Forgive me as I try to make sense of the massive crying fit that just came over me.
I've gotten pretty good at masking my feelings while I'm in the outside world, but the last few days when I get home I just want to cry. I'm not sure why so I haven't let myself. I don't have anything to cry about, my life is going smoothly... hiccups and all... so you would think this Thanksgiving would be something to look forward to.
I've never really been a fan of Thanksgiving... loud families and food I don't really care for... but for some reason I've been dreading this one like no other. I figured it was just anxiety over the upcoming family get together. I haven't been at a gathering like this since before Mason and for some reason I was having a hard time wrapping my head around getting myself excited to go. It strangely has nothing to do with my husband's family... there is just a lot of them and it can be overwhelming sometimes, which is usually easier when I can drink haha... I would feel the same way if we were going to be surrounded by my family. When I tried to explain how I was feeling to my husband, he didn't really get it. I don't blame him, even I don't really understand how I'm feeling.
I'm not sure if it was a mix of having just watched the recent episode of Parenthood (seriously- that show makes me cry every time), my pregnancy emotions on overdrive and the general disdain I have for Thanksgiving but I've been in this funk. I've also been missing Mason more than normal, but I didn't think much of it, because I miss him all the time. Sometimes more than others... normal for me.
I was sitting here trying to pay some bills, finish some articles, maybe sneak some Sims playing in... with the TV on in the back ground. Then I hear these 2 words that have been the worst 2 words I've ever known... spina bifida. I don't even know the story line on the show but I heard those words and something clicked... something horribly sad that I couldn't control. I realized what has been bothering me, the fact that my husband and his family are so excited to show off my belly and I guess subconsciously part of me knew I should have been showing off my son this Thanksgiving.
I know I can't control these things, and maybe someone out there is tired of hearing it... this sad game I keep playing within myself. I can't always let things like this get to me, it comes with the decision we made, and I'm not dumb to that. But sometimes, especially around the holidays since that's when everything started to change in Mason's world I can't control it and I just need to hide in my room and have a good cry. I just wish that crying everything out could somehow drain the sadness out of me too. Like I could purge it out somehow, but it's always there. Times like today when I allow myself to really let it out, say whats in my heart out loud it hurts, but it also feels good to not keep it all inside. But after that I feel guilt for letting those moments happen instead of focusing all my energy on Averie. I know that probably sounds dumb, but I don't ever want her to know my sadness for Mason because I'm so excited and in love with her... or that any of her moments weren't always hers. I'm not sure how to balance the two...
I know tomorrow I'll feel better without having to do anything, I'll be back to my balanced life and get caught up in visiting with family and food... but today I finally figured out what has been bothering me and i allowed myself to have these moments. It felt good to give myself that, despite how unexpected it was. I just have to work on the guilt that follows it. But, I've got time, and for that I can be thankful.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Control Freak
I don't think it's any secret that I am a passionate person with my own voice... and that I typically have no problem expressing it. The same goes when I am making decisions regarding my life... this is also not a secret.
I have issues with control, a lot of my life has been out of my control so I cling onto the things that I can navigate to my own standards. Unfortunately, this doesn't always make me the best listener when i am being given advise. I tend to think the research I do vs what other's tell me is correct, despite how many times they try to shove it down my throat. I recognize that this is always done with the best of intentions on both parts: the other party is only trying to help, and I only want what is best for me. At some point these 2 things need to meet in the middle, but I have yet to accomplish this on a regular basis.
The most recent example of my push and pull relationship is my unintentional rebellion following my Dr appointment a few weeks ago. I went in for a regular pregnancy checkup looking for answers for a strange pain I was having in my pack that would surge up my back and down my leg at random times. She told me it was my sciatic nerve acting up, and gave me some at-home tricks to help alleviate the pain. The other things she told me- very firmly- was not to be on my feet unnecessarily. She also told me not to sit for long periods of time. My job is actually perfect for this because I stand and sit regularly so typically I don't have to worry. She also told me to eliminate any extra curricular activities that would cause my sciatic to act up. So, despite me not wanting to listen to her advise I did... mostly.
I stepped away from the play I was doing because it was hours at a time sitting... I stopped all the exercise classes that she advised. What I didn't do was cut back at work because we couldn't afford to. I also continued my plans to redecorate the room that would be Averie's, and put all my extra energy into planning the baby shower. Unfortunately, one of these things has now gone beyond my control.
