A Baby Bear Update

Basically I have totally sucked at updating this thing. I can't believe the last time I sat down to write was half way through my pregnancy and now we are in the final weeks! Basically all of my complications are still here... Gestational Diabetes, the wall in my uterus, needing to have my tubes tied, nerve damage and constant nausea. BUT I've now been taken out of work for about 6 weeks and I have to admit I've loved it far more than I thought I would.

I've always been one of those moms that is literally obsessed with her kid... but as my crazy and wonderful daughter has reached 2 and a half- the terrible two's have come to fruition. I am now the mom that is 100% obsessed with her kid but definitely needs a break once and a while to keep my sanity. It's been kind of strange to realize my craving for alone time, and to not feel guilty about it. Everything I do is for my daughter. Everything I do is with my daughter. It took me a few weeks to realize it was ok to want to do things without her too. Luckily my husband and MIL have both been telling me this forever and are more than happy to provide me with an hour here and there to have to myself. I am very thankful and very blessed to have this balance.

Since being home we have worked on updating and upgrading the house in all areas. We took our very long living room and put a wall up at the far end to create a new office for me. Baby Bear will move into my old office once we finish the work in there. I am so proud of my hubby for taking on all this construction work- he did an amazing job. Now we are tearing down the closet in the nursery (where it was before made the room L shaped and there was no wall space big enough for a crib). That room is all windows but has it's own bathroom so a little bit of reconfiguring the layout should fix it right up. The crib and furniture has all been ordered (some awesome garage sale finds are just waiting for a little sprucing) but otherwise we are almost ready.

Physically I am ready, and at the same time I'm not. I am struggling a little bit with the fact that once this baby comes I'll never get to do it again. I'll never get to feel a baby move in my belly again, I'll never have a newborn again. So many things are final once this baby arrives. I kinda wish I could just pause time and enjoy these last few weeks a little longer. On the other hand, my back is killing me and I can't eat anything I want to... and God I MISS WINE! Its probably fair to say I'm equally happy for it to be over and sad. However, as I've said many times I didn't even think this baby was a possibility a year ago, so I am over the moon that I did get to experience this one last time.

So that brings us to Baby Bear's birth. Because of all my complications, my doctors and I have come up with two birth plans. Bless them, they still want me to be able to try and deliver without a C-Section. The wall in my uterus is sometimes there, and sometimes it's not. They think it might be malleable tissue that moves with the baby- but from the movement and the feeling of my stomach the baby stays to one side- so it makes sense the times that we can see the wall on the ultrasound- it's just empty space with fluid. So... we have two plans:

Plan A: This baby decides to come naturally and I get to deliver him at my 1st choice hospital. This hospital is a little ways away from us but their birthing philosophy and their NICU capabilities called out to me. There are a TON of rules, but they are all to protect the intimacy of the birthing experience. (For example: only one other person is allowed with me while I'm in labor. Not one at a time- just one person for the entire experience.) I love this, since last time I kept kicking everyone out and couldn't focus when the room was full. It was stressing me out and I always knew I didn't want that again, but this rule makes it so I don't have to be the bad guy. If I am able to deliver naturally I'd have to go to another hospital on a different day to have my tubes tied (this hospital is a Catholic one) so even if I end up with a medically necessary C-Section at this hospital I'd still need my tubes tied either way. This hospital is so great that I don't mind having to go back in for the procedure. Plus, in case we have another NICU need- this is the best hospital in the area for that. All the other hospitals would transport us to this one, so it makes sense to try to be there already.

Plan B: If Baby Bear doesn't come on his own by Thanksgiving, we are scheduled for a C-Section on the next day at an entirely different hospital. Because I have Gestational Diabetes they won't allow me to go longer than 39 weeks. This hospital does perform tubal ligation, so it makes sense if I end up having to have a C-Section then I should do it at the place that can perform the additional procedure. At that point we would just hope and pray for the best that Nate won't have any of the same complications as Averie and won't need a NICU. What I like about this plan, is that it's a one stop shop and I don't have to worry about scheduling an extra procedure. (and it means no December birthdays!)

I love both of these plans- mainly because I feel like I am getting set up for the best of both worlds. Luckily there are doctors at my office that have privileges in both of these hospitals, so I won't be stuck with a Doctor who doesn't know my history and complications no matter where I deliver. I also love that it's completely in Gods hands. I don't have to make the decisions. I don't have to worry and wonder if we're making the right moves at the right time. This baby can come on his own, or he'll come about a week from now. I like having an end date and 2 solid plans.

The hubby starts his vacation tomorrow so I can have the help I need (technically I am on bed rest and have been banned from traveling and driving) but because he wasn't able to be home with me it was kind of hard to adhere to. There is a house to clean, a shop to run and a toddler to run after. But now that he'll be off I'll be able to actually listen to all my doctors who have been urging  demanding me to take it easy. The bed rest and restrictions came from the constant Braxton Hicks contractions I've been having for weeks now. They're pretty regular, as in I'll have them a couple times a day but they always go away. Man... they are intense! I think my doctors have just gotten more cautious as now we are in the last few weeks and those practice contractions could become real ones very quickly.

So my new job for the next 12 days is to enjoy what's left of this pregnancy and have fun getting his nursery ready. I already closed up shop to new orders and have finished most of the large projects. I just have a few fun things lined up once the baby's room is completely done and painted. My poor hubby is going to wish he stayed at work when he sees the to-do list I have for him!

2nd Trimester Dogpile

WARNING: This is going to be a LOOOONG post!

As of today I am officially 21 weeks, which means we are more than half way though this pregnancy. There has been a lot going on in our little lives every since we've gotten pregnant but I guess I've been wanting to keep that to myself... until today. Yet again, we had more unfavorable news and I'm tired of trying to face it alone. My husband is incredibly supportive but there isn't a whole lot he can do, and honestly I think we're both tired of this game we get forced into where we have to keep reconfiguring our lives when each of these problems pops up. It's exhausting to say the least. Maybe we should start from the beginning...

A while ago (forgive me, as time is all blurring together) we were told our 2nd trimester screening came back positive for the same neural tube defects that affected Mason. With terror in our hearts for days and days we waited until we could go see the specialist. Long story short, our little one did not have any neural tube defects they could see. If anything is there, its so minor that it can be fixed after birth. (Whew!) The bad news? I have a "wall" growing in my uterus next to the baby. The specialist thinks it may be from my surgery but they really don't know. It isn't a "favorable" thing to have, as it could eventually crowd the baby so I am being monitored closely to keep an eye on it. We actually go back tomorrow for an update.

My back has been bothering me since I pee'd on the stick. It was actually one of my husband's first signals that I may be pregnant. So, after it started to get worse and worse (there are days when I literally can't get out of bed) we went to the doctor to find out what's going on. Basically I have perminate nerve damage from being pregnant with Averie that only flares up when I'm knocked up. I was referred to a physical therapist, but as my pregnancy has progressed so has my pain level. So, now I have to go multiple times a week to try and work on the nerve damage that keeps me from standing for long periods of time, and makes it difficult to walk.  But, I absolutely loves my PT! She's the sweetest and I always leave feeling so much better, so no complaints here!

