A Baby Bear Update

Basically I have totally sucked at updating this thing. I can't believe the last time I sat down to write was half way through my pregnancy and now we are in the final weeks! Basically all of my complications are still here... Gestational Diabetes, the wall in my uterus, needing to have my tubes tied, nerve damage and constant nausea. BUT I've now been taken out of work for about 6 weeks and I have to admit I've loved it far more than I thought I would.

I've always been one of those moms that is literally obsessed with her kid... but as my crazy and wonderful daughter has reached 2 and a half- the terrible two's have come to fruition. I am now the mom that is 100% obsessed with her kid but definitely needs a break once and a while to keep my sanity. It's been kind of strange to realize my craving for alone time, and to not feel guilty about it. Everything I do is for my daughter. Everything I do is with my daughter. It took me a few weeks to realize it was ok to want to do things without her too. Luckily my husband and MIL have both been telling me this forever and are more than happy to provide me with an hour here and there to have to myself. I am very thankful and very blessed to have this balance.

Since being home we have worked on updating and upgrading the house in all areas. We took our very long living room and put a wall up at the far end to create a new office for me. Baby Bear will move into my old office once we finish the work in there. I am so proud of my hubby for taking on all this construction work- he did an amazing job. Now we are tearing down the closet in the nursery (where it was before made the room L shaped and there was no wall space big enough for a crib). That room is all windows but has it's own bathroom so a little bit of reconfiguring the layout should fix it right up. The crib and furniture has all been ordered (some awesome garage sale finds are just waiting for a little sprucing) but otherwise we are almost ready.

Physically I am ready, and at the same time I'm not. I am struggling a little bit with the fact that once this baby comes I'll never get to do it again. I'll never get to feel a baby move in my belly again, I'll never have a newborn again. So many things are final once this baby arrives. I kinda wish I could just pause time and enjoy these last few weeks a little longer. On the other hand, my back is killing me and I can't eat anything I want to... and God I MISS WINE! Its probably fair to say I'm equally happy for it to be over and sad. However, as I've said many times I didn't even think this baby was a possibility a year ago, so I am over the moon that I did get to experience this one last time.

So that brings us to Baby Bear's birth. Because of all my complications, my doctors and I have come up with two birth plans. Bless them, they still want me to be able to try and deliver without a C-Section. The wall in my uterus is sometimes there, and sometimes it's not. They think it might be malleable tissue that moves with the baby- but from the movement and the feeling of my stomach the baby stays to one side- so it makes sense the times that we can see the wall on the ultrasound- it's just empty space with fluid. So... we have two plans:

Plan A: This baby decides to come naturally and I get to deliver him at my 1st choice hospital. This hospital is a little ways away from us but their birthing philosophy and their NICU capabilities called out to me. There are a TON of rules, but they are all to protect the intimacy of the birthing experience. (For example: only one other person is allowed with me while I'm in labor. Not one at a time- just one person for the entire experience.) I love this, since last time I kept kicking everyone out and couldn't focus when the room was full. It was stressing me out and I always knew I didn't want that again, but this rule makes it so I don't have to be the bad guy. If I am able to deliver naturally I'd have to go to another hospital on a different day to have my tubes tied (this hospital is a Catholic one) so even if I end up with a medically necessary C-Section at this hospital I'd still need my tubes tied either way. This hospital is so great that I don't mind having to go back in for the procedure. Plus, in case we have another NICU need- this is the best hospital in the area for that. All the other hospitals would transport us to this one, so it makes sense to try to be there already.

Plan B: If Baby Bear doesn't come on his own by Thanksgiving, we are scheduled for a C-Section on the next day at an entirely different hospital. Because I have Gestational Diabetes they won't allow me to go longer than 39 weeks. This hospital does perform tubal ligation, so it makes sense if I end up having to have a C-Section then I should do it at the place that can perform the additional procedure. At that point we would just hope and pray for the best that Nate won't have any of the same complications as Averie and won't need a NICU. What I like about this plan, is that it's a one stop shop and I don't have to worry about scheduling an extra procedure. (and it means no December birthdays!)

I love both of these plans- mainly because I feel like I am getting set up for the best of both worlds. Luckily there are doctors at my office that have privileges in both of these hospitals, so I won't be stuck with a Doctor who doesn't know my history and complications no matter where I deliver. I also love that it's completely in Gods hands. I don't have to make the decisions. I don't have to worry and wonder if we're making the right moves at the right time. This baby can come on his own, or he'll come about a week from now. I like having an end date and 2 solid plans.

