My horoscope today helped me to solidify the thoughts I've been having and helped me to figure out how to put them into words... Normally I don't put too much into horoscopes but I think they're fun and check mine now and then... today's gave me goosebumps how close it was to my life. Let me share:
"By proceeding stepwise, you can preserve the connection of the new (the future) with the old (the past) and allow one to gracefully transform into the other. You will find surprisingly little resistance using this approach, and expected roadblocks will likely fade away."
I've been struggling with the fact that my pregnancy is coming into uncharted territory. What I mean by that is up to this point (today actually) I have had something to compare this pregnancy to- my last one and there have been sad parts of that, but there was a comforting part too knowing what to expect and knowing what was coming.
Today is the exact point in my pregnancy where we had to say goodbye to Mason. 18 weeks and 2 days is all I got with him. I am of course thankful for each day with him and with this baby but I am full of emotions today. There were points in my day where I didn't think I could make it the rest of the day, where I had to hide my tears from those around me. Then there were points of the day that I was so happy and happy to be talking about Averie.
I realized last night what today would mark and my husband and I had a long talk about it. I worry that one day Averie will realize the timing between her and Mason's due date and feel like she shouldn't be here. Obviously I will do everything in my power to make sure this never happens but I just worry over these things sometimes. My husband is so optimistic and thinks my worries wont ever become a reality. We definitely want Averie to know that Mason is a part of her story but we don't want him to be this looming presence over her. I know he is right and my fears are because I have nothing else to worry about right now... one day I'll be worry free.... right?
I'm hoping the fact that there are no longer things for me to compare these pregnancies will help me to move on a little more and maybe I'll be able to allow myself to actually enjoy this pregnancy. I thought after last week when we were cleared from high risk that this week would be different, that I would be able to enjoy myself a little more but it just hasn't happened yet. I think I may be holding onto Mason more than I should or that I just cant turn my worrying brain off like I had hoped. I'm not really sure what the answer is but I feel like moving past 18.2 physically will help me move past it mentally too. That also makes me a little sad, I liked having what I felt like was a piece of him with me while I've gotten to this point. There is a part of me that doesn't want to move on in a sense... but I know its necessary in the healing process. So its a sad feeling knowing tomorrow I will wake up a day further away from him but a great feeling knowing I'll wake up a day closer to her....
My horoscope gave me hope that knowing that these 2 feelings can merge together and help me move forward, I just hope it's right: that the roadblocks I see ahead will actually fade away.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sinking In
Today we had the much anticipated ultrasound that answered so many of our questions!!! I am thrilled to announce that we are expecting a baby girl! We have decided her name will be Averie Belle and we couldn't be more excited!!!
While this news is absolutely fantastic the BEST news was that we are no longer in the high risk category!!! We have been released to fully enjoy this pregnancy with no more worries (well mostly- we are approaching uncharted territory for me lol).
It's still not fully sunken in that everything is ok... I went into this appointment thinking no matter what we will take it and make it work. I had convinced myself that even if they found anything abnormal we would figure out a way to make it all work out. Luckily, they said everything looked absolutely perfect! I'm still having a hard time believing it, but I know it will sink in and I can let go of most of my fears. There is no magic want to wave and change your way of thinking after over a year of being fear obsessed and terrified, but I know it will come.
I should backtrack a little to answer some of the questions I got today... a lot of people wanted to know what was going through my mind when we heard it was a girl. Well, at first they said it may be a boy and once again this "aww man" escaped me before I could even stop it. My husband was mortified with me and i immediately felt ashamed for my initial reaction. Then as I was getting excited to tell everyone we were having a Logan Reilly the tech confirmed that it was actually a girl- her first guess was correct. Then the doctor came in to confirm and I immediately started crying. I almost didn't believe them that I get to have my Averie Belle.
I wish I could explain how and why I so badly wanted a girl, but i just did in my heart. I prayed for it, I put the vibes out there, I felt like it was a girl and I am so thankful to have been right and to have gotten what I've always dreamed for. So many of the kids in our families are guys- us girls are heavily out numbered and I just wanted one girl to know I could have a girl. I'll have 10 more and they can all be boys, I just really wanted one girl.
Then the doctor went over all my test results and told me that we have a 1 in 100,000 chance of the baby having triasomine 18 (forgive me if that's not written correctly) or downs. This is all good news. There were no traces of neural tube defects at all. I was trying to contain my emotions until she showed us a very clear image of the baby's spine and everything looked perfect. As soon as I saw it I knew we were going to be ok. It never occurred to me that I could make a healthy baby until I saw that gorgeous spine. I know that sounds silly, but I really was convinced that we were incapable of creating a problem-free child. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be wrong. It's simply magical.
The first thing we did was tell the people we knew we wanted to ask to be the baby's godparents. To our delight they both accepted right away and were absolutely thrilled. Then we called our parents to tell them the great news. They were all thrilled as well... I think they were all hoping for a girl as much as I was. Actually, I know my mom was haha she could hardly contain her preference in the weeks leading up to this appointment. Then we started texting people who have been right there with us along the way, and then we put up these pictures on our facebook and instagram accounts...
There are no words to describe how grateful my husband and I for all the people that already love our baby. We feel so blessed to know that everyone we love and care about are already showing support for our little Averie... it truly left us speechless... and me an overly emotional wreck! After everything we have been through in 2012, we are thrilled that this is how the year is ending... with all of our dreams coming true and with Mason watching over all of us.