At work I always knew it was a possibility that I would be asked to return to part time. I was only covering for someone on leave in full time status and was just hoping to fly under the radar until I went on leave at full time. Part of me is ok with stepping down because I knew it would make my Dr and my husband happy to have me off my feet more often. My pocket book however, and some of my pride is not ok with this. I guess I had just hoped it could be more of my idea than a change in circumstance. I didn't mind letting go of the extra stuff in my life, but work has always been a huge deal to me and I didn't want to feel like less of a worker, or that I couldn't keep up. I'm struggling a little with what to do next.
My husband was able to go back to full time at work since he is almost done with school, so financially we are kind of just swapping places. He's happy that I'll be able to be at home more and focus on the baby's room and my health but I am already going crazy thinking about sitting at home, at it won't even happen until next month. I've already put in an application for a part time job hoping they can overlook the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant. It's not even about the money at this point, its the fact that I have no idea how to sit still. Even as I write this I am flashing back to when I was supposed to be on bed rest with Mason for over a month and I spent the entire time technically on my couch... but I was a busy body making everyone Christmas ornaments from scratch, making presents, and anything else I could do while still being able to report back to my Dr with a clear conscience that I wasn't on my feet. I don't know how to turn off... which has served me well in my working career but only made things worse in my personal life.
The other thing I am having a hard time listening to is not being able to work out. I am a very active person, I have always been that way and being restricted to only walking just won't cut it for me. My Dr is somewhat concerned that I have only gained 4lbs this entire pregnancy and I am only a week away from being into my 3rd trimester when most women have already gained 10-15lbs. There is the fact that i started off heavy (for my height) so I don't worry too much about the fact that I haven't gained much weight. However, I'm not where my Dr would like to see me and I'm miserable trying to find a common ground where I am listening to her and making myself happy.
It's like I have two minds working against each other as I go through each of these things. On one hand I'm not exercising the way I used to- I don't go to classes but I'm doing at home exercises that make me feel like I'm at least doing something. I quit all my extra curriculars... but I literally just spent my day off reorganizing our room, moving furniture and redecorating our bathroom. My other days off have been similar as far as activity goes. I agreed to step down at work, only to apply for another part time job. As I see all of this in writing I feel ridiculous, but I know tomorrow won't be any different. How do I learn to let go and follow directions? Is it possible to surrender yourself over to something and actually be happy about it? Right now I'm very doubtful that I'll ever learn this concept of finding a middle ground that won't drive me crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not the only crazy out there with control issues, and that there are ways to happily find the perfect compromise with what I should do vs what I want to do!
I have issues with control, a lot of my life has been out of my control so I cling onto the things that I can navigate to my own standards. Unfortunately, this doesn't always make me the best listener when i am being given advise. I tend to think the research I do vs what other's tell me is correct, despite how many times they try to shove it down my throat. I recognize that this is always done with the best of intentions on both parts: the other party is only trying to help, and I only want what is best for me. At some point these 2 things need to meet in the middle, but I have yet to accomplish this on a regular basis.
The most recent example of my push and pull relationship is my unintentional rebellion following my Dr appointment a few weeks ago. I went in for a regular pregnancy checkup looking for answers for a strange pain I was having in my pack that would surge up my back and down my leg at random times. She told me it was my sciatic nerve acting up, and gave me some at-home tricks to help alleviate the pain. The other things she told me- very firmly- was not to be on my feet unnecessarily. She also told me not to sit for long periods of time. My job is actually perfect for this because I stand and sit regularly so typically I don't have to worry. She also told me to eliminate any extra curricular activities that would cause my sciatic to act up. So, despite me not wanting to listen to her advise I did... mostly.
I stepped away from the play I was doing because it was hours at a time sitting... I stopped all the exercise classes that she advised. What I didn't do was cut back at work because we couldn't afford to. I also continued my plans to redecorate the room that would be Averie's, and put all my extra energy into planning the baby shower. Unfortunately, one of these things has now gone beyond my control.