The hubby starts his vacation tomorrow so I can have the help I need (technically I am on bed rest and have been banned from traveling and driving) but because he wasn't able to be home with me it was kind of hard to adhere to. There is a house to clean, a shop to run and a toddler to run after. But now that he'll be off I'll be able to actually listen to all my doctors who have been urging  demanding me to take it easy. The bed rest and restrictions came from the constant Braxton Hicks contractions I've been having for weeks now. They're pretty regular, as in I'll have them a couple times a day but they always go away. Man... they are intense! I think my doctors have just gotten more cautious as now we are in the last few weeks and those practice contractions could become real ones very quickly.

So my new job for the next 12 days is to enjoy what's left of this pregnancy and have fun getting his nursery ready. I already closed up shop to new orders and have finished most of the large projects. I just have a few fun things lined up once the baby's room is completely done and painted. My poor hubby is going to wish he stayed at work when he sees the to-do list I have for him!

2nd Trimester Dogpile

WARNING: This is going to be a LOOOONG post!

As of today I am officially 21 weeks, which means we are more than half way though this pregnancy. There has been a lot going on in our little lives every since we've gotten pregnant but I guess I've been wanting to keep that to myself... until today. Yet again, we had more unfavorable news and I'm tired of trying to face it alone. My husband is incredibly supportive but there isn't a whole lot he can do, and honestly I think we're both tired of this game we get forced into where we have to keep reconfiguring our lives when each of these problems pops up. It's exhausting to say the least. Maybe we should start from the beginning...

A while ago (forgive me, as time is all blurring together) we were told our 2nd trimester screening came back positive for the same neural tube defects that affected Mason. With terror in our hearts for days and days we waited until we could go see the specialist. Long story short, our little one did not have any neural tube defects they could see. If anything is there, its so minor that it can be fixed after birth. (Whew!) The bad news? I have a "wall" growing in my uterus next to the baby. The specialist thinks it may be from my surgery but they really don't know. It isn't a "favorable" thing to have, as it could eventually crowd the baby so I am being monitored closely to keep an eye on it. We actually go back tomorrow for an update.

My back has been bothering me since I pee'd on the stick. It was actually one of my husband's first signals that I may be pregnant. So, after it started to get worse and worse (there are days when I literally can't get out of bed) we went to the doctor to find out what's going on. Basically I have perminate nerve damage from being pregnant with Averie that only flares up when I'm knocked up. I was referred to a physical therapist, but as my pregnancy has progressed so has my pain level. So, now I have to go multiple times a week to try and work on the nerve damage that keeps me from standing for long periods of time, and makes it difficult to walk.  But, I absolutely loves my PT! She's the sweetest and I always leave feeling so much better, so no complaints here!

The other complication is my weight. As in, I haven't gained any and I'm more than half way though my pregnancy. Because I have been plagued (again... thanks babies!) with constant nausea and vomiting my doctor is worried about my lack of weight gain. I thought I was doing well, because I haven't had to go get an IV for fluids yet- I thought I was winning this one haha- but it turns out it's still concerning even if it doesn't land me in the hospital this time. We are trying different nausea medications but so far the results have been the same: Me 0, Puking 100

In between all this medical chaos, we found out we are having a BOY! We are so excited to have our pair. We feel very blessed to not only have a healthy baby but to have the boy my husband has been wanting forever. Still no names, nothing seems to fit yet but we have time ;)

Now for the things that are weighing me down. I am trying really hard to stay positive this pregnancy and to take each obstacle with grace, but it weighs down on you no matter how hard you try to make a go of it. Because of all my complications it means a couple of things:

1. All of my doctors and specialists want to take me out of work now. This is something I have absolutely refused to do at this point. I can't just sit at home and think about everything I have going on, I'll drive myself crazy. Yes, I could put more time into my Etsy shop I suppose, but a lot of my issues would keep me from being in front of my sewing machine (as they have already). I need to work. As much as I like to complain about retail, I do enjoy it. I like the people I work with (one of them being my hunky hubby who always keeps me in a steady supply of snacks at break time) and it distracts me from all the pregnancy drama and worry that would otherwise be overwhelming my brain. Plus, we just can't afford to live with one income and a third of another.

