Pardon the long pause between posts, the Internet at our place hasn't been working since before Christmas, and it wont be fixed until after the new year... so this over-sharer who depends too much on this blog to figure out her own feelings has been going a little crazy. Instead of writing an emotional piece of what I am currently going through (I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy crying in public) I thought I would write about my progress with GD.
I really was shocked to find out I have gestational diabetes because I truly do eat healthy, and while I have been banned from my favorite exercises like zumba and running, my pregnancy books have a 'move of the week' that I follow. Little things like squats and leg lifts and stretches ect... i lost 25 pounds at the beginning of my pregnancy (Duchess Kate and I are BFFs) only to have gained back 5 at this point. I went into last week's appointment skeptical that there was much else I could do- I just had this feeling that I would end up being one of those unlucky women stuck taking daily insulin shots. Before I get into that, let me give you some insight into the food of my daily life...
My life with food pre-pregnancy was annoying on it's own. Here is a list of things I couldn't have before for various reasons:
1. Nuts (make your jokes) I am highly allergic to most nuts... I still eat peanut butter but at a price... I get a rash but its not full-on hives so most of the time I don't mind dealing with it. Usually the benefits of it outweigh my annoying rash but other nuts I avoid because I don't really like them and the rash is worse for some reason.
2. Aspartame (splenda is made from this) It causes severe migraine headaches that usually ended up with me sick to my stomach
3. Processed foods like American cheese, what i call 'fake' chocolate (or cheap chocolate), and most sausages or hot dogs... they also give me a rash so i tend to avoid them... plus EEW!
4. Most meat: I'm not not a meat inclined person... i love most vegetarian dishes. I wish I could write about some moral obligation against meat, but I just prefer not to eat it because I don't really like it.
When I got pregnant there were even more foods I had to stay away from... Here is the list of things my doctors told me to avoid (please don't ask me the clinical explanation on why... i just follow directions lol):
1. Deli meats... which stinks because I would have a sandwich almost every day for lunch
2. Undercooked meats or raw fish. I LOVE sashimi and crave it like crazy for some reason. I've just stayed away from steak because when I actually want steak I like it rare, and if I can't have it rare then what's the point of having it ya know?
3. Coffee. Now I'm not gonna lie, there is no way I could stay away from coffee completely. I can safely have 200mg a day so I have 1 cup which is no where near that. That's a huge deal for me since I usually drink it up until I go to sleep.
4. Runny eggs. I freaking love them but I can't have them ;( so again, why bother eating any if I can't have them cooked the way I like them?
5. Fish. Just the smell of it makes my stomach turn, so while I loved it pre-pregnancy I haven't wanted anything to do with it since 6 weeks in.
6. Salt (to prevent bloating) I'm fairly short, so I don't need any extra 'help' .. especially from foods I don't really need or like
SO- this is what a day in the life of my eating habits consists of (before the GD diet)... These first 2 are always the same every day no matter what I am doing, it's very exciting haha. I eat almost every 2 hours to ward of nausea, which works for me because i get full VERY quickly.
Breakfast- Black coffee and a banana
Snack- Yogurt
Lunch- Can be any of the following: a pb&j, soup, salad, macaroni and cheese, bagel and cream cheese, or chowmein (one of my biggest cravings)
Snack- Crackers (because usually i feel sick after lunch), fruit or a little of whatever i didn't finish at lunch
Dinner- my parents cook just as much as we eat out, but usually by dinner i get full after a couple of bites so i don't worry too much about what I'm eating. i usually go for the healthiest option of whatever they are having... my parents are both diabetic and have high cholesterol so they're pretty careful what they eat as well, and I don't usually eat meat.. so dinner consists of side dishes mostly.
After dinner snack- fruit with peanut butter, celery with peanut butter or a hard boiled egg with cheese
Late night snack- i do have a sweet tooth and keep a stash of sour candies by my bed (another huge craving) but because they're sour I can only eat a handful at a time. A few times a week I have 3-4 oreos and milk- because I'm one of those weirdos that actually sticks to serving sizes listed on packages, and i always have half of a peanut butter sandwich so i don't wake up sick to my stomach.
As you can see my daily diet is pretty boring, so when we factor in the requirements of gestational diabetes, there isn't a whole lot to be excited about. Basically I have to watch my carbs (so sad... i love carbs! carbs carbs carbs, get in my belly) and I can no longer have fruit juices, soda's- which is fine, I was never a huge soda drinker, except for my random cravings for root beer and I am being forced to eat meat on a daily basis. (My iron levels were very low) I also have to eat 6 meals a day which is hard because I'm basically always full. So here is my food life since conforming to the GD Diet: ppssstt... this is the general diet based on my meetings with a nutritionist who helped me shape the GD diet to my own needs.
