I thought I was doing amazing, and then I had my 10 week appointment today and I was unpleasantly surprised how nervous and anxious I felt all day. I literally had a hard time taking a deep breath all day during work (I had an afternoon appointment) and I do this nervous foot shaking thing that is mostly absentminded but sometimes I have to make an effort to make it stop. I knew I was nervous about this appointment but I guess I didn't realize just how nervous I really was.
The thing that threw me for a loop was the nurse we had today. It was the nurse I mentioned here that wouldn't look me in the eye when we went into our pre-surgery appointment. It seemed odd to me that we was being overly friendly until she made a comment that she remembered me. I wasn't quite sure how to take it- did she remember the part where she refused to look me in the eye and judged me too? Or did she remember that after everything we went through, and seeing the support from some of the other staff I felt compelled to write a note to the staff thanking them for their kind words and support and making sure to reference the time that she treated me so horribly? Either way I just felt uncomfortable with her over-niceness and that she was the one handling all my concerns today.
When she took my blood pressure it was high... 120 she even made a comment that I'm too little to have such high blood pressure and asked me if I was anxious. Of course I was anxious! Her being my nurse today didn't help anything. When she asked how much testing I wanted to do today I told her everything- order everything and she did the smallest laugh... and i didn't know how to take it. Was she nervous so she was trying to lighten the situation or is she just a bitch? Either way I knew I would be fighting the urge to cry the rest of my appointment, and sure enough I was.
In my last pregnancy I missed the 1st trimester period where you can do genetic testing- mainly because I didn't know it was available to me. This time I knew I wanted a full work up- in fact it was something my midwife tried to lighten the mood with- she knew how anxious I was. There are small moments in time where I am completely thankful for the people that surround me, even if its for a very small amount of time. My midwife is very sweet and is really funny and she knew before she even came into the room how nervous I was and tried her best to make me feel better.
She succeeded by telling me over and over that whatever I'm feeling is OK and I 'get to feel that way after what I've been through' and that I can call and bug her as much as I want to. She asked me about my blood pressure and I told her I was just nervous about the test results. I joked that maybe I'll feel better once they come back and she picked up on how I was trying to smile during a hard time and told me that typically people in my situation don't relax until I'm holding the baby. She also told me it's OK.
To be honest I haven't felt this kind of anxiety in such a long time that it completely took me by surprise, and even more so that it was showing in my BP... normally I convince myself that things are in my head so when they actually showed concern it made me pay attention. Like I've said in the past, this pregnancy is different and I take each day as it comes but I know that I'll be OK. I am more comfortable with letting myself feel things that maybe I don't like, and I know that I will be better once the test results come back. I just have to wait a little bit...
See... they have a new test that gives the same results as an amniocentesis but the test is much less invasive... like no foot long needle going into my stomach less invasive and they want to send me to do that test at a separate facility. They are also going to do a detailed ultrasound to make sure everything looks good. At this point I don't even care if our insurance covers it, I'll find a way to pay for it, I just want to be sure that I'm exhausting every avenue that is available to me. If my situation can help someone realize how important 1st trimester genetic testing is, then it's all worth it. Even if you would make a different decision than I did, knowledge is power and when your educated on what your going to be facing it makes a world of difference.
So now I wait for this other facility to call me and I will hopefully go in next week. The test can be done at 11 weeks so it should all work out perfectly. They will even tell me all the results of my blood tests from today. Because my BP was high I decided to skip my normal Tuesday/Thursday Zumba class and try to relax. So here I am trying to get every last worry out of my head so I can try to enjoy some time at home with my hubby and my animals. The one great thing from my appointment today was getting to hear the baby's heart beat. It just eased so much of my worries and the look on my husbands face, well that can make almost anything better.
Because I needed to have a therapeutic writing session you can expect an influx of blogs from me this week- I had already preplanned 2 other topics to write about... they just got bumped a little for my little bump ;) I hope everyone else had a great, low BP day!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Not Afraid
If I hear one more person tell me how surprised they are that I can keep up with physical activity I'm going to slap them.
I realize that I am not as small and skinny as I once was, but in my opinion I am healthier than when I was super skinny. I eat healthy, I exercise at a MINIMUM of 3 times a week- in fact sometimes I exercise every day of the week and I feel great (despite pesky pregnancy symptoms). When I was super skinny I had horrible eating and sleeping habits and was skinnier more from stress than anything.
So, when I am at a zumba class, or I go for a run, or do my workout videos or I am able to keep up on a simple walk I can't help but get annoyed when those things that are regular for me, and easy for me and met with awe and surprise that I was able to do them. I'm young, I'm healthy and yes, I'm pregnant and guess what... I can still do the things I've been doing for months and months and frankly I find the shock from others a little insulting. I am a short girl so my extra pounds are a little more evident but I wouldn't consider myself 'fat'. I don't have rolls, I hardly have cellulite, I don't run out of breath easily, I actually think I look fit- it just may be a larger version that the magazines or society show you... but I think I do well with what I have, and I do my best to take care of it.