2. I am going to have to have a C-Section. (Between the unpredictable "wall" in my uterus and my previous 26 hour labor this is their recommendation.) This isn't as upsetting as I thought it would be. Of course I've been hoping to have all the regular experiences most women get to- water breaking, natural labor, maybe even a doula.. but at this point with everything I've had to worry about in the past and in this pregnancy I'm just happy they have a safe way to get this baby out. I can let go of the things I won't get to experience, because the honest truth is I get to experience another baby... and about 6 months ago I had given up hope on that being a reality. There are some well meaning people in my life that keep urging me to get a 3rd opinion, or to try to deliver despite what my doctors have told me but how this baby comes into this world just isn't as important to me as it used to be. So to those people, I love you and I appreciate you... but can you shut the hell up already? ;)

3. Based on EVERYTHING in my history of pregnancies and all the complications going on with this one, both my doctor and the specialist I am seeing they both have recommended that while I'm open for my C-Section that I need to have my tubes tied. I know, bomb drop right? Well... kinda. Kevin and I had talked about making this decision on our own, but it was more out of fear than anything and I had still hoped maybe we could have another down the line. We had actually discussed him getting a vasectomy because it's cheaper and safer but there is something about someone else telling you that it's medically necessary that just punches you in the gut... or ovaries. It's so final, and kinda sad. Even though we had been leaning towards this decision it still sucks to be told ya know? Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing daughter and one cool little dude on the way, so I know I am blessed but I can't shake this one little feeling that I always thought we'd have a bigger family. I feel like I have all this love to give to more kids, but as I've said in the past, there are many ways to grow a family now a days. I am very aware that we are extremely blessed, but I don't think a little bit of mourning is uncalled for in this situation... and I know it will pass. Just one of those feelings you have to ride all the way though I guess.

Oh, the last thing that just popped up- despite being able to eat practically nothing I somehow managed to get gestational diabetes again. I kinda have to laugh at the situation this time. Last time I  was devastated and that just seems silly now. I know how to handle this, but there will be a new learning curve as I do it while working. I'll have to do some extra meal planning of course, and bring all my snacks to work. Keeping on the regular eating and testing schedule will be... interesting. Retail is so unpredictable but I have an awesome support system at work so I'm not worried about it. Just one more thing to figure out on this crazy pregnancy ride.

The last thing that is weighing heavily on my heart is since this is my last baby I'm determined to miss nothing. As much as I like working I need to figure out a way we can afford for me to stay home with this little guy. With Averie I literally cried every day when I had to get ready to go to work and I know it's going to hurt more knowing this is my last chance. There is no point sitting here and worrying about it now, but if you can send some prayers/good vibes our direction that something in our life changes so that it's possible for me to stay home with my babies it couldn't hurt. ;)

2 Years, 3 months and 2 Days

If you've been following this blog for a long time, you'll recall a post about how much I hate breast feeding. From the very moment our journey began I was convinced that I sucked at it and wouldn't be able to figure it out. Something kept me going... I wasn't not sure if it was the desire to be right, if it was just my stubborn nature or if I really just wanted this all to work out (I still don't know to be honest) but I refused to give up.

After a few months we finally fell into our breast feeding groove and I grew to love it. I looked forward to those moments, I yearned to hold her in my arms and watch her delicate little face while she nursed. It truly was one of the most wonderful things I've ever experienced as a mom... because it was just ours. I didn't have to share it with anyone else, and I enjoyed the selfishness of it all. I would put a million bucks on the line and bet that breast feeding is the reason Averie and I are so close. She just loves her mama so much, and I'd like to formally thank the breast feeding gods for that one.

When I got pregnant our Dr let me know that I should keep nursing, that it would help keep the GD away but she also warned me that I would need to stop by 20 weeks. I guess at that point, it can start taking nutrition away from Baby Bear and can cause me to have contractions late in pregnancy. I really wanted to follow the baby lead weaning program. I still had to nudge her a little, because honestly I think she would nurse until college if I let her. We cut out her night time feeding a while back, so I focused on her day time feedings. Since I work full time a quick "welcome home" bonding session would be for me to nurse her as soon as I got home. I started with that one and would instead offer her cheese or yogurt (I didn't want her to loose out on any calcium).

After a few weeks we moved on to the mid-morning feeding. We just kept up the same distraction technique and that worked for most of them. That brings us to about 2 weeks ago when all she had left was the 1st feeding when she woke up and her nap time feeding. My favorite was the mornings, because she would come into bed with us, nurse and cuddle until we were ready to get out of bed. I wasn't quite ready to give those up so we focused on nap time. She was at the point where she only took bottles from her grandma Mimi. If I was home I had to nurse her to sleep but if my hubby was home he would end up taking her next door (we live next door to my inlaws) and she would give her a bottle and get her to go down. Then she started refusing milk from me at nap time... totally out of the blue but I took it as a sign that she was ready to move on from that feeding as well.