At work I always knew it was a possibility that I would be asked to return to part time. I was only covering for someone on leave in full time status and was just hoping to fly under the radar until I went on leave at full time. Part of me is ok with stepping down because I knew it would make my Dr and my husband happy to have me off my feet more often. My pocket book however, and some of my pride is not ok with this. I guess I had just hoped it could be more of my idea than a change in circumstance. I didn't mind letting go of the extra stuff in my life, but work has always been a huge deal to me and I didn't want to feel like less of a worker, or that I couldn't keep up. I'm struggling a little with what to do next.
My husband was able to go back to full time at work since he is almost done with school, so financially we are kind of just swapping places. He's happy that I'll be able to be at home more and focus on the baby's room and my health but I am already going crazy thinking about sitting at home, at it won't even happen until next month. I've already put in an application for a part time job hoping they can overlook the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant. It's not even about the money at this point, its the fact that I have no idea how to sit still. Even as I write this I am flashing back to when I was supposed to be on bed rest with Mason for over a month and I spent the entire time technically on my couch... but I was a busy body making everyone Christmas ornaments from scratch, making presents, and anything else I could do while still being able to report back to my Dr with a clear conscience that I wasn't on my feet. I don't know how to turn off... which has served me well in my working career but only made things worse in my personal life.
The other thing I am having a hard time listening to is not being able to work out. I am a very active person, I have always been that way and being restricted to only walking just won't cut it for me. My Dr is somewhat concerned that I have only gained 4lbs this entire pregnancy and I am only a week away from being into my 3rd trimester when most women have already gained 10-15lbs. There is the fact that i started off heavy (for my height) so I don't worry too much about the fact that I haven't gained much weight. However, I'm not where my Dr would like to see me and I'm miserable trying to find a common ground where I am listening to her and making myself happy.
It's like I have two minds working against each other as I go through each of these things. On one hand I'm not exercising the way I used to- I don't go to classes but I'm doing at home exercises that make me feel like I'm at least doing something. I quit all my extra curriculars... but I literally just spent my day off reorganizing our room, moving furniture and redecorating our bathroom. My other days off have been similar as far as activity goes. I agreed to step down at work, only to apply for another part time job. As I see all of this in writing I feel ridiculous, but I know tomorrow won't be any different. How do I learn to let go and follow directions? Is it possible to surrender yourself over to something and actually be happy about it? Right now I'm very doubtful that I'll ever learn this concept of finding a middle ground that won't drive me crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not the only crazy out there with control issues, and that there are ways to happily find the perfect compromise with what I should do vs what I want to do!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Too Many Thanks to Contain
I realize that this post is a few weeks early for Thanksgiving, but I have been feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude in my life lately that I thought I should make sure I put it out into the universe.
1. Democracy: I honestly don't care which way you choose to vote in the election this week, as long as you voted. Both of my brother's served time in the military a lot of their time was after 9/11 and while I don't personally agree with most of the politics that surround the war. I am forever grateful to them and the men and women who have served or are currently serving our country. I appreciate all the people who worked hard to give me my rights, and for those who work to preserve them. Because of my experiences and decisions regarding Mason you can probably figure out who I voted for, but that's not important. I personally don't believe in taking rights away from people and I love that I live in a country where I am free to express that.
2. 2012: It was no secret that I despised 2012 for most of it's existence. If it was possible to kick a year's ass I would have been first in line. I went through so many changes and experiences that I never thought I would, and somehow managed to come out on top. This is an ongoing process of course... and I'm aware there is still 40+ days in the year, but I feel confident enough to say that 2012 went from practically killing me to becoming my bitch. Somewhere along the line 2012 helped me become the person that I've always hoped I could be. I'm more aware of myself and the most secure I have ever been in my life. I know most of that is from Mason, and I hope he never stops changing me. 2012, you can kiss my ass!
3. Faith: Over the last few years there have been pieces of my faith that I had lost. The lowest point was last January and I honestly thought I would never recover. I thought I would be angry at God forever but God is good, and patient and worked within me in ways I never knew before. Over time I started to allow myself to be in His hands and do His work on me. I stopped resisting for what was convenient and found happiness I never knew before. It's hard to describe what it feels like to have your faith restored but it's one of the greatest things I have to be thankful for. While I still have a hard time actually stepping foot into my church, I know as long as I put my faith in God I will be able to do this again some day. Right now, my relationship with God is a 'home schooled' version if you will, and right now that works for me.