Breakfast- Bagel and cream cheese and coffee
Morning Snack- yogurt
Lunch- a sandwich, or a salad with a protein included
Afternoon Snack- cottage cheese or cheese slices with milk
Dinner- a palm sized protein (usually chicken), a cup of a starch (usually pasta of some kind) and a huge portion of veggies (my favorite part- especially when my hubby is cooking them)
Late Night Snack- either peanut butter toast or 1/2 peanut butter sandwich with milk
I saw the nutritionist again this morning and they reviewed my blood sugar readings. They were very inconsistent despite the consistencies of my diet. The biggest worry for them was my fasting reading (right after I wake up) and my hour after breakfast reading. They suggested I change my bagel and cream cheese breakfast to a 1/2 bagel and add a hard boiled egg. They also suggested I add cheese to my late night snack. They're giving my numbers until Friday to improve my blood sugar readings with these 2 adjustments otherwise I am going to have to give myself insulin injections at bedtime to try and make up for my fasting and post breakfast numbers. Keep those fingers crossed!!!
If I wasn't already worried about my food intake and making sure I get all the nutrients and diet requirements in - seriously who has time for all this monitoring haha- I also have to take all these supplements daily:
Folic Acid x3
Prenatal Vitamin x1
Iron with a shot of orange juice x1
Protein Powder mixed into my milk x2
Anti-nausea meds (there are 2 of them but i forget what they are called) one of them is at night to help me sleep and the other can be up to 3x a day as needed
I think that's about it... so I bet your diet is looking pretty good right about now right? In all seriousness the GD diet is not as bad as I thought. Like I said, it was pretty similar to my regular routine except now I can't have all the sweets... which can be hard. There was a point last night where I was almost in tears wishing I just had some starbursts. Luckily that can be blamed on pregnancy hormones and its gone just as quickly as it comes. It's also kinda nice taking out all the guesswork and the time it would take me to settle on what to eat. It's pretty black and white so its easy to remember, and easy to follow. I even like the fact that I get to 'work out' after each major meal. I was missing my active lifestyle, so even though its just a walk around the block or doing my stretches, it feels good.
I'll do my best to keep this updated on my progress and of course how it effects miss Averie Belle. Hopefully I'll get the chance to write about my holiday week and the roller coaster of emotions I experienced. Let's just say I'll be happy when the holidays pass!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Harry the Heart Monitor
Disclaimer: My spellcheck option isn't working for some reason, so please exuse any typos or any misspelled words ;)  |
| This is Harry the Heart Monitor, my new friend. |
I went to the 2-hour appointment with my husband and there were 2 other couples there. The way they do things in my Dr's office, which I find annoying, is force you to attend a class before your able to meet with specialists. They did it when I first got pregnant to- before you're able to pick a OB and a Midwife you have to go to this 3 hour class where they go over the basics and introduce all the Dr's to you. For an impatient person like me I would rather do all that research on my own and skip right to meeting with a specialist.
I left feeling discouraged because I am already eating the way they suggest. Besides my sweet tooth... and really i have like a sweet mouth because I really LOVE sweets, I am in pretty good shape to following the meal plans they suggest. My husband is optomistic too, and has agreed to start eating the same diet as me. The only part I'm not particularly excited about is adding so much meat into my diet, as I've said before I just dont really care for meat. I eat it when I crave it, but that's not very often. BUT... of course I'll do whatever i need to for my baby girl. So the diet part was fine with me, and even adding excersise is fine with me... its the poking of my finger that I'm not too crazy about. I guess I have sensitive fingers, because they said it's not supposed to hurt but each time it does and my fingers throb for a while afterwards. I'll have to research ways to allievate the sensitivity (if there are any) but it's nothing I can't handle. I'm looking forward to my one on one appointment with the nutritionist to personalize my meal plans.
I got to meet with my OB afterwards for my regular checkup and she explained a little more what I was looking at as far as my risk for having a C-Section. They were already concerned because I'm a small girl but we're all hoping I'll be able to keep the GD under control. She said a 7-pound baby would be my personal max. If Averie's over that (GD influenced or not) I'll have to be induced early. They would like to give me a chance to deliver vaginally like I want, but I have to be open to the possibility of needing a C-Section if Averie's on the larger side.
I always go to my check ups with a list of concerns or things I've been experienceing and one of them was these dizzy spells I've been having. They aren't super common but I've had them a handfull of times over the last 5 months or so. I get really hot and dizzy and my heart beats fast... sometimes my vision gets blurry. The last bad one I had was at work but luckily I was able to get myself off the floor and into the back room to put my head down. When I told my OB she didn't seem too concerned, she just told me to drink more water. I didn't press the issue because I felt rushed, but I knew I had been drinking plenty of water- I am ALWAYS thirsty. I figured I'd just ask my Midwife about it at my next appointment.
Later that night I was taking a shower and I started to feel a dizzy spell coming on. Luckily my husband was right there and helped me sit down in the tub and got me out. That time my vision actually blacked out but I could still hear him telling me what he was doing to help. He got me into bed and thought myabe my blood sugar was low and brought me some juice. I layed down and took a nap for about an hour and felt ok the rest of the night.
Then this morning as I was getting my breakfast together I felt a little 'fuzzy' but I didn't get too worried about it. About an hour later I started to get ready for my day and while I was putting on my makeup I felt another spell coming on. This time my vision didn't go away completly, it just got dimmer and I saw spots. I got really hot and my chest started to hurt as I felt my heart rate speed up. I went to sit down in my room (it was closest) until my vision came back. When it did I tried to eat a hard boiled egg thinking maybe I didnt have enough protein this morning. I still felt shakey for another 45 minutes so I called the OB advise nurse and they told me I needed to come in right away.
