Loving Through Everything

After writing about the fight with my husband last night I got a lot of private
messages saying different things. Some wanted to make sure we were ok, some with advise, and there were a few that even thanked me. I never expected that response but I guess people like to be reminded that they aren't alone, a concept that I am very familiar with in my sadness.

I do like to focus more on the happy times with my husband because in truth they far outweigh the bad. We rarely do fight, but when it happens the one thing we are consistent with (no matter how angry we get) is that we are in this together, and together we can overcome anything. When we were just dating we never went to breaking up as an option to end the fight, and now that we're married we never mention divorce. We've basically takn that out of the equation because no matter what we are fighting about, it comes down to the fact that we love each other more than anything so working it out is our number one priority.

We are a fairly young couple so it always surprisese when older couples ask us if our happiness is sincere. It also surprises me when I talk about how much I love spending time with my husband and I am met with a vacant stare. My husband is my absolute best friend in the entire world, I go to him for everything and that hasn't changed in the 7 years we've been together and I hope that never does.

We have had our ups and downs of course, but we have always been committed to making it work. There is a lot of sadness out there in the world, so the last thing I need is to pick a partner that makes me anything but happy. I truly feel that if God made us in perfectly balanced pairs, Kevin is my true other half. We balance out the other's crazy, happy, sad... Everything. I know that I am extremely blessed to have this man in my life, and I will work every day to make sure he knows i love him no matter what. We still kiss hello and goodbye, we make sure we say 'I love you' before we go to bed. When one of us is going to work earlier we always wake the other up to say 'I love you' and 'bye' and have a quick smooch. It's the little things that count and we make time for them.

I don't want to come off like I have the perfect marriage because no one does, but I have the perfect man for me to spend my life with, and I will always make sure to appreciate and cherish our relationship, even if I need a minute to escape to do that. Every time I feel myself falling in love with him all over again, it surprises me in the best way. I guess I fool myself into thinking i love him a much as I possibly can, and I'm happily surprised to be wrong. I think it's a huge blessing to be able to spend my life in love with my best friend, and I will always be willing to work on myself and our relationship in order to keep it the way it is... Just right for just us.

I wish I could choose what to forget and what to remember

With everything my husband and I have gone through lately, I guess I forgot that he can still make me mad sometimes. He's been amazing and supportive that I forgot that we are still like everyone else and that we can fight over dumb things.

Tonight we were bickering over the smallest of small things. I saw it happening and didn't do anything to fix it. I can't speak for his feelings or thought process but I was in a horrible mood. It probably started with the letter yesterday but I honestly couldn't say if that's true. I do know that I woke up angry at the world for all the things I can't change and I just flat out didnt care- about anything. This isnt a good quality of mine I know, I just can't help but shut down sometimes.

Last night I couldn't stop the sadness that came over me and I cried for a really long time. So much actually that I was concerned about keeping my husband up and insisted on going into the other room so he could sleep. He tred multiple times to comfort me and told me not to worry about him but i honestly just wanted to be alone in my sadness. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I miss my son. I miss him being in my belly, even though I didn't really get a chance to feel him I loved knowing he was there. I guess you could say I've been feeling 'empty' lately but I don't know how to fix it, so instead I'm involuntarily taking it out on my husband, which brings me to right now.

I'm sitting alone in a parking lot because I really have nowhere else to go but I just had to get out of our apartment. It's not entirely my husband that I needed a break from but everything in that place makes me sad. I try really hard to move on, and sometimes I make leaps and bounds but last night and today feel like I've taken so many steps back. We put all his things in a box and left it out so I could go through them when I wanted but now it's like this off limits zone I stay away from. I hate going into our room and seeing our bed and remembering that morning I got a positive test, and that we spent hours excited for our new life, and then just months later- that same spot grieving that same future.

I know it's not fair to take it out on him, and I'm sure his foul mood today is stemmed from the same emotional place but just this one time I really needed to be 100% alone and I couldn't do that in our apartment... So here I sit until I'm ready to go back, part of me wants it to be soon because I love my husband more than this world and he is all
I have, but part of me needs to just be here and let these feelings come and go and I need to stop fighting them.

I had hoped to start writing about happier things by this point but I guess it's just not time yet... I guess I'll keep riding the waves no matter how frustrating it is.

