Sunday, June 17, 2012

Mason's Due Date

We hit a new milestone this week... Mason's due date was Monday, May 11th. I've been avoiding writing about it because I wasn't sure how I would handle it. Tomorrow will be a week, so I figured I should give it a shot. It seems like so long ago that we were making our Halloween Costumes telling the world that we were pregnant...
Our 2011 Halloween Costumes and pregnancy announcement.

It's almost like a dream when I really think about it. I wake up sometimes and go to reach for my stomach and it's like I relive everything all over again. I was so scared for all the days leading up to the 11th, trying to prepare myself somehow for how I would feel and trying to do damage control early. I'm not sure why I always convince myself I can control things when I think the universe has proven to me many times that I can't.

Surprisingly, I woke up fully knowing what that day was, and I looked over at my husband who was already awake and looking at me and I smiled. I don't know how to describe it besides a warm calmness that washed over me and I knew everything was going to be ok. We took our time lounging in bed with our animals. In fact, we had already decided to spend the day unplugged from the rest of the world so we took our time getting up, eating breakfast and getting ready.

We spent most of the day at a beach in Santa Cruz that we used to go to all the time before we lived in Monterey. We call it dog beach because dogs are allowed to run around without a leash, but neither of us even thought to bring our dog. I guess on some level we both knew we wanted to be alone. We spent the day laying on the sand talking, napping, people watching, listening to music and enjoying ourselves. In the past I've always experienced guilt for being content, but not that day. Why, I'll never know, but I was just happy to be with my husband on the beach and happy not to question it.

Enjoying each other and the beauty around us.

That night I was scheduled for rehearsal but I had anticipated being a ball of goo, so I had pre-arranged not to be there that night weeks ago. However, the days leading up to Mason's day the happiest I had been was in rehearsal with my cast. It dawned on me that if I was going to have to live through that day (and of course I was) I should do something that really makes me happy. So, the day before I got permission to bring my husband with me and we went to rehearsal. I had posted on my facebook that we were wearing blue for Mason and when I got there I was truly overwhelmed when I saw how much of my cast was sporting blue.

I don't think these people will ever really know what being in this show truly means to me, and what they mean to me... but to see so many of them wearing blue - while also treating me like they do at any normal rehearsal... it just meant the whole world to me. I feel like myself again when I am around them, and when I am performing... so to feel that support and that acceptance, well I was truly honored and humbled.

After rehearsal a member of the cast presented me and my husband with a card that had been signed by everyone and a bouquet of beautiful roses. I was so honored that any of them even wore blue, so this gesture really took my breath away. I had to hide for a minute with my head tucked into my husband's shoulder just so I could continue rehearsal.

The beautiful flowers and card from my cast


I have learned within the many disappointing interactions with loads of people in my lifetime to have low expectations. I don't mean that in a woe is me kind of way, but a truthful one. People can disappoint you... but that night was beyond anything I could have ever asked for, or even prayed for. I didn't want any special treatment, I just wanted to be able to spend a few hours of a day that I already hated doing something I loved. I not only got to do that, but I found out that I have this entire support system.. and I couldn't have asked for a better life lesson on that day.

Which brings me to something I am trying to work out within myself. If I was still pregnant with Mason then I never would have experienced that special night, in fact I wouldn't have even been able to do the play. My new job falls into that as well, I can't think of many companies that would hire a 7 months pregnant woman. I love my new job, and I love my cast... I'm even starting to love my shrinking body... is it ok for me to appreciate these things when I should be enjoying a newborn?

The days after Mason's due date have been interesting. The day of and the day after I felt calm and ok with my reality, but the last few days have been different. I've had this heaviness that I haven't been able to shake. I've gotten pretty good at hiding it, but when I'm alone and without plans is when I can't escape it. The other night I was so overcome with sadness that I couldn't even talk... I found myself getting furious over the stupid things people called problems that day. All I could think about was the fact that I should be holding a new born right in that moment, and someone was complaining about which show to watch next. I was just a lump that my husband was trying so hard to help. He even tried to take me on a date, and I don't think I even made eye contact with him.

Then today, I wake up and its Father's Day and I am overcome with adoration and respect for the man that was sleeping next to me. I felt so appreciative of him and the life he is trying to build for us. I love that he can look so optimistically into our future and just know that everything is going to be ok. I wish I could be more like him sometimes- especially when I have the bad days. Today I spent the day with my dad, who is an amazing man and father... and it turned out to be a great day.

 I also got some surprise news from a friend that I truly love dearly. In the past when I've heard this same news about people that I am not as fond of I ended up angry at the world. Today, when I heard this news it gave me hope. I was so happy and excited and my reaction showed me that I am healing.. through God, through myself, things are changing and that helps me see the world the way my husband does.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Cracked Out

When I was 16 I was in a major car accident- and immediately following my almost near death experience I went straight to a dance rehearsal and never sought any medical attention for what I thought was routine soreness...

While in dance rehearsals for my current play I noticed that I wasn't able to do as many things with my body that I was used to but chalked it up to the fact that I've added quite a few pounds since I last danced (over 5 years ago) but then I started having this feeling where it felt like someone was stabbing me under my shoulder blade and my pinkie and 3rd finger would periodically go numb. Then i started to feel a pinching in the very middle of my back and decided I needed to actually go see a specialist.

I had never been to a chiropractor before and I was pretty nervous- I was scared it would hurt and as usual, I had convinced myself that it was all in my head. The chiropractor I saw knew what was wrong with me before I could even finish explaining it to him. He also explained that the nerves that he suspected were pinched were also the cause of my stomach being upset the last few weeks. Apparently that is a common side effect to a pinched nerve because all your major organs are connected to a nerve in your spine.