The other complication is my weight. As in, I haven't gained any and I'm more than half way though my pregnancy. Because I have been plagued (again... thanks babies!) with constant nausea and vomiting my doctor is worried about my lack of weight gain. I thought I was doing well, because I haven't had to go get an IV for fluids yet- I thought I was winning this one haha- but it turns out it's still concerning even if it doesn't land me in the hospital this time. We are trying different nausea medications but so far the results have been the same: Me 0, Puking 100

In between all this medical chaos, we found out we are having a BOY! We are so excited to have our pair. We feel very blessed to not only have a healthy baby but to have the boy my husband has been wanting forever. Still no names, nothing seems to fit yet but we have time ;)

Now for the things that are weighing me down. I am trying really hard to stay positive this pregnancy and to take each obstacle with grace, but it weighs down on you no matter how hard you try to make a go of it. Because of all my complications it means a couple of things:

1. All of my doctors and specialists want to take me out of work now. This is something I have absolutely refused to do at this point. I can't just sit at home and think about everything I have going on, I'll drive myself crazy. Yes, I could put more time into my Etsy shop I suppose, but a lot of my issues would keep me from being in front of my sewing machine (as they have already). I need to work. As much as I like to complain about retail, I do enjoy it. I like the people I work with (one of them being my hunky hubby who always keeps me in a steady supply of snacks at break time) and it distracts me from all the pregnancy drama and worry that would otherwise be overwhelming my brain. Plus, we just can't afford to live with one income and a third of another.

2. I am going to have to have a C-Section. (Between the unpredictable "wall" in my uterus and my previous 26 hour labor this is their recommendation.) This isn't as upsetting as I thought it would be. Of course I've been hoping to have all the regular experiences most women get to- water breaking, natural labor, maybe even a doula.. but at this point with everything I've had to worry about in the past and in this pregnancy I'm just happy they have a safe way to get this baby out. I can let go of the things I won't get to experience, because the honest truth is I get to experience another baby... and about 6 months ago I had given up hope on that being a reality. There are some well meaning people in my life that keep urging me to get a 3rd opinion, or to try to deliver despite what my doctors have told me but how this baby comes into this world just isn't as important to me as it used to be. So to those people, I love you and I appreciate you... but can you shut the hell up already? ;)

3. Based on EVERYTHING in my history of pregnancies and all the complications going on with this one, both my doctor and the specialist I am seeing they both have recommended that while I'm open for my C-Section that I need to have my tubes tied. I know, bomb drop right? Well... kinda. Kevin and I had talked about making this decision on our own, but it was more out of fear than anything and I had still hoped maybe we could have another down the line. We had actually discussed him getting a vasectomy because it's cheaper and safer but there is something about someone else telling you that it's medically necessary that just punches you in the gut... or ovaries. It's so final, and kinda sad. Even though we had been leaning towards this decision it still sucks to be told ya know? Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing daughter and one cool little dude on the way, so I know I am blessed but I can't shake this one little feeling that I always thought we'd have a bigger family. I feel like I have all this love to give to more kids, but as I've said in the past, there are many ways to grow a family now a days. I am very aware that we are extremely blessed, but I don't think a little bit of mourning is uncalled for in this situation... and I know it will pass. Just one of those feelings you have to ride all the way though I guess.

Oh, the last thing that just popped up- despite being able to eat practically nothing I somehow managed to get gestational diabetes again. I kinda have to laugh at the situation this time. Last time I  was devastated and that just seems silly now. I know how to handle this, but there will be a new learning curve as I do it while working. I'll have to do some extra meal planning of course, and bring all my snacks to work. Keeping on the regular eating and testing schedule will be... interesting. Retail is so unpredictable but I have an awesome support system at work so I'm not worried about it. Just one more thing to figure out on this crazy pregnancy ride.

The last thing that is weighing heavily on my heart is since this is my last baby I'm determined to miss nothing. As much as I like working I need to figure out a way we can afford for me to stay home with this little guy. With Averie I literally cried every day when I had to get ready to go to work and I know it's going to hurt more knowing this is my last chance. There is no point sitting here and worrying about it now, but if you can send some prayers/good vibes our direction that something in our life changes so that it's possible for me to stay home with my babies it couldn't hurt. ;)

2 Years, 3 months and 2 Days

If you've been following this blog for a long time, you'll recall a post about how much I hate breast feeding. From the very moment our journey began I was convinced that I sucked at it and wouldn't be able to figure it out. Something kept me going... I wasn't not sure if it was the desire to be right, if it was just my stubborn nature or if I really just wanted this all to work out (I still don't know to be honest) but I refused to give up.

After a few months we finally fell into our breast feeding groove and I grew to love it. I looked forward to those moments, I yearned to hold her in my arms and watch her delicate little face while she nursed. It truly was one of the most wonderful things I've ever experienced as a mom... because it was just ours. I didn't have to share it with anyone else, and I enjoyed the selfishness of it all. I would put a million bucks on the line and bet that breast feeding is the reason Averie and I are so close. She just loves her mama so much, and I'd like to formally thank the breast feeding gods for that one.

When I got pregnant our Dr let me know that I should keep nursing, that it would help keep the GD away but she also warned me that I would need to stop by 20 weeks. I guess at that point, it can start taking nutrition away from Baby Bear and can cause me to have contractions late in pregnancy. I really wanted to follow the baby lead weaning program. I still had to nudge her a little, because honestly I think she would nurse until college if I let her. We cut out her night time feeding a while back, so I focused on her day time feedings. Since I work full time a quick "welcome home" bonding session would be for me to nurse her as soon as I got home. I started with that one and would instead offer her cheese or yogurt (I didn't want her to loose out on any calcium).

After a few weeks we moved on to the mid-morning feeding. We just kept up the same distraction technique and that worked for most of them. That brings us to about 2 weeks ago when all she had left was the 1st feeding when she woke up and her nap time feeding. My favorite was the mornings, because she would come into bed with us, nurse and cuddle until we were ready to get out of bed. I wasn't quite ready to give those up so we focused on nap time. She was at the point where she only took bottles from her grandma Mimi. If I was home I had to nurse her to sleep but if my hubby was home he would end up taking her next door (we live next door to my inlaws) and she would give her a bottle and get her to go down. Then she started refusing milk from me at nap time... totally out of the blue but I took it as a sign that she was ready to move on from that feeding as well.

4 days ago she woke up and immediately wanted to go to the living room and play. She wasn't interested in milk (I actually offered because I was full and was hurting) but she said no. The next 2 days after that I worked very early in the morning so her grandma Mimi was here when she woke up. She didn't ask for milk those days either. So for 3 days she didn't nurse at all. None of us could get her to take milk out of a sippy cup, but I let my mother in law know that she had to refuse a bottle and only offer a sippy cup from that point on. Since Averie led the way and made it clear she didn't want milk from me, I didn't want her to end up using a bottle instead. (It took a little convincing over those 3 days but eventually she took the cup- SUCCESS!) I knew she would figure out that she wasn't going to be offered anything else and would get with our program eventually.

Then, this morning she just about broke my heart... in many different ways. I went and brought her into bed to cuddle with us. It was the 1st morning since she stopped asking and I didn't have to open, and when she laid down she asked for milk. I was really torn, because we made all this progress but I really didn't know how she would handle it when I said no. I told her "I'm sorry baby, but milk's all gone" She looked at me and her little lip started to tremble. Then she hugged me close and patted my chest and said "by milk, I miss you" and gave me a kiss. She whimpered a little, like she was trying not to cry. Then she cuddled up next to my face and was stroking my cheek and said "mommy, i'm sad." I told her "I know baby, but mommy loves you." It killed me, for so many reasons.

