Forgive me as I try to make sense of the massive crying fit that just came over me.
I've gotten pretty good at masking my feelings while I'm in the outside world, but the last few days when I get home I just want to cry. I'm not sure why so I haven't let myself. I don't have anything to cry about, my life is going smoothly... hiccups and all... so you would think this Thanksgiving would be something to look forward to.
I've never really been a fan of Thanksgiving... loud families and food I don't really care for... but for some reason I've been dreading this one like no other. I figured it was just anxiety over the upcoming family get together. I haven't been at a gathering like this since before Mason and for some reason I was having a hard time wrapping my head around getting myself excited to go. It strangely has nothing to do with my husband's family... there is just a lot of them and it can be overwhelming sometimes, which is usually easier when I can drink haha... I would feel the same way if we were going to be surrounded by my family. When I tried to explain how I was feeling to my husband, he didn't really get it. I don't blame him, even I don't really understand how I'm feeling.
I'm not sure if it was a mix of having just watched the recent episode of Parenthood (seriously- that show makes me cry every time), my pregnancy emotions on overdrive and the general disdain I have for Thanksgiving but I've been in this funk. I've also been missing Mason more than normal, but I didn't think much of it, because I miss him all the time. Sometimes more than others... normal for me.
I was sitting here trying to pay some bills, finish some articles, maybe sneak some Sims playing in... with the TV on in the back ground. Then I hear these 2 words that have been the worst 2 words I've ever known... spina bifida. I don't even know the story line on the show but I heard those words and something clicked... something horribly sad that I couldn't control. I realized what has been bothering me, the fact that my husband and his family are so excited to show off my belly and I guess subconsciously part of me knew I should have been showing off my son this Thanksgiving.
I know I can't control these things, and maybe someone out there is tired of hearing it... this sad game I keep playing within myself. I can't always let things like this get to me, it comes with the decision we made, and I'm not dumb to that. But sometimes, especially around the holidays since that's when everything started to change in Mason's world I can't control it and I just need to hide in my room and have a good cry. I just wish that crying everything out could somehow drain the sadness out of me too. Like I could purge it out somehow, but it's always there. Times like today when I allow myself to really let it out, say whats in my heart out loud it hurts, but it also feels good to not keep it all inside. But after that I feel guilt for letting those moments happen instead of focusing all my energy on Averie. I know that probably sounds dumb, but I don't ever want her to know my sadness for Mason because I'm so excited and in love with her... or that any of her moments weren't always hers. I'm not sure how to balance the two...
I know tomorrow I'll feel better without having to do anything, I'll be back to my balanced life and get caught up in visiting with family and food... but today I finally figured out what has been bothering me and i allowed myself to have these moments. It felt good to give myself that, despite how unexpected it was. I just have to work on the guilt that follows it. But, I've got time, and for that I can be thankful.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Control Freak
I don't think it's any secret that I am a passionate person with my own voice... and that I typically have no problem expressing it. The same goes when I am making decisions regarding my life... this is also not a secret.
I have issues with control, a lot of my life has been out of my control so I cling onto the things that I can navigate to my own standards. Unfortunately, this doesn't always make me the best listener when i am being given advise. I tend to think the research I do vs what other's tell me is correct, despite how many times they try to shove it down my throat. I recognize that this is always done with the best of intentions on both parts: the other party is only trying to help, and I only want what is best for me. At some point these 2 things need to meet in the middle, but I have yet to accomplish this on a regular basis.
The most recent example of my push and pull relationship is my unintentional rebellion following my Dr appointment a few weeks ago. I went in for a regular pregnancy checkup looking for answers for a strange pain I was having in my pack that would surge up my back and down my leg at random times. She told me it was my sciatic nerve acting up, and gave me some at-home tricks to help alleviate the pain. The other things she told me- very firmly- was not to be on my feet unnecessarily. She also told me not to sit for long periods of time. My job is actually perfect for this because I stand and sit regularly so typically I don't have to worry. She also told me to eliminate any extra curricular activities that would cause my sciatic to act up. So, despite me not wanting to listen to her advise I did... mostly.
I stepped away from the play I was doing because it was hours at a time sitting... I stopped all the exercise classes that she advised. What I didn't do was cut back at work because we couldn't afford to. I also continued my plans to redecorate the room that would be Averie's, and put all my extra energy into planning the baby shower. Unfortunately, one of these things has now gone beyond my control.
At work I always knew it was a possibility that I would be asked to return to part time. I was only covering for someone on leave in full time status and was just hoping to fly under the radar until I went on leave at full time. Part of me is ok with stepping down because I knew it would make my Dr and my husband happy to have me off my feet more often. My pocket book however, and some of my pride is not ok with this. I guess I had just hoped it could be more of my idea than a change in circumstance. I didn't mind letting go of the extra stuff in my life, but work has always been a huge deal to me and I didn't want to feel like less of a worker, or that I couldn't keep up. I'm struggling a little with what to do next.
My husband was able to go back to full time at work since he is almost done with school, so financially we are kind of just swapping places. He's happy that I'll be able to be at home more and focus on the baby's room and my health but I am already going crazy thinking about sitting at home, at it won't even happen until next month. I've already put in an application for a part time job hoping they can overlook the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant. It's not even about the money at this point, its the fact that I have no idea how to sit still. Even as I write this I am flashing back to when I was supposed to be on bed rest with Mason for over a month and I spent the entire time technically on my couch... but I was a busy body making everyone Christmas ornaments from scratch, making presents, and anything else I could do while still being able to report back to my Dr with a clear conscience that I wasn't on my feet. I don't know how to turn off... which has served me well in my working career but only made things worse in my personal life.
The other thing I am having a hard time listening to is not being able to work out. I am a very active person, I have always been that way and being restricted to only walking just won't cut it for me. My Dr is somewhat concerned that I have only gained 4lbs this entire pregnancy and I am only a week away from being into my 3rd trimester when most women have already gained 10-15lbs. There is the fact that i started off heavy (for my height) so I don't worry too much about the fact that I haven't gained much weight. However, I'm not where my Dr would like to see me and I'm miserable trying to find a common ground where I am listening to her and making myself happy.
