It's been a few weeks since my last entry, and for good reason I suppose. There has been a lot of things going on keeping me busy- my new job, play rehearsals, dance classes, and oh yeah- I thought I was pregnant.
With my brain full to capacity, it seemed impossible to even attempt to write out my thoughts to try and make any sense of things. Let me start at the beginning... Since making the decision to wait until we're ready, my husband and I have taken extra precautions to prevent the unexpected surprise, but I mean... my husband is REALLY hot... so sometimes... well... I'll let you revert back to being in a gym full of 13 year olds while uncomfortable PE teachers explain things to you...
Anyway, I was about 10 days away from getting my monthly confirmation that my life still sucks (not completely...just kinda) and I was feeling horrible every single day- exhausted, emotional and throwing up every night. The last one is what really had me convinced- and the fact that I've been eating healthy while exercising way more than normal and not shedding a single pound. It was all very suspicious... but I had to wait until results (if there were any) would show up... so i waited... and waited... when I could finally take a test it was negative. I remembered that the first test was negative back when I actually was pregnant so I decided to try again in a few days just to be sure... then there was more waiting... and another negative test.
The next day I got my monthly 'gift' and spent about 20 minutes crying my eyes out. Then I picked myself up and reminded myself that it's not the right time for this to happen and that God had a plan for me. I have to remind myself of this a lot, because it's still hard to relinquish control. I am trying, I swear.... but....I feel like I should warn you that the next part is very 'why me' and in the tone of a selfish whiny brat... but let's go with it...
Then the next day I heard that 2 of the most vile human beings I have ever met were both pregnant and I couldn't help the anger that washed over me. When I say vile... I am being nice. I know that it's wrong to feel that way about people... but believe me, I have good reason. That being said I just have a really hard time trying to figure out what God's bigger picture is when revolting people like that get to have this blessing and I don't. I'm not claiming to be perfect by any means- I think all my blog entries are proof that I am aware of my flaws- but sometimes... it's just really hard to have faith that things are going to be ok. THEN I heard that someone I care about is pregnant too- and I couldn't be more happy for them... so it kind of balanced out my emotions.... I know, even I don't understand how my brain works...
I've been struggling with this ever since we were dragged into this mess... what am I supposed to be learning about myself? What am I supposed to do in the future? Who am I supposed to be when I come out of this? I know, again, I need to relinquish control and have faith but like I said- its really hard. Sometimes it feels like there is no point to any of this, that it's all random and we got dealt the crappy hand. I keep wondering what it is I am being punished for- and why really horrible people are getting these blessings that I would give anything for. I don't understand what it's all supposed to mean, and I guess I never will as long as I am looking for it...
I really want to lie and say that the last few weeks have been going as well as my last post but I guess I'm in the lower part of this roller coaster... I don't feel happy, I don't feel optimistic and right now I don't have any faith it will get better. I can feel pieces of myself slipping away as each day gets closer and closer to June 11th. The day my son would have been born if all of this didn't happen to me. It's so overwhelming to me right now, to have a date on a calendar have so much power over me, yet even when I realize what's going on I have zero control over how it effects me.
There is a saying that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it. What am I supposed to do when I feel like it's the other way around? When I feel like I can't even breathe, and I can feel my patience draining, and all this hard work I have put into myself for the last 5 months just slipping from my fingers... what am I supposed to do? Let it happen... let this darkness take over me? What does that accomplish? It's like as much as I know logically that letting the bad parts take over, I know equally trying to pretend they aren't there is just as damaging. So I'm at this impasse where my insides don't match the outside that I am trying so hard to project.
I have this white-board calendar and I haven't been able to write in June's days yet. It's so stupid, and even though I know this, I still can't seem to do it. Something so small and stupid and I can't even get my shit together to write some days on a white board... what the hell does that mean? For a control freak like me, not knowing what is going on is terrifying but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. It's like I'm living in 2 worlds simultaneously and I'm not sure which one I prefer...