4 days ago she woke up and immediately wanted to go to the living room and play. She wasn't interested in milk (I actually offered because I was full and was hurting) but she said no. The next 2 days after that I worked very early in the morning so her grandma Mimi was here when she woke up. She didn't ask for milk those days either. So for 3 days she didn't nurse at all. None of us could get her to take milk out of a sippy cup, but I let my mother in law know that she had to refuse a bottle and only offer a sippy cup from that point on. Since Averie led the way and made it clear she didn't want milk from me, I didn't want her to end up using a bottle instead. (It took a little convincing over those 3 days but eventually she took the cup- SUCCESS!) I knew she would figure out that she wasn't going to be offered anything else and would get with our program eventually.

Then, this morning she just about broke my heart... in many different ways. I went and brought her into bed to cuddle with us. It was the 1st morning since she stopped asking and I didn't have to open, and when she laid down she asked for milk. I was really torn, because we made all this progress but I really didn't know how she would handle it when I said no. I told her "I'm sorry baby, but milk's all gone" She looked at me and her little lip started to tremble. Then she hugged me close and patted my chest and said "by milk, I miss you" and gave me a kiss. She whimpered a little, like she was trying not to cry. Then she cuddled up next to my face and was stroking my cheek and said "mommy, i'm sad." I told her "I know baby, but mommy loves you." It killed me, for so many reasons.

1. I felt for her... it was literally her favorite thing to do and I missed her too. I missed the cuddles and the feelings I would get staring down at her, so entranced by her beauty not believing that she was actually mine. I never expected to nurse for so long but I'm ultimately glad I did. I just wish that I had known that the last time she nursed, was actually the LAST TIME. I wish I had taken more time for that moment to burn into my memory.

2. I was PROUD. I knew my little girl was special, I knew that she had shown me many times over the kind of compassionate heart she has. She loves animals and is always concerned with them being happy and having tons of cuddles. Whenever anyone looks sad or confused she goes up to them and says "you ok?" and gives them a hug. She has the biggest heart, but in that moment I was so proud that she was able to tell me how she felt. It was simple, but also powerful.

We just held each other until I was sure she felt better, I wanted to make sure she knew that even if I couldn't nurse her, I was here to hold her whenever she felt sad. I wanted to make sure she knew that even in this transition I was her go-to... the same way nursing comforted her in the past. So... she's officially weaned and I have mixed feelings. I know it's probably my hormones, but there will be one minute where I'm happy to not have her hanging on me 24/7 and another when the thought of me not nursing her again brings me to tears. It's an adjustment for both of us haha!

So... one thing down and two more to go. We have potty training and transitioning into a big girl bed to go, but we're already ahead of schedule so I'm feeling pretty good about it. I just wish I could celebrate weaning with an ice cold beer!

Even When You Aren't Trying, Things Are Happening

I just re-read my last post about resolutions and I'm pretty happy to report that it's May and I have stuck to them really well. I reached a turning point back in December, and I continued to let things happen all around me and many of my prayers were answered. Since December...

I got a new job... well an old job. Long ago the hubby and I worked for the same company and before I left I was promoted to a supervisor. I loved that job (didn't love the boss... she was literally the WORST) and I always resented the reason (her) I left. One day my hubby came home and said that they really needed someone in my old department. I told him to let his boss know that if she was ok with a married coupled working in the same store that I would be interested in just a part time position to get a little extra cash. I walked into that interview hoping for a part time job and left with my old job making more than before. Talk about blessings... another chance with the job I really did enjoy and I get to work with my hubby again? I literally couldn't have prayed for that to go better.

My little Etsy shop has truly flourished. I have over 4000 customers and a steady stream of orders every week. It's a little tricky balancing mom life, a full time job and my shop but I think I've proven that I don't sit still well. Although my life is crazy hectic, I am enjoying it to the fullest.

I didn't lose any more weight. I did maintain, but for some reason my hormones are set on me being this size. No amount of exercising or dieting was doing anything so I decided to embrace it all, and you know what? I've never felt more sexy in my life. There's something about accepting the hand your dealt that really makes you see your life to the full potential.

Kev and I celebrated our big 10-4! 10 years together and 4 years married. Our anniversary falls on St. Patricks Day and we got married the following Saturday. It worked out this year to have an entire anniversary weekend. We went out of town and did the things we used to do when we were falling in love. Art museums, long walks, good food... it was really wonderful.