1. I felt for her... it was literally her favorite thing to do and I missed her too. I missed the cuddles and the feelings I would get staring down at her, so entranced by her beauty not believing that she was actually mine. I never expected to nurse for so long but I'm ultimately glad I did. I just wish that I had known that the last time she nursed, was actually the LAST TIME. I wish I had taken more time for that moment to burn into my memory.

2. I was PROUD. I knew my little girl was special, I knew that she had shown me many times over the kind of compassionate heart she has. She loves animals and is always concerned with them being happy and having tons of cuddles. Whenever anyone looks sad or confused she goes up to them and says "you ok?" and gives them a hug. She has the biggest heart, but in that moment I was so proud that she was able to tell me how she felt. It was simple, but also powerful.

We just held each other until I was sure she felt better, I wanted to make sure she knew that even if I couldn't nurse her, I was here to hold her whenever she felt sad. I wanted to make sure she knew that even in this transition I was her go-to... the same way nursing comforted her in the past. So... she's officially weaned and I have mixed feelings. I know it's probably my hormones, but there will be one minute where I'm happy to not have her hanging on me 24/7 and another when the thought of me not nursing her again brings me to tears. It's an adjustment for both of us haha!

So... one thing down and two more to go. We have potty training and transitioning into a big girl bed to go, but we're already ahead of schedule so I'm feeling pretty good about it. I just wish I could celebrate weaning with an ice cold beer!

Even When You Aren't Trying, Things Are Happening

I just re-read my last post about resolutions and I'm pretty happy to report that it's May and I have stuck to them really well. I reached a turning point back in December, and I continued to let things happen all around me and many of my prayers were answered. Since December...

I got a new job... well an old job. Long ago the hubby and I worked for the same company and before I left I was promoted to a supervisor. I loved that job (didn't love the boss... she was literally the WORST) and I always resented the reason (her) I left. One day my hubby came home and said that they really needed someone in my old department. I told him to let his boss know that if she was ok with a married coupled working in the same store that I would be interested in just a part time position to get a little extra cash. I walked into that interview hoping for a part time job and left with my old job making more than before. Talk about blessings... another chance with the job I really did enjoy and I get to work with my hubby again? I literally couldn't have prayed for that to go better.

My little Etsy shop has truly flourished. I have over 4000 customers and a steady stream of orders every week. It's a little tricky balancing mom life, a full time job and my shop but I think I've proven that I don't sit still well. Although my life is crazy hectic, I am enjoying it to the fullest.

I didn't lose any more weight. I did maintain, but for some reason my hormones are set on me being this size. No amount of exercising or dieting was doing anything so I decided to embrace it all, and you know what? I've never felt more sexy in my life. There's something about accepting the hand your dealt that really makes you see your life to the full potential.

Kev and I celebrated our big 10-4! 10 years together and 4 years married. Our anniversary falls on St. Patricks Day and we got married the following Saturday. It worked out this year to have an entire anniversary weekend. We went out of town and did the things we used to do when we were falling in love. Art museums, long walks, good food... it was really wonderful.

Ok now, lets talk about baby news. We officially gave up trying back in February. I wasn't kidding when I had the realization that Averie was enough. We wanted to just go back to being romantic and not having a bigger purpose for our sex life. Things were going really well. Then right before our anniversary I check to see if I was ovulating, just in case. Nope! A big fat negative which was actually a big go-ahead for us to fully enjoy our anniversary weekend. (And boy did we! Sorry mom...)

The day before Easter I knew I was supposed to get my period and I had been super tired. My husband kept teasing me because I started craving strange things. But I kept thinking, I wasn't ovulating... he's got to be wrong. So, I took a test to shut him up. Instead, it shut me up. That was about 8 or so weeks ago, and this is what we posted on facebook yesterday.

Can you believe I kept it a secret so long? Me neither! I'm about 10.5 weeks and we decided we had to announce, because my tummy has a mind of its own. Granted, I was a little fluffy to begin with, but its already changing shape and rounding out. There's no mistaking it... even if I do look more like 5 months pregnant I'm working on being ok with it. I just have this irrational fear that I'll look like Kate plus 8 at the end of this. Plus, we are such open books that if something was to go wrong at this point, it's not like we wouldn't be open about it. But... keep those fingers and toes crossed that everything continues to be fine.

So, how has this pregnancy been? SUUUUPER different from Mason and Averie. At this point with both of them I had already been hospitalized twice for dehydration. With Averie I lost over 25lbs. With this baby I've only had 2 bad days. I feel exhausted and nauseous a lot, but those 2 days where I threw up non-stop are still wins in my book compared to my other pregnancies. I've gained about 2lbs and I'm hoping it plateaus for a bit since I was already big to begin with. I have all new pregnancy cravings: iced tea, strawberries, and tons of veggies. Basically protein of any kind makes me feel like running the other direction. A total 180 from Averie- before her I was more vegetarian inclined and then once I got pregnant with her all I wanted was ALL THE MEAT.

We told our family and close friends around 6 weeks. Mainly because it was around my birthday and they would be onto me for not drinking. How did we tell them? I made Averie a "Big Sister" shirt and just walked out to greet them. It was a good minute before anyone read her shirt. They were all in shock (they knew we had given up trying after 2 years) but they were all very happy. It was sweet and simple just the way I've wanted things to go with this pregnancy.

We just hit the mark where I could do the 1st trimester testing, so I went in and did all that blood work. Hopefully they'll have the results by my next appointment and I can start to feel excited. It's very strange to want something so badly for so long... not get it and resolve to giving up... and then be handed the very thing you wished for. You would think I'd be over the moon, but I guess my cautious heart is winning right now. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be pregnant! I guess my heart is just not letting me get attached to this one yet, not until I get all the news I need to feel ok.

So far, I don't have GD. I am still nursing Averie so my Dr wants me to continue until the half way mark. She's pretty confident Averie's nursing is helping keep the GD away, and I've already started eating the diet just to be safe. I'm waiting on that 2nd trimester energy to kick in before I start my pre-natal workouts. I am high risk again, but if the GD stays away then we could be looking at a totally normal pregnancy and delivery. Oh yes, you may be wondering the due date. So are we! They keep changing it from Dec 3rd to the 8th so we have to wait until my 15 week appointment to get a final measurement and due date, but its looking like early December is our window. Funny, since my mother in law forbid December babies... but our anniversary being in March... it was sort of destined to happen haha!

Ok, I think this post is as long as it can be for now, I'll definitely be better at updating this thing now that I actually have something to talk about ;) Leaving your life to play out in God's hands is certainly fulfilling and wonderful, but it didn't give me a whole lot to blog about haha!

Realizations and Resolutions

Well, Santa did not bring me a positive pregnancy test. It was the perfect storm of events that led us to miss our fertility window, plus the fact that this time of year is really hard for me emotionally... all things that led to no baby making during December's small window.