While this news is absolutely fantastic the BEST news was that we are no longer in the high risk category!!! We have been released to fully enjoy this pregnancy with no more worries (well mostly- we are approaching uncharted territory for me lol).
It's still not fully sunken in that everything is ok... I went into this appointment thinking no matter what we will take it and make it work. I had convinced myself that even if they found anything abnormal we would figure out a way to make it all work out. Luckily, they said everything looked absolutely perfect! I'm still having a hard time believing it, but I know it will sink in and I can let go of most of my fears. There is no magic want to wave and change your way of thinking after over a year of being fear obsessed and terrified, but I know it will come.
I should backtrack a little to answer some of the questions I got today... a lot of people wanted to know what was going through my mind when we heard it was a girl. Well, at first they said it may be a boy and once again this "aww man" escaped me before I could even stop it. My husband was mortified with me and i immediately felt ashamed for my initial reaction. Then as I was getting excited to tell everyone we were having a Logan Reilly the tech confirmed that it was actually a girl- her first guess was correct. Then the doctor came in to confirm and I immediately started crying. I almost didn't believe them that I get to have my Averie Belle.
I wish I could explain how and why I so badly wanted a girl, but i just did in my heart. I prayed for it, I put the vibes out there, I felt like it was a girl and I am so thankful to have been right and to have gotten what I've always dreamed for. So many of the kids in our families are guys- us girls are heavily out numbered and I just wanted one girl to know I could have a girl. I'll have 10 more and they can all be boys, I just really wanted one girl.
Then the doctor went over all my test results and told me that we have a 1 in 100,000 chance of the baby having triasomine 18 (forgive me if that's not written correctly) or downs. This is all good news. There were no traces of neural tube defects at all. I was trying to contain my emotions until she showed us a very clear image of the baby's spine and everything looked perfect. As soon as I saw it I knew we were going to be ok. It never occurred to me that I could make a healthy baby until I saw that gorgeous spine. I know that sounds silly, but I really was convinced that we were incapable of creating a problem-free child. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be wrong. It's simply magical.
The first thing we did was tell the people we knew we wanted to ask to be the baby's godparents. To our delight they both accepted right away and were absolutely thrilled. Then we called our parents to tell them the great news. They were all thrilled as well... I think they were all hoping for a girl as much as I was. Actually, I know my mom was haha she could hardly contain her preference in the weeks leading up to this appointment. Then we started texting people who have been right there with us along the way, and then we put up these pictures on our facebook and instagram accounts...
There are no words to describe how grateful my husband and I for all the people that already love our baby. We feel so blessed to know that everyone we love and care about are already showing support for our little Averie... it truly left us speechless... and me an overly emotional wreck! After everything we have been through in 2012, we are thrilled that this is how the year is ending... with all of our dreams coming true and with Mason watching over all of us.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Appointments
With all my focus surrounding this upcoming Tuesday's ultrasound I forgot to update on what has been going on with me physically. This pregnancy has been really different from my last, and while I have spent a significant amount of time feeling perfectly healthy I have lost more and more weight than I did with Mason, which is strange to me since I could keep nothing down for months.
Before I got pregnant with Mason I was over 150lbs (which is a lot for this 5'0 girl) and I lost 20lbs with him. In the months after he left us I put a lot of effort into Operation Baby Farm... and that included putting more effort into improving my eating habits and increasing my exercise routine. I have kept to both of those even after I learned I was pregnant. I understand that women have cravings while pregnant, but I don't think turning into a garbage disposal is appropriate for me. So I make an effort that if i am going to indulge it isn't in large amounts. I also get full really quickly so I haven't had much success finishing any meals. The perk to that is I am hungry again in a few hours so I guess it's good for my metabolism.
I was at the point of exercising a few times a week while being mindful of what I ate (for the most part-not trying to claim to be perfect here) and I have continued to lose weight each week. I only use the scale in my bathroom. In fact, I completely ignore the one at the doctors office because it is always different than what my constant scale at home says. I'm a big believer in sticking to one scale when you are being mindful of the ups and downs of your weight. According to my scale I've lost about 15-20 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. It's weird because everywhere else is slimming down but my belly has swollen up to make me look further along than I actually am. I wonder what I would look like without my belly and how skinny I would actually look.
I can't say I'm hating it, because when I first started gaining weight I focused on how my jawline would disappear and I finally have my jaw line back! I was worried though that my baby was somehow suffering from all the weight loss but my doctors kept reassuring me that I am just living healthy while many women use pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything and gain way more. So I felt confident I was making the right decisions.
Then the last few weeks I've been having really horrible migraines. Migraines are something I've been suffering with in my entire adult life, but pregnancy has been known to make headaches more intense. I finally got a chance to go into the doctors after not sleeping for almost 30 hours to try and get some answers. They told me it was ok to take vicodin- something I had been avoiding because I thought it would be bad for the baby. The dr insisted that not doing anything, not sleeping and not being able to keep any food down for days on end would do worse than taking a vicodin. (My migraines usually make me sick to my stomach even without the help of pregnancy hormones and this latest one was no different.)
