Making Moves

There has been lots of construction going on at our place... this is one of the reasons we moved in with my parents, to help them with this process. That also means lots of shuffling things around to accommodate mess as the mess moves. A few days ago I was cleaning our room trying to maximize space and came across the journal I purchased for this baby right after I found out I was pregnant and realized that I still haven't written in it. I'm not really sure what it was that I was waiting for... I think maybe to make sure all the tests came back normal. There are still days when I don't feel pregnant at all and I forget that I am (I know that sounds bizarre) but this pregnancy is SO different that the way I'm feeling isn't forced on me at all times... hopefully that makes sense.

I started to think about the box full of Mason's things that was sitting in the garage in a stupid Home Depot box and it just didn't sit well with me. I went out and got a box that I could keep inside that would blend in with our decor and I could get to it easily if I ever wanted. I took out the journal for Mason and realized that the last time I wrote to him was in January. It kind of took me by surprise because I find myself having little conversations with him (no i don't hear voices- you can keep the straitjacket at bay for now) and I feel connected to him every day that it didn't even occur to me to write in his journal.

I've been staring at both of these journals knowing I should write in them and I just kept putting it off. Nothing against my husband but I always wrote in Mason's when I was alone and lately we have had most nights together so the time just wasn't right. I knew today that he had to work late and thought it would be a good idea for me to try. So, I sat and stared at both of them for a while... not really knowing where to start. I worry that this baby will feel like the only reason it's here is because Mason isn't and that kills me. I want this baby to know how much we want it and love it and are so happy that it came to us- no matter how unexpected- and what a blessing he or she is.

Finally, I put on my big girl panties and started writing. I thanked Mason for watching over all of us and for him helping me learn and grow into the person I want to be for my children. I thanked him for everything he has taught me so far, and for the feeling I get sometimes when I know everything is going to be ok. I told him to watch over his brother or sister and I promised him that they would know who he was and how he is a part of their story.

Then I started my first entry in the new journal. I started off telling the baby how loved it is and how excited everyone we know is. I also apologized for taking so long to write to them... that it was hard to figure out where to begin. I wrote about me and my husband and our story (the easy part) and then I started on the harder part- of explaining everything about Mason and that one day he or she could read Mason's journal if they wanted, but that was up to them. That Mason's story doesn't have to be all of theirs, but understanding that he is a piece of it. Since I made a point in Mason's journal to talk about how he was planned I wanted to let this baby know that while they arrived a little ahead of plan, it wasn't a mistake- i wanted them to know that they were the best surprise we could have ever asked for.

Then I started to move Mason's things from the stupid Home Depot box into his box. It was easier than I thought it would be, probably because it felt right. Of course there were some tears shed, but more from me not wanting to put the journal in the box yet. I just stood there and held it and allowed those few moments to feel whatever it was that I was feeling and to let out the tears I had been holding in while I was writing. When I was done I felt lucky to have these physical things that I could touch and see whenever I wanted. I know that for some, this isn't a luxury they have and I felt very grateful in that moment for these items... and I decided to share them, because sharing our story has helped me heal and if I can help someone else out there in the process, that's the best thing that can come out of my experiences.

 

There are only a few things in here. We made an effort to only put the things that were specifically give to us or bought for Mason. We have:

 -A Dr outfit and sneakers we were going to bring him home from the hospital in

-A burp cloth and matching beanie covered in duckies (we were going to go for an animal theme)

-A cream colored hand made blanket my sister in law (to show support of us not wanting to find out the sex initially)

-Mason's journal, of course

-The giraffe I slept with that my mom got me after we lost Mason... I just feel like it should be with him.



And this is where it will reside while we live in this house. One day when we have a house of our own we will keep it somewhere like the living room where we can easily get to it... I just never want it to be stored in a closet or something. Right next to it is the new baby's journal... I know it sounds corny but I just wanted them to be near each other. Right now I can see it in from my bed and right when I walk into the room and after having it there for just a few hours I already feel better. I feel better knowing it's there and that I can get to it easily, and it also feels like some weight has been lifted after writing in both journals.