I still have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Right after our window metaphorically closed and it dawned on me what that actually meant, I cried. A lot. I'm probably still crying about it. It's hard to tell if I'm crying from that, or from memories... I'm not really sure. There were a couple reasons it didn't happen and it just seems easier to blame those instead of realize that sometimes that's just how things go, but because we've been trying for over a year it's hard not to feel defeated... even when things are out of my control. Which brings me to resolution #1: To try harder at being ok with the way things are, instead of constantly trying to change them. Being patient is a really big part of that, I need to constantly remind myself that things happen when they're supposed to, and no amount of planning and scheming is going to move them along any quicker.

This is actually a strange time in my life because I'm equally happy and sad. There is a lot of stress in my life right now as I worry about my unemployment coming to an end, running a business, trying to get pregnant and all the other things that come along with running a household. The one bright spot in my life is my little girl, who reminds me every day that things are ok, just because she's here with me. I would like to say my husband is one of them, but like any marriage some days he's the brightest spot and some days he's the source of my stress. I will say that no matter how I feel about him on any given day, he is always present, working hard for us and for our family.

This has been another hard year for us, but I want to make the distinction here that our year hasn't been hard BECAUSE of us, it's just been hard ON us. It really seems like we haven't had a break since before Mason. We just keep getting thrown all these curve balls, but we always survive them. That's something worth noting in any relationship I think, knowing that you can face anything and still come out together... maybe not on top lol... but together. Together is always the important part. My husband really is such a good man and deserves the world. That brings me to resolution #2: Find ways to honor and show appreciation for the man that deals with every mood swing, every overdraft fee, every late night I want a snack, every time we're all snuggled in bed and I make him go check on random noises in the house. He does it all for us every day, and I know I don't thank him enough.

Lately, wanting another baby sometimes consumes me completely, and maybe that's just because of this time of year or I am finally getting to my breaking point after trying for so long... but it has been driving me crazy the last few months when I have gotten my period. It's an unnecessarily overly emotional time and when it's over I'm annoyed at myself for being so sad about it. It's dumb, people try to get pregnant and don't for months. I am not the only one. Clearly I'm not as in control of my emotions as I have been in the past (which is it's own annoyance), but what is helping is having someone else going through a very similar situation. It sucks that we're both going through this but the funny thing is we are on the same cycle so we are literally going through each stage- and the awful waiting part- together.

Then, a few days ago I had a realization hit me in the face. I'm not in some kind of denial that my kid is perfect, but I am constantly in awe of her. At almost 2, she shows me every day what a huge heart she has. She loves animals, she loves her mommy- to the point of being rude to daddy haha, she has a killer sense of humor and loves to be silly. This girl lives for a laugh. She's the best little girl and makes me feel whole. I realize I may be singing a different tune when we get to the Terrible Two's and Three's but I'm just going to soak up ever moment of her while I can.

Anyway, right before Christmas I was sitting on the couch watching her play and she was once again being adorable (seriously, this girl always is) and I started to pray. I asked God to put my life in his hands, to take all the things I want and all the things I dream for and asked Him to let them happen. I agreed then and there to let them happen on His terms, in His time and I would wait and look for the signs. The only thing I wanted was help in letting this happen, to let go and not be so obsessed with WHEN WHEN WHEN. When will we have money again, when will we have another baby, when will all the hard work pay off? When will Christmas be a happy time for me again? When will I finally get off my ass and lose this weight? Then something happened. I got this overwhelming feeling and a thought kept repeating itself in my head "Averie is enough. Averie is enough. Averie is enough."

I've been letting that thought bounce around for a few days, while sitting back and observing my life. What I've seen is if I just sit back and let things happen, they will. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, and it was so wonderful to experience it though Averie's eyes. By stepping back it also allowed other aspects of my life to come together. Someone I previously had conflict with made steps to show me they were willing to go out of their way to resolve it. Somehow, it worked out so we could pay every bill this month. I lost a pound. And of course Averie, she makes me feel loved on a regular basis, but ever since I realized she was enough it's like it's opened my heart to a whole new level of loving her. It's hard to explain, let's just say that my heart needed glasses, and me being sad and worrying about having another baby was the evil insurance company keeping me from fulfilling my prescription.

This brings me to resolution #3: If I never have another baby, it'll be ok, and I'll be ok. I have a son waiting for me in Heaven and I have an angel of a daughter here on Earth who deserves all of me, not most of me. She deserves everything, and while I know I can't give her everything all the time, I can try to. I can vow now to always try my best and be the mom she deserves.

In 2014 I really tried to focus on myself and my journey to self improvement. I don't think everything is magically going to change or get better just because it's a new year. One thing time has taught me is that it actually goes in circles. There are days where I feel amazing and I know what I want and how to get it, and there are days that I feel like I fail at everything. There are times when I almost forget the awful decision I had to make 3 years ago, and then there are times when all I do is picture myself in that doctors office and I literally can't breathe. I think it's impossible to ever really get over something like that, of any kind of loss really, but it does pass... maybe the key is knowing that it will be back so enjoy the good times while you can. There ya go... I think I just found resolution #4.

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

So... it's been a while. A LONG WHILE. For that, I apologize. I checked out my stats from while I was "dark" and it was a pleasant surprise to see that many of my readers didn't give up on  me. My page views only went down a little, and for that I would like to say thank you for sticking with me this long... even when I didn't have anything to say.

I suppose an update is in order right? Since getting laid off in July I've been focusing solely on my business and my family. I am very happy to report that all are going very very well. My business took off after I launched it! I am so proud of my little bow baby. I am happy to go to "work" every day, with coffee in hand and usually in my PJ's haha! It's really wonderful to see something that I never thought could be possible come to fruition and on top of that, find that I can actually be successful at it. We've been open since July 1st and we have already turned a profit! That's an accomplishment I'm pretty proud of, since most businesses don't do that until after their 1st year.

When I got laid off I was a little lost... I wasn't sure what to do with my time. It was my dream to be home with my daughter but after a few weeks even she was ready for a change of scenery. I developed a schedule for myself that worked out really well. After feeding her in the morning I would make all of us breakfast, then clean a room in the house (I made myself a schedule and everything), then I would work out and then I would work on orders. I really love structure so I didn't feel happy and settled into my new life until I had a schedule worked out for myself. Even if no one else knows that I'm following it, I like having a set plan for each day.

After those 1st few weeks my mother in law talked to me about watching my daughter. Basically she made it clear that she still wanted to watch her sometimes, even if I was now a stay at home mom. It ended up working out that she would take her for a few hours M-F after her nap so I could do things around the house that are difficult to do with a toddler clinging to my leg 24/7. Then my business really started taking off and I needed more time to work on orders. She now has her for a set schedule M-F so I can focus on all the orders I have coming in each week. It's amazing. I also don't feel like I'm missing anything because when I miss her, I can just walk next door and give her a hug and a kiss... I literally have the best of both worlds and I am so thankful.

I took the last few months to really focus on my marriage. When I got laid off and all the financial aspects of our new situation hit us, it was not an easy time for us. But we made a plan and we are slowly working our way out of our financial black hole. A successful business, a happy couple and a new promotion for the hubby is the recipe to success we needed. He's quietly working on other endeavors and dreams for himself but it's not the right time to share those yet... all I can say is I am so proud to see him going after the things he wants in life and being so excited about them.

I know many of you come here to read about our baby journey. I have an update for you! I have to back track a little though...
About 8 or 9 months ago we learned that our High School 10 year reunion was coming up in November. It lit a fire under me to Get Fit or Get Pregnant. I've been working on the Get Fit part, and am happy to report that I've lost 10lbs in only a few months (it took me a while to get a program that worked for me) but we weren't getting pregnant.