Luckily, my husband was able to come home and take me in. They gave me an EKG, a neurological exam, tested my oxygen and took my blood pressure. All normal. That left us with a big question mark. One thing I like about my general physician is he doesn't like to jump to conclusions or freak me out so he told me the next natural step is to eliminate things. The best way to do that in his opinion, was to hook me up to Harry for 24 hours. I can still go to work, and do my daily activities (which is nice because today was my dad's birthday and there is no way I was missing that!) but I have to go back tomorrow and have it taken off and do a stress test, and then wait for the results.
I'm strangely at ease... I don't think I'll ever be good at hearing bad news... or confusing news in this case, but I think when I hit my low point last week I also got to a point where I can't help but laugh now. Being told I had to be hooked up to a machine for 24 hours didn't do anything but make me laugh, which is strage for my loved ones because they are super concerned and I'm just going with the flow. I guess that's what happens when you max out on crap... which is probably a good thing for me at this point. I did come to the conclusion that I need to start seeing someone regularly to make sure my mental health is being taken care of too. I feel fine, but that may not always be the case.. as these things tend to sneak up on you. One thing I've learned throughout all this is that preventative medicine is nothing to mess around with.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Food Woes Shoved Aside
Originally I was working on a post to make you laugh about all the things I crave but cant eat. I thought i would be a nice change to write something silly, because for once things were going well and I didn't have much to write about. In a funny and pathetic way, the universe provided me something yesterday, so my funny Food Woes post is now a thing of the past because I need to figure out what snapped inside me yesterday to cause the full on melt down I experienced.
Before I write everything I should probably say a couple of disclaimers: 1. things could always be worse 2. while my problem may not seem like much compared to my past problems, I still feel like I got hit in the gut 3. life doesn't always go to plan blah blah blah!
I had to re-do my blood glucose test yesterday. I went into it pretty confident because I haven't had any symptoms of being diabetic and in general I eat pretty healthy. I was literally shocked when I received my test results and the numbers were crazy high. I tried not to panic knowing that my Dr would be calling me soon. Luckily I have very well versed friends and family on facebook who were able to give me a hint of what I could be expecting.
When the Dr finally called she explained that with my scores as high as they were they were going to move forward with the diagnosis of gestational diabetes and I had to attend a class next week explaining all the changes I was going to have to make. No problem... then she dropped the big one: her prediction based on my numbers was that I should start preparing myself to the reality that I will probably have to have a C-Section. Devastation.
To some people this may not be the worst news in the world, but to me it was earth shattering. Even with Mason I had planned on a natural birth and when we lost him I felt this huge loss of that experience. When we got pregnant with Averie I was so excited that I got another chance to experience a natural birth. I've been researching and planning and preparing myself to go through this, and I've been extremely excited about it. To hear that there was a 90% chance of that being taken away again I guess I just couldn't handle it.
The best I can describe is that I snapped inside. I called my husband and he could barely understand me as a crying mess. I literally cried for hours, I couldn't seem to pull myself together. I had multiple commitments last night that I just couldn't even fathom going to. I realize today (after some sleep) that I could have been told much worse but last night- which seems like a lifetime ago for some reason- I was inconsolable for about 5 hours.
I guess in a way I have hit my max on hearing about how my pregnancy is different. I felt like I keep getting robbed of what everyone gets to experience during their pregnancies. I just so so so so so badly want to experience a shred of normalcy while being pregnant. I know that's unrealistic in our situation blah blah blah... sue me. Everyone has a breaking point, and yesterday was mine. I'll do the diet, I'll do the exercise... I'll do anything to keep my birth plan. That may sound silly to some, but getting the chance to experience a natural birth... I just can't handle that being taken away from me.
I cant help feeling like around every corner there is another way that I get jipped on this experience, and it makes my dream of having a big family become smaller and smaller. I'm not sure I can go through all this again. Right now anyway, it feels impossible. I'm sure that will change, and I hope it does... but for now I think Averie is it for me. There is only so much you can take when you are told all these different things you can and can't do- and I actually follow them- and still have shitty outcomes.
I guess there wasn't much to figure out here... I'm just emotionally exhausted and while I feel like a baby, I know its important to own my emotions... no matter how embarrassing they are the next day.
Before I write everything I should probably say a couple of disclaimers: 1. things could always be worse 2. while my problem may not seem like much compared to my past problems, I still feel like I got hit in the gut 3. life doesn't always go to plan blah blah blah!
I had to re-do my blood glucose test yesterday. I went into it pretty confident because I haven't had any symptoms of being diabetic and in general I eat pretty healthy. I was literally shocked when I received my test results and the numbers were crazy high. I tried not to panic knowing that my Dr would be calling me soon. Luckily I have very well versed friends and family on facebook who were able to give me a hint of what I could be expecting.
When the Dr finally called she explained that with my scores as high as they were they were going to move forward with the diagnosis of gestational diabetes and I had to attend a class next week explaining all the changes I was going to have to make. No problem... then she dropped the big one: her prediction based on my numbers was that I should start preparing myself to the reality that I will probably have to have a C-Section. Devastation.