I feel proud to have gotten through something that I thought would be hard, that ended up making me feel better than when I started.

Foundations

Last Saturday I spent my evening at my best friend's side during the Lauren's Ride kickoff dinner. I wrote about the event in my last blog, I also included links to get more information on the non-profit to get my best friend an adapted vehicle. You can re-fresh your mind on the cause here it was amazing to sit in a room absolutely full of people all with the same goal: to get my girl Lauren a ride and some much needed (and deserved) independence.

I was blown away by her bother John's speech describing his journey through this process and his anxious energy about starting his bicycle journey across the country. I was impressed with his mother's words of encouragement and the love she showed for her two kids. I was even more taken and lets face it, inspired by Lauren who took the room in her hands and basically made us all putty... i think the world of her- I mean she IS my best friend after all- but she can command a room like no one else, and she had us all captivated with every word that came out of her mouth. I was so inspired that I went home and was literally buzzing with positive energy.

They are still trying to figure out how much they raised at the dinner, for sure they made thousands... and there was a hint of being in the double digits... i seriously can't wait to find out how we did... i was taken aback by the generosity in that room and my heart was so full... i don't know how to describe it, i truly felt like i was part of something important and my only job of the night was to sit with Lauren ;) it's just amazing to me what people can accomplish when they work together.

I've been trying to figure out what my next step is... see, I was so inspired by the dinner that I thought more seriously than before about my idea for a foundation for women like me. I couldn't believe when we were being faced with the toughest decision of our lives, we also had to figure out a way to come up with $6,000 in a days notice. The alternative would have been to just wait for the second trimester miscarriage or even worse early labor... all the while my son being in pain.

I still get emotional thinking about telling my dad what insurance had said, and without even a minute going by he told us not to worry about it, that he would take care of the cost. When we tried to pay him back, he wouldn't let us... he was perfectly fine being our hero. My parent's aren't made of money, I don't remember ever struggling growing up but I know that dropping $6000 was not an easy task. I still don't know how he did it or where he got it from but that day he was Mason's angel.

I want to be someone's angel.

I want women like me who are given an impossible choice and only want to do what is best for their children to have someone to turn to when insurance deems them unfit. I want couples like us to be able to have options and have one less thing to worry about. I remember i posted on facebook that i wanted to start a foundation for couples who are ready to start trying again, that sent them on vacation somewhere so they could reconnect and not have the pressure on. So many of my friends were supportive, and it made me think of all the people like me who didn't have that same support. I want to be all of these things, but I'm not really educated on how to start things like this.

I am scared though, that people will take what I want to do into a negative context. I don't want to be seen as someone who promotes the 'easy way out' (like some have told me) or anything like that. I know I'm not alone, I know there are women out there who have been in the same situation as us, and just wanted to do what they felt was right for their child. I want to be the person they can turn to and I want to be able to help them. It's just something I've been thinking about for some time but after seeing John and Lauren's idea become a reality... well it's hard not to be inspired to try and add more compassion and love to the world.

I'll be doing research, and maybe one of my future blogs will have more insight. Mason changed me in so many ways, I want to make him proud of his mommy and maybe this is one way I can.

A Cluster Update

It's been weeks since I've been able to update... which is a good thing, because I am pretty busy... but then a bad thing because I (sometimes) pre-plan blogs and the other topics occur to me and it seems like too much time goes by before I can get them all out. So I decided to write one blog with all the things that have been swirling around in my head the last few weeks... and a few life updates as well.