I am still nursing, but SO MANY people get pregnant while they're nursing that I didn't think it was hindering me in any way. Then I spoke with my Dr and after some testing we found out that I am part of a small percentage of women who's hormones work in overdrive while they are nursing. This is why I was still gaining weight and why I still hadn't had my period return (including pregnancy it's been over 2 years). Consequently, I also wasn't actually ovulating. I had been tracking it at home and even though my home test was telling me I was ovulating we still weren't pregnant. The only solution my Dr had was to stop nursing so my body could get back into it's natural cycle. Well... that wasn't going to fly with me.

Then I spent 3 days agonizing over what we should do. On one hand I had been through so much in my breast feeding journey and I wasn't ready to end it. Heck, Averie showed no signs of being ok with it! On the other hand we knew that we didn't want a huge age gap between our kids and Averie is now 20 months. I had finally decided to limit her nursing to once a day right when she wakes up. We were going to start on Monday. I wasn't super happy but at the same time I was excited.

That Sunday morning I woke up to find I had gotten my period.

So a new plan was born: I would start tracking my ovulation again and we would get back on the baby making train. For now we are tracking and trying... with Averie my ovulation tests were negative when we conceived her, so I don't put too much faith in the accuracy of those! We are having fun trying and I pray to God every night that Santa will give me a positive pregnancy test for Christmas. Hopefully we'll have exciting news in the near future but for now I'm enjoying my simply sweet life.

I'm happy. I'm blessed. I'm grateful.

#30DaysOfBrave

On June 29th I accepted a Facebook invitation to join a group called 30 Days of Brave. Basically, you pick 5 goals that you'd like to accomplish, or 5 things you'd like to make sure to do every day and you spend the next 30 days getting yourself out of your comfort zone and forcing yourself to live a brave life. What that means is different from person to person, but when I saw it, I knew I had to join.

On June 30th I went to work like normal, got my coffee, sat down and was asked to come into my boss' office. He let me know that the company was laying me off. He was personally upset about the decision, he had taken me under his wing to help me grow with the company. The company decided to move my position down south, it was as simple as that. I can't say I was surprised... the person I was hired to assist was let go when I was only there for 2 weeks. I had been working without a direct report for over 6 months. When they finally hired someone and told me he was located in LA I was aware that this was a possibility. There was nothing I did to help them make that decision, there was no problem in my work ethic... so why was I left feeling completely inadequate?

This was the day before my business launch, was this God telling me I needed to focus on that instead? Was this a sign I've been asking for to go back to school? I was sure it meant something, I just wasn't sure what.

It's taken me over a week to figure out how I feel about it, and even now I am still not 100% sure how it all makes me feel. At first I was mad that I got dressed and put on make up just to be sent home (a phone call would have worked too!) then I was happy I wouldn't have to sit across from my super racist/homophobic co-worker anymore and that I could spend my days at home with Averie. Then I got scared- how are we going to survive on Kevin's income and my extremely tiny unemployment?

That Tuesday Kevin and I sat down to figure out what my next steps would be, and he told me how he knew I wanted to stay home with Averie. With his blessing, that's what I'm going to be doing until my unemployment runs out or until he gets a new job. Whichever comes first (we're hoping the job thing works out- he went on a few interviews with a company he is really excited about, so keep those fingers and toes crossed for us.) He told me as long as I was bringing in something financially, like my unemployment we would be fine. We made the decision to sell my car and be a one car family. Luckily, I didn't have to look far- we are selling it family! I really love my car, so I'm happy I'll get to see it haha!

On Wednesday we got a pretty big reality check when it came to finances. Picture a wad of money bitch slapping me in the face and then pointing and laughing. To say the situation made me feel less than a person would be an understatement. I didn't realize just how bad it was until Wednesday and have been freaking out ever since. Especially since I haven't received anything from the UI office yet. When you have $2 in your account and the other ones are overdrawn there is nothing else you can do but cry. And sell stuff. That's the plan for now anyway- we are selling my car Friday so we will be able to cross that off our payment list. I have a bunch of stuff on craigslist- things we've been meaning to sell anyway and just haven't gotten around to it and I pray everyday that my bow business takes off. It's been a little slow since launching, but I haven't been promoting it as much since getting laid off. Which is kinda funny, since now I have the time.

I know all that sounds super overwhelming, and it is- not gonna lie. BUT ever since I embraced this 30 Days of Brave concept, I can also see the light at the end of the tunnel. We have had a hard year so far, but when you're all the way at the bottom the only direction things can go is up. Being a stay at home mom is not easier than working, but it's definitely more rewarding. Even though Averie chose this week to have the most epic teething battle to date, I can't describe how happy it makes me to be right there and be able to comfort her.

My husband is not perfect, (neither am i!) but he is so encouraging. He really wants me to use this time to go back to school. I'm hoping that by the time another lactation program pops up, I'll be able to afford to go. Maybe that's the cosmic reason for me getting laid off- so I would be able to do what I've always wanted to- teach. It won't feel like working if I love it right? That's how I feel about the bows- I could do it all day and not even realize hours have gone by and I need to remember to eat. He is encouraging me through my 30 Days of Brave. He even went running with me the other day to keep me motivated. Even though the Facebook event started on July 6th, my days of trying to be brave started on the 30th. Here are my 5 goals for these 30 days:

The best part about these goals (which we're re-written after Wednesday) is they are all FREE! I have zero excuses on why I can't complete these. The hardest one has actually been the sweets.... I didn't realize how addicted I was until I told myself no. It was harder to do the grocery shopping than I anticipated, but in the end my whole family benefits from that one, so whats not to love about it?

My favorite one is #5- We've been in this house for almost a year and we still have a ton of boxes that I haven't unpacked. I'm excited to start taking out all our family photos, my paintings, our knick knacks and to let this house finally feel like "ours".

I've never been one to sugar coat things, and I know the future is uncertain- which is REALLY hard for me, but I am also a little excited to see what happens. Being brave is hard, but it's the good kind of hard. I'll have to update you when this is over to let you know how I did.

Give and Take

Well... things have changed once again since writing this post about making changes. About two weeks ago I received notice that my CAPPA program was being canceled due to lack of interest. I was being issued a refund, and another date would not be set until they can generate enough interest for my area. I called the leader to find out if there was another program I could join but she informed me that they've been having trouble keeping the class sizes up, and was honestly not sure if there would be one at all this year.

Cue the sad music and the broken hearted emoji.

About a week later I received yet another large medical bill in the mail and the cold hard truth hit me: I simply cannot hold onto this money for a "hopefully it'll happen" dream when we have some serious debt to take care of. So, against my husbands instructions to stash the money in a shoe box until I can make things happen, we put it towards our always enlarging pile of bills. I am all too familiar with this type of sacrifice, which is probably why it didn't phase me.

Honestly, I was sad when I first found out the program wasn't happening but it's hard to stay sad when I see the pay off from using that money to help us get out of debt. It's not a life changing amount of money, or really even enough to pay off any one bill, but it will help. I am used to this situation, and I guess that's what it means to be a grown up- when you can put yourself last or your needs last for the greater good.