There is something that I keep reminding myself as I go up and down on this crazy ride.. the only good thing about the low parts- is that the only place to go is up.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
A Bi-Polar Post
I know it's been a while since I last updated. The truth is, I've been super busy and also pretty happy. I know I should probably update more when I am doing well, it isn't an intentional habit- I just find that when I am happy it's actually harder to articulate what I'm thinking. Plus, I usually know the exact reason why I am feeling good. When I'm upset I actually need to write to figure out what is going on with me. This blog is more than a journal (even though I don't really like that classification) it's a way for me to make sense of my brain most of the time... and lately I haven't needed to make sense of much.
I know I sound like a broken record but each day is different. I am noticing as time passes that there are fewer bad days that fall sequentially. I'll just have one bad day and then a bunch of good days instead of multiple bad days in a row. I've even gotten down to where something will bother me for a few hours and then I am able to move on. That's good news right?
I thought since it's been a while since my last post, I would just shove the last few weeks all into one post. I don't mean to come off as bi-polar as you read this, more as a summary for the last few weeks...
Adjustments
Moving back home has been an interesting endeavour. For the last 3 years I have only had to worry about myself and my husband. When my husband wasn't home I got used to spending my time alone, and not answering to anyone. Now that I am home, I am finding it hard to remember that I am living with a bunch of people that do care about me, and who care about what I am up to. At first I started to get upset because I was feeling like I was in high school again, then I realized that they are doing their best to be accommodating and I forgot what that was like, to be surrounded by family wanting to help you. It's been relatively easy to fall back into my old routines of being crazy busy, and there is a huge level of comfort here that I am grateful for. It makes the transition time until my husband moves here too that much easier. I am so thankful to my family for letting us come in and overtake their world, I am still figuring out how everything will work, and remembering that it's not just me now.
Mother's Day
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I had no idea how I would react when this day came. I knew that I didn't want to be around family- but I was willing to do it to see how it would go. Well, the universe had other plans because it turned out that Mother's Day was the only day of the week where I could go and help my husband pack our old apartment. We had talked about not making a big deal about the holiday but I have been thinking a lot about getting myself something to represent Mason (mainly a piece of jewelery). I debated back and forth about what kind of stone I could get to represent him- a January birth stone for when we lost him or June for his original due date? I decided on the June birthstone and told my husband, he said he would take care of it for me.
When Mother's Day came I woke up to a text from my best friend that said "Happy Mother's day best friend. I love you so much and I believe you are a wonderful mother" My best friend, she understands things about me that even I don't, and she somehow knew that I needed to hear that, just once that day... and there she was... in the simplest form taking care of me before I even realized I needed it. It's one of the reasons I love her so much.
My husband decided to give me my present- which I had forgotten about already- and when I opened it he had gotten me a cute little silver bracelet with a big heart and little heart design going around it. For some reason, the second I saw it I just started getting upset. I felt myself go numb and I kept thinking "this isn't right... this doesn't feel right... I can't do this" and I sort of just shut down. I tried to act happy for my husband but I couldn't stop worrying about what the present had cost him and the guilt I was feeling for not waiting the present that I had essentially asked for. Before you go thinking of me as a spoiled brat.. I think I had self-sabotaged myself without even realizing. See, the June birth stone is a (forgive me for misspelling this) Alexandrite. I am well aware of how rare this stone is, but for some reason I still asked my husband to find something with that stone on it. He couldn't with such short notice of course, but still picked out something beautiful.
He knows me so well and was able to figure me out without me saying much. After a long cry and me apologizing over and over we decided that he should take the present back. It wasn't that it was ugly or anything, it just didn't feel like the right thing to represent my son... and I just didn't feel right for my husband to spend that money- especially when I obviously was not ready to acknowledge this holiday yet. I know how blessed I am to have my husband and for him to understand me when we come across these unexpected bumps- he is so strong when I can't be... I am so grateful to have him.
An Emotional Update
I didn't come to the decision to take anti-depressants lightly, you can read about it in many past entries... but I am glad that I decided to do it. I feel more balanced in my life, and it makes it easier to deal with the bad days. I was so worried about becoming an emotional zombie, but luckily that has not happened. It also gives me a sense of comfort that I am taking the lowest possible dose... so eventually easing off them will feel more natural, and so will my moods.