4. My Husband: If I'm allowed to, I could talk about how lucky I am to be married to by best friend. In fact there are many posts where I go on and on about this partner of mine. We aren't perfect by any means, but we do have a remarkable partnership that works for us. I also happen to think he's smoking hot which doesn't hurt things ;) Through this year I found out more than ever that I picked the right person to spend my life with. Whenever he needs to really show up for me in life, he is always there and it usually involves little to no discussion about what we need to do that is right for us. I know this probably won't always be the case, but I hope that we always operate as a team and strive to put each other first. I think that's why some marriages have trouble, because they forget who is important: their partner.
5. My Family: I haven't always had the best relationship with my parents, and I am not particularly close to my siblings. It's sad but sometimes horrible things can bring people together and this year had that effect on my relationship with my family. I thought moving in with my parents and my sister would ruin everything we have built, and there are times that are hard, but for the most part that closeness we have developed has remained in tact. It's something I've always wanted growing up, and now I would do anything to protect it.
6. My Friends: This is where I consider myself extremely blessed. When I didn't have my family the way I do now, I had my friends. One of them, my best friend- and Averie's future Godmother- is the biggest blessing of them all. She is kind, she is smart and we've had the best times of my life together. She has been by my side for more than 8 years... I have known her for over 10 and have had the pleasure of seeing her blossom into this miraculous woman that I can only hope will rub off on Averie. I have had the pleasure of re-connecting with old friends from my childhood over the last few years and I like having a piece of my old self mixed with the person I have become. It's comforting to know you can still rely on the people you did when you were young. I'm not sure if a lot of people have this opportunity, but they should.
7. Averie Belle... my miracle. I know it's not up to her to make me a whole person, but I never felt like I was complete until I felt her kick for the first time. I always thought there were pieces of me that I would never get back. Not only from Mason, but from other parts of my life as well. I love my husband with everything I've ever known, but each day as she grows she grows my heart too. I never knew I could love anyone or anything so much, and I haven't even met her yet. I'm thankful for everything that 2012 has taught me, but I am forever in 2013's debt because it will give me my little girl. When I was young and I pictured myself having kids, it was always a little girl and I am more thankful to God, to the universe, to my husband, to fate... to everything that had a hand in giving me my dream of having a daughter.
There is so much I am thankful for, but those are the top of my list and deserve all the thanks in the world.
1. Democracy: I honestly don't care which way you choose to vote in the election this week, as long as you voted. Both of my brother's served time in the military a lot of their time was after 9/11 and while I don't personally agree with most of the politics that surround the war. I am forever grateful to them and the men and women who have served or are currently serving our country. I appreciate all the people who worked hard to give me my rights, and for those who work to preserve them. Because of my experiences and decisions regarding Mason you can probably figure out who I voted for, but that's not important. I personally don't believe in taking rights away from people and I love that I live in a country where I am free to express that.
2. 2012: It was no secret that I despised 2012 for most of it's existence. If it was possible to kick a year's ass I would have been first in line. I went through so many changes and experiences that I never thought I would, and somehow managed to come out on top. This is an ongoing process of course... and I'm aware there is still 40+ days in the year, but I feel confident enough to say that 2012 went from practically killing me to becoming my bitch. Somewhere along the line 2012 helped me become the person that I've always hoped I could be. I'm more aware of myself and the most secure I have ever been in my life. I know most of that is from Mason, and I hope he never stops changing me. 2012, you can kiss my ass!
3. Faith: Over the last few years there have been pieces of my faith that I had lost. The lowest point was last January and I honestly thought I would never recover. I thought I would be angry at God forever but God is good, and patient and worked within me in ways I never knew before. Over time I started to allow myself to be in His hands and do His work on me. I stopped resisting for what was convenient and found happiness I never knew before. It's hard to describe what it feels like to have your faith restored but it's one of the greatest things I have to be thankful for. While I still have a hard time actually stepping foot into my church, I know as long as I put my faith in God I will be able to do this again some day. Right now, my relationship with God is a 'home schooled' version if you will, and right now that works for me.