It's like I have two minds working against each other as I go through each of these things. On one hand I'm not exercising the way I used to- I don't go to classes but I'm doing at home exercises that make me feel like I'm at least doing something. I quit all my extra curriculars... but I literally just spent my day off reorganizing our room, moving furniture and redecorating our bathroom. My other days off have been similar as far as activity goes. I agreed to step down at work, only to apply for another part time job. As I see all of this in writing I feel ridiculous, but I know tomorrow won't be any different. How do I learn to let go and follow directions? Is it possible to surrender yourself over to something and actually be happy about it? Right now I'm very doubtful that I'll ever learn this concept of finding a middle ground that won't drive me crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not the only crazy out there with control issues, and that there are ways to happily find the perfect compromise with what I should do vs what I want to do!
I have issues with control, a lot of my life has been out of my control so I cling onto the things that I can navigate to my own standards. Unfortunately, this doesn't always make me the best listener when i am being given advise. I tend to think the research I do vs what other's tell me is correct, despite how many times they try to shove it down my throat. I recognize that this is always done with the best of intentions on both parts: the other party is only trying to help, and I only want what is best for me. At some point these 2 things need to meet in the middle, but I have yet to accomplish this on a regular basis.
The most recent example of my push and pull relationship is my unintentional rebellion following my Dr appointment a few weeks ago. I went in for a regular pregnancy checkup looking for answers for a strange pain I was having in my pack that would surge up my back and down my leg at random times. She told me it was my sciatic nerve acting up, and gave me some at-home tricks to help alleviate the pain. The other things she told me- very firmly- was not to be on my feet unnecessarily. She also told me not to sit for long periods of time. My job is actually perfect for this because I stand and sit regularly so typically I don't have to worry. She also told me to eliminate any extra curricular activities that would cause my sciatic to act up. So, despite me not wanting to listen to her advise I did... mostly.
I stepped away from the play I was doing because it was hours at a time sitting... I stopped all the exercise classes that she advised. What I didn't do was cut back at work because we couldn't afford to. I also continued my plans to redecorate the room that would be Averie's, and put all my extra energy into planning the baby shower. Unfortunately, one of these things has now gone beyond my control.
At work I always knew it was a possibility that I would be asked to return to part time. I was only covering for someone on leave in full time status and was just hoping to fly under the radar until I went on leave at full time. Part of me is ok with stepping down because I knew it would make my Dr and my husband happy to have me off my feet more often. My pocket book however, and some of my pride is not ok with this. I guess I had just hoped it could be more of my idea than a change in circumstance. I didn't mind letting go of the extra stuff in my life, but work has always been a huge deal to me and I didn't want to feel like less of a worker, or that I couldn't keep up. I'm struggling a little with what to do next.
My husband was able to go back to full time at work since he is almost done with school, so financially we are kind of just swapping places. He's happy that I'll be able to be at home more and focus on the baby's room and my health but I am already going crazy thinking about sitting at home, at it won't even happen until next month. I've already put in an application for a part time job hoping they can overlook the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant. It's not even about the money at this point, its the fact that I have no idea how to sit still. Even as I write this I am flashing back to when I was supposed to be on bed rest with Mason for over a month and I spent the entire time technically on my couch... but I was a busy body making everyone Christmas ornaments from scratch, making presents, and anything else I could do while still being able to report back to my Dr with a clear conscience that I wasn't on my feet. I don't know how to turn off... which has served me well in my working career but only made things worse in my personal life.
The other thing I am having a hard time listening to is not being able to work out. I am a very active person, I have always been that way and being restricted to only walking just won't cut it for me. My Dr is somewhat concerned that I have only gained 4lbs this entire pregnancy and I am only a week away from being into my 3rd trimester when most women have already gained 10-15lbs. There is the fact that i started off heavy (for my height) so I don't worry too much about the fact that I haven't gained much weight. However, I'm not where my Dr would like to see me and I'm miserable trying to find a common ground where I am listening to her and making myself happy.
It's like I have two minds working against each other as I go through each of these things. On one hand I'm not exercising the way I used to- I don't go to classes but I'm doing at home exercises that make me feel like I'm at least doing something. I quit all my extra curriculars... but I literally just spent my day off reorganizing our room, moving furniture and redecorating our bathroom. My other days off have been similar as far as activity goes. I agreed to step down at work, only to apply for another part time job. As I see all of this in writing I feel ridiculous, but I know tomorrow won't be any different. How do I learn to let go and follow directions? Is it possible to surrender yourself over to something and actually be happy about it? Right now I'm very doubtful that I'll ever learn this concept of finding a middle ground that won't drive me crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not the only crazy out there with control issues, and that there are ways to happily find the perfect compromise with what I should do vs what I want to do!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Too Many Thanks to Contain
I realize that this post is a few weeks early for Thanksgiving, but I have been feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude in my life lately that I thought I should make sure I put it out into the universe.
1. Democracy: I honestly don't care which way you choose to vote in the election this week, as long as you voted. Both of my brother's served time in the military a lot of their time was after 9/11 and while I don't personally agree with most of the politics that surround the war. I am forever grateful to them and the men and women who have served or are currently serving our country. I appreciate all the people who worked hard to give me my rights, and for those who work to preserve them. Because of my experiences and decisions regarding Mason you can probably figure out who I voted for, but that's not important. I personally don't believe in taking rights away from people and I love that I live in a country where I am free to express that.
