On June 30th I went to work like normal, got my coffee, sat down and was asked to come into my boss' office. He let me know that the company was laying me off. He was personally upset about the decision, he had taken me under his wing to help me grow with the company. The company decided to move my position down south, it was as simple as that. I can't say I was surprised... the person I was hired to assist was let go when I was only there for 2 weeks. I had been working without a direct report for over 6 months. When they finally hired someone and told me he was located in LA I was aware that this was a possibility. There was nothing I did to help them make that decision, there was no problem in my work ethic... so why was I left feeling completely inadequate?
This was the day before my business launch, was this God telling me I needed to focus on that instead? Was this a sign I've been asking for to go back to school? I was sure it meant something, I just wasn't sure what.
It's taken me over a week to figure out how I feel about it, and even now I am still not 100% sure how it all makes me feel. At first I was mad that I got dressed and put on make up just to be sent home (a phone call would have worked too!) then I was happy I wouldn't have to sit across from my super racist/homophobic co-worker anymore and that I could spend my days at home with Averie. Then I got scared- how are we going to survive on Kevin's income and my extremely tiny unemployment?
That Tuesday Kevin and I sat down to figure out what my next steps would be, and he told me how he knew I wanted to stay home with Averie. With his blessing, that's what I'm going to be doing until my unemployment runs out or until he gets a new job. Whichever comes first (we're hoping the job thing works out- he went on a few interviews with a company he is really excited about, so keep those fingers and toes crossed for us.) He told me as long as I was bringing in something financially, like my unemployment we would be fine. We made the decision to sell my car and be a one car family. Luckily, I didn't have to look far- we are selling it family! I really love my car, so I'm happy I'll get to see it haha!
On Wednesday we got a pretty big reality check when it came to finances. Picture a wad of money bitch slapping me in the face and then pointing and laughing. To say the situation made me feel less than a person would be an understatement. I didn't realize just how bad it was until Wednesday and have been freaking out ever since. Especially since I haven't received anything from the UI office yet. When you have $2 in your account and the other ones are overdrawn there is nothing else you can do but cry. And sell stuff. That's the plan for now anyway- we are selling my car Friday so we will be able to cross that off our payment list. I have a bunch of stuff on craigslist- things we've been meaning to sell anyway and just haven't gotten around to it and I pray everyday that my bow business takes off. It's been a little slow since launching, but I haven't been promoting it as much since getting laid off. Which is kinda funny, since now I have the time.
I know all that sounds super overwhelming, and it is- not gonna lie. BUT ever since I embraced this 30 Days of Brave concept, I can also see the light at the end of the tunnel. We have had a hard year so far, but when you're all the way at the bottom the only direction things can go is up. Being a stay at home mom is not easier than working, but it's definitely more rewarding. Even though Averie chose this week to have the most epic teething battle to date, I can't describe how happy it makes me to be right there and be able to comfort her.
My husband is not perfect, (neither am i!) but he is so encouraging. He really wants me to use this time to go back to school. I'm hoping that by the time another lactation program pops up, I'll be able to afford to go. Maybe that's the cosmic reason for me getting laid off- so I would be able to do what I've always wanted to- teach. It won't feel like working if I love it right? That's how I feel about the bows- I could do it all day and not even realize hours have gone by and I need to remember to eat. He is encouraging me through my 30 Days of Brave. He even went running with me the other day to keep me motivated. Even though the Facebook event started on July 6th, my days of trying to be brave started on the 30th. Here are my 5 goals for these 30 days:
The best part about these goals (which we're re-written after Wednesday) is they are all FREE! I have zero excuses on why I can't complete these. The hardest one has actually been the sweets.... I didn't realize how addicted I was until I told myself no. It was harder to do the grocery shopping than I anticipated, but in the end my whole family benefits from that one, so whats not to love about it?
My favorite one is #5- We've been in this house for almost a year and we still have a ton of boxes that I haven't unpacked. I'm excited to start taking out all our family photos, my paintings, our knick knacks and to let this house finally feel like "ours".
I've never been one to sugar coat things, and I know the future is uncertain- which is REALLY hard for me, but I am also a little excited to see what happens. Being brave is hard, but it's the good kind of hard. I'll have to update you when this is over to let you know how I did.