My dr also suggested that I see a neurologist just to make sure everything looks ok. The other thing she did voice concern with was my weight loss which totally took me by surprise since they just spent months telling me not to worry about it. She isn't so concerned that she wanted to take drastic measures- my head always seems to go there- but she wanted me to see a specialist to make sure that I am getting what I need to. She explained that no matter what I put in my body the baby gets it first and I basically get what's left over. She was more worried that I was suffering... which I didn't get. My first instinct is if the baby is fine then who the heck cares about me? I know that isn't the most rational way of thinking but its how my brain was working at the time.
I knew I was being healthy, and my dr knows I am being healthy... so why do i have to see a specialist? I'm a little nervous about it, but as I think more and more about it I'm excited to see what they suggest. I got a juicer from a friend and have been researching recipes (and have failed at a few attempts) because I figured it was the best way to get nutrition into me in the morning while I am going through morning sickness. Yes, at 16 weeks I am still feeling the morning sickness but it's a walk in the park compared to what I went through with Mason so I try not to complain. I'm trying to look at these upcoming appointments with optimism because really I just don't have any room in my brain for anything else.
So now I go back to being consumed by counting down the days until Tuesday, but as always, I will keep you all informed on how these turn out.
3 MORE DAYS!!!!!
Before I got pregnant with Mason I was over 150lbs (which is a lot for this 5'0 girl) and I lost 20lbs with him. In the months after he left us I put a lot of effort into Operation Baby Farm... and that included putting more effort into improving my eating habits and increasing my exercise routine. I have kept to both of those even after I learned I was pregnant. I understand that women have cravings while pregnant, but I don't think turning into a garbage disposal is appropriate for me. So I make an effort that if i am going to indulge it isn't in large amounts. I also get full really quickly so I haven't had much success finishing any meals. The perk to that is I am hungry again in a few hours so I guess it's good for my metabolism.
I was at the point of exercising a few times a week while being mindful of what I ate (for the most part-not trying to claim to be perfect here) and I have continued to lose weight each week. I only use the scale in my bathroom. In fact, I completely ignore the one at the doctors office because it is always different than what my constant scale at home says. I'm a big believer in sticking to one scale when you are being mindful of the ups and downs of your weight. According to my scale I've lost about 15-20 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. It's weird because everywhere else is slimming down but my belly has swollen up to make me look further along than I actually am. I wonder what I would look like without my belly and how skinny I would actually look.
I can't say I'm hating it, because when I first started gaining weight I focused on how my jawline would disappear and I finally have my jaw line back! I was worried though that my baby was somehow suffering from all the weight loss but my doctors kept reassuring me that I am just living healthy while many women use pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything and gain way more. So I felt confident I was making the right decisions.
Then the last few weeks I've been having really horrible migraines. Migraines are something I've been suffering with in my entire adult life, but pregnancy has been known to make headaches more intense. I finally got a chance to go into the doctors after not sleeping for almost 30 hours to try and get some answers. They told me it was ok to take vicodin- something I had been avoiding because I thought it would be bad for the baby. The dr insisted that not doing anything, not sleeping and not being able to keep any food down for days on end would do worse than taking a vicodin. (My migraines usually make me sick to my stomach even without the help of pregnancy hormones and this latest one was no different.)
My dr also suggested that I see a neurologist just to make sure everything looks ok. The other thing she did voice concern with was my weight loss which totally took me by surprise since they just spent months telling me not to worry about it. She isn't so concerned that she wanted to take drastic measures- my head always seems to go there- but she wanted me to see a specialist to make sure that I am getting what I need to. She explained that no matter what I put in my body the baby gets it first and I basically get what's left over. She was more worried that I was suffering... which I didn't get. My first instinct is if the baby is fine then who the heck cares about me? I know that isn't the most rational way of thinking but its how my brain was working at the time.
I knew I was being healthy, and my dr knows I am being healthy... so why do i have to see a specialist? I'm a little nervous about it, but as I think more and more about it I'm excited to see what they suggest. I got a juicer from a friend and have been researching recipes (and have failed at a few attempts) because I figured it was the best way to get nutrition into me in the morning while I am going through morning sickness. Yes, at 16 weeks I am still feeling the morning sickness but it's a walk in the park compared to what I went through with Mason so I try not to complain. I'm trying to look at these upcoming appointments with optimism because really I just don't have any room in my brain for anything else.
So now I go back to being consumed by counting down the days until Tuesday, but as always, I will keep you all informed on how these turn out.
3 MORE DAYS!!!!!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Full Circle
We have officially come full circle in our baby journey. At this point last time I had just taken my 2nd trimester genetic screening tests and a few days later I got a phone call saying we tested high for neural tube defects. Then I spent a week waiting for my appointment that would change our lives forever.
A few days ago I took the tests for the 2nd trimester screening again. This time is a little different... I didn't get a call a few days later revealing anything, but I still have to wait a week to go in for our level 2 ultrasound. At this point last time i was doing everything BUT writing or talking about it, and I figured this time I should try to do things differently. This ultrasound is really important... normally women get to go in at 20 weeks to find out the sex of their baby... this ultrasound is a level 2 for post test results, my "20 week" (that's in quotes because I'll only be 17 weeks at that point) and my pre-transfer check up.
Lets go through each one and why they are significant....