Elective

This is a word I am coming to despise.

We got another letter from the company that manages the disability at my job yesterday. It said that I was being denied support for the 2 weeks I took off when we found out Mason was sick through the recovery of my surgery. Never mind the fact that my paychecks have not been what they used to since I've only been back to work a few weeks (it different pay periods which contribute to the low-ness of them) I can live off top ramen if I have to, what I don't appreciate is these companies classifying what happened to us as elective.

I didn't elect to be told that our baby was going to have a painful life, that the quality of it would be diminished... I didn't elect to wake up one day and realize my entire life had changed forever, I especially didn't elect to experience the ups and downs that have accompanied me on this journey. I did what I thought was right despite what these ass holes think. I think it's incredibly selfish to make anyone suffer unnecessarily- I think a lot of things... but I have to say that I am so very tired of having to fight for our decision. I'm tired of having to explain to people why we made the choices we did, and only then have them show any compassion. I think it's sad that helpfulness and sincerity have to be earned by a sad story.

Sometimes I get so angry at the world, myself, and all the things I don't understand but today I'm just mad... I don't have any way of elaborating about it. I'm just furious with the universe for all that we have had to go through, and all the people that elect not to help us.

Lines

I am constantly writing. I have written a previous post about a book I've been trying to write for quite a long time. It's called 'The Boyfriend Book' and I had been struggling to write a few chapters. One of them was about my husband. You can refresh your memory on that one here. I had been struggling on how to write the chapter about being happy. How do you write about the perfect man? I think everything that we've been going through is a perfect way to explain how and why i love my husband the way I do. If there is one thing I can be proud of in this whole crazy situation, its that it has only brought us closer as a couple, and I think that is... excuse the pun... note worthy. I was struck with inspiration the other day so I will try to channel everything into writing our story.

Since starting this blog, and especially since writing about what happened to us and our son, I have had an abundance of messages encouraging me to keep writing. I have even been told multiple times that our story would make a great book. I don't think I'm quite there yet to trying to figure enough of this out to make sense to anyone but myself, but I do like the idea that my journals and maybe some entries from Mason's journal could become a book someday, maybe even help someone like us.

Until then, I thought it might be nice if I could write a song or a poem for Mason. I can play the piano, but I've never tried to write music. I love music, I grew up leaning on music to express how I felt when I couldn't say it myself. Unfortunately having an extreme love for something still doesn't make you any good at it sometimes. A few weeks ago I found my poetry notebook from Jr. High and believe me, it was filled with horrible poetry that I thought was the shit back in the day. It was kinda funny to see how arrogant I was when it came to writing, and I got to visit my 13 year old self, which is always revealing. I guess I'm hoping that I will be better at it 12 years later. I went back an re-read my posts and was surprised at some of the one liners that somehow came out of my brain and thought they might work for that song or poem... and this is my attempt at playing with them....


You were wanted
I cant wait to add you into our nothing days
Our lives aren't particularly exciting,
I don't know where to start or even how to begin
we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
I don't know what will actually break me
my old future scratched out for my current one
quiet and still,
he is already taking care of us
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
the not knowing and learning to forgive myself
the pain I feel is worth it for you to not know it
the last night I went to bed as someones mommy
they cant tell me how sad they are
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
Someone told me that I have changed forever but
I wish I couldn't have stayed the same with you
the words I want to say but can't,
and the ones I don't want to say, but have to
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
I wasn't ready when they told us our worst fears had come true
I forgot what it was like to get bad news
My tears were different, quiet and steady
trying to be strong for my sweet little baby
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
Lost just feels... right.
It's possible to be miserable and thankful at the same time
It's OK to be tired of being so strong
I want him to be proud of us
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
last night I went to bed as someones mommy
and tonight I'll go to bed as just me


Disclaimer: I could probably explain all the ways I suck if I was given the time and audience so I will settle for this- i copy and pasted as I went so obviously the flow of things needs work, and some tweaking of the words... I did say my poetry from jr high was just awful right?

When I decided to go back and re-read my own words I then went back to the very beginning and while I didn't find any land mark declarations I did come across this post and it did make me feel somethings I hadn't expected. However, at the same time it gave me an excited feeling for when it comes time to announce when we become pregnant again. I guess I should start plotting ways to surprise everyone, which might be hard since I've already committed to chronicling my journey on here. I'm sure I'll figure out a way...