Ok now, lets talk about baby news. We officially gave up trying back in February. I wasn't kidding when I had the realization that Averie was enough. We wanted to just go back to being romantic and not having a bigger purpose for our sex life. Things were going really well. Then right before our anniversary I check to see if I was ovulating, just in case. Nope! A big fat negative which was actually a big go-ahead for us to fully enjoy our anniversary weekend. (And boy did we! Sorry mom...)

The day before Easter I knew I was supposed to get my period and I had been super tired. My husband kept teasing me because I started craving strange things. But I kept thinking, I wasn't ovulating... he's got to be wrong. So, I took a test to shut him up. Instead, it shut me up. That was about 8 or so weeks ago, and this is what we posted on facebook yesterday.

Can you believe I kept it a secret so long? Me neither! I'm about 10.5 weeks and we decided we had to announce, because my tummy has a mind of its own. Granted, I was a little fluffy to begin with, but its already changing shape and rounding out. There's no mistaking it... even if I do look more like 5 months pregnant I'm working on being ok with it. I just have this irrational fear that I'll look like Kate plus 8 at the end of this. Plus, we are such open books that if something was to go wrong at this point, it's not like we wouldn't be open about it. But... keep those fingers and toes crossed that everything continues to be fine.

So, how has this pregnancy been? SUUUUPER different from Mason and Averie. At this point with both of them I had already been hospitalized twice for dehydration. With Averie I lost over 25lbs. With this baby I've only had 2 bad days. I feel exhausted and nauseous a lot, but those 2 days where I threw up non-stop are still wins in my book compared to my other pregnancies. I've gained about 2lbs and I'm hoping it plateaus for a bit since I was already big to begin with. I have all new pregnancy cravings: iced tea, strawberries, and tons of veggies. Basically protein of any kind makes me feel like running the other direction. A total 180 from Averie- before her I was more vegetarian inclined and then once I got pregnant with her all I wanted was ALL THE MEAT.

We told our family and close friends around 6 weeks. Mainly because it was around my birthday and they would be onto me for not drinking. How did we tell them? I made Averie a "Big Sister" shirt and just walked out to greet them. It was a good minute before anyone read her shirt. They were all in shock (they knew we had given up trying after 2 years) but they were all very happy. It was sweet and simple just the way I've wanted things to go with this pregnancy.

We just hit the mark where I could do the 1st trimester testing, so I went in and did all that blood work. Hopefully they'll have the results by my next appointment and I can start to feel excited. It's very strange to want something so badly for so long... not get it and resolve to giving up... and then be handed the very thing you wished for. You would think I'd be over the moon, but I guess my cautious heart is winning right now. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be pregnant! I guess my heart is just not letting me get attached to this one yet, not until I get all the news I need to feel ok.

So far, I don't have GD. I am still nursing Averie so my Dr wants me to continue until the half way mark. She's pretty confident Averie's nursing is helping keep the GD away, and I've already started eating the diet just to be safe. I'm waiting on that 2nd trimester energy to kick in before I start my pre-natal workouts. I am high risk again, but if the GD stays away then we could be looking at a totally normal pregnancy and delivery. Oh yes, you may be wondering the due date. So are we! They keep changing it from Dec 3rd to the 8th so we have to wait until my 15 week appointment to get a final measurement and due date, but its looking like early December is our window. Funny, since my mother in law forbid December babies... but our anniversary being in March... it was sort of destined to happen haha!

Ok, I think this post is as long as it can be for now, I'll definitely be better at updating this thing now that I actually have something to talk about ;) Leaving your life to play out in God's hands is certainly fulfilling and wonderful, but it didn't give me a whole lot to blog about haha!

Realizations and Resolutions

Well, Santa did not bring me a positive pregnancy test. It was the perfect storm of events that led us to miss our fertility window, plus the fact that this time of year is really hard for me emotionally... all things that led to no baby making during December's small window.

I still have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Right after our window metaphorically closed and it dawned on me what that actually meant, I cried. A lot. I'm probably still crying about it. It's hard to tell if I'm crying from that, or from memories... I'm not really sure. There were a couple reasons it didn't happen and it just seems easier to blame those instead of realize that sometimes that's just how things go, but because we've been trying for over a year it's hard not to feel defeated... even when things are out of my control. Which brings me to resolution #1: To try harder at being ok with the way things are, instead of constantly trying to change them. Being patient is a really big part of that, I need to constantly remind myself that things happen when they're supposed to, and no amount of planning and scheming is going to move them along any quicker.