To some people this may not be the worst news in the world, but to me it was earth shattering. Even with Mason I had planned on a natural birth and when we lost him I felt this huge loss of that experience. When we got pregnant with Averie I was so excited that I got another chance to experience a natural birth. I've been researching and planning and preparing myself to go through this, and I've been extremely excited about it. To hear that there was a 90% chance of that being taken away again I guess I just couldn't handle it.
The best I can describe is that I snapped inside. I called my husband and he could barely understand me as a crying mess. I literally cried for hours, I couldn't seem to pull myself together. I had multiple commitments last night that I just couldn't even fathom going to. I realize today (after some sleep) that I could have been told much worse but last night- which seems like a lifetime ago for some reason- I was inconsolable for about 5 hours.
I guess in a way I have hit my max on hearing about how my pregnancy is different. I felt like I keep getting robbed of what everyone gets to experience during their pregnancies. I just so so so so so badly want to experience a shred of normalcy while being pregnant. I know that's unrealistic in our situation blah blah blah... sue me. Everyone has a breaking point, and yesterday was mine. I'll do the diet, I'll do the exercise... I'll do anything to keep my birth plan. That may sound silly to some, but getting the chance to experience a natural birth... I just can't handle that being taken away from me.
I cant help feeling like around every corner there is another way that I get jipped on this experience, and it makes my dream of having a big family become smaller and smaller. I'm not sure I can go through all this again. Right now anyway, it feels impossible. I'm sure that will change, and I hope it does... but for now I think Averie is it for me. There is only so much you can take when you are told all these different things you can and can't do- and I actually follow them- and still have shitty outcomes.
I guess there wasn't much to figure out here... I'm just emotionally exhausted and while I feel like a baby, I know its important to own my emotions... no matter how embarrassing they are the next day.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
The Unexpected
Forgive me as I try to make sense of the massive crying fit that just came over me.
I've gotten pretty good at masking my feelings while I'm in the outside world, but the last few days when I get home I just want to cry. I'm not sure why so I haven't let myself. I don't have anything to cry about, my life is going smoothly... hiccups and all... so you would think this Thanksgiving would be something to look forward to.
I've never really been a fan of Thanksgiving... loud families and food I don't really care for... but for some reason I've been dreading this one like no other. I figured it was just anxiety over the upcoming family get together. I haven't been at a gathering like this since before Mason and for some reason I was having a hard time wrapping my head around getting myself excited to go. It strangely has nothing to do with my husband's family... there is just a lot of them and it can be overwhelming sometimes, which is usually easier when I can drink haha... I would feel the same way if we were going to be surrounded by my family. When I tried to explain how I was feeling to my husband, he didn't really get it. I don't blame him, even I don't really understand how I'm feeling.
I'm not sure if it was a mix of having just watched the recent episode of Parenthood (seriously- that show makes me cry every time), my pregnancy emotions on overdrive and the general disdain I have for Thanksgiving but I've been in this funk. I've also been missing Mason more than normal, but I didn't think much of it, because I miss him all the time. Sometimes more than others... normal for me.
I was sitting here trying to pay some bills, finish some articles, maybe sneak some Sims playing in... with the TV on in the back ground. Then I hear these 2 words that have been the worst 2 words I've ever known... spina bifida. I don't even know the story line on the show but I heard those words and something clicked... something horribly sad that I couldn't control. I realized what has been bothering me, the fact that my husband and his family are so excited to show off my belly and I guess subconsciously part of me knew I should have been showing off my son this Thanksgiving.
I know I can't control these things, and maybe someone out there is tired of hearing it... this sad game I keep playing within myself. I can't always let things like this get to me, it comes with the decision we made, and I'm not dumb to that. But sometimes, especially around the holidays since that's when everything started to change in Mason's world I can't control it and I just need to hide in my room and have a good cry. I just wish that crying everything out could somehow drain the sadness out of me too. Like I could purge it out somehow, but it's always there. Times like today when I allow myself to really let it out, say whats in my heart out loud it hurts, but it also feels good to not keep it all inside. But after that I feel guilt for letting those moments happen instead of focusing all my energy on Averie. I know that probably sounds dumb, but I don't ever want her to know my sadness for Mason because I'm so excited and in love with her... or that any of her moments weren't always hers. I'm not sure how to balance the two...
I know tomorrow I'll feel better without having to do anything, I'll be back to my balanced life and get caught up in visiting with family and food... but today I finally figured out what has been bothering me and i allowed myself to have these moments. It felt good to give myself that, despite how unexpected it was. I just have to work on the guilt that follows it. But, I've got time, and for that I can be thankful.
I've gotten pretty good at masking my feelings while I'm in the outside world, but the last few days when I get home I just want to cry. I'm not sure why so I haven't let myself. I don't have anything to cry about, my life is going smoothly... hiccups and all... so you would think this Thanksgiving would be something to look forward to.