2. 2012: It was no secret that I despised 2012 for most of it's existence. If it was possible to kick a year's ass I would have been first in line. I went through so many changes and experiences that I never thought I would, and somehow managed to come out on top. This is an ongoing process of course... and I'm aware there is still 40+ days in the year, but I feel confident enough to say that 2012 went from practically killing me to becoming my bitch. Somewhere along the line 2012 helped me become the person that I've always hoped I could be. I'm more aware of myself and the most secure I have ever been in my life. I know most of that is from Mason, and I hope he never stops changing me. 2012, you can kiss my ass!
3. Faith: Over the last few years there have been pieces of my faith that I had lost. The lowest point was last January and I honestly thought I would never recover. I thought I would be angry at God forever but God is good, and patient and worked within me in ways I never knew before. Over time I started to allow myself to be in His hands and do His work on me. I stopped resisting for what was convenient and found happiness I never knew before. It's hard to describe what it feels like to have your faith restored but it's one of the greatest things I have to be thankful for. While I still have a hard time actually stepping foot into my church, I know as long as I put my faith in God I will be able to do this again some day. Right now, my relationship with God is a 'home schooled' version if you will, and right now that works for me.
4. My Husband: If I'm allowed to, I could talk about how lucky I am to be married to by best friend. In fact there are many posts where I go on and on about this partner of mine. We aren't perfect by any means, but we do have a remarkable partnership that works for us. I also happen to think he's smoking hot which doesn't hurt things ;) Through this year I found out more than ever that I picked the right person to spend my life with. Whenever he needs to really show up for me in life, he is always there and it usually involves little to no discussion about what we need to do that is right for us. I know this probably won't always be the case, but I hope that we always operate as a team and strive to put each other first. I think that's why some marriages have trouble, because they forget who is important: their partner.
5. My Family: I haven't always had the best relationship with my parents, and I am not particularly close to my siblings. It's sad but sometimes horrible things can bring people together and this year had that effect on my relationship with my family. I thought moving in with my parents and my sister would ruin everything we have built, and there are times that are hard, but for the most part that closeness we have developed has remained in tact. It's something I've always wanted growing up, and now I would do anything to protect it.
6. My Friends: This is where I consider myself extremely blessed. When I didn't have my family the way I do now, I had my friends. One of them, my best friend- and Averie's future Godmother- is the biggest blessing of them all. She is kind, she is smart and we've had the best times of my life together. She has been by my side for more than 8 years... I have known her for over 10 and have had the pleasure of seeing her blossom into this miraculous woman that I can only hope will rub off on Averie. I have had the pleasure of re-connecting with old friends from my childhood over the last few years and I like having a piece of my old self mixed with the person I have become. It's comforting to know you can still rely on the people you did when you were young. I'm not sure if a lot of people have this opportunity, but they should.
7. Averie Belle... my miracle. I know it's not up to her to make me a whole person, but I never felt like I was complete until I felt her kick for the first time. I always thought there were pieces of me that I would never get back. Not only from Mason, but from other parts of my life as well. I love my husband with everything I've ever known, but each day as she grows she grows my heart too. I never knew I could love anyone or anything so much, and I haven't even met her yet. I'm thankful for everything that 2012 has taught me, but I am forever in 2013's debt because it will give me my little girl. When I was young and I pictured myself having kids, it was always a little girl and I am more thankful to God, to the universe, to my husband, to fate... to everything that had a hand in giving me my dream of having a daughter.
There is so much I am thankful for, but those are the top of my list and deserve all the thanks in the world.
1. Democracy: I honestly don't care which way you choose to vote in the election this week, as long as you voted. Both of my brother's served time in the military a lot of their time was after 9/11 and while I don't personally agree with most of the politics that surround the war. I am forever grateful to them and the men and women who have served or are currently serving our country. I appreciate all the people who worked hard to give me my rights, and for those who work to preserve them. Because of my experiences and decisions regarding Mason you can probably figure out who I voted for, but that's not important. I personally don't believe in taking rights away from people and I love that I live in a country where I am free to express that.
2. 2012: It was no secret that I despised 2012 for most of it's existence. If it was possible to kick a year's ass I would have been first in line. I went through so many changes and experiences that I never thought I would, and somehow managed to come out on top. This is an ongoing process of course... and I'm aware there is still 40+ days in the year, but I feel confident enough to say that 2012 went from practically killing me to becoming my bitch. Somewhere along the line 2012 helped me become the person that I've always hoped I could be. I'm more aware of myself and the most secure I have ever been in my life. I know most of that is from Mason, and I hope he never stops changing me. 2012, you can kiss my ass!
3. Faith: Over the last few years there have been pieces of my faith that I had lost. The lowest point was last January and I honestly thought I would never recover. I thought I would be angry at God forever but God is good, and patient and worked within me in ways I never knew before. Over time I started to allow myself to be in His hands and do His work on me. I stopped resisting for what was convenient and found happiness I never knew before. It's hard to describe what it feels like to have your faith restored but it's one of the greatest things I have to be thankful for. While I still have a hard time actually stepping foot into my church, I know as long as I put my faith in God I will be able to do this again some day. Right now, my relationship with God is a 'home schooled' version if you will, and right now that works for me.
4. My Husband: If I'm allowed to, I could talk about how lucky I am to be married to by best friend. In fact there are many posts where I go on and on about this partner of mine. We aren't perfect by any means, but we do have a remarkable partnership that works for us. I also happen to think he's smoking hot which doesn't hurt things ;) Through this year I found out more than ever that I picked the right person to spend my life with. Whenever he needs to really show up for me in life, he is always there and it usually involves little to no discussion about what we need to do that is right for us. I know this probably won't always be the case, but I hope that we always operate as a team and strive to put each other first. I think that's why some marriages have trouble, because they forget who is important: their partner.
5. My Family: I haven't always had the best relationship with my parents, and I am not particularly close to my siblings. It's sad but sometimes horrible things can bring people together and this year had that effect on my relationship with my family. I thought moving in with my parents and my sister would ruin everything we have built, and there are times that are hard, but for the most part that closeness we have developed has remained in tact. It's something I've always wanted growing up, and now I would do anything to protect it.