I do understand that others have concerns when I work out the way I do while I'm pregnant but don't you think that after everything I've been through I've done my research and I know what is ok? Don't you think I would have made sure to have this conversation with my doctor before going at it? Despite my appearance, I am in better shape than most people I encounter.
I seem to remember a similar post in my last pregnancy when I was irritated with the amount of stuff that gets shoved onto you when your pregnant but then I wasn't healthy, and i didn't do all the research that I do now. I find it insulting and irritating the amount of times people try to tell me what I can and can't do. I think I know better than anyone else what I am capable of, and here is news for you: I'm not going to go through this pregnancy afraid of what I can and can't do. I've taken all the precautions and ya know what, I still didn't get my happy ending.
I'm not sure when, but somewhere along this journey I've stopped being afraid. I guess a part of me subconsciously decided that I didn't need to feel scared the whole time and it's allowed me to actually enjoy my pregnancy. Granted, I'm only 9.5 weeks along but so far its been an entirely different 9.5 weeks than with Mason, and I am embracing those differences instead of being terrified of them.
Right after we lost Mason, I made predictions that I wouldn't be able to breathe or concentrate if I ever got pregnant again, and I'm here to tell you I was wrong. (Someone write this date in the calendar because that doesn't happen very often- just don't tell my husband.) I'm happy, and I'm confident in my decisions so far, I just feel different. I'm not sure I can explain it... but I guess I feel like I have gone through so much and if all of that was just to live my life scared of everything... well something would be wrong with that. I think everything happened with Mason to wake me up. I lived so much of my life scared even before he came into my life... and he changed me, at first I thought for the worse... but really it was for the better. I went through all that so I could help other people when they go through it, I went through all that so that I could grow, I went through all that so in this pregnancy I wouldn't be afraid.
I guess that's why I get so defensive when people tell me what I can and can't do... because they have no idea what I'm capable of... heck even I didn't know. I just know that I'm living each day as it comes and I'm no longer afraid for the day that it all hits me... because IF that day even comes I know I can handle it, I feel like I can do anything because Mason helps me every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my son, but I'm not always sad like before. In the short time he was in my life he gave me so much to be thankful for, and so much strength that was inside me that I never even knew I had, and he helps me every day as I go through this pregnancy to be extremely thankful for the baby that's growing inside me.
I know I've said it before, but I know he is watching over us, protecting our little family and I can't wait to share the journal I kept for Mason with this little brother or sister and I think I'm finally ready to start a new journal for this baby. Although this pregnancy was a surprise I want our baby to know how happy we are and how wanted they are... and how we weren't afraid.
I realize that I am not as small and skinny as I once was, but in my opinion I am healthier than when I was super skinny. I eat healthy, I exercise at a MINIMUM of 3 times a week- in fact sometimes I exercise every day of the week and I feel great (despite pesky pregnancy symptoms). When I was super skinny I had horrible eating and sleeping habits and was skinnier more from stress than anything.
So, when I am at a zumba class, or I go for a run, or do my workout videos or I am able to keep up on a simple walk I can't help but get annoyed when those things that are regular for me, and easy for me and met with awe and surprise that I was able to do them. I'm young, I'm healthy and yes, I'm pregnant and guess what... I can still do the things I've been doing for months and months and frankly I find the shock from others a little insulting. I am a short girl so my extra pounds are a little more evident but I wouldn't consider myself 'fat'. I don't have rolls, I hardly have cellulite, I don't run out of breath easily, I actually think I look fit- it just may be a larger version that the magazines or society show you... but I think I do well with what I have, and I do my best to take care of it.
I do understand that others have concerns when I work out the way I do while I'm pregnant but don't you think that after everything I've been through I've done my research and I know what is ok? Don't you think I would have made sure to have this conversation with my doctor before going at it? Despite my appearance, I am in better shape than most people I encounter.
I seem to remember a similar post in my last pregnancy when I was irritated with the amount of stuff that gets shoved onto you when your pregnant but then I wasn't healthy, and i didn't do all the research that I do now. I find it insulting and irritating the amount of times people try to tell me what I can and can't do. I think I know better than anyone else what I am capable of, and here is news for you: I'm not going to go through this pregnancy afraid of what I can and can't do. I've taken all the precautions and ya know what, I still didn't get my happy ending.
I'm not sure when, but somewhere along this journey I've stopped being afraid. I guess a part of me subconsciously decided that I didn't need to feel scared the whole time and it's allowed me to actually enjoy my pregnancy. Granted, I'm only 9.5 weeks along but so far its been an entirely different 9.5 weeks than with Mason, and I am embracing those differences instead of being terrified of them.
Right after we lost Mason, I made predictions that I wouldn't be able to breathe or concentrate if I ever got pregnant again, and I'm here to tell you I was wrong. (Someone write this date in the calendar because that doesn't happen very often- just don't tell my husband.) I'm happy, and I'm confident in my decisions so far, I just feel different. I'm not sure I can explain it... but I guess I feel like I have gone through so much and if all of that was just to live my life scared of everything... well something would be wrong with that. I think everything happened with Mason to wake me up. I lived so much of my life scared even before he came into my life... and he changed me, at first I thought for the worse... but really it was for the better. I went through all that so I could help other people when they go through it, I went through all that so that I could grow, I went through all that so in this pregnancy I wouldn't be afraid.