This is actually a strange time in my life because I'm equally happy and sad. There is a lot of stress in my life right now as I worry about my unemployment coming to an end, running a business, trying to get pregnant and all the other things that come along with running a household. The one bright spot in my life is my little girl, who reminds me every day that things are ok, just because she's here with me. I would like to say my husband is one of them, but like any marriage some days he's the brightest spot and some days he's the source of my stress. I will say that no matter how I feel about him on any given day, he is always present, working hard for us and for our family.

This has been another hard year for us, but I want to make the distinction here that our year hasn't been hard BECAUSE of us, it's just been hard ON us. It really seems like we haven't had a break since before Mason. We just keep getting thrown all these curve balls, but we always survive them. That's something worth noting in any relationship I think, knowing that you can face anything and still come out together... maybe not on top lol... but together. Together is always the important part. My husband really is such a good man and deserves the world. That brings me to resolution #2: Find ways to honor and show appreciation for the man that deals with every mood swing, every overdraft fee, every late night I want a snack, every time we're all snuggled in bed and I make him go check on random noises in the house. He does it all for us every day, and I know I don't thank him enough.

Lately, wanting another baby sometimes consumes me completely, and maybe that's just because of this time of year or I am finally getting to my breaking point after trying for so long... but it has been driving me crazy the last few months when I have gotten my period. It's an unnecessarily overly emotional time and when it's over I'm annoyed at myself for being so sad about it. It's dumb, people try to get pregnant and don't for months. I am not the only one. Clearly I'm not as in control of my emotions as I have been in the past (which is it's own annoyance), but what is helping is having someone else going through a very similar situation. It sucks that we're both going through this but the funny thing is we are on the same cycle so we are literally going through each stage- and the awful waiting part- together.

Then, a few days ago I had a realization hit me in the face. I'm not in some kind of denial that my kid is perfect, but I am constantly in awe of her. At almost 2, she shows me every day what a huge heart she has. She loves animals, she loves her mommy- to the point of being rude to daddy haha, she has a killer sense of humor and loves to be silly. This girl lives for a laugh. She's the best little girl and makes me feel whole. I realize I may be singing a different tune when we get to the Terrible Two's and Three's but I'm just going to soak up ever moment of her while I can.

Anyway, right before Christmas I was sitting on the couch watching her play and she was once again being adorable (seriously, this girl always is) and I started to pray. I asked God to put my life in his hands, to take all the things I want and all the things I dream for and asked Him to let them happen. I agreed then and there to let them happen on His terms, in His time and I would wait and look for the signs. The only thing I wanted was help in letting this happen, to let go and not be so obsessed with WHEN WHEN WHEN. When will we have money again, when will we have another baby, when will all the hard work pay off? When will Christmas be a happy time for me again? When will I finally get off my ass and lose this weight? Then something happened. I got this overwhelming feeling and a thought kept repeating itself in my head "Averie is enough. Averie is enough. Averie is enough."

I've been letting that thought bounce around for a few days, while sitting back and observing my life. What I've seen is if I just sit back and let things happen, they will. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, and it was so wonderful to experience it though Averie's eyes. By stepping back it also allowed other aspects of my life to come together. Someone I previously had conflict with made steps to show me they were willing to go out of their way to resolve it. Somehow, it worked out so we could pay every bill this month. I lost a pound. And of course Averie, she makes me feel loved on a regular basis, but ever since I realized she was enough it's like it's opened my heart to a whole new level of loving her. It's hard to explain, let's just say that my heart needed glasses, and me being sad and worrying about having another baby was the evil insurance company keeping me from fulfilling my prescription.

This brings me to resolution #3: If I never have another baby, it'll be ok, and I'll be ok. I have a son waiting for me in Heaven and I have an angel of a daughter here on Earth who deserves all of me, not most of me. She deserves everything, and while I know I can't give her everything all the time, I can try to. I can vow now to always try my best and be the mom she deserves.

In 2014 I really tried to focus on myself and my journey to self improvement. I don't think everything is magically going to change or get better just because it's a new year. One thing time has taught me is that it actually goes in circles. There are days where I feel amazing and I know what I want and how to get it, and there are days that I feel like I fail at everything. There are times when I almost forget the awful decision I had to make 3 years ago, and then there are times when all I do is picture myself in that doctors office and I literally can't breathe. I think it's impossible to ever really get over something like that, of any kind of loss really, but it does pass... maybe the key is knowing that it will be back so enjoy the good times while you can. There ya go... I think I just found resolution #4.