1. Level 2 and results... this is the part I'm having the hardest time dealing with. I can't help but feel like I did last time... like I am stuck waiting to see which way my life will go. Something is different this time though.. with Mason i saw all of it. I saw the future where I had to explain to people what was going on and what was going to happen. I could see us telling my parents, I could see myself stuck in bed with depression. I saw it all... this time I don't see anything. I'm not sure how to take it.... I'm not sure if its my brain trying to help me with self-preservation or if the small part of me that believes that unexplained things can happen and I can't see anything because there isn't anything to see.
It's so hard to let myself get excited, it has been the whole time. I get moments where I feel completely lucky and blessed and let myself go... but there are more moments where I feel like I can't get excited until I know everything's ok. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, and there is a love that I can't even begin to describe... but I have a hard time making any plans for the future because I feel like I just can't yet.
2. 20 week ultrasound at 17 weeks. I am hoping more than anything that we will be able to see the sex of the baby. I don't know why but I feel like even if there is something wrong, i just NEED to know if there is an Averie or a Logan in my belly. It's just this overwhelming need that I must know. I don't know why... and it should probably be analyzed by a professional at some point lol but it's just very important to me to know. I am a little nervous because we are doing this appointment 3 weeks early (at the dr's insistence) that the baby won't be in a position where we will be able to tell. All things considered... I guess I would find a way to be ok with it.
3. Transferring hospitals. My insurance is in a contract dispute with the hospital I had originally planned to deliver at. Which also means I need to transfer doctors offices because my current one only delivers at the now off-limits hospital. I am nervous that this new location won't know me like my current one does. The only good thing is that it's the same group of doctors so I don't have to do any additional work- all my files and my entire history stays in the same database. I've gotten better about talking about what we have been through, but I know that first appointment will be difficult.
I know i have to face all of these things, and I know that I can. See, the one thing I know about myself now is that I can do anything. I can get through anything, especially with my husband by my side but even knowing these things... it's so hard not to be scared. I want to be brave for this baby, and I want to have positive thoughts and energy and prayers out there but there are moments... like right now... that I don't want to be brave. I want to just be scared and stay in bed and allow myself to go through these feelings, because I know what happens when you don't. I never want to hide in my fear again, and this blog... my friends... my family... my husband... they make going through this, and living outside my fears possible. So maybe my circle is actually broken because I feel like things could be different this time... but for now, we wait.
7 days.
A few days ago I took the tests for the 2nd trimester screening again. This time is a little different... I didn't get a call a few days later revealing anything, but I still have to wait a week to go in for our level 2 ultrasound. At this point last time i was doing everything BUT writing or talking about it, and I figured this time I should try to do things differently. This ultrasound is really important... normally women get to go in at 20 weeks to find out the sex of their baby... this ultrasound is a level 2 for post test results, my "20 week" (that's in quotes because I'll only be 17 weeks at that point) and my pre-transfer check up.
Lets go through each one and why they are significant....
1. Level 2 and results... this is the part I'm having the hardest time dealing with. I can't help but feel like I did last time... like I am stuck waiting to see which way my life will go. Something is different this time though.. with Mason i saw all of it. I saw the future where I had to explain to people what was going on and what was going to happen. I could see us telling my parents, I could see myself stuck in bed with depression. I saw it all... this time I don't see anything. I'm not sure how to take it.... I'm not sure if its my brain trying to help me with self-preservation or if the small part of me that believes that unexplained things can happen and I can't see anything because there isn't anything to see.
It's so hard to let myself get excited, it has been the whole time. I get moments where I feel completely lucky and blessed and let myself go... but there are more moments where I feel like I can't get excited until I know everything's ok. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, and there is a love that I can't even begin to describe... but I have a hard time making any plans for the future because I feel like I just can't yet.
2. 20 week ultrasound at 17 weeks. I am hoping more than anything that we will be able to see the sex of the baby. I don't know why but I feel like even if there is something wrong, i just NEED to know if there is an Averie or a Logan in my belly. It's just this overwhelming need that I must know. I don't know why... and it should probably be analyzed by a professional at some point lol but it's just very important to me to know. I am a little nervous because we are doing this appointment 3 weeks early (at the dr's insistence) that the baby won't be in a position where we will be able to tell. All things considered... I guess I would find a way to be ok with it.
3. Transferring hospitals. My insurance is in a contract dispute with the hospital I had originally planned to deliver at. Which also means I need to transfer doctors offices because my current one only delivers at the now off-limits hospital. I am nervous that this new location won't know me like my current one does. The only good thing is that it's the same group of doctors so I don't have to do any additional work- all my files and my entire history stays in the same database. I've gotten better about talking about what we have been through, but I know that first appointment will be difficult.
I know i have to face all of these things, and I know that I can. See, the one thing I know about myself now is that I can do anything. I can get through anything, especially with my husband by my side but even knowing these things... it's so hard not to be scared. I want to be brave for this baby, and I want to have positive thoughts and energy and prayers out there but there are moments... like right now... that I don't want to be brave. I want to just be scared and stay in bed and allow myself to go through these feelings, because I know what happens when you don't. I never want to hide in my fear again, and this blog... my friends... my family... my husband... they make going through this, and living outside my fears possible. So maybe my circle is actually broken because I feel like things could be different this time... but for now, we wait.