After having some X-Rays done and an initial exam he told me to come back in a few days and he would give me my first adjustment. I was excited and terrified at the same time. I also felt a sense of relief that I had confirmation that there really were underlying issues that I hadn't fabricated in my own head. I thought it was interesting how he could tell that i was in an accident many years ago, and he suspected that most of my issues stemmed from that and progressed as the years passed.

When I went back today I was surprised at my X-Rays... there is supposed to be an S like curve in your neck if your looking at it from the side, but mine is a straight line. When you look at my spine from the front it kind of zig zags like a Z from side to side and that is supposed to be straight. Basically, my spine is doing the exact opposite of what it's supposed to... for about 5 minutes I was terrified, then he told me it was all fixable and I started to relax. Unfortunately he asked me if anyone in my family had had any spinal cord issues in the past and suddenly I was not in control of my emotions.

Out of nowhere I just started crying. Not a full on- bawling situation but there were most definitely tears and I couldn't stop them. He was very alarmed that he had said something wrong, so I explained what had happened to Mason. His reaction surprised me, he said "you did the right thing" and in that moment i believed him. I know we did the right thing, but there were parts of me that still had doubts that we could have done something else- and for some reason hearing that from the 'spine guy' made me feel better. He kept apologizing for making me cry, and I kept assuring him that my reaction was as much as a surprise to me as it was to him.

We decided starting my therapy would be the best move for both of us- so off we went. I had to lay in all these weird positions while he cracked my back and my sides but the weirdest one was the neck. I don't know how often you allow a complete stranger to twist your neck into positrons that could potentially kill you- I usually don't so this was a new experience for me, and the sounds that your body makes during an adjustment are really creepy but I could feel relief instantly- especially to the parts of my back that have been bothering me.

Next he had me sit in a chair and he attached these silicone pads to my back that sent mini shock waves to my muscles... it felt good and weird at the same time. Very tingly- but not the kind when a limb falls asleep... less annoying I suppose. Anyway this machine sends little shocks to your muscles and its supposed to help loosen and stretch them out so next time I go in (in another few days) it will be easier for him to adjust the actual portions of my spine that need to be popped back into place. Then i got to sit in this over sized and really powerful massage chair- for 20 minutes I was in complete heaven.

The whole time I just kept thinking what an idiot I've been to be so afraid to go in. Honestly, even if we have to pay out of pocket for this service I don't think it would stop me from going. There is so much relief from pain that I already feel only hours later and we haven't even done the in-depth stuff yet... I can't wait to go back!!!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Proud

The last few days have been very interesting and surprising to me. When it was still May and I was dreading June- even hating on it- I didn't think I would have any days until after the 11th where I would feel anything but despair. I was pleasantly surprised with the weekend and even how I feel this morning.

On Saturday I had rehearsal for the play I'm in and got to spend the entire day dancing. I don't know if I can describe how I feel when I am dancing or singing- I am not particularly good at either but i still enjoy it very much- I guess you could say I feel free. I don't feel the anger or the sadness looming over me. It's a bit like an out of body experience I guess, I know that when I walk out of that room all the crap I have going on will be waiting for me, but its like it cant touch me when I'm in there. My own protective dance bubble if you will. I felt great (and tired- i mean i was dancing ALL day) and for a little while I got to forget who I am and what I've been through and I had an opportunity to remember why I love being on stage so much. I was so grateful for those 5 hours where I got to be someone else for a little while. Still me I guess... just a version of myself I had forgotten until that point.

Saturday night I went through our external hard drive to purge out some of the things we didn't need anymore and came across all of our old photos from the last 7 years. My husband and I have had this incredible journey that again, because of my sadness, i had forgotten all about. When i describe my anger taking over me- it really does take over all of me, my memories, my thoughts... and I had forgotten all the amazing times we had had together before January. It's like my mind was blocking it out because I really couldn't believe I could be happy again... and then there it was in front of me... each photo bringing me back to the time it was taken and I was completely overcome with gratitude for all that we have been through. The good and the bad, we have always done it together... grown together... learned from our experiences together.... all the while preparing us for now... its like it all dawned on me that the last 7 years have helped shape and form us into the people we are now so that we could get through our loss together.

I was, and am, so humbled and grateful when I looked back at our relationship as a whole and could see the path leading up to now. There are so many people in this world who don't get to experience that- and even though i despise some of the paths that have lead us to now, I couldn't be more thankful for the person that has been by my side the entire ride.

On Sunday I decided to go to church to see if I could have a conversation with God and get some answers. I want to understand what all this was for. It kills me to think that it was all for a greater purpose... wasn't our son supposed to be my greater purpose? Then an old friend who has been through something similar told me that to her- her loss and experiences within it have given her a greater understanding of loss, and now she is uniquely qualified to somewhat understand what someone else in our sad little club might be feeling. It's somewhat new and strange for me to try and think that way... but it game me hope.

When we first starting sharing our story I can't tell you how many people felt like they could share with me about their own losses- and some of them even told me that our conversation was the first time they've talked about it since it happened. I was so touched by that, and also intimidated by the bond that I now shared with these people. It's the absolute worst club to be in... but if my loss can help someone else connect or help them revisit these powerful emotions then it's all worth it- and maybe in that way Mason still is my greater purpose. He made me uniquely aware of my own feelings and how to help someone else with theirs. He has also helped me realize that things and people that have hurt me in the past aren't worth the energy I once gave to them. It also made me feel like I need to reach out and make amends with those that I have wronged in the past- even though that part can be terrifying... a little part of me feels like Mason is guiding me, and that I am somehow making him proud of me.... which really is the biggest blessing because I am so proud to be his mom- and that has taken me a long time to realize.