There is a "give" for me in the middle of this "take"... it gives me more time to focus on my bow business. I didn't anticipate to be so busy with orders before my shop is even completely open, so I consider this a blessing in disguise. Maybe its God's plan for this business to take off and I would have spent that money for nothing (you had to complete the program in a certain amount of time). Maybe His plan is for us to become pregnant soon and I wouldn't want to devote any time to studying.. who knows.

All I know is, despite this significant disappointment I am happily surprised at the quick success of my small business. Plus, it meant a lot to me that my husband was still willing to support my dreams, even in the midst of our semi-financial ruin. It says a lot about the type of man he is, willing to take on our hardships all on his own so I could focus on myself and the things I want. Right now though, my focus has shifted and what I want is to be able to give my daughter a life where she doesn't worry about money. The only way to do that is to make sacrifices now so this debt doesn't follow us into the years that she'll actually remember.

Strangely, I find it an exciting challenge to figure out ways to make traditions out of us being dirt poor. Like... what kind of memories can I create for her while spending $0.00 and all she knows is that it's something fun we do together as a family. I don't want her to have to think about these things until she is much older, and I want to be able to fund her passions... even if that means ignoring mine.

Office Update 2.0

As you may recall from this post we have been working on my office slowly but surely. When I think about how I used to get our entire house unpacked in a day (we moved a LOT) it's sort of depressing that we've been in this house for 9 months and we're only halfway done with every project haha! BUT, we do make progress one way or another every day... which is a huge deal in itself with a toddler!

The last time I updated about the office it was looking like this:

 

It's still not done, but let me share the progress I have made! Remember all those Mason jars from Averie's party that I had leftover? AND the 3 dozen I mistakenly bought in the wrong brand? Well, I was against giving them away just because it was such a big investment, so I've been finding other ways to use them:

 

Those are all the shabby flowers for my bow business. I originally had them in plastic baggies, but this is so much easier to see my entire inventory in one glance. The floating shelves were made by my super handy hubby from some scrap wood. These are above my "mailing station" for my business.

 

Ignore the empty gray frame on the wall. I'm not sure what I'm going to put in there yet, but I know that's the placement for it. That black filing cabinet used to be the only piece of office equipment I had. Now it's multi-functional. We use it to hold our appliance manuals, random receipts, and the tracking numbers for my shipped orders. (You can some ready to go in the boxes on the top)

 

Here's a close-up (for those of you that are nosey like me) It's pretty unexciting to the untrained eye, but to me, office supplies are crazy exciting! I didn't take a photo of inside the file cabinet, because well, that part was unexciting haha! (See that Mason jar rocking my stamps? Love those things!)

 

We painted the shelves "Polar Bear" by Behr to match the desk my husband made me. Speaking of the desk, here is another way I used those left over jars:

 

I love labeling things... and these jars that were originally adult party favors were perfect for all my crafting supplies. This picture makes my type-A heart happy! You can even sort of see Averie excited to get all up in there and mess it up on the right. Cleaning is Mommy's favorite, making messes is Averie's. Speaking of labels...

 

 



People with OCD can have a sense of humor too! Those flowers sit on top of my new (to me) file cabinets. I found these bad boys on my local online yard sale site for $10 total! They were 2 different sizes and widths but in otherwise great condition. When I got the idea to look for file cabinets, I was going to hide them away in the closet. Then, I decided this would be a great opportunity to bring in more of my accent color and had my husband bring home some spray paint. In 20 minutes they went from this:

 

 

 To this! If that doesn't make your heart flutter, I don't know what will! To me, the differences aren't that noticeable after being coated in the same color.

 

Plus, the difference in shapes ended up looking like a cute little corner unit:

As for what I used them for:

Fabric!!! Instead of having piles of it everywhere I thought it would be easier to file it (thank you Pinterest!) The top is all my solid colors and the bottom is all my patterned fabric. It's so beautiful I could cry... more heart flutters over here!

In the smaller cabinet, it wouldn't hold file folders so I decided to use it as storage for my finished bow collection storage (on the bottom) and my huge supply of tulle (on the top). Eventually I'm going to expand my bow shop to include tutus, so I've got a stock pile I inherited from my crafty mom ;)

There is still the matter of curtains- the ones I made didn't look good with everything else I had going on so it's back to the drawing board on those. I am still working on artwork as well. Painting some new things, and going through all the boxes of decor that have yet to see the light of day in this new house. The whole-room "after" shot is going to have to wait just a little longer, but I already love working in there!

Pssst- For those of you who have asked for the link to my bow shop on Etsy, here ya go!
itsy bitsy bowtique

Hitting Pause

Mason’s day came and went without any major melt downs or revelations. It was a really nice day, when we woke up my husband let me have some time to myself to write in Mason’s journal then he made us a nice breakfast. We couldn’t go to the coast like we normally do, but our local town has a zoo and a water play park for kids, and we figured between the two we would find a peaceful place to sit and remember Mason. On our way to the zoo, Averie fell asleep so we decided to hang out in the huge park in front of the zoo and have a picnic. It was such a sweet and peaceful lunch just the two of us while Averie slept. When she woke up we decided to go and check out the Japanese garden that was also over there and we stumbled upon the most beautiful little pond. It was so quiet and serene, we knew right away that we had found our new spot to be close to Mason. It has a beautiful red bridge, koi, and lots of lush greenery. There are also a lot of little peek-a-boo spots if I really wanted to sit and blend in with the scenery.

 

After we spent some time in the garden we made our way to the zoo. It’s a tiny zoo (it takes less than an hour to go through everything) but it was the first time we had been there that Averie actually noticed the animals. She LOVES animals but never really focused on the animals at the zoo in the past (the other kids got all her attention) so it was like going for the first time watching her discover each animal, watching her wave at them and ohh and ahh. It was so sweet! Afterwards we went to the water play area and let her run around in the fountains that shot water out of the floor. Again, she was kinda too little to really get it, but she loved running after all of the other kids. It was a nice surprise to walk up and see our cousins there too, so even though we had thought we wanted a day just to ourselves, it was really nice to sit and hang out with them and enjoy the sunshine. Averie just loves them, and they are so sweet with her (and we really love that particular cousin!) so it ended up being a really great day.

After we were all tired from the water and the sun, we went and got ice cream. Another 1^st for Averie (we usually wait until she’s asleep to indulge) but she loved it. She wasn’t really into the cold ice cream though, she loved the mini m&m’s! We don’t give her a lot of sweets (yes, I’m THAT mom) so it was a nice little treat to share on a hot day. We had dinner at home, just the three of us and we cuddled while watching movies. It was such a great day as a family without any distractions like our phones or the Internet. It’s always nice to unplug and really enjoy your time together… something I wish we did more of.

We were talking and (doing a little math) and realized that we needed to hit pause on the baby making train. It’s important to us to leave certain months as “reserved” – for lack of a better word – like March, December and June. March is all of our anniversaries and Averie’s birthday and cramming another birthday into an already packed month would be a little crazy. (2 of my siblings have birthdays in March too) So, that means no getting pregnant at the end of June or the beginning of July. June is, of course, Mason’s month which means no getting pregnant in September. To avoid December we can’t get pregnant in March (which is sort of hard since those are our anniversaries haha!). We both have parents with birthdays in December and they have always forbade us to have a December baby- they always had to share their birthday with Christmas and don’t want that for our kids.