I've never really been a fan of Thanksgiving... loud families and food I don't really care for... but for some reason I've been dreading this one like no other. I figured it was just anxiety over the upcoming family get together. I haven't been at a gathering like this since before Mason and for some reason I was having a hard time wrapping my head around getting myself excited to go. It strangely has nothing to do with my husband's family... there is just a lot of them and it can be overwhelming sometimes, which is usually easier when I can drink haha... I would feel the same way if we were going to be surrounded by my family. When I tried to explain how I was feeling to my husband, he didn't really get it. I don't blame him, even I don't really understand how I'm feeling.
I'm not sure if it was a mix of having just watched the recent episode of Parenthood (seriously- that show makes me cry every time), my pregnancy emotions on overdrive and the general disdain I have for Thanksgiving but I've been in this funk. I've also been missing Mason more than normal, but I didn't think much of it, because I miss him all the time. Sometimes more than others... normal for me.
I was sitting here trying to pay some bills, finish some articles, maybe sneak some Sims playing in... with the TV on in the back ground. Then I hear these 2 words that have been the worst 2 words I've ever known... spina bifida. I don't even know the story line on the show but I heard those words and something clicked... something horribly sad that I couldn't control. I realized what has been bothering me, the fact that my husband and his family are so excited to show off my belly and I guess subconsciously part of me knew I should have been showing off my son this Thanksgiving.
I know I can't control these things, and maybe someone out there is tired of hearing it... this sad game I keep playing within myself. I can't always let things like this get to me, it comes with the decision we made, and I'm not dumb to that. But sometimes, especially around the holidays since that's when everything started to change in Mason's world I can't control it and I just need to hide in my room and have a good cry. I just wish that crying everything out could somehow drain the sadness out of me too. Like I could purge it out somehow, but it's always there. Times like today when I allow myself to really let it out, say whats in my heart out loud it hurts, but it also feels good to not keep it all inside. But after that I feel guilt for letting those moments happen instead of focusing all my energy on Averie. I know that probably sounds dumb, but I don't ever want her to know my sadness for Mason because I'm so excited and in love with her... or that any of her moments weren't always hers. I'm not sure how to balance the two...
I know tomorrow I'll feel better without having to do anything, I'll be back to my balanced life and get caught up in visiting with family and food... but today I finally figured out what has been bothering me and i allowed myself to have these moments. It felt good to give myself that, despite how unexpected it was. I just have to work on the guilt that follows it. But, I've got time, and for that I can be thankful.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Control Freak
I don't think it's any secret that I am a passionate person with my own voice... and that I typically have no problem expressing it. The same goes when I am making decisions regarding my life... this is also not a secret.
I have issues with control, a lot of my life has been out of my control so I cling onto the things that I can navigate to my own standards. Unfortunately, this doesn't always make me the best listener when i am being given advise. I tend to think the research I do vs what other's tell me is correct, despite how many times they try to shove it down my throat. I recognize that this is always done with the best of intentions on both parts: the other party is only trying to help, and I only want what is best for me. At some point these 2 things need to meet in the middle, but I have yet to accomplish this on a regular basis.
The most recent example of my push and pull relationship is my unintentional rebellion following my Dr appointment a few weeks ago. I went in for a regular pregnancy checkup looking for answers for a strange pain I was having in my pack that would surge up my back and down my leg at random times. She told me it was my sciatic nerve acting up, and gave me some at-home tricks to help alleviate the pain. The other things she told me- very firmly- was not to be on my feet unnecessarily. She also told me not to sit for long periods of time. My job is actually perfect for this because I stand and sit regularly so typically I don't have to worry. She also told me to eliminate any extra curricular activities that would cause my sciatic to act up. So, despite me not wanting to listen to her advise I did... mostly.
I stepped away from the play I was doing because it was hours at a time sitting... I stopped all the exercise classes that she advised. What I didn't do was cut back at work because we couldn't afford to. I also continued my plans to redecorate the room that would be Averie's, and put all my extra energy into planning the baby shower. Unfortunately, one of these things has now gone beyond my control.
At work I always knew it was a possibility that I would be asked to return to part time. I was only covering for someone on leave in full time status and was just hoping to fly under the radar until I went on leave at full time. Part of me is ok with stepping down because I knew it would make my Dr and my husband happy to have me off my feet more often. My pocket book however, and some of my pride is not ok with this. I guess I had just hoped it could be more of my idea than a change in circumstance. I didn't mind letting go of the extra stuff in my life, but work has always been a huge deal to me and I didn't want to feel like less of a worker, or that I couldn't keep up. I'm struggling a little with what to do next.
My husband was able to go back to full time at work since he is almost done with school, so financially we are kind of just swapping places. He's happy that I'll be able to be at home more and focus on the baby's room and my health but I am already going crazy thinking about sitting at home, at it won't even happen until next month. I've already put in an application for a part time job hoping they can overlook the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant. It's not even about the money at this point, its the fact that I have no idea how to sit still. Even as I write this I am flashing back to when I was supposed to be on bed rest with Mason for over a month and I spent the entire time technically on my couch... but I was a busy body making everyone Christmas ornaments from scratch, making presents, and anything else I could do while still being able to report back to my Dr with a clear conscience that I wasn't on my feet. I don't know how to turn off... which has served me well in my working career but only made things worse in my personal life.