6. My Friends: This is where I consider myself extremely blessed. When I didn't have my family the way I do now, I had my friends. One of them, my best friend- and Averie's future Godmother- is the biggest blessing of them all. She is kind, she is smart and we've had the best times of my life together. She has been by my side for more than 8 years... I have known her for over 10 and have had the pleasure of seeing her blossom into this miraculous woman that I can only hope will rub off on Averie. I have had the pleasure of re-connecting with old friends from my childhood over the last few years and I like having a piece of my old self mixed with the person I have become. It's comforting to know you can still rely on the people you did when you were young. I'm not sure if a lot of people have this opportunity, but they should.
7. Averie Belle... my miracle. I know it's not up to her to make me a whole person, but I never felt like I was complete until I felt her kick for the first time. I always thought there were pieces of me that I would never get back. Not only from Mason, but from other parts of my life as well. I love my husband with everything I've ever known, but each day as she grows she grows my heart too. I never knew I could love anyone or anything so much, and I haven't even met her yet. I'm thankful for everything that 2012 has taught me, but I am forever in 2013's debt because it will give me my little girl. When I was young and I pictured myself having kids, it was always a little girl and I am more thankful to God, to the universe, to my husband, to fate... to everything that had a hand in giving me my dream of having a daughter.
There is so much I am thankful for, but those are the top of my list and deserve all the thanks in the world.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
All About Us: Halloween Edition
I am a very lucky girl to be married to my very best friend in the whole world. One thing about our relationship that I would never change, is how much fun we have together. We have always been able to have fun just the two of us at home or out and about with friends. One of the things I am also lucky for, is the ability to talk my husband into dressing up each and every Halloween. He has always been a great sport and gone along with whatever crazy idea I came up with. He is so much fun too, because he really takes on whatever character I give him and will help to embellish his costume accordingly. Before we got pregnant this blog was also about us as a married couple and the things I love, Halloween happens to be at the top of the list. I thought it might be fun to share all our past Halloween costumes and reveal this year's.
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Our 1st Halloween: 2005 I fell in love with this 70's dress and Kev's only requirement was an afro! We were a huge hit with our families and no one accused us of being too old to trick or treat as we made our rounds in the neighborhood.
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| 2006: Nerds! This one is still my favorite. We won every costume contest that year- and Kev's costume was complete with a fanny pack! PLUS we got everything at good will so our costumes combined were less than $20! The inside joke of our costume was that we kept awkwardly making out (that's why he has lipstick all over his mouth) |
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| 2007: (also the last time i was skinny on Halloween) I forget what we said we were the God's of... at the time we had thought of funny things but they escape me now. Really, I just thought he would look hot (and I was right!) This one didn't take a lot of convincing haha |
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| 2008: I took the dress from my goddess costume the year before and sewed little hearts all over it to make me cupid. This was our first year living on our own and didn't have a lot of money. Kev came up with this excellent idea to help us be funny and save some moolah. This is my 3rd favorite costume of all time. (the 2nd is yet to come) |
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This is me being self indulgent and showing off what I thought was my "mad sewing skills" (I know NOTHING about sewing lol) ... I was pretty proud of my booty heart! In 2010 I was so sick that it was the only Halloween of my entire life that I didn't dress up. I was devastated but Kev brought me home to the bay area, him and his mom made all my favorite foods and we watched all my favorite Halloween movies. Despite my devastation, complete sickness (and flat out refusal to hand out candy because I didn't want to see everyone else dressed up) I had a pretty good night. 
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Saturday, October 27, 2012
Learning Lessons
Forgive me if this post seems a bit scattered, I am attempting to feverishly write during commercial breaks of game 3 of the World Series (GO GIANTS!!!!) but I didn't want to keep putting it off. I have a special Halloween post planned (so come visit my world again on Wednesday).
Ever sense our major fears have been ruled out for Averie I have found myself obsessing over all the small things that I'm told normal moms with normal pregnancies obsess over. I didn't understand why but all I could do was let these little things fill my mind- not enough to distract me from life- but these little worries kept popping up out of the blue. I started to remember the 1st chapter of Mommywood by Tori Spelling. I thought she was nuts when I was reading about her going on and on about seeing her son Liam's nose in a 4D ultrasound and fretting that he would get her 'pre-surgery honker'. (You can say what you want about her looks or her acting, but that woman LOVES her kids, and that makes me a fan of hers.) Now I kinda understand the mommy cray cray brain lol! Don't get me wrong, I don't let these little things ruin my day but I keep having these dreams that are almost validating my fears.
I keep having dreams that Averie is going to be a giant... my husband is 6 feet tall and I'm barely 5. I keep seeing myself in a hospital bed trying to push out this enormous baby and not being able to and then being rushed off to emergency surgery but I always wake up before I get to see if she's huge. I keep getting freaked out about her nose- we both have larger noses so I'll spend a few minutes a day consumed with fear that she'll have a huge nose and never grow into it. Realistically, both of us didn't come out with huge noses that we had to grow into lol, but it's just something that keeps popping in- and then out again.
I started to re-read Tori Spelling's book just to ease my own mind that I wasn't alone in my irrational fears and then I started to freak out because we had so many similar ones- the one that seems to make everyone laugh is about poop. Yes, I'm writing on my blog about poop. Tori and I both shared the same insane idea of 'what if I'm taking a poop and its a hard one and i have to push- wont the baby think it's time to come out!?' Obviously I have come to my senses but once these silly fears have passed I find them pretty funny. I know I can't be the only one out there with these same dumb fears.