This last weekend I spent some time with a friend who had a similar procedure as I did... but under different circumstances. It's something that has quietly bonded us but not something we regularly discuss. The last time we hung out we got a chance to connect on that level, and without giving away too much detail I just wanted to explain how much it meant to me. I am a pretty open person, but most people aren't. Most people who have gone through something similar have confided in me and told me that the only other people that know of their loss are those who have suffered it too. It's a weird club to be in... but I am so thankful for the voice of these women and for them to share their stories with me... it makes me feel less alone.
As much as someone who truly cares about me might have the best intentions... they just don't know what it feels like to go through this (and of course I hope they never have to) but sometimes you need to just... get it all out of your head, and it feels the best when the person your talking to has actually felt what your describing. I am not sure if I am making sense here or not, but that connection... however tragic the circumstances... gives me strength and hope for the future and I feel privileged to have shared that emotional bond.
That being said, I recently found myself snapping at people who constantly mentioned or asked when we are having a baby. Despite the progress we have made in OBF, we just aren't there yet and I find myself inpatient with the people who bring it up. Now, I know it isn't really their fault, and their intentions are always good... I guess it's just my personality to naturally oppose someone else's idea about me. I feel like I have made it clear that despite the loss I feel and the strides we are taking to better ourselves, we aren't ready for the baby talk yet... but maybe I haven't... this is one for my psychologist friend... I'll get back to you on it.
Operation Baby Farm Update
Like I mentioned before, I am doing a play for my local community theatre and it has given me an outlet for all my stress... which is probably another reason I've been feeling better emotionally. Although I am extremely exhausted by the end of the day with work, writing and rehearsals I love every minute of it. I like pretending to be someone else, even if its for a few hours and I like that music can make me feel so much (on a daily basis) and make me forget so much (even if its only a few hours). I am appreciating the distraction, as well as the workout that comes along with 6 hour dance rehearsals.
My husband will be done with school by Thursday and in the process of moving with me by the end of the weekend. The last 5 weeks have actually flown by- an extreme surprise to me!- and I can't wait to be under the same roof again. We did good while we were apart- we kept up on our visits, our skype dates and texted like maniacs. I suppose it helps when the person you are madly in love with, is also your best friend!
I think that's it for the updates, hopefully I am not leaving anything out... but I've written a books worth, so lets call it a night shall we? Until next time (or the next emotional outburst lol) Good night readers!
I know I sound like a broken record but each day is different. I am noticing as time passes that there are fewer bad days that fall sequentially. I'll just have one bad day and then a bunch of good days instead of multiple bad days in a row. I've even gotten down to where something will bother me for a few hours and then I am able to move on. That's good news right?
I thought since it's been a while since my last post, I would just shove the last few weeks all into one post. I don't mean to come off as bi-polar as you read this, more as a summary for the last few weeks...
Adjustments
Moving back home has been an interesting endeavour. For the last 3 years I have only had to worry about myself and my husband. When my husband wasn't home I got used to spending my time alone, and not answering to anyone. Now that I am home, I am finding it hard to remember that I am living with a bunch of people that do care about me, and who care about what I am up to. At first I started to get upset because I was feeling like I was in high school again, then I realized that they are doing their best to be accommodating and I forgot what that was like, to be surrounded by family wanting to help you. It's been relatively easy to fall back into my old routines of being crazy busy, and there is a huge level of comfort here that I am grateful for. It makes the transition time until my husband moves here too that much easier. I am so thankful to my family for letting us come in and overtake their world, I am still figuring out how everything will work, and remembering that it's not just me now.
Mother's Day
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I had no idea how I would react when this day came. I knew that I didn't want to be around family- but I was willing to do it to see how it would go. Well, the universe had other plans because it turned out that Mother's Day was the only day of the week where I could go and help my husband pack our old apartment. We had talked about not making a big deal about the holiday but I have been thinking a lot about getting myself something to represent Mason (mainly a piece of jewelery). I debated back and forth about what kind of stone I could get to represent him- a January birth stone for when we lost him or June for his original due date? I decided on the June birthstone and told my husband, he said he would take care of it for me.
When Mother's Day came I woke up to a text from my best friend that said "Happy Mother's day best friend. I love you so much and I believe you are a wonderful mother" My best friend, she understands things about me that even I don't, and she somehow knew that I needed to hear that, just once that day... and there she was... in the simplest form taking care of me before I even realized I needed it. It's one of the reasons I love her so much.