A lot of people give us a hard time for trying to plan it out, but I don’t see what’s wrong with a little planning (have you met me?!) when it means we can really celebrate both financially and emotionally. Those months are crazy busy for us as it is, and I don’t want our kid’s birthday being just another thing we have to get done. We aren’t in any hurry, it’s in God’s hands when we get pregnant again. (Even if He thinks it should be in the off limits months, we would make it work of course.) So all that means is we wait and try again in August- and then have to stop again in September haha!- and try again October through February. If it ends up that we don’t end up pregnant until after Averie’s 2^nd birthday, then that’s what God has planned for us. It may sound stressful to some of you non-planners but having a solid plan actually makes me feel less stressed haha! Although, by August I probably won’t be nursing much if Averie keeps cutting out feedings, so it may be a non-issue and we get pregnant right away. Who knows? All I know is I feel good about it (even with a few pauses in the middle) and it’s pretty fun to practice haha!

June 11th, 2014

I have a confession to make, I have been actively avoiding my blog. There are times where my blog is great for me to figure out how I feel, unless there are times (like right now) that I don’t want to know how I’m really feeling. Or, I feel fine and I am scared that blogging will bring out some sort of hidden emotion I didn’t know was there.

Tomorrow would have been Mason’s 2^nd Birthday.

I have a weird calmness to me, something I am not used to feeling leading up to and surrounding this date. I also feel some sadness, wondering what our lives would be like right now with a 2 year old and a 1 year old but mostly I feel… nothing. That sounds colder than I mean it to, but I am not overcome with any sort of emotion, good or bad. Does that mean I’m healing or does that mean I am a heartless bitch who has already forgotten the pain? My daughter definitely fills many holes in my heart and I think as she grows up those holes will get smaller.

The best way I can explain my eerie disconnected emotions is that sometimes it feels like I’ve lived two separate lives… one with horrible pain and sadness and one with complete joy and happiness. Sure, I still get sad sometimes and it’s hard to believe that I’ve actually had this experience at all. It almost feels like someone else’s life. Like I’ve been watching a reality show of my life, while hanging out in the present with my daughter. It’s all very strange, and the fact that I’m not a mess is very foreign to me! I’ve lived so much of the last few years as a hot mess, trying to pretend like I’ve had it together. Maybe now, I am just more comfortable in my not-put-together-ness. I’m not really sure of the reasoning behind it, but I can tell you I am grateful for it. I know I felt similar on this day last year.

I know that sounds weird too, to be grateful to not be feeling anything… I guess I’m grateful to not be missing any moments of my daughter’s life because I was too busy being sad. One day I will tell her about her brother, and that it was the hardest thing her parents had to go through, but I also want to explain to her that through that experience I learned so much about myself, and so much about her daddy. I want her to know through this pain, we came out stronger. I would love to tell her why it is that we go to the beach on June 11^th every year, why we always wear blue on that day. I would also love to tell her that this experience made me into the mom I am for her now. But for now, it’s kind of like it gets to stay our little secret. My covert mission to becoming a better mom if you will. She’s too young to understand now anyway, and one day we will tell her all about Mason… although on some level I suspect she knows she has a guardian angel, because she’ll do something or say something that makes me think he’s watching over her.

As far as our plans for tomorrow go, we can’t go to the beach like we have done in the past. It’s too far from where we live now, but we will be near water. For some reason when it comes to Mason, I think of being close to the water and it makes me feel close to him. So we will have a family day, all in blue, near the water. I already let me husband know to give me some space tomorrow so I can write to him in his journal that I started before I even knew I was pregnant. I’ll tell him all about our year, his sister, our life. I know that he knows I miss him every day, that he is always on my mind… I know that he can feel the love I radiate towards him every day. I really do think my sense of calm and relief came from the comfort I found in Heaven Is For Real. I think about it every day, and it makes my heart so full, I don’t think I have the words to really describe the comfort that book gave me, knowing I’ll get to meet him one day. I still can’t say his name out loud and have a hard time hearing someone else say it but I’ll get there.

All of this gave me the freedom and courage to put those feelings aside so I can really be present for my daughter, which is a gift in itself. I feel like many moms who have lost a child feel guilty of those fleeting moments where you sort of forget what’s happened. Like you always have to be sad or people think you didn’t love your child enough. There are times when I am in the moment with my daughter or my husband or friends and I forget that this horrible thing happened to me… and you know what? That’s ok. He wouldn’t want me to never be able to enjoy my life. I think the concept of being ok with “forgetting” once in a while is really hard for moms like me, especially because it’s not one of those things that people want to admit they do, or something anyone wants to admit to. It’s life though, you can’t always be in your grief (just like you can’t always be happy) and once I realized it was ok to not think about it all the time it was so liberating! It was also freeing to see that just because I wasn’t “in it” for a while, didn’t take anything away from my experience or my love for him.

Tomorrow my son would have been 2, and sometimes I don’t know how to feel about it. Today though, I feel good and tomorrow? Who knows. I do know we will remember and celebrate him the way we do it best: as a family.

Learning to Listen

I just finished the book Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo and I think it may have changed my life. Even if you aren't religious, I highly suggest you read it. It is about a father who watched his son almost die, but then miraculously recovers and returns with amazing tales of his trip to Heaven. I have to say, I think God really wanted me to read this book. On the very same day, 3 separate people told me I needed to read it, and then 2 more on a different day. No one was talking about books or movies in any of those situations. It was super organic, which told me it was a sign that I did in fact need to read this book. So, my mom sent it to me and if I had my way I wouldn't have put it down.

Unfortunately, reading an entire book in 24 hours is a thing of the past with a blooming business, a one year old and a cuddly hungry hubby. Most of my reading happens when I'm pumping (15 minutes here and there) but I got a great opportunity to read this weekend on our way to and from a family reunion. To put it simply: I was a crying FOOL in that car! My husband was so cute, rubbing my knee while he drove and I wept. He kept saying "we're going to a party! Get it together!" Haha!

I don't want to give too much of the book's magic away, but there is a part where the boy, Colton, tells his mother that he met the baby she miscarried in heaven. He had no idea his mom had had a miscarriage (there are many other things in the book that are true, that he had no way of knowing unless his journey to heaven was real.) There were 2 sentences that had me crying an equal combination of happy and sad tears:

Colton tells his mom of his sister, "She said she just can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven" and after that conversation there is a moment where the mother is overcome with emotion and she says to her husband "She's ok, our baby is ok". I just lost it there... that's something I have wondered and prayed about since the day of my surgery. The Bible doesn't say much about the children in situations like ours. In my heart I always hoped that Mason was in heaven, but God basically forcing this book on me, was to let me know he's ok. He is with him in heaven and one day we will all be united again. It may sound silly to some, but this book is exactly what I needed to give my heart the peace it's been searching for.

I've been feeling the burn in my heart more than normal to put my life in God's hands, to let Him take the lead. For the last 8 months or so, I've been trying to control everything myself and trying to fool myself into thinking I'm actually in control here. It wasn't until I read the words in my friend's blog Whispering Brave that I was actually able to pinpoint my problem: I am in my own way. I am in my own way of listening to God and the things he has put into my heart. I've been so angry for so long that I didn't even realize that he's been answering my prayers, despite my anger towards him, all along.