The other thing I am having a hard time listening to is not being able to work out. I am a very active person, I have always been that way and being restricted to only walking just won't cut it for me. My Dr is somewhat concerned that I have only gained 4lbs this entire pregnancy and I am only a week away from being into my 3rd trimester when most women have already gained 10-15lbs. There is the fact that i started off heavy (for my height) so I don't worry too much about the fact that I haven't gained much weight. However, I'm not where my Dr would like to see me and I'm miserable trying to find a common ground where I am listening to her and making myself happy.
It's like I have two minds working against each other as I go through each of these things. On one hand I'm not exercising the way I used to- I don't go to classes but I'm doing at home exercises that make me feel like I'm at least doing something. I quit all my extra curriculars... but I literally just spent my day off reorganizing our room, moving furniture and redecorating our bathroom. My other days off have been similar as far as activity goes. I agreed to step down at work, only to apply for another part time job. As I see all of this in writing I feel ridiculous, but I know tomorrow won't be any different. How do I learn to let go and follow directions? Is it possible to surrender yourself over to something and actually be happy about it? Right now I'm very doubtful that I'll ever learn this concept of finding a middle ground that won't drive me crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not the only crazy out there with control issues, and that there are ways to happily find the perfect compromise with what I should do vs what I want to do!
I have issues with control, a lot of my life has been out of my control so I cling onto the things that I can navigate to my own standards. Unfortunately, this doesn't always make me the best listener when i am being given advise. I tend to think the research I do vs what other's tell me is correct, despite how many times they try to shove it down my throat. I recognize that this is always done with the best of intentions on both parts: the other party is only trying to help, and I only want what is best for me. At some point these 2 things need to meet in the middle, but I have yet to accomplish this on a regular basis.
The most recent example of my push and pull relationship is my unintentional rebellion following my Dr appointment a few weeks ago. I went in for a regular pregnancy checkup looking for answers for a strange pain I was having in my pack that would surge up my back and down my leg at random times. She told me it was my sciatic nerve acting up, and gave me some at-home tricks to help alleviate the pain. The other things she told me- very firmly- was not to be on my feet unnecessarily. She also told me not to sit for long periods of time. My job is actually perfect for this because I stand and sit regularly so typically I don't have to worry. She also told me to eliminate any extra curricular activities that would cause my sciatic to act up. So, despite me not wanting to listen to her advise I did... mostly.
I stepped away from the play I was doing because it was hours at a time sitting... I stopped all the exercise classes that she advised. What I didn't do was cut back at work because we couldn't afford to. I also continued my plans to redecorate the room that would be Averie's, and put all my extra energy into planning the baby shower. Unfortunately, one of these things has now gone beyond my control.
At work I always knew it was a possibility that I would be asked to return to part time. I was only covering for someone on leave in full time status and was just hoping to fly under the radar until I went on leave at full time. Part of me is ok with stepping down because I knew it would make my Dr and my husband happy to have me off my feet more often. My pocket book however, and some of my pride is not ok with this. I guess I had just hoped it could be more of my idea than a change in circumstance. I didn't mind letting go of the extra stuff in my life, but work has always been a huge deal to me and I didn't want to feel like less of a worker, or that I couldn't keep up. I'm struggling a little with what to do next.
My husband was able to go back to full time at work since he is almost done with school, so financially we are kind of just swapping places. He's happy that I'll be able to be at home more and focus on the baby's room and my health but I am already going crazy thinking about sitting at home, at it won't even happen until next month. I've already put in an application for a part time job hoping they can overlook the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant. It's not even about the money at this point, its the fact that I have no idea how to sit still. Even as I write this I am flashing back to when I was supposed to be on bed rest with Mason for over a month and I spent the entire time technically on my couch... but I was a busy body making everyone Christmas ornaments from scratch, making presents, and anything else I could do while still being able to report back to my Dr with a clear conscience that I wasn't on my feet. I don't know how to turn off... which has served me well in my working career but only made things worse in my personal life.
The other thing I am having a hard time listening to is not being able to work out. I am a very active person, I have always been that way and being restricted to only walking just won't cut it for me. My Dr is somewhat concerned that I have only gained 4lbs this entire pregnancy and I am only a week away from being into my 3rd trimester when most women have already gained 10-15lbs. There is the fact that i started off heavy (for my height) so I don't worry too much about the fact that I haven't gained much weight. However, I'm not where my Dr would like to see me and I'm miserable trying to find a common ground where I am listening to her and making myself happy.
It's like I have two minds working against each other as I go through each of these things. On one hand I'm not exercising the way I used to- I don't go to classes but I'm doing at home exercises that make me feel like I'm at least doing something. I quit all my extra curriculars... but I literally just spent my day off reorganizing our room, moving furniture and redecorating our bathroom. My other days off have been similar as far as activity goes. I agreed to step down at work, only to apply for another part time job. As I see all of this in writing I feel ridiculous, but I know tomorrow won't be any different. How do I learn to let go and follow directions? Is it possible to surrender yourself over to something and actually be happy about it? Right now I'm very doubtful that I'll ever learn this concept of finding a middle ground that won't drive me crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not the only crazy out there with control issues, and that there are ways to happily find the perfect compromise with what I should do vs what I want to do!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Too Many Thanks to Contain
I realize that this post is a few weeks early for Thanksgiving, but I have been feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude in my life lately that I thought I should make sure I put it out into the universe.