7 days.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Making Moves
There has been lots of construction going on at our place... this is one of the reasons we moved in with my parents, to help them with this process. That also means lots of shuffling things around to accommodate mess as the mess moves. A few days ago I was cleaning our room trying to maximize space and came across the journal I purchased for this baby right after I found out I was pregnant and realized that I still haven't written in it. I'm not really sure what it was that I was waiting for... I think maybe to make sure all the tests came back normal. There are still days when I don't feel pregnant at all and I forget that I am (I know that sounds bizarre) but this pregnancy is SO different that the way I'm feeling isn't forced on me at all times... hopefully that makes sense.
I started to think about the box full of Mason's things that was sitting in the garage in a stupid Home Depot box and it just didn't sit well with me. I went out and got a box that I could keep inside that would blend in with our decor and I could get to it easily if I ever wanted. I took out the journal for Mason and realized that the last time I wrote to him was in January. It kind of took me by surprise because I find myself having little conversations with him (no i don't hear voices- you can keep the straitjacket at bay for now) and I feel connected to him every day that it didn't even occur to me to write in his journal.
I've been staring at both of these journals knowing I should write in them and I just kept putting it off. Nothing against my husband but I always wrote in Mason's when I was alone and lately we have had most nights together so the time just wasn't right. I knew today that he had to work late and thought it would be a good idea for me to try. So, I sat and stared at both of them for a while... not really knowing where to start. I worry that this baby will feel like the only reason it's here is because Mason isn't and that kills me. I want this baby to know how much we want it and love it and are so happy that it came to us- no matter how unexpected- and what a blessing he or she is.
Finally, I put on my big girl panties and started writing. I thanked Mason for watching over all of us and for him helping me learn and grow into the person I want to be for my children. I thanked him for everything he has taught me so far, and for the feeling I get sometimes when I know everything is going to be ok. I told him to watch over his brother or sister and I promised him that they would know who he was and how he is a part of their story.
Then I started my first entry in the new journal. I started off telling the baby how loved it is and how excited everyone we know is. I also apologized for taking so long to write to them... that it was hard to figure out where to begin. I wrote about me and my husband and our story (the easy part) and then I started on the harder part- of explaining everything about Mason and that one day he or she could read Mason's journal if they wanted, but that was up to them. That Mason's story doesn't have to be all of theirs, but understanding that he is a piece of it. Since I made a point in Mason's journal to talk about how he was planned I wanted to let this baby know that while they arrived a little ahead of plan, it wasn't a mistake- i wanted them to know that they were the best surprise we could have ever asked for.
Then I started to move Mason's things from the stupid Home Depot box into his box. It was easier than I thought it would be, probably because it felt right. Of course there were some tears shed, but more from me not wanting to put the journal in the box yet. I just stood there and held it and allowed those few moments to feel whatever it was that I was feeling and to let out the tears I had been holding in while I was writing. When I was done I felt lucky to have these physical things that I could touch and see whenever I wanted. I know that for some, this isn't a luxury they have and I felt very grateful in that moment for these items... and I decided to share them, because sharing our story has helped me heal and if I can help someone else out there in the process, that's the best thing that can come out of my experiences.
And this is where it will reside while we live in this house. One day when we have a house of our own we will keep it somewhere like the living room where we can easily get to it... I just never want it to be stored in a closet or something. Right next to it is the new baby's journal... I know it sounds corny but I just wanted them to be near each other. Right now I can see it in from my bed and right when I walk into the room and after having it there for just a few hours I already feel better. I feel better knowing it's there and that I can get to it easily, and it also feels like some weight has been lifted after writing in both journals.
I feel proud to have gotten through something that I thought would be hard, that ended up making me feel better than when I started.
I started to think about the box full of Mason's things that was sitting in the garage in a stupid Home Depot box and it just didn't sit well with me. I went out and got a box that I could keep inside that would blend in with our decor and I could get to it easily if I ever wanted. I took out the journal for Mason and realized that the last time I wrote to him was in January. It kind of took me by surprise because I find myself having little conversations with him (no i don't hear voices- you can keep the straitjacket at bay for now) and I feel connected to him every day that it didn't even occur to me to write in his journal.
I've been staring at both of these journals knowing I should write in them and I just kept putting it off. Nothing against my husband but I always wrote in Mason's when I was alone and lately we have had most nights together so the time just wasn't right. I knew today that he had to work late and thought it would be a good idea for me to try. So, I sat and stared at both of them for a while... not really knowing where to start. I worry that this baby will feel like the only reason it's here is because Mason isn't and that kills me. I want this baby to know how much we want it and love it and are so happy that it came to us- no matter how unexpected- and what a blessing he or she is.
Finally, I put on my big girl panties and started writing. I thanked Mason for watching over all of us and for him helping me learn and grow into the person I want to be for my children. I thanked him for everything he has taught me so far, and for the feeling I get sometimes when I know everything is going to be ok. I told him to watch over his brother or sister and I promised him that they would know who he was and how he is a part of their story.
Then I started my first entry in the new journal. I started off telling the baby how loved it is and how excited everyone we know is. I also apologized for taking so long to write to them... that it was hard to figure out where to begin. I wrote about me and my husband and our story (the easy part) and then I started on the harder part- of explaining everything about Mason and that one day he or she could read Mason's journal if they wanted, but that was up to them. That Mason's story doesn't have to be all of theirs, but understanding that he is a piece of it. Since I made a point in Mason's journal to talk about how he was planned I wanted to let this baby know that while they arrived a little ahead of plan, it wasn't a mistake- i wanted them to know that they were the best surprise we could have ever asked for.
