I've been thinking and praying a lot about what God's plan was for me when
Mason was diagnosed, and I've come to the conclusion that it wasn't to help
others... it was to help me. To help me be a better mom, wife, friend, daughter
and sister.
I was pretty selfish a few years ago (it seems like a lifetime away now) and
I didn't have much regard for other people. I was one of those people that
always had to have the last word, and I definitely thought my words were more
important than others. I cared too much about what everyone thought, and I was
obsessed with everyone knowing I was pregnant. I always wanted to be right (or
sometimes just the loudest). I most definitely put too much value into how many
'likes' our pregnancy announcement got. Sometimes it feels like I'll always be
the Cheyenne from 3 years ago in everyone's eyes... that I'll never be able to
show people how much I've changed, but I have faith that if I let my actions
speak for themselves that older version of me will vanish from their memory.
Maybe it’s my experience in my journey to mommy hood, or maybe it's just
wisdom that comes with age, but I don't feel compelled to fight for things the
way I used to. Well... I'll always fight for my kids, but I'm able to put
perspective on things that I may not have been able to before. The old me
didn't shy away from confrontation. Now I can see clearly the things that
deserve my attention and the things (and sometimes people) that don’t. Since becoming
a mom I've run into a few people who feel like "you're just a mom" or
calling me "mom" is some kind of insult. To those people, I can't be
compassionate because they have no idea what I've gone through to get that
title. They have no idea that being "just a mom" is literally the
best thing I have ever done in my life. At the same time, I'm not going to make
it my life's battles to educate them. For the 1st time in my life, I'm able to
let things, and people go. One day they will get it, but until then, they don't
deserve my time or attention.
Ever since our son changed my life I've been able to feel more.
More compassionate, more strength, more weakness, I believe in myself more than
I ever have and it's made me want to do things for others (in the past I would
do them and then hope for recognition), it's made me wake up each day and want
to get more out of it (I used to live for the attention of others, and now I
enjoy time alone in ways I never did before), it makes me want to be the kind
of person I've always admired- and I am always on a journey of self reflection
and self improvement to one day accomplish this (but really... this journey
doesn't actually end). I know it has 100% made me a better mom. Now, I'm
finding that the best moments are not those caught on film or that get
attention online, they're the quiet moments alone with my little girl when she
hugs, kisses and signs "I love you". Excuse me while I go cry in the
corner for a minute...
I was talking to a very dear friend yesterday and I was telling him these
things and he said "it's funny how life has a way of humbling us
sometimes"... it's funny how he was able to sum up all my thoughts the
last few years into one perfect sentence. I love that for every 1 person that
doesn't get it, there are 5 that do. I love that for every day that I discover
something I may not like about myself and want to work on, I find something
that I do like and want to embrace.
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