I guess that's why I get so defensive when people tell me what I can and can't do... because they have no idea what I'm capable of... heck even I didn't know. I just know that I'm living each day as it comes and I'm no longer afraid for the day that it all hits me... because IF that day even comes I know I can handle it, I feel like I can do anything because Mason helps me every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my son, but I'm not always sad like before. In the short time he was in my life he gave me so much to be thankful for, and so much strength that was inside me that I never even knew I had, and he helps me every day as I go through this pregnancy to be extremely thankful for the baby that's growing inside me.
I know I've said it before, but I know he is watching over us, protecting our little family and I can't wait to share the journal I kept for Mason with this little brother or sister and I think I'm finally ready to start a new journal for this baby. Although this pregnancy was a surprise I want our baby to know how happy we are and how wanted they are... and how we weren't afraid.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Surprising Even Myself
I didn't even realize that it's been weeks since I last updated. I guess you could say I've been caught up in life... in a great way. I've been so happy and there is even a part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep feeling like I should be having some kind of nervous break down during this pregnancy, but I feel great. Even on the days that morning sickness gets the best of me I still feel great- I feel thankful and respectful of the blessing we've been giving.
I've been going through each day as it comes, and each day I am trying to anticipate the inevitable emotional melt down that for some reason, I'm convinced I'm supposed to have.... but I haven't. I keep trying to figure out what I'm feeling but I'm not feeling anything in particular. I am happy, I am going with the flow... I'm at ease and its kinda weird lol
At our ultrasound on the 30th we found out that I am 7 weeks along. Our Dr thinks that I ovulated late causing me not to be as far along as he initially thought. The best part of the appointment was hearing the heart beat- it was good and strong and its a great sign that everything is going the way it should. We go in again on Thursday to re-measure my uterus and finally nail down a due date. Right now, he gave us March 20th, 2013... March 17th is our 8 Year anniversary together, and March 19th is our 2nd wedding anniversary. We couldn't help but be amused at the timing. We are also secretly hoping that the baby decides to come between the 17th and the 19th- it would be especially perfect if they came on the 18th... right in between both of our important dates (and also the birthday of one of my favorite people).
We have decided that things are going to be different this time. I am embracing the annoying pregnancy symptoms. I'm actually finding humor in the fact that my body is changing faster than last time, and I am enjoying the challenge of finding cute maternity clothes while packing up the clothes I can't use in the foreseeable future. Actually, I got a surprise from myself while I was unpacking all my old maternity clothes... I had written myself a note and completely forgotten about it. So when I read it, it confirmed everything I've already been embracing. It was sweet so I'll leave you all with it and the knowledge that for once, I am all good ;) I'm pretty confident that Mason is watching over all 3 of us and that is why we are doing so well.
1/30/12
Cheyenne,
If you are opening this- we are pregnant again! Yay for us! Hopefully, you are happy and healthy and our baby is doing great.
Hopefully you are still excited to get back into these!
Love yourself, forgive yourself and embrace everything about this baby.
<3 you
I've been going through each day as it comes, and each day I am trying to anticipate the inevitable emotional melt down that for some reason, I'm convinced I'm supposed to have.... but I haven't. I keep trying to figure out what I'm feeling but I'm not feeling anything in particular. I am happy, I am going with the flow... I'm at ease and its kinda weird lol
At our ultrasound on the 30th we found out that I am 7 weeks along. Our Dr thinks that I ovulated late causing me not to be as far along as he initially thought. The best part of the appointment was hearing the heart beat- it was good and strong and its a great sign that everything is going the way it should. We go in again on Thursday to re-measure my uterus and finally nail down a due date. Right now, he gave us March 20th, 2013... March 17th is our 8 Year anniversary together, and March 19th is our 2nd wedding anniversary. We couldn't help but be amused at the timing. We are also secretly hoping that the baby decides to come between the 17th and the 19th- it would be especially perfect if they came on the 18th... right in between both of our important dates (and also the birthday of one of my favorite people).
We have decided that things are going to be different this time. I am embracing the annoying pregnancy symptoms. I'm actually finding humor in the fact that my body is changing faster than last time, and I am enjoying the challenge of finding cute maternity clothes while packing up the clothes I can't use in the foreseeable future. Actually, I got a surprise from myself while I was unpacking all my old maternity clothes... I had written myself a note and completely forgotten about it. So when I read it, it confirmed everything I've already been embracing. It was sweet so I'll leave you all with it and the knowledge that for once, I am all good ;) I'm pretty confident that Mason is watching over all 3 of us and that is why we are doing so well.
1/30/12
Cheyenne,
If you are opening this- we are pregnant again! Yay for us! Hopefully, you are happy and healthy and our baby is doing great.
Hopefully you are still excited to get back into these!
Love yourself, forgive yourself and embrace everything about this baby.
<3 you
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