Then I started to move Mason's things from the stupid Home Depot box into his box. It was easier than I thought it would be, probably because it felt right. Of course there were some tears shed, but more from me not wanting to put the journal in the box yet. I just stood there and held it and allowed those few moments to feel whatever it was that I was feeling and to let out the tears I had been holding in while I was writing. When I was done I felt lucky to have these physical things that I could touch and see whenever I wanted. I know that for some, this isn't a luxury they have and I felt very grateful in that moment for these items... and I decided to share them, because sharing our story has helped me heal and if I can help someone else out there in the process, that's the best thing that can come out of my experiences.
There are only a few things in here. We made an effort to only put the things that were specifically give to us or bought for Mason. We have:
-A Dr outfit and sneakers we were going to bring him home from the hospital in
-A burp cloth and matching beanie covered in duckies (we were going to go for an animal theme)
-A cream colored hand made blanket my sister in law (to show support of us not wanting to find out the sex initially)
-Mason's journal, of course
-The giraffe I slept with that my mom got me after we lost Mason... I just feel like it should be with him.
And this is where it will reside while we live in this house. One day when we have a house of our own we will keep it somewhere like the living room where we can easily get to it... I just never want it to be stored in a closet or something. Right next to it is the new baby's journal... I know it sounds corny but I just wanted them to be near each other. Right now I can see it in from my bed and right when I walk into the room and after having it there for just a few hours I already feel better. I feel better knowing it's there and that I can get to it easily, and it also feels like some weight has been lifted after writing in both journals.
I feel proud to have gotten through something that I thought would be hard, that ended up making me feel better than when I started.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Foundations
Last Saturday I spent my evening at my best friend's side during the Lauren's Ride kickoff dinner. I wrote about the event in my last blog, I also included links to get more information on the non-profit to get my best friend an adapted vehicle. You can re-fresh your mind on the cause here it was amazing to sit in a room absolutely full of people all with the same goal: to get my girl Lauren a ride and some much needed (and deserved) independence.
I was blown away by her bother John's speech describing his journey through this process and his anxious energy about starting his bicycle journey across the country. I was impressed with his mother's words of encouragement and the love she showed for her two kids. I was even more taken and lets face it, inspired by Lauren who took the room in her hands and basically made us all putty... i think the world of her- I mean she IS my best friend after all- but she can command a room like no one else, and she had us all captivated with every word that came out of her mouth. I was so inspired that I went home and was literally buzzing with positive energy.
They are still trying to figure out how much they raised at the dinner, for sure they made thousands... and there was a hint of being in the double digits... i seriously can't wait to find out how we did... i was taken aback by the generosity in that room and my heart was so full... i don't know how to describe it, i truly felt like i was part of something important and my only job of the night was to sit with Lauren ;) it's just amazing to me what people can accomplish when they work together.
I've been trying to figure out what my next step is... see, I was so inspired by the dinner that I thought more seriously than before about my idea for a foundation for women like me. I couldn't believe when we were being faced with the toughest decision of our lives, we also had to figure out a way to come up with $6,000 in a days notice. The alternative would have been to just wait for the second trimester miscarriage or even worse early labor... all the while my son being in pain.
I still get emotional thinking about telling my dad what insurance had said, and without even a minute going by he told us not to worry about it, that he would take care of the cost. When we tried to pay him back, he wouldn't let us... he was perfectly fine being our hero. My parent's aren't made of money, I don't remember ever struggling growing up but I know that dropping $6000 was not an easy task. I still don't know how he did it or where he got it from but that day he was Mason's angel.
I want to be someone's angel.
I want women like me who are given an impossible choice and only want to do what is best for their children to have someone to turn to when insurance deems them unfit. I want couples like us to be able to have options and have one less thing to worry about. I remember i posted on facebook that i wanted to start a foundation for couples who are ready to start trying again, that sent them on vacation somewhere so they could reconnect and not have the pressure on. So many of my friends were supportive, and it made me think of all the people like me who didn't have that same support. I want to be all of these things, but I'm not really educated on how to start things like this.
I am scared though, that people will take what I want to do into a negative context. I don't want to be seen as someone who promotes the 'easy way out' (like some have told me) or anything like that. I know I'm not alone, I know there are women out there who have been in the same situation as us, and just wanted to do what they felt was right for their child. I want to be the person they can turn to and I want to be able to help them. It's just something I've been thinking about for some time but after seeing John and Lauren's idea become a reality... well it's hard not to be inspired to try and add more compassion and love to the world.
I'll be doing research, and maybe one of my future blogs will have more insight. Mason changed me in so many ways, I want to make him proud of his mommy and maybe this is one way I can.
I was blown away by her bother John's speech describing his journey through this process and his anxious energy about starting his bicycle journey across the country. I was impressed with his mother's words of encouragement and the love she showed for her two kids. I was even more taken and lets face it, inspired by Lauren who took the room in her hands and basically made us all putty... i think the world of her- I mean she IS my best friend after all- but she can command a room like no one else, and she had us all captivated with every word that came out of her mouth. I was so inspired that I went home and was literally buzzing with positive energy.