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

So... it's been a while. A LONG WHILE. For that, I apologize. I checked out my stats from while I was "dark" and it was a pleasant surprise to see that many of my readers didn't give up on  me. My page views only went down a little, and for that I would like to say thank you for sticking with me this long... even when I didn't have anything to say.

I suppose an update is in order right? Since getting laid off in July I've been focusing solely on my business and my family. I am very happy to report that all are going very very well. My business took off after I launched it! I am so proud of my little bow baby. I am happy to go to "work" every day, with coffee in hand and usually in my PJ's haha! It's really wonderful to see something that I never thought could be possible come to fruition and on top of that, find that I can actually be successful at it. We've been open since July 1st and we have already turned a profit! That's an accomplishment I'm pretty proud of, since most businesses don't do that until after their 1st year.

When I got laid off I was a little lost... I wasn't sure what to do with my time. It was my dream to be home with my daughter but after a few weeks even she was ready for a change of scenery. I developed a schedule for myself that worked out really well. After feeding her in the morning I would make all of us breakfast, then clean a room in the house (I made myself a schedule and everything), then I would work out and then I would work on orders. I really love structure so I didn't feel happy and settled into my new life until I had a schedule worked out for myself. Even if no one else knows that I'm following it, I like having a set plan for each day.

After those 1st few weeks my mother in law talked to me about watching my daughter. Basically she made it clear that she still wanted to watch her sometimes, even if I was now a stay at home mom. It ended up working out that she would take her for a few hours M-F after her nap so I could do things around the house that are difficult to do with a toddler clinging to my leg 24/7. Then my business really started taking off and I needed more time to work on orders. She now has her for a set schedule M-F so I can focus on all the orders I have coming in each week. It's amazing. I also don't feel like I'm missing anything because when I miss her, I can just walk next door and give her a hug and a kiss... I literally have the best of both worlds and I am so thankful.

I took the last few months to really focus on my marriage. When I got laid off and all the financial aspects of our new situation hit us, it was not an easy time for us. But we made a plan and we are slowly working our way out of our financial black hole. A successful business, a happy couple and a new promotion for the hubby is the recipe to success we needed. He's quietly working on other endeavors and dreams for himself but it's not the right time to share those yet... all I can say is I am so proud to see him going after the things he wants in life and being so excited about them.

I know many of you come here to read about our baby journey. I have an update for you! I have to back track a little though...
About 8 or 9 months ago we learned that our High School 10 year reunion was coming up in November. It lit a fire under me to Get Fit or Get Pregnant. I've been working on the Get Fit part, and am happy to report that I've lost 10lbs in only a few months (it took me a while to get a program that worked for me) but we weren't getting pregnant.

I am still nursing, but SO MANY people get pregnant while they're nursing that I didn't think it was hindering me in any way. Then I spoke with my Dr and after some testing we found out that I am part of a small percentage of women who's hormones work in overdrive while they are nursing. This is why I was still gaining weight and why I still hadn't had my period return (including pregnancy it's been over 2 years). Consequently, I also wasn't actually ovulating. I had been tracking it at home and even though my home test was telling me I was ovulating we still weren't pregnant. The only solution my Dr had was to stop nursing so my body could get back into it's natural cycle. Well... that wasn't going to fly with me.

Then I spent 3 days agonizing over what we should do. On one hand I had been through so much in my breast feeding journey and I wasn't ready to end it. Heck, Averie showed no signs of being ok with it! On the other hand we knew that we didn't want a huge age gap between our kids and Averie is now 20 months. I had finally decided to limit her nursing to once a day right when she wakes up. We were going to start on Monday. I wasn't super happy but at the same time I was excited.

That Sunday morning I woke up to find I had gotten my period.

So a new plan was born: I would start tracking my ovulation again and we would get back on the baby making train. For now we are tracking and trying... with Averie my ovulation tests were negative when we conceived her, so I don't put too much faith in the accuracy of those! We are having fun trying and I pray to God every night that Santa will give me a positive pregnancy test for Christmas. Hopefully we'll have exciting news in the near future but for now I'm enjoying my simply sweet life.

I'm happy. I'm blessed. I'm grateful.