It's like there's all this room in my brain now for all the little things now that all the big things have been relieved. It's kinda nice to know I'm going through what everyone else does. I've been able to really enjoy my pregnancy the last 2 weeks. Before I wouldn't let anyone buy anything for the baby or even talk about my baby shower... I really just wanted to take things by the day I was on but now I feel like I am finally comfortable enough that I've started to make plans for Averie. Thinks like-
-her room: we decided on an under the sea theme since the room she's going into is already a teal-ish blue... less work for mom and dad and my husband is in love with sea creatures, pus I've always loved mermaids... however I don't like Ariel so that's why we're hesitant to say its mermaid themed and we call it under the sea. My 'other parents' have set a great example by the rooms they created for their kids with full on life sized figures painted on the walls of their kids rooms. My husband is an excellent artist and I am pretty good with paint so he'll draw it all out for me and I'll use safe for pregnant mommy paints to create it. We're getting pretty excited doing research and taking strides to making her nursery a reality.
-the baby shower: my husband is the greatest and really wants to be involved. We had a lot of people offer to throw it for us, but I couldn't make a decision because of how big its going to be. We have a million family members and my husband really wants it to be a jack and jill party so all his guy friends can come too. Our obstacles are that it is going to be in the middle of winter (the end of January) and we need enough room for around 70 people, plus I thought it would be awesome to give the guys a 'cigar lounge' area while all the girly games are going on. So the venue needs to be indoor/outdoor. Luckily I have a lot of great people helping me and it should be an event to remember.
-a 5 year plan: we've been trying to figure out if we need to follow our dreams of living on the east coast or if we should stick around now that we're really starting a family. What we came up with is for the next 5 years we will stick around where we are so that family can surround our kids. We would like to start trying for baby #2 when Averie is around 6 months old. Obviously 2 young kids will be a lot to handle and we will need all the help we can get. Right now we're living rent free so we can save up for a house and moving across the country in our current financial situation wouldn't be favorable. However, in about 5 years my husband is hoping to have established himself enough in his industry that moving to the east coast would work in our favor.
-gifts and shopping: before I wouldn't let anyone give me anything because i was so superstitious that I just needed to get through the first 19 weeks. I didn't even buy anything besides the journal i write to her in... but even that only has a few entries. Now that we have passed all the scary stuff I've been enjoying all the adorable things out there for little girls. I have even bought a few jumpers for her and once i let it out that i was ok with moving forward so many of my friends and family have been giving me gifts for Averie. They are all so adorable I can't believe I ever had any reservations about it. With how much of them flooded in I almost feel like everyone was just waiting for the ok lol, and my favorite part is how excited everyone is, and how much love Averie has and she's only been in existence for 5 months. It warms my heart that she will have all these aunties to help her on her journey.
So I should probably explain how I learned a HUGE lesson this week. (Besides learning how to enjoy my pregnancy..) Like I said before, I've been plagued by all these silly irrational fears that it was almost like karma wanted to wake me up. So for the last week or so I've been feeling a TON of pressure right under my belly button and on my back. I figured it was just ligament pain at first but then it kept getting more intense. Instead of it bothering me when I leaned over it was hurting all the time. I was having trouble sleeping because of it even. So eventually I let this little fear plague me enough that I called the doctor.
At first they didn't seem too concerned so I figured it was all in my head. Then the help nurse told me that because of my history she will check with my dr and get back to me. About an hour later she called and said that my dr definitely wanted to see me sooner rather than later. I let them know to schedule it and call me back and I would make it work. Not even an hour later they called me back but this time the nurse was very urgent, she said "You need to get in here NOW, you're having symptoms of preterm labor" and once I heard that I went into panic mode. I asked if she was sure, and she told me to drop what I was doing and get there now.
Luckily I have an AMAZING boss who was super supportive of me having to leave high and dry in the middle of the work day and helped me get out of there as fast as I could. I drove like a maniac over there and went from trying to stay calm to hysterically crying. By the time I actually saw the dr i was a horrible crying mess. Now, all of this from phone call to seeing the dr was maybe 20 minutes but it felt like hours at the time. Once my dr figured out why I was so upset she got pissed- now let me say... my new dr is basically the real life version of Christina Yang from Grey's Anatomy.... no really she even had bad ass biker boots and was wearing all black... she told me she was going to go out there and scream at the nurse who scared the crap out of me.
She told me that she had suggested i come in and that she was happy to squeeze me in, and to come as soon as I could to make sure i wasn't having symptoms of preterm labor. She promised me I would never even have to see that nurse again on my visits to see her. I was relieved but still worried about what could be wrong. The dr explained that when you've had the surgery I have, you don't mess around with a pressure like feeling because I'm naturally a candidate for a weak cervix because of my past surgery. She check it first and said everything was perfect, she measured me and I got to listen to Averie's heart and she reassured me that everything was looking exactly as it should. She also told me that it's probably just ligament pain. I have experienced it before and it felt so different, and she kindly reminded me that I've never reached this far in pregnancy and that I was in for some new aches and pains and unless there was any spotting it wasn't anything to worry about. She told me that she's even seen people come in unable to walk because of ligament pain... which sounded a lot like what I was experiencing at night.
At the end of the visit she kept apologizing for scaring me and gave me her direct line to call her with any questions. She made me feel normal, like I wasn't a crazy person for being concerned but also let me know that I get to do the fun stuff now- that she was ordering me not to worry anymore. When i left all I could think was "thank you God" over and over. It was almost like he was telling me "oh... you want to worry like a crazy person all the time over nothing? Then I'll give you something to worry about to give you perspective/" The message was heard- and learned- loud and clear. I'm going to keep continuing on my normal pregnancy path and worrying about the same things all the other moms out there worry about, and reminding myself its ok... but there is no reason to go overboard.
But seriously... please don't be a giant baby!!!!!.... with a huge honker...
ok, really, i'm done I promise!