My husband decided to give me my present- which I had forgotten about already- and when I opened it he had gotten me a cute little silver bracelet with a big heart and little heart design going around it. For some reason, the second I saw it I just started getting upset. I felt myself go numb and I kept thinking "this isn't right... this doesn't feel right... I can't do this" and I sort of just shut down. I tried to act happy for my husband but I couldn't stop worrying about what the present had cost him and the guilt I was feeling for not waiting the present that I had essentially asked for. Before you go thinking of me as a spoiled brat.. I think I had self-sabotaged myself without even realizing. See, the June birth stone is a (forgive me for misspelling this) Alexandrite. I am well aware of how rare this stone is, but for some reason I still asked my husband to find something with that stone on it. He couldn't with such short notice of course, but still picked out something beautiful.
He knows me so well and was able to figure me out without me saying much. After a long cry and me apologizing over and over we decided that he should take the present back. It wasn't that it was ugly or anything, it just didn't feel like the right thing to represent my son... and I just didn't feel right for my husband to spend that money- especially when I obviously was not ready to acknowledge this holiday yet. I know how blessed I am to have my husband and for him to understand me when we come across these unexpected bumps- he is so strong when I can't be... I am so grateful to have him.
An Emotional Update
I didn't come to the decision to take anti-depressants lightly, you can read about it in many past entries... but I am glad that I decided to do it. I feel more balanced in my life, and it makes it easier to deal with the bad days. I was so worried about becoming an emotional zombie, but luckily that has not happened. It also gives me a sense of comfort that I am taking the lowest possible dose... so eventually easing off them will feel more natural, and so will my moods.
This last weekend I spent some time with a friend who had a similar procedure as I did... but under different circumstances. It's something that has quietly bonded us but not something we regularly discuss. The last time we hung out we got a chance to connect on that level, and without giving away too much detail I just wanted to explain how much it meant to me. I am a pretty open person, but most people aren't. Most people who have gone through something similar have confided in me and told me that the only other people that know of their loss are those who have suffered it too. It's a weird club to be in... but I am so thankful for the voice of these women and for them to share their stories with me... it makes me feel less alone.
As much as someone who truly cares about me might have the best intentions... they just don't know what it feels like to go through this (and of course I hope they never have to) but sometimes you need to just... get it all out of your head, and it feels the best when the person your talking to has actually felt what your describing. I am not sure if I am making sense here or not, but that connection... however tragic the circumstances... gives me strength and hope for the future and I feel privileged to have shared that emotional bond.
That being said, I recently found myself snapping at people who constantly mentioned or asked when we are having a baby. Despite the progress we have made in OBF, we just aren't there yet and I find myself inpatient with the people who bring it up. Now, I know it isn't really their fault, and their intentions are always good... I guess it's just my personality to naturally oppose someone else's idea about me. I feel like I have made it clear that despite the loss I feel and the strides we are taking to better ourselves, we aren't ready for the baby talk yet... but maybe I haven't... this is one for my psychologist friend... I'll get back to you on it.
Operation Baby Farm Update
Like I mentioned before, I am doing a play for my local community theatre and it has given me an outlet for all my stress... which is probably another reason I've been feeling better emotionally. Although I am extremely exhausted by the end of the day with work, writing and rehearsals I love every minute of it. I like pretending to be someone else, even if its for a few hours and I like that music can make me feel so much (on a daily basis) and make me forget so much (even if its only a few hours). I am appreciating the distraction, as well as the workout that comes along with 6 hour dance rehearsals.
My husband will be done with school by Thursday and in the process of moving with me by the end of the weekend. The last 5 weeks have actually flown by- an extreme surprise to me!- and I can't wait to be under the same roof again. We did good while we were apart- we kept up on our visits, our skype dates and texted like maniacs. I suppose it helps when the person you are madly in love with, is also your best friend!
I think that's it for the updates, hopefully I am not leaving anything out... but I've written a books worth, so lets call it a night shall we? Until next time (or the next emotional outburst lol) Good night readers!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is next Sunday.