They are still trying to figure out how much they raised at the dinner, for sure they made thousands... and there was a hint of being in the double digits... i seriously can't wait to find out how we did... i was taken aback by the generosity in that room and my heart was so full... i don't know how to describe it, i truly felt like i was part of something important and my only job of the night was to sit with Lauren ;) it's just amazing to me what people can accomplish when they work together.
I've been trying to figure out what my next step is... see, I was so inspired by the dinner that I thought more seriously than before about my idea for a foundation for women like me. I couldn't believe when we were being faced with the toughest decision of our lives, we also had to figure out a way to come up with $6,000 in a days notice. The alternative would have been to just wait for the second trimester miscarriage or even worse early labor... all the while my son being in pain.
I still get emotional thinking about telling my dad what insurance had said, and without even a minute going by he told us not to worry about it, that he would take care of the cost. When we tried to pay him back, he wouldn't let us... he was perfectly fine being our hero. My parent's aren't made of money, I don't remember ever struggling growing up but I know that dropping $6000 was not an easy task. I still don't know how he did it or where he got it from but that day he was Mason's angel.
I want to be someone's angel.
I want women like me who are given an impossible choice and only want to do what is best for their children to have someone to turn to when insurance deems them unfit. I want couples like us to be able to have options and have one less thing to worry about. I remember i posted on facebook that i wanted to start a foundation for couples who are ready to start trying again, that sent them on vacation somewhere so they could reconnect and not have the pressure on. So many of my friends were supportive, and it made me think of all the people like me who didn't have that same support. I want to be all of these things, but I'm not really educated on how to start things like this.
I am scared though, that people will take what I want to do into a negative context. I don't want to be seen as someone who promotes the 'easy way out' (like some have told me) or anything like that. I know I'm not alone, I know there are women out there who have been in the same situation as us, and just wanted to do what they felt was right for their child. I want to be the person they can turn to and I want to be able to help them. It's just something I've been thinking about for some time but after seeing John and Lauren's idea become a reality... well it's hard not to be inspired to try and add more compassion and love to the world.
I'll be doing research, and maybe one of my future blogs will have more insight. Mason changed me in so many ways, I want to make him proud of his mommy and maybe this is one way I can.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
A Cluster Update
It's been weeks since I've been able to update... which is a good thing, because I am pretty busy... but then a bad thing because I (sometimes) pre-plan blogs and the other topics occur to me and it seems like too much time goes by before I can get them all out. So I decided to write one blog with all the things that have been swirling around in my head the last few weeks... and a few life updates as well.
Lets start with the most recent. I had my 12 week appointment with the Family Medical Foundation that deals with all the prenatal screening I did 2 weeks ago. I wrote about it in my previous post, and had to wait 2 whole weeks- patience is not one of my strenghts- and they did an ultrasound to do a test called Neuchal Translucency. Basically they look for the fluid behind the neck and measure it and if its a certain size then there are more tests to do. I have good news here: all my prenatal screening came back normal as well as the NT test. We even go to see the baby moving around like crazy and stretching. The ultrasound tech even said if she had to guess she thinks we are having a girl. She made sure to tell us its too soon to be sure and made us promise not to go out and by anything but it did cause us to try to nail down a girls name.
If its a boy, we are going to name him Logan Reilly (Reilly is my husband's middle name too) and if its a girl I am really torn between Averie Belle (I just really love Beauty and the Beast) and Aubrie Kira (Kira is my middle name) we even took to facebook to ask our friends to help, but it came back pretty much down the middle. We keep yelling the names to see if they sound right and I'm constantly saying them in my head to see if something feels more comfortable... hopefully we will have a decision soon... i like things to be planned out and set well in advance.
Today is our 2 year secret anniversary. We eloped to Reno and got married 6 months before our huge wedding. I wrote about it in a previous post here We have talked about celebrating our wedding anniversary on today's date in case the baby decides to be born a day late... so for some reason we felt the need to start today... my husband and i sent sweet texts to each other all day (our schedules were sadly completely opposite today). Last year we went on a date to acknowledge the date, but this year I think we're just happy enough being in a good place, nothing else really needs to happen.
A few months ago a very good friend of my suffered a miscarriage. Another good friend of mine is currently going through one as well. I really think if I hadn't experienced everything with Mason these two people, while we obviously care about each other, might not have let me in on what was going on and their feelings surrounding it. Of course we would all like to think our friends would be there for us no matter what but sometimes, like in these situations, its hard to know who to open up to. I've been feeling lately that the reason I went through all this, was to help others going through similar situations. I am not trying to toot my own horn, obviously my input would not make or break their grieving and healing process... but it does make me uniquely qualified to have some understanding of what is going on. I feel honored that these women feel like they can talk to me, even if I don't feel like I'm really helping.. I carry a hope that being able to ask me questions or compare our experiences helps them in some way.
I have prayed about this for so long, and I really think God put me here specifically to help someone else through things like this. Kind of like a right time/right place thing but more like a right person/right understanding situation. I have moments where I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be for a reason... and when these incredible women are opening up to me, i feel it the most, and its such a humbling experience and I'm so thankful and grateful.
There are also people that I think I was meant to meet, people that have changed my life for the better with their unique understanding of the situations I've been in. One of those people is my best friend. Normally on my blog of 6000+ readers a month I try to at least keep anonymity for those around me (besides my husband haha) but this time I wanted to share something with my readers because they can make a difference... My best friend Lauren is a quadriplegic who is ready to transfer colleges and start making a difference. She is going to change the world one day, but she needs a car to be able to do so. Her brother, John, is riding his bike from the San Francisco Bridge to the Brooklyn Bridge in an attempt to raise money to buy his sister an adapted vehicle.