1. Democracy: I honestly don't care which way you choose to vote in the election this week, as long as you voted. Both of my brother's served time in the military a lot of their time was after 9/11 and while I don't personally agree with most of the politics that surround the war. I am forever grateful to them and the men and women who have served or are currently serving our country. I appreciate all the people who worked hard to give me my rights, and for those who work to preserve them. Because of my experiences and decisions regarding Mason you can probably figure out who I voted for, but that's not important. I personally don't believe in taking rights away from people and I love that I live in a country where I am free to express that.
2. 2012: It was no secret that I despised 2012 for most of it's existence. If it was possible to kick a year's ass I would have been first in line. I went through so many changes and experiences that I never thought I would, and somehow managed to come out on top. This is an ongoing process of course... and I'm aware there is still 40+ days in the year, but I feel confident enough to say that 2012 went from practically killing me to becoming my bitch. Somewhere along the line 2012 helped me become the person that I've always hoped I could be. I'm more aware of myself and the most secure I have ever been in my life. I know most of that is from Mason, and I hope he never stops changing me. 2012, you can kiss my ass!
3. Faith: Over the last few years there have been pieces of my faith that I had lost. The lowest point was last January and I honestly thought I would never recover. I thought I would be angry at God forever but God is good, and patient and worked within me in ways I never knew before. Over time I started to allow myself to be in His hands and do His work on me. I stopped resisting for what was convenient and found happiness I never knew before. It's hard to describe what it feels like to have your faith restored but it's one of the greatest things I have to be thankful for. While I still have a hard time actually stepping foot into my church, I know as long as I put my faith in God I will be able to do this again some day. Right now, my relationship with God is a 'home schooled' version if you will, and right now that works for me.
4. My Husband: If I'm allowed to, I could talk about how lucky I am to be married to by best friend. In fact there are many posts where I go on and on about this partner of mine. We aren't perfect by any means, but we do have a remarkable partnership that works for us. I also happen to think he's smoking hot which doesn't hurt things ;) Through this year I found out more than ever that I picked the right person to spend my life with. Whenever he needs to really show up for me in life, he is always there and it usually involves little to no discussion about what we need to do that is right for us. I know this probably won't always be the case, but I hope that we always operate as a team and strive to put each other first. I think that's why some marriages have trouble, because they forget who is important: their partner.
5. My Family: I haven't always had the best relationship with my parents, and I am not particularly close to my siblings. It's sad but sometimes horrible things can bring people together and this year had that effect on my relationship with my family. I thought moving in with my parents and my sister would ruin everything we have built, and there are times that are hard, but for the most part that closeness we have developed has remained in tact. It's something I've always wanted growing up, and now I would do anything to protect it.
6. My Friends: This is where I consider myself extremely blessed. When I didn't have my family the way I do now, I had my friends. One of them, my best friend- and Averie's future Godmother- is the biggest blessing of them all. She is kind, she is smart and we've had the best times of my life together. She has been by my side for more than 8 years... I have known her for over 10 and have had the pleasure of seeing her blossom into this miraculous woman that I can only hope will rub off on Averie. I have had the pleasure of re-connecting with old friends from my childhood over the last few years and I like having a piece of my old self mixed with the person I have become. It's comforting to know you can still rely on the people you did when you were young. I'm not sure if a lot of people have this opportunity, but they should.
7. Averie Belle... my miracle. I know it's not up to her to make me a whole person, but I never felt like I was complete until I felt her kick for the first time. I always thought there were pieces of me that I would never get back. Not only from Mason, but from other parts of my life as well. I love my husband with everything I've ever known, but each day as she grows she grows my heart too. I never knew I could love anyone or anything so much, and I haven't even met her yet. I'm thankful for everything that 2012 has taught me, but I am forever in 2013's debt because it will give me my little girl. When I was young and I pictured myself having kids, it was always a little girl and I am more thankful to God, to the universe, to my husband, to fate... to everything that had a hand in giving me my dream of having a daughter.
There is so much I am thankful for, but those are the top of my list and deserve all the thanks in the world.
1. Democracy: I honestly don't care which way you choose to vote in the election this week, as long as you voted. Both of my brother's served time in the military a lot of their time was after 9/11 and while I don't personally agree with most of the politics that surround the war. I am forever grateful to them and the men and women who have served or are currently serving our country. I appreciate all the people who worked hard to give me my rights, and for those who work to preserve them. Because of my experiences and decisions regarding Mason you can probably figure out who I voted for, but that's not important. I personally don't believe in taking rights away from people and I love that I live in a country where I am free to express that.
2. 2012: It was no secret that I despised 2012 for most of it's existence. If it was possible to kick a year's ass I would have been first in line. I went through so many changes and experiences that I never thought I would, and somehow managed to come out on top. This is an ongoing process of course... and I'm aware there is still 40+ days in the year, but I feel confident enough to say that 2012 went from practically killing me to becoming my bitch. Somewhere along the line 2012 helped me become the person that I've always hoped I could be. I'm more aware of myself and the most secure I have ever been in my life. I know most of that is from Mason, and I hope he never stops changing me. 2012, you can kiss my ass!