4. My Husband: If I'm allowed to, I could talk about how lucky I am to be married to by best friend. In fact there are many posts where I go on and on about this partner of mine. We aren't perfect by any means, but we do have a remarkable partnership that works for us. I also happen to think he's smoking hot which doesn't hurt things ;) Through this year I found out more than ever that I picked the right person to spend my life with. Whenever he needs to really show up for me in life, he is always there and it usually involves little to no discussion about what we need to do that is right for us. I know this probably won't always be the case, but I hope that we always operate as a team and strive to put each other first. I think that's why some marriages have trouble, because they forget who is important: their partner.
5. My Family: I haven't always had the best relationship with my parents, and I am not particularly close to my siblings. It's sad but sometimes horrible things can bring people together and this year had that effect on my relationship with my family. I thought moving in with my parents and my sister would ruin everything we have built, and there are times that are hard, but for the most part that closeness we have developed has remained in tact. It's something I've always wanted growing up, and now I would do anything to protect it.
6. My Friends: This is where I consider myself extremely blessed. When I didn't have my family the way I do now, I had my friends. One of them, my best friend- and Averie's future Godmother- is the biggest blessing of them all. She is kind, she is smart and we've had the best times of my life together. She has been by my side for more than 8 years... I have known her for over 10 and have had the pleasure of seeing her blossom into this miraculous woman that I can only hope will rub off on Averie. I have had the pleasure of re-connecting with old friends from my childhood over the last few years and I like having a piece of my old self mixed with the person I have become. It's comforting to know you can still rely on the people you did when you were young. I'm not sure if a lot of people have this opportunity, but they should.
7. Averie Belle... my miracle. I know it's not up to her to make me a whole person, but I never felt like I was complete until I felt her kick for the first time. I always thought there were pieces of me that I would never get back. Not only from Mason, but from other parts of my life as well. I love my husband with everything I've ever known, but each day as she grows she grows my heart too. I never knew I could love anyone or anything so much, and I haven't even met her yet. I'm thankful for everything that 2012 has taught me, but I am forever in 2013's debt because it will give me my little girl. When I was young and I pictured myself having kids, it was always a little girl and I am more thankful to God, to the universe, to my husband, to fate... to everything that had a hand in giving me my dream of having a daughter.
There is so much I am thankful for, but those are the top of my list and deserve all the thanks in the world.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
All About Us: Halloween Edition
I am a very lucky girl to be married to my very best friend in the whole world. One thing about our relationship that I would never change, is how much fun we have together. We have always been able to have fun just the two of us at home or out and about with friends. One of the things I am also lucky for, is the ability to talk my husband into dressing up each and every Halloween. He has always been a great sport and gone along with whatever crazy idea I came up with. He is so much fun too, because he really takes on whatever character I give him and will help to embellish his costume accordingly. Before we got pregnant this blog was also about us as a married couple and the things I love, Halloween happens to be at the top of the list. I thought it might be fun to share all our past Halloween costumes and reveal this year's.
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Our 1st Halloween: 2005 I fell in love with this 70's dress and Kev's only requirement was an afro! We were a huge hit with our families and no one accused us of being too old to trick or treat as we made our rounds in the neighborhood.
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| 2006: Nerds! This one is still my favorite. We won every costume contest that year- and Kev's costume was complete with a fanny pack! PLUS we got everything at good will so our costumes combined were less than $20! The inside joke of our costume was that we kept awkwardly making out (that's why he has lipstick all over his mouth) |
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| 2007: (also the last time i was skinny on Halloween) I forget what we said we were the God's of... at the time we had thought of funny things but they escape me now. Really, I just thought he would look hot (and I was right!) This one didn't take a lot of convincing haha |
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| 2008: I took the dress from my goddess costume the year before and sewed little hearts all over it to make me cupid. This was our first year living on our own and didn't have a lot of money. Kev came up with this excellent idea to help us be funny and save some moolah. This is my 3rd favorite costume of all time. (the 2nd is yet to come) |
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This is me being self indulgent and showing off what I thought was my "mad sewing skills" (I know NOTHING about sewing lol) ... I was pretty proud of my booty heart! In 2010 I was so sick that it was the only Halloween of my entire life that I didn't dress up. I was devastated but Kev brought me home to the bay area, him and his mom made all my favorite foods and we watched all my favorite Halloween movies. Despite my devastation, complete sickness (and flat out refusal to hand out candy because I didn't want to see everyone else dressed up) I had a pretty good night. 
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