My husband and I were driving today and the subject of what we wanted to do for Mother's Day came up. My first instinct was to stay home and hide out. I am not entirely sure why... I have been lying low from family events since January... my heart just isn't in it and I've been trying to focus on myself. I know I need to start putting myself out there more, but the thought of being around a ton of people that know me well still freaks me out a bit. I like being surrounded by people who don't know my life story much better. It's much easier to be the person I want to be instead of who everyone knows me to be.
Usually we get our Mom's flowers and try to spend time with them both. We play this jumping game a lot on holidays trying to fit in both sides of our families to make them both happy. We always said when we started having our own family they could come to us to celebrate holidays because our kids experiences would be the most important.
When I was pregnant we had already talked about how we were going to spend our first Mother's Day: getting ready for Mason's arrival which meant I could stay home and he would dote on me all day. It's still weird for me to think how much things have changed in such a short time, and now we have to change our plans again. I realize its silly to be upset over hypothetical plans... I guess I just feel like I am in limbo when it comes to this holiday.
On one side, by all accounts I do consider myself a mom. I grew a person inside me, loved that person with all my heart, I mean, I went through hell just to take care of my little boy... but it didn't work out. On the other side, even with all those things... I don't have any physical evidence of me being a mom. All I have are memories and a few photos... and it just doesn't seem like enough.
My husband asked me if I wanted him to do anything for me on Mother's Day and I told him the truth: I don't know. I wish I could force myself to figure out how I am going to react when that day is here... I don't know if him being sweet to me that day will make me feel better or more upset. If only I believed in crystal balls and psychics... because this would be something I would ask about. I feel stupid even worrying about this, because there are plenty of other things that could use my attention. However, that is what is weighing on me right now... only time will tell... (which is super annoying btw)
PS- For those that read my last entry, I woke up the next day and felt completely fine. I mean it when I describe my grief as a day-to-day status. Some days its harder than others, and since that day I've felt ok... even as I write this entry I am not crying as I think about our previous plans, I am just trying to figure it all out, and I know it will take as long as it needs to for me to feel better on a more permanite basis... I will keep waiting, and of course, keep you posted.
My husband and I were driving today and the subject of what we wanted to do for Mother's Day came up. My first instinct was to stay home and hide out. I am not entirely sure why... I have been lying low from family events since January... my heart just isn't in it and I've been trying to focus on myself. I know I need to start putting myself out there more, but the thought of being around a ton of people that know me well still freaks me out a bit. I like being surrounded by people who don't know my life story much better. It's much easier to be the person I want to be instead of who everyone knows me to be.
Usually we get our Mom's flowers and try to spend time with them both. We play this jumping game a lot on holidays trying to fit in both sides of our families to make them both happy. We always said when we started having our own family they could come to us to celebrate holidays because our kids experiences would be the most important.
When I was pregnant we had already talked about how we were going to spend our first Mother's Day: getting ready for Mason's arrival which meant I could stay home and he would dote on me all day. It's still weird for me to think how much things have changed in such a short time, and now we have to change our plans again. I realize its silly to be upset over hypothetical plans... I guess I just feel like I am in limbo when it comes to this holiday.
On one side, by all accounts I do consider myself a mom. I grew a person inside me, loved that person with all my heart, I mean, I went through hell just to take care of my little boy... but it didn't work out. On the other side, even with all those things... I don't have any physical evidence of me being a mom. All I have are memories and a few photos... and it just doesn't seem like enough.
My husband asked me if I wanted him to do anything for me on Mother's Day and I told him the truth: I don't know. I wish I could force myself to figure out how I am going to react when that day is here... I don't know if him being sweet to me that day will make me feel better or more upset. If only I believed in crystal balls and psychics... because this would be something I would ask about. I feel stupid even worrying about this, because there are plenty of other things that could use my attention. However, that is what is weighing on me right now... only time will tell... (which is super annoying btw)
PS- For those that read my last entry, I woke up the next day and felt completely fine. I mean it when I describe my grief as a day-to-day status. Some days its harder than others, and since that day I've felt ok... even as I write this entry I am not crying as I think about our previous plans, I am just trying to figure it all out, and I know it will take as long as it needs to for me to feel better on a more permanite basis... I will keep waiting, and of course, keep you posted.
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