Lauren is one of those people that always puts others before herself, she is incredibly kind, and one of the most intuitive people I have ever met. She's one of those people that really sees who you are and embraces you, flaws and all. I've known her for over 10 years and we have been so blessed to have her in our life. She was going to be Mason's god mother because I couldn't think of anyone else I wanted my children to learn about life from.
I could go on and on about her and her heroic brother and the ride that kicks off on September 9th, but you can also go to their website and learn more for yourself. You can even visit the media page and see some articles I've written for the the Newark Patch or go here for a direct link to the blogs I've written for their cause. Check out their page, like them on their facebook, and spread the word. Even if you donate $10 it makes a world of difference to them. Heck, spreading the word will do so much! I even made a page on facebook called Lauren and Ellen Should be BFFs to try and get Ellen Degeneres' attention on the ride. Check it out, you won't be sorry ;)
I think that's it for now... I hope my readers have had a great 2 weeks and I promise not to have so long in between blog posts ;)
Lets start with the most recent. I had my 12 week appointment with the Family Medical Foundation that deals with all the prenatal screening I did 2 weeks ago. I wrote about it in my previous post, and had to wait 2 whole weeks- patience is not one of my strenghts- and they did an ultrasound to do a test called Neuchal Translucency. Basically they look for the fluid behind the neck and measure it and if its a certain size then there are more tests to do. I have good news here: all my prenatal screening came back normal as well as the NT test. We even go to see the baby moving around like crazy and stretching. The ultrasound tech even said if she had to guess she thinks we are having a girl. She made sure to tell us its too soon to be sure and made us promise not to go out and by anything but it did cause us to try to nail down a girls name.
If its a boy, we are going to name him Logan Reilly (Reilly is my husband's middle name too) and if its a girl I am really torn between Averie Belle (I just really love Beauty and the Beast) and Aubrie Kira (Kira is my middle name) we even took to facebook to ask our friends to help, but it came back pretty much down the middle. We keep yelling the names to see if they sound right and I'm constantly saying them in my head to see if something feels more comfortable... hopefully we will have a decision soon... i like things to be planned out and set well in advance.
Today is our 2 year secret anniversary. We eloped to Reno and got married 6 months before our huge wedding. I wrote about it in a previous post here We have talked about celebrating our wedding anniversary on today's date in case the baby decides to be born a day late... so for some reason we felt the need to start today... my husband and i sent sweet texts to each other all day (our schedules were sadly completely opposite today). Last year we went on a date to acknowledge the date, but this year I think we're just happy enough being in a good place, nothing else really needs to happen.
A few months ago a very good friend of my suffered a miscarriage. Another good friend of mine is currently going through one as well. I really think if I hadn't experienced everything with Mason these two people, while we obviously care about each other, might not have let me in on what was going on and their feelings surrounding it. Of course we would all like to think our friends would be there for us no matter what but sometimes, like in these situations, its hard to know who to open up to. I've been feeling lately that the reason I went through all this, was to help others going through similar situations. I am not trying to toot my own horn, obviously my input would not make or break their grieving and healing process... but it does make me uniquely qualified to have some understanding of what is going on. I feel honored that these women feel like they can talk to me, even if I don't feel like I'm really helping.. I carry a hope that being able to ask me questions or compare our experiences helps them in some way.
I have prayed about this for so long, and I really think God put me here specifically to help someone else through things like this. Kind of like a right time/right place thing but more like a right person/right understanding situation. I have moments where I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be for a reason... and when these incredible women are opening up to me, i feel it the most, and its such a humbling experience and I'm so thankful and grateful.
There are also people that I think I was meant to meet, people that have changed my life for the better with their unique understanding of the situations I've been in. One of those people is my best friend. Normally on my blog of 6000+ readers a month I try to at least keep anonymity for those around me (besides my husband haha) but this time I wanted to share something with my readers because they can make a difference... My best friend Lauren is a quadriplegic who is ready to transfer colleges and start making a difference. She is going to change the world one day, but she needs a car to be able to do so. Her brother, John, is riding his bike from the San Francisco Bridge to the Brooklyn Bridge in an attempt to raise money to buy his sister an adapted vehicle.
Lauren is one of those people that always puts others before herself, she is incredibly kind, and one of the most intuitive people I have ever met. She's one of those people that really sees who you are and embraces you, flaws and all. I've known her for over 10 years and we have been so blessed to have her in our life. She was going to be Mason's god mother because I couldn't think of anyone else I wanted my children to learn about life from.
I could go on and on about her and her heroic brother and the ride that kicks off on September 9th, but you can also go to their website and learn more for yourself. You can even visit the media page and see some articles I've written for the the Newark Patch or go here for a direct link to the blogs I've written for their cause. Check out their page, like them on their facebook, and spread the word. Even if you donate $10 it makes a world of difference to them. Heck, spreading the word will do so much! I even made a page on facebook called Lauren and Ellen Should be BFFs to try and get Ellen Degeneres' attention on the ride. Check it out, you won't be sorry ;)
I think that's it for now... I hope my readers have had a great 2 weeks and I promise not to have so long in between blog posts ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)