3. Faith: Over the last few years there have been pieces of my faith that I had lost. The lowest point was last January and I honestly thought I would never recover. I thought I would be angry at God forever but God is good, and patient and worked within me in ways I never knew before. Over time I started to allow myself to be in His hands and do His work on me. I stopped resisting for what was convenient and found happiness I never knew before. It's hard to describe what it feels like to have your faith restored but it's one of the greatest things I have to be thankful for. While I still have a hard time actually stepping foot into my church, I know as long as I put my faith in God I will be able to do this again some day. Right now, my relationship with God is a 'home schooled' version if you will, and right now that works for me.
4. My Husband: If I'm allowed to, I could talk about how lucky I am to be married to by best friend. In fact there are many posts where I go on and on about this partner of mine. We aren't perfect by any means, but we do have a remarkable partnership that works for us. I also happen to think he's smoking hot which doesn't hurt things ;) Through this year I found out more than ever that I picked the right person to spend my life with. Whenever he needs to really show up for me in life, he is always there and it usually involves little to no discussion about what we need to do that is right for us. I know this probably won't always be the case, but I hope that we always operate as a team and strive to put each other first. I think that's why some marriages have trouble, because they forget who is important: their partner.
5. My Family: I haven't always had the best relationship with my parents, and I am not particularly close to my siblings. It's sad but sometimes horrible things can bring people together and this year had that effect on my relationship with my family. I thought moving in with my parents and my sister would ruin everything we have built, and there are times that are hard, but for the most part that closeness we have developed has remained in tact. It's something I've always wanted growing up, and now I would do anything to protect it.
6. My Friends: This is where I consider myself extremely blessed. When I didn't have my family the way I do now, I had my friends. One of them, my best friend- and Averie's future Godmother- is the biggest blessing of them all. She is kind, she is smart and we've had the best times of my life together. She has been by my side for more than 8 years... I have known her for over 10 and have had the pleasure of seeing her blossom into this miraculous woman that I can only hope will rub off on Averie. I have had the pleasure of re-connecting with old friends from my childhood over the last few years and I like having a piece of my old self mixed with the person I have become. It's comforting to know you can still rely on the people you did when you were young. I'm not sure if a lot of people have this opportunity, but they should.
7. Averie Belle... my miracle. I know it's not up to her to make me a whole person, but I never felt like I was complete until I felt her kick for the first time. I always thought there were pieces of me that I would never get back. Not only from Mason, but from other parts of my life as well. I love my husband with everything I've ever known, but each day as she grows she grows my heart too. I never knew I could love anyone or anything so much, and I haven't even met her yet. I'm thankful for everything that 2012 has taught me, but I am forever in 2013's debt because it will give me my little girl. When I was young and I pictured myself having kids, it was always a little girl and I am more thankful to God, to the universe, to my husband, to fate... to everything that had a hand in giving me my dream of having a daughter.
There is so much I am thankful for, but those are the top of my list and deserve all the thanks in the world.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
All About Us: Halloween Edition
I am a very lucky girl to be married to my very best friend in the whole world. One thing about our relationship that I would never change, is how much fun we have together. We have always been able to have fun just the two of us at home or out and about with friends. One of the things I am also lucky for, is the ability to talk my husband into dressing up each and every Halloween. He has always been a great sport and gone along with whatever crazy idea I came up with. He is so much fun too, because he really takes on whatever character I give him and will help to embellish his costume accordingly. Before we got pregnant this blog was also about us as a married couple and the things I love, Halloween happens to be at the top of the list. I thought it might be fun to share all our past Halloween costumes and reveal this year's.
 |
Our 1st Halloween: 2005 I fell in love with this 70's dress and Kev's only requirement was an afro! We were a huge hit with our families and no one accused us of being too old to trick or treat as we made our rounds in the neighborhood.
|
 |
| 2006: Nerds! This one is still my favorite. We won every costume contest that year- and Kev's costume was complete with a fanny pack! PLUS we got everything at good will so our costumes combined were less than $20! The inside joke of our costume was that we kept awkwardly making out (that's why he has lipstick all over his mouth) |
 |
| 2007: (also the last time i was skinny on Halloween) I forget what we said we were the God's of... at the time we had thought of funny things but they escape me now. Really, I just thought he would look hot (and I was right!) This one didn't take a lot of convincing haha |
 |
| 2008: I took the dress from my goddess costume the year before and sewed little hearts all over it to make me cupid. This was our first year living on our own and didn't have a lot of money. Kev came up with this excellent idea to help us be funny and save some moolah. This is my 3rd favorite costume of all time. (the 2nd is yet to come) |
 | ||
This is me being self indulgent and showing off what I thought was my "mad sewing skills" (I know NOTHING about sewing lol) ... I was pretty proud of my booty heart! In 2010 I was so sick that it was the only Halloween of my entire life that I didn't dress up. I was devastated but Kev brought me home to the bay area, him and his mom made all my favorite foods and we watched all my favorite Halloween movies. Despite my devastation, complete sickness (and flat out refusal to hand out candy because I didn't want to see everyone else dressed up) I had a pretty good night. 
|
.JPG)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)