Every day I pray for strength. Strength in being a better wife, a better mother, a better friend and a better daughter. Every day I pray that I wake up and am a better person than I was a day before. Every day I do this, and I am too busy to listen. I didn't even realize that he was trying to help me. Pretty recently, I have had a few difficult people put in my path. One is normal for most (I would think) but to have 3 at the same time- God is trying to teach me by testing me and I just wasn't paying attention.

I pray all the time asking God to show me how to teach my daughter to be a kind person, to be a compassionate person. What better way than to put people in my life that force me to live that way, thus showing her by being the example. He has been testing me, seeing if I really wanted the things I have been praying for. Once I figured out to listen to my heart (and Him), dealing with these people has been so easy. When you can remove your emotions from the situation and see that some people are just miserable, that it really has nothing to do with you, it is easy to distance yourself from them, and keep their negativity out of your life. It also removes the power any of their words might have on you, and it feels really good!

The same goes for the positive side, he also sent me people in my life that have shown me what true friendship is. He has shown me how to embrace them. By choosing to surround myself with people that are good and kind it will inevitably teach my daughter to do the same. Being exposed to the kindness of these people helps teach me what kind of friend I want to be. It's amazing to see the kind of friendships that I have had the pleasure of building once I made the choice to surround myself with positive, kind people. I used to think it was because I was young and immature that I didn't have these kinds of friendships when I was younger, but now a part of me thinks it corresponds to a time when I didn't have God in my life the way I have in the last 10 years. (This is not to say that I am only friends with people that have the same relationship with God as I do, I am just saying there is a distinguishable difference from one time period to another. The difference is largely in who I have become in the last 10 years.)

My journey to being a better daughter has certainly improved once I became a mother myself. My relationship with my own mother hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows, but I can say now, without wavering that it is the best it has ever been. I can see things that I couldn't see before becoming a mom, and my daughter was a gift directly from God, which means my better relationship with my own mom was too.

I think the task of becoming a better wife is a life long one. I am lucky because I have an amazing husband. However, I think every woman has moments when she doesn't feel like the best wife but if I took a minute to pay attention, I would have seen that we have never been closer- we are trying to have another baby- what is more intimate than that? Creating a life from love?! Amazing. More prayers being answered that I wouldn't have realized if I hadn't gotten out of my own way. Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. (For anyone on bump watch- I am not currently pregnant.) I know this is God letting me know that he is listening to my prayers, and if I keep putting my heart in His hands I will always be a "work in progress" but on the right path.

Office Update!

It's finally happening! After 7 months of living in our new house I am FINALLY getting around to decorating it and "pimping" it out. I know, I'm probably too old to use that term but that's all I got! Haha!

Once again, I took to Pinterest for inspiration. I've never had a home office, so I didn't know what I wanted. I did know 2 things- 1. We're broke so it needed to be cheap and 2. It needed to be a place that I can escape to and be my creative outlet. We are still working on the room as a whole, but I wanted to share some of the progress that was made.

First things first, PAINT! This was another thing I debated a lot about... Here is the room before we bought it, during our 1st walk through:

This is the only room in the whole house that has this cork-board flooring. It isn't what I would pick for myself, but I decided to keep it since I knew I wanted to use this room as my office and I paint a lot. This flooring is perfect for wiping up paint, so for now it's staying.

When we first moved in I had planned to do a chevron pattern on that main wall, but I didn't realize how thick the texturing was on it, so that plan go squashed. Unfortunately, I had painted the other 3 walls a lilac before I realized that, so this room lived like this for a while:

 

It gets a TON of natural light since we haven't put up curtains yet so I decided to go a bit bold with the color scheme...

Pink Salmon by Glidden in Satin Finish

 

Blue Grey Slate by Glidden in Satin Finish

 

 

I wanted something girly but something that could also transition if someone ever needed to use it for a bedroom down the line. I am obsessed with grey and although it looks dark in this picture, it's not such a shock in person. (Probably all that glorious natural light) My true inspiration actually came from Averie's party decorations. I had picked this watermelon-esq color for the long wall and painted it about a month ago. I was storing all my craft supplies in there and when I saw these boxes from Averie's party next to the wall it inspired me to go for grey.

I do have a couple tips for painting multi-colored textured walls. I've have been doing it my whole life since my love of multi-colored walls is not a new thing. (When i was a teenager my room was 4 different shades of purple). The fist thing for a textured wall- skip the painters tape. Seriously. It's not going to stick in a straight line anyway, so you might as well hold off on that cup of coffee and just eyeball it. Since textured walls don't have a smooth line from ceiling to wall, it'll look cleaner if you just drag and angled brush across it.

 

 

My other tip for doing the corners is to over paint the lighter color where they'll meet. This way, when you go to paint the darker color you won't risk having the previous color poking through where you might have missed a spot. There is literally nothing worse while painting then thinking you're done, seeing a bunch of missed spots, going to fix it, and then splotching the wrong color on the wrong wall. I used a 1" angled brush that I use when painting with acrylic to do the corner with the darker color. It doesn't take up that much time, it's faster than taping it off and using a larger brush. Promise.

 

The coolest thing that I didn't anticipate is how these 2 colors would make the existing cork floor pop. Here's a little before and after action so you can see what a difference it made:

Let's hear it for happy accidents! Haha! Here's the whole room, along with my amazing carpet that I scored at Target during their Spring sale!

I also love that my lamp that I've had for years works with both of these colors... not that I need any more light in this room haha!

The room was only left like this for about a week before I decided to put my husband to work in the name of a mother's day present: a huge custom made craft desk! This room is super awkward to shoot because it's sort of L shaped and it's really long. I wanted a nice big table to be able to lay out fabrics and paints ect. After showing him some pictures on Pinterest, he drew up this bad boy:

 

My table was going to be 56" wide and 48" long. That would still leave about 36" from the end of the table to the side of the closet. Not sure if that stick figure is supposed to be me, or him building it, but I can assure you when I sit at my desk, I don't make that face haha! The table is made from a couple sheets of the nicer- more fine- plywood and a Walmart shelf. In total, the supplies cost about $80 which is a far cry from the $1200 price I got from a carpenter. As far as how my husband crafted it, I have no idea! I was inside enjoying my mothers day ;) Here he is making sure my sewing machine fit into the nook:

 

We decided I didn't need the smaller cubbies in lew of my sewing machine having a nice, snug home. Here is the finished product (pre-white paint). Is it ok to be in love with inanimate objects? He even cut out 2 round holes on the top so I could stick my cords through instead of having them hang off the sides. One on each side, ya know... in case I want to have a buddy come sew with me! Since this photo I've painted it white and put a clear coat  sealer on the top. It looks the same so I didn't take a photo (since there are hardly any in this post haha!)

One more quick project I'd like to share is a custom photo holder I made for my office. I decided I wanted to use a robins egg blue as an accent color. (Besides all the white I plan to use to balance out the dark grey). It's pretty simple so I'll let the pictures do most of the talking:

 

 

 Taaa daaa!!!!

For the supplies, I found this frame (already painted- how lucky was that!) at an antique store for $15 and I already had the twine. For the little clothes pins- those are scrapbook accents from Target for $2 and the Washi tape was $3.99 (but I can use it for a lot of different things).

I'll keep updating as we finish projects in here, and we are due for a kitchen remodel update too! For now, I'll leave you with this closeup of the washi tape covered clothes pin and my favorite picture of Averie to date. Happy crafting!