Ever sense our major fears have been ruled out for Averie I have found myself obsessing over all the small things that I'm told normal moms with normal pregnancies obsess over. I didn't understand why but all I could do was let these little things fill my mind- not enough to distract me from life- but these little worries kept popping up out of the blue. I started to remember the 1st chapter of Mommywood by Tori Spelling. I thought she was nuts when I was reading about her going on and on about seeing her son Liam's nose in a 4D ultrasound and fretting that he would get her 'pre-surgery honker'. (You can say what you want about her looks or her acting, but that woman LOVES her kids, and that makes me a fan of hers.) Now I kinda understand the mommy cray cray brain lol! Don't get me wrong, I don't let these little things ruin my day but I keep having these dreams that are almost validating my fears.
I keep having dreams that Averie is going to be a giant... my husband is 6 feet tall and I'm barely 5. I keep seeing myself in a hospital bed trying to push out this enormous baby and not being able to and then being rushed off to emergency surgery but I always wake up before I get to see if she's huge. I keep getting freaked out about her nose- we both have larger noses so I'll spend a few minutes a day consumed with fear that she'll have a huge nose and never grow into it. Realistically, both of us didn't come out with huge noses that we had to grow into lol, but it's just something that keeps popping in- and then out again.
I started to re-read Tori Spelling's book just to ease my own mind that I wasn't alone in my irrational fears and then I started to freak out because we had so many similar ones- the one that seems to make everyone laugh is about poop. Yes, I'm writing on my blog about poop. Tori and I both shared the same insane idea of 'what if I'm taking a poop and its a hard one and i have to push- wont the baby think it's time to come out!?' Obviously I have come to my senses but once these silly fears have passed I find them pretty funny. I know I can't be the only one out there with these same dumb fears.
It's like there's all this room in my brain now for all the little things now that all the big things have been relieved. It's kinda nice to know I'm going through what everyone else does. I've been able to really enjoy my pregnancy the last 2 weeks. Before I wouldn't let anyone buy anything for the baby or even talk about my baby shower... I really just wanted to take things by the day I was on but now I feel like I am finally comfortable enough that I've started to make plans for Averie. Thinks like-
-her room: we decided on an under the sea theme since the room she's going into is already a teal-ish blue... less work for mom and dad and my husband is in love with sea creatures, pus I've always loved mermaids... however I don't like Ariel so that's why we're hesitant to say its mermaid themed and we call it under the sea. My 'other parents' have set a great example by the rooms they created for their kids with full on life sized figures painted on the walls of their kids rooms. My husband is an excellent artist and I am pretty good with paint so he'll draw it all out for me and I'll use safe for pregnant mommy paints to create it. We're getting pretty excited doing research and taking strides to making her nursery a reality.
-the baby shower: my husband is the greatest and really wants to be involved. We had a lot of people offer to throw it for us, but I couldn't make a decision because of how big its going to be. We have a million family members and my husband really wants it to be a jack and jill party so all his guy friends can come too. Our obstacles are that it is going to be in the middle of winter (the end of January) and we need enough room for around 70 people, plus I thought it would be awesome to give the guys a 'cigar lounge' area while all the girly games are going on. So the venue needs to be indoor/outdoor. Luckily I have a lot of great people helping me and it should be an event to remember.
-a 5 year plan: we've been trying to figure out if we need to follow our dreams of living on the east coast or if we should stick around now that we're really starting a family. What we came up with is for the next 5 years we will stick around where we are so that family can surround our kids. We would like to start trying for baby #2 when Averie is around 6 months old. Obviously 2 young kids will be a lot to handle and we will need all the help we can get. Right now we're living rent free so we can save up for a house and moving across the country in our current financial situation wouldn't be favorable. However, in about 5 years my husband is hoping to have established himself enough in his industry that moving to the east coast would work in our favor.
-gifts and shopping: before I wouldn't let anyone give me anything because i was so superstitious that I just needed to get through the first 19 weeks. I didn't even buy anything besides the journal i write to her in... but even that only has a few entries. Now that we have passed all the scary stuff I've been enjoying all the adorable things out there for little girls. I have even bought a few jumpers for her and once i let it out that i was ok with moving forward so many of my friends and family have been giving me gifts for Averie. They are all so adorable I can't believe I ever had any reservations about it. With how much of them flooded in I almost feel like everyone was just waiting for the ok lol, and my favorite part is how excited everyone is, and how much love Averie has and she's only been in existence for 5 months. It warms my heart that she will have all these aunties to help her on her journey.
So I should probably explain how I learned a HUGE lesson this week. (Besides learning how to enjoy my pregnancy..) Like I said before, I've been plagued by all these silly irrational fears that it was almost like karma wanted to wake me up. So for the last week or so I've been feeling a TON of pressure right under my belly button and on my back. I figured it was just ligament pain at first but then it kept getting more intense. Instead of it bothering me when I leaned over it was hurting all the time. I was having trouble sleeping because of it even. So eventually I let this little fear plague me enough that I called the doctor.
At first they didn't seem too concerned so I figured it was all in my head. Then the help nurse told me that because of my history she will check with my dr and get back to me. About an hour later she called and said that my dr definitely wanted to see me sooner rather than later. I let them know to schedule it and call me back and I would make it work. Not even an hour later they called me back but this time the nurse was very urgent, she said "You need to get in here NOW, you're having symptoms of preterm labor" and once I heard that I went into panic mode. I asked if she was sure, and she told me to drop what I was doing and get there now.
Luckily I have an AMAZING boss who was super supportive of me having to leave high and dry in the middle of the work day and helped me get out of there as fast as I could. I drove like a maniac over there and went from trying to stay calm to hysterically crying. By the time I actually saw the dr i was a horrible crying mess. Now, all of this from phone call to seeing the dr was maybe 20 minutes but it felt like hours at the time. Once my dr figured out why I was so upset she got pissed- now let me say... my new dr is basically the real life version of Christina Yang from Grey's Anatomy.... no really she even had bad ass biker boots and was wearing all black... she told me she was going to go out there and scream at the nurse who scared the crap out of me.