#30DaysOfBrave

On June 29th I accepted a Facebook invitation to join a group called 30 Days of Brave. Basically, you pick 5 goals that you'd like to accomplish, or 5 things you'd like to make sure to do every day and you spend the next 30 days getting yourself out of your comfort zone and forcing yourself to live a brave life. What that means is different from person to person, but when I saw it, I knew I had to join.

On June 30th I went to work like normal, got my coffee, sat down and was asked to come into my boss' office. He let me know that the company was laying me off. He was personally upset about the decision, he had taken me under his wing to help me grow with the company. The company decided to move my position down south, it was as simple as that. I can't say I was surprised... the person I was hired to assist was let go when I was only there for 2 weeks. I had been working without a direct report for over 6 months. When they finally hired someone and told me he was located in LA I was aware that this was a possibility. There was nothing I did to help them make that decision, there was no problem in my work ethic... so why was I left feeling completely inadequate?

This was the day before my business launch, was this God telling me I needed to focus on that instead? Was this a sign I've been asking for to go back to school? I was sure it meant something, I just wasn't sure what.

It's taken me over a week to figure out how I feel about it, and even now I am still not 100% sure how it all makes me feel. At first I was mad that I got dressed and put on make up just to be sent home (a phone call would have worked too!) then I was happy I wouldn't have to sit across from my super racist/homophobic co-worker anymore and that I could spend my days at home with Averie. Then I got scared- how are we going to survive on Kevin's income and my extremely tiny unemployment?

That Tuesday Kevin and I sat down to figure out what my next steps would be, and he told me how he knew I wanted to stay home with Averie. With his blessing, that's what I'm going to be doing until my unemployment runs out or until he gets a new job. Whichever comes first (we're hoping the job thing works out- he went on a few interviews with a company he is really excited about, so keep those fingers and toes crossed for us.) He told me as long as I was bringing in something financially, like my unemployment we would be fine. We made the decision to sell my car and be a one car family. Luckily, I didn't have to look far- we are selling it family! I really love my car, so I'm happy I'll get to see it haha!

On Wednesday we got a pretty big reality check when it came to finances. Picture a wad of money bitch slapping me in the face and then pointing and laughing. To say the situation made me feel less than a person would be an understatement. I didn't realize just how bad it was until Wednesday and have been freaking out ever since. Especially since I haven't received anything from the UI office yet. When you have $2 in your account and the other ones are overdrawn there is nothing else you can do but cry. And sell stuff. That's the plan for now anyway- we are selling my car Friday so we will be able to cross that off our payment list. I have a bunch of stuff on craigslist- things we've been meaning to sell anyway and just haven't gotten around to it and I pray everyday that my bow business takes off. It's been a little slow since launching, but I haven't been promoting it as much since getting laid off. Which is kinda funny, since now I have the time.

I know all that sounds super overwhelming, and it is- not gonna lie. BUT ever since I embraced this 30 Days of Brave concept, I can also see the light at the end of the tunnel. We have had a hard year so far, but when you're all the way at the bottom the only direction things can go is up. Being a stay at home mom is not easier than working, but it's definitely more rewarding. Even though Averie chose this week to have the most epic teething battle to date, I can't describe how happy it makes me to be right there and be able to comfort her.

My husband is not perfect, (neither am i!) but he is so encouraging. He really wants me to use this time to go back to school. I'm hoping that by the time another lactation program pops up, I'll be able to afford to go. Maybe that's the cosmic reason for me getting laid off- so I would be able to do what I've always wanted to- teach. It won't feel like working if I love it right? That's how I feel about the bows- I could do it all day and not even realize hours have gone by and I need to remember to eat. He is encouraging me through my 30 Days of Brave. He even went running with me the other day to keep me motivated. Even though the Facebook event started on July 6th, my days of trying to be brave started on the 30th. Here are my 5 goals for these 30 days:

The best part about these goals (which we're re-written after Wednesday) is they are all FREE! I have zero excuses on why I can't complete these. The hardest one has actually been the sweets.... I didn't realize how addicted I was until I told myself no. It was harder to do the grocery shopping than I anticipated, but in the end my whole family benefits from that one, so whats not to love about it?

My favorite one is #5- We've been in this house for almost a year and we still have a ton of boxes that I haven't unpacked. I'm excited to start taking out all our family photos, my paintings, our knick knacks and to let this house finally feel like "ours".

I've never been one to sugar coat things, and I know the future is uncertain- which is REALLY hard for me, but I am also a little excited to see what happens. Being brave is hard, but it's the good kind of hard. I'll have to update you when this is over to let you know how I did.