Lets start with the most recent. I had my 12 week appointment with the Family Medical Foundation that deals with all the prenatal screening I did 2 weeks ago. I wrote about it in my previous post, and had to wait 2 whole weeks- patience is not one of my strenghts- and they did an ultrasound to do a test called Neuchal Translucency. Basically they look for the fluid behind the neck and measure it and if its a certain size then there are more tests to do. I have good news here: all my prenatal screening came back normal as well as the NT test. We even go to see the baby moving around like crazy and stretching. The ultrasound tech even said if she had to guess she thinks we are having a girl. She made sure to tell us its too soon to be sure and made us promise not to go out and by anything but it did cause us to try to nail down a girls name.

If its a boy, we are going to name him Logan Reilly (Reilly is my husband's middle name too) and if its a girl I am really torn between Averie Belle (I just really love Beauty and the Beast) and Aubrie Kira (Kira is my middle name) we even took to facebook to ask our friends to help, but it came back pretty much down the middle. We keep yelling the names to see if they sound right and I'm constantly saying them in my head to see if something feels more comfortable... hopefully we will have a decision soon... i like things to be planned out and set well in advance.

Today is our 2 year secret anniversary. We eloped to Reno and got married 6 months before our huge wedding. I wrote about it in a previous post here We have talked about celebrating our wedding anniversary on today's date in case the baby decides to be born a day late... so for some reason we felt the need to start today... my husband and i sent sweet texts to each other all day (our schedules were sadly completely opposite today). Last year we went on a date to acknowledge the date, but this year I think we're just happy enough being in a good place, nothing else really needs to happen.

A few months ago a very good friend of my suffered a miscarriage. Another good friend of mine is currently going through one as well. I really think if I hadn't experienced everything with Mason these two people, while we obviously care about each other, might not have let me in on what was going on and their feelings surrounding it. Of course we would all like to think our friends would be there for us no matter what but sometimes, like in these situations, its hard to know who to open up to. I've been feeling lately that the reason I went through all this, was to help others going through similar situations. I am not trying to toot my own horn, obviously my input would not make or break their grieving and healing process... but it does make me uniquely qualified to have some understanding of what is going on. I feel honored that these women feel like they can talk to me, even if I don't feel like I'm really helping.. I carry a hope that being able to ask me questions or compare our experiences helps them in some way.

I have prayed about this for so long, and I really think God put me here specifically to help someone else through things like this. Kind of like a right time/right place thing but more like a right person/right understanding situation. I have moments where I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be for a reason... and when these incredible women are opening up to me, i feel it the most, and its such a humbling experience and I'm so thankful and grateful.

There are also people that I think I was meant to meet, people that have changed my life for the better with their unique understanding of the situations I've been in. One of those people is my best friend. Normally on my blog of 6000+ readers a month I try to at least keep anonymity for those around me (besides my husband haha) but this time I wanted to share something with my readers because they can make a difference... My best friend Lauren is a quadriplegic who is ready to transfer colleges and start making a difference. She is going to change the world one day, but she needs a car to be able to do so. Her brother, John, is riding his bike from the San Francisco Bridge to the Brooklyn Bridge in an attempt to raise money to buy his sister an adapted vehicle.

Lauren is one of those people that always puts others before herself, she is incredibly kind, and one of the most intuitive people I have ever met. She's one of those people that really sees who you are and embraces you, flaws and all. I've known her for over 10 years and we have been so blessed to have her in our life. She was going to be Mason's god mother because I couldn't think of anyone else I wanted my children to learn about life from.

I could go on and on about her and her heroic brother and the ride that kicks off on September 9th, but you can also go to their website and learn more for yourself. You can even visit the media page and see some articles I've written for the the Newark Patch or go here for a direct link to the blogs I've written for their cause. Check out their page, like them on their facebook, and spread the word. Even if you donate $10 it makes a world of difference to them. Heck, spreading the word will do so much! I even made a page on facebook called Lauren and Ellen Should be BFFs to try and get Ellen Degeneres' attention on the ride. Check it out, you won't be sorry ;)

I think that's it for now... I hope my readers have had a great 2 weeks and I promise not to have so long in between blog posts ;)