She told me that she had suggested i come in and that she was happy to squeeze me in, and to come as soon as I could to make sure i wasn't having symptoms of preterm labor. She promised me I would never even have to see that nurse again on my visits to see her. I was relieved but still worried about what could be wrong. The dr explained that when you've had the surgery I have, you don't mess around with a pressure like feeling because I'm naturally a candidate for a weak cervix because of my past surgery. She check it first and said everything was perfect, she measured me and I got to listen to Averie's heart and she reassured me that everything was looking exactly as it should. She also told me that it's probably just ligament pain. I have experienced it before and it felt so different, and she kindly reminded me that I've never reached this far in pregnancy and that I was in for some new aches and pains and unless there was any spotting it wasn't anything to worry about. She told me that she's even seen people come in unable to walk because of ligament pain... which sounded a lot like what I was experiencing at night.
At the end of the visit she kept apologizing for scaring me and gave me her direct line to call her with any questions. She made me feel normal, like I wasn't a crazy person for being concerned but also let me know that I get to do the fun stuff now- that she was ordering me not to worry anymore. When i left all I could think was "thank you God" over and over. It was almost like he was telling me "oh... you want to worry like a crazy person all the time over nothing? Then I'll give you something to worry about to give you perspective/" The message was heard- and learned- loud and clear. I'm going to keep continuing on my normal pregnancy path and worrying about the same things all the other moms out there worry about, and reminding myself its ok... but there is no reason to go overboard.
But seriously... please don't be a giant baby!!!!!.... with a huge honker...
ok, really, i'm done I promise!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Moving On From 18
My horoscope today helped me to solidify the thoughts I've been having and helped me to figure out how to put them into words... Normally I don't put too much into horoscopes but I think they're fun and check mine now and then... today's gave me goosebumps how close it was to my life. Let me share:
"By proceeding stepwise, you can preserve the connection of the new (the future) with the old (the past) and allow one to gracefully transform into the other. You will find surprisingly little resistance using this approach, and expected roadblocks will likely fade away."
I've been struggling with the fact that my pregnancy is coming into uncharted territory. What I mean by that is up to this point (today actually) I have had something to compare this pregnancy to- my last one and there have been sad parts of that, but there was a comforting part too knowing what to expect and knowing what was coming.
Today is the exact point in my pregnancy where we had to say goodbye to Mason. 18 weeks and 2 days is all I got with him. I am of course thankful for each day with him and with this baby but I am full of emotions today. There were points in my day where I didn't think I could make it the rest of the day, where I had to hide my tears from those around me. Then there were points of the day that I was so happy and happy to be talking about Averie.
I realized last night what today would mark and my husband and I had a long talk about it. I worry that one day Averie will realize the timing between her and Mason's due date and feel like she shouldn't be here. Obviously I will do everything in my power to make sure this never happens but I just worry over these things sometimes. My husband is so optimistic and thinks my worries wont ever become a reality. We definitely want Averie to know that Mason is a part of her story but we don't want him to be this looming presence over her. I know he is right and my fears are because I have nothing else to worry about right now... one day I'll be worry free.... right?
I'm hoping the fact that there are no longer things for me to compare these pregnancies will help me to move on a little more and maybe I'll be able to allow myself to actually enjoy this pregnancy. I thought after last week when we were cleared from high risk that this week would be different, that I would be able to enjoy myself a little more but it just hasn't happened yet. I think I may be holding onto Mason more than I should or that I just cant turn my worrying brain off like I had hoped. I'm not really sure what the answer is but I feel like moving past 18.2 physically will help me move past it mentally too. That also makes me a little sad, I liked having what I felt like was a piece of him with me while I've gotten to this point. There is a part of me that doesn't want to move on in a sense... but I know its necessary in the healing process. So its a sad feeling knowing tomorrow I will wake up a day further away from him but a great feeling knowing I'll wake up a day closer to her....
My horoscope gave me hope that knowing that these 2 feelings can merge together and help me move forward, I just hope it's right: that the roadblocks I see ahead will actually fade away.
"By proceeding stepwise, you can preserve the connection of the new (the future) with the old (the past) and allow one to gracefully transform into the other. You will find surprisingly little resistance using this approach, and expected roadblocks will likely fade away."
I've been struggling with the fact that my pregnancy is coming into uncharted territory. What I mean by that is up to this point (today actually) I have had something to compare this pregnancy to- my last one and there have been sad parts of that, but there was a comforting part too knowing what to expect and knowing what was coming.
Today is the exact point in my pregnancy where we had to say goodbye to Mason. 18 weeks and 2 days is all I got with him. I am of course thankful for each day with him and with this baby but I am full of emotions today. There were points in my day where I didn't think I could make it the rest of the day, where I had to hide my tears from those around me. Then there were points of the day that I was so happy and happy to be talking about Averie.
I realized last night what today would mark and my husband and I had a long talk about it. I worry that one day Averie will realize the timing between her and Mason's due date and feel like she shouldn't be here. Obviously I will do everything in my power to make sure this never happens but I just worry over these things sometimes. My husband is so optimistic and thinks my worries wont ever become a reality. We definitely want Averie to know that Mason is a part of her story but we don't want him to be this looming presence over her. I know he is right and my fears are because I have nothing else to worry about right now... one day I'll be worry free.... right?
I'm hoping the fact that there are no longer things for me to compare these pregnancies will help me to move on a little more and maybe I'll be able to allow myself to actually enjoy this pregnancy. I thought after last week when we were cleared from high risk that this week would be different, that I would be able to enjoy myself a little more but it just hasn't happened yet. I think I may be holding onto Mason more than I should or that I just cant turn my worrying brain off like I had hoped. I'm not really sure what the answer is but I feel like moving past 18.2 physically will help me move past it mentally too. That also makes me a little sad, I liked having what I felt like was a piece of him with me while I've gotten to this point. There is a part of me that doesn't want to move on in a sense... but I know its necessary in the healing process. So its a sad feeling knowing tomorrow I will wake up a day further away from him but a great feeling knowing I'll wake up a day closer to her....
