually have to justify myself to people... and that feels good! She also explained that no matter how good of a place I might be in surrounding Mason- practically ANY complication or hiccups in this pregnancy are going to tap into the emotions tied into my last pregnancy. At first, I thought maybe she was crazy because in my mind one doesn't connect with the other. One had decisions that we had to make and one has decisions that are essentially out of my control. Apparently, the literal comparisons don't really matter... she explained that it all comes from the same emotional place.
I took a few days to think about what she said and let it really sink in. Then I re-read my last post and saw what I had written about regretting not delivering Mason. There it was, in black and white and I had forgotten that those words had come out of me. That was it though... I need to work through those feelings so I don't carry them over in case I don't get to deliver Averie the way I want. Reading those words also helped me understand what my therapist was saying- weather I like it or not things from Averie's pregnancy are going to tap into Mason's and there isn't much I can do about it. What I can do is recognize it, and try to work through it... and the biggest part? Forgive myself. That sounds strange when I say it out loud but it makes sense... I did everything I was supposed to, and if it doesn't end the way it should, I have to forgive myself because there are things I just can't control.
She also made me promise to allow myself to grieve if things don't go as planned. That concept still seems strange to me too but she said "if you feel it, it's right and it's valid, and you don't have to apologize for it" so I've been trying to keep that in mind as I've experienced all different emotions this week. She told me that many mom's who have to have an unplanned C-Section grieve the loss of that experience. It's an experience that can't be replicated, and a lot of people experience sadness over not being able to have it.
I realize as I talk to more and more moms that everyone feels differently about it. I have always been someone to appreciate different perspectives, but it still hasn't changed mine. Some moms love their C-Section experience and wouldn't trade it for a vaginal delivery, and some have opened up to me and told me that they wish they could know what it's like to deliver vaginally but at least as they have more kids they know what to expect with another C-Section when vaginal births are SO different from one to the next. Lots of women are happy not to feel the pain of a vaginal delivery too... and while I'm the biggest wimp when it comes to pain I find myself sad about having to miss that part too.
My therapist did help me figure out what plan I want to go with regarding Averie's delivery... I am going to wait until our 37 week ultrasound and see what Averie's stats are: position, weight ect before I make a decision. I am not going to attempt to turn her. It was hard for me to take that option off the table, because I am one of those people that needs to exhaust every single option before giving up... and I know a part of me will constantly play the 'what if' card if I end up having a C-Section... but I also know that a bigger part of me will feel defeated if I go through his painful procedure only to have her be too large for me to deliver myself. So that's where we stand right now.
I'm paying close attention to where I feel her move to see if I notice any differences... and I honestly do feel like I've felt her move at the top and bottom of my stomach at the same time (which would indicate a head-down position) but I think I'm just too eager to take those movements too seriously at this point and can't be trusted.
I feel good about the direction we've decided to go, and I know that I have the support I need if things still don't go according to plan. Between my husband and my wonderful therapist I know I'm in good hands.
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