My horoscope gave me hope that knowing that these 2 feelings can merge together and help me move forward, I just hope it's right: that the roadblocks I see ahead will actually fade away.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sinking In
Today we had the much anticipated ultrasound that answered so many of our questions!!! I am thrilled to announce that we are expecting a baby girl! We have decided her name will be Averie Belle and we couldn't be more excited!!!
While this news is absolutely fantastic the BEST news was that we are no longer in the high risk category!!! We have been released to fully enjoy this pregnancy with no more worries (well mostly- we are approaching uncharted territory for me lol).
It's still not fully sunken in that everything is ok... I went into this appointment thinking no matter what we will take it and make it work. I had convinced myself that even if they found anything abnormal we would figure out a way to make it all work out. Luckily, they said everything looked absolutely perfect! I'm still having a hard time believing it, but I know it will sink in and I can let go of most of my fears. There is no magic want to wave and change your way of thinking after over a year of being fear obsessed and terrified, but I know it will come.
I should backtrack a little to answer some of the questions I got today... a lot of people wanted to know what was going through my mind when we heard it was a girl. Well, at first they said it may be a boy and once again this "aww man" escaped me before I could even stop it. My husband was mortified with me and i immediately felt ashamed for my initial reaction. Then as I was getting excited to tell everyone we were having a Logan Reilly the tech confirmed that it was actually a girl- her first guess was correct. Then the doctor came in to confirm and I immediately started crying. I almost didn't believe them that I get to have my Averie Belle.
I wish I could explain how and why I so badly wanted a girl, but i just did in my heart. I prayed for it, I put the vibes out there, I felt like it was a girl and I am so thankful to have been right and to have gotten what I've always dreamed for. So many of the kids in our families are guys- us girls are heavily out numbered and I just wanted one girl to know I could have a girl. I'll have 10 more and they can all be boys, I just really wanted one girl.
Then the doctor went over all my test results and told me that we have a 1 in 100,000 chance of the baby having triasomine 18 (forgive me if that's not written correctly) or downs. This is all good news. There were no traces of neural tube defects at all. I was trying to contain my emotions until she showed us a very clear image of the baby's spine and everything looked perfect. As soon as I saw it I knew we were going to be ok. It never occurred to me that I could make a healthy baby until I saw that gorgeous spine. I know that sounds silly, but I really was convinced that we were incapable of creating a problem-free child. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be wrong. It's simply magical.
The first thing we did was tell the people we knew we wanted to ask to be the baby's godparents. To our delight they both accepted right away and were absolutely thrilled. Then we called our parents to tell them the great news. They were all thrilled as well... I think they were all hoping for a girl as much as I was. Actually, I know my mom was haha she could hardly contain her preference in the weeks leading up to this appointment. Then we started texting people who have been right there with us along the way, and then we put up these pictures on our facebook and instagram accounts...
There are no words to describe how grateful my husband and I for all the people that already love our baby. We feel so blessed to know that everyone we love and care about are already showing support for our little Averie... it truly left us speechless... and me an overly emotional wreck! After everything we have been through in 2012, we are thrilled that this is how the year is ending... with all of our dreams coming true and with Mason watching over all of us.
While this news is absolutely fantastic the BEST news was that we are no longer in the high risk category!!! We have been released to fully enjoy this pregnancy with no more worries (well mostly- we are approaching uncharted territory for me lol).
It's still not fully sunken in that everything is ok... I went into this appointment thinking no matter what we will take it and make it work. I had convinced myself that even if they found anything abnormal we would figure out a way to make it all work out. Luckily, they said everything looked absolutely perfect! I'm still having a hard time believing it, but I know it will sink in and I can let go of most of my fears. There is no magic want to wave and change your way of thinking after over a year of being fear obsessed and terrified, but I know it will come.
I should backtrack a little to answer some of the questions I got today... a lot of people wanted to know what was going through my mind when we heard it was a girl. Well, at first they said it may be a boy and once again this "aww man" escaped me before I could even stop it. My husband was mortified with me and i immediately felt ashamed for my initial reaction. Then as I was getting excited to tell everyone we were having a Logan Reilly the tech confirmed that it was actually a girl- her first guess was correct. Then the doctor came in to confirm and I immediately started crying. I almost didn't believe them that I get to have my Averie Belle.
I wish I could explain how and why I so badly wanted a girl, but i just did in my heart. I prayed for it, I put the vibes out there, I felt like it was a girl and I am so thankful to have been right and to have gotten what I've always dreamed for. So many of the kids in our families are guys- us girls are heavily out numbered and I just wanted one girl to know I could have a girl. I'll have 10 more and they can all be boys, I just really wanted one girl.
Then the doctor went over all my test results and told me that we have a 1 in 100,000 chance of the baby having triasomine 18 (forgive me if that's not written correctly) or downs. This is all good news. There were no traces of neural tube defects at all. I was trying to contain my emotions until she showed us a very clear image of the baby's spine and everything looked perfect. As soon as I saw it I knew we were going to be ok. It never occurred to me that I could make a healthy baby until I saw that gorgeous spine. I know that sounds silly, but I really was convinced that we were incapable of creating a problem-free child. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be wrong. It's simply magical.
The first thing we did was tell the people we knew we wanted to ask to be the baby's godparents. To our delight they both accepted right away and were absolutely thrilled. Then we called our parents to tell them the great news. They were all thrilled as well... I think they were all hoping for a girl as much as I was. Actually, I know my mom was haha she could hardly contain her preference in the weeks leading up to this appointment. Then we started texting people who have been right there with us along the way, and then we put up these pictures on our facebook and instagram accounts...
There are no words to describe how grateful my husband and I for all the people that already love our baby. We feel so blessed to know that everyone we love and care about are already showing support for our little Averie... it truly left us speechless... and me an overly emotional wreck! After everything we have been through in 2012, we are thrilled that this is how the year is ending... with all of our dreams coming true and with Mason watching over all of us.
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