UPDATE:
I should probably mention my follow up appointment with the surgeon from yesterday. Are you ready for this??? I was given a clean bill of health!!! No scar tissue, my uterus contracted the way it was supposed to and my cervix was closed. She still said we needed to wait 3 months to try again so my body could absorb as much folic acid as possible so that is what we will do. I need to make another appointment with our fertility specialist so that we can make sure to take all the precautions from before and have a successful attempt when we are ready to try again. To read more about my first visit with this doctor click here.

Nervousness

Later today I have my post-op follow up appointment with my surgeon. I know I have already talked about all the ways my body could continue to screw me over but I just can't shake this nervous feeling I have.

Before, when I would get sick I would always psyche myself out and plan for the worst only to have all positive outcomes. The only real experience I've had with actually being sick was my cystic ovaries, but I guess I grew accustomed to the pain that was almost like clockwork so I kinda forgot what it was like to get bad news.

When the tests came back positive for Mason's neural tube defects I did the normal: assume everything that could go wrong would and start to obsess over what we would do, but still in the back of my mind I figured that everything would be fine in the end, that the results would come back normal like they always did. Although I had played out all the worst case scenarios all week in my head before that very sad day at the ultrasound specialist, I still wasn't ready when they told us our worst fears had come true.

Now as I count down the hours to my next appointment its like my brain doesn't know what to prepare for. I keep bouncing back and forth from 'everything's going to be fine... for real this time' and 'I'm sorry but there is too much scar tissue'. Then, I start to question every decision we've made. Did we wait too long to start trying vs. did we try too soon? Should I have listened to our midwife when she told me it was ok to take my pre-natals every other day instead of daily because of the complications it was causing in my body or should I have just dealt with feeling horrible to make sure all that folic acid made it into my system? Should I really of had those foods that I knew I was finding loopholes for? Should I have had more foods that the books suggested even though I couldn't keep anything down? I know that most of these things have nothing to do with what happened to Mason, but I just can't stop thinking about all the what if's, and I probably won't be able to until after my appointment today. Actually, I just lied. I won't be able to really relax until my pre-pregnancy check up in May with the Fertility Specialist...

Do you ever feel like you need to make a to-do list of things to worry about?

My smile of the day is being woken up by my cat Nacho. He was laying by my face (as usual) and he kept stroking my cheek with his paw. He was hungry but I like to think he was trying to wake me up gently instead of the normal one inch from my face motor boat purring. I literally woke up laughing, which I think is a fantastic way to wake up (even if it was a few hours before i actually wanted to wake up).

1 Week and Revelations

(I started this post on Thursday)

Mason has been gone for 1 week today. Things have started to change, some good... Some not so good. I was doing fine for most of the day. My husband got up early and made us eggs benedict from scratch and it was really good. I had a busy morning at home taking care of things I had neglected for the last few weeks. When I got to work everything was normal until I saw a calendar that we had all written our days off on and I saw the Dr. appointment I had written down for January 30th and out of no where I was hit with overwhelming sadness.

It didn't make sense- I was having a perfectly normal day, proud of myself even for how well I was handling the day. There wasn't much I could do at that point, it was convenient that I was in a back office sorting paperwork so I didn't even try to hide my tears. They were different, not the full on crying tears that I've become accustomed to, just quiet and steady. So I continued to sort paperwork while the tears fell.

When I told my husband about it, he suggested I throw myself into more tasks to get my mind off it and it hit me: I didn't WANT my mind off it. I needed to take a minute and let the feelings come and go without fighting them. I knew going back to work so soon meant that I would need to find a way to deal with these feelings at inconvenient times, and I was ready to do that when in the past all I wanted to do was hide.

(The rest of this is from today)
I realized that the more I tried to hide my feelings or ignore them the more determined they were to come up at unexpected times. I was driving home from work the other and I just started crying uncontrollably. There wasn't even a sad song on the radio and I had had a good day at work, I even started to joke around with the crew and started to feel like myself again. It felt like I was taking steps back when I had been determined to only take steps forward. Our therapist says grief is like ocean waves- it comes and goes but it doesn't mean I'm moving backwards. She said if I was only stuck in grief or only stuck in happiness that would be worse, because I wouldn't be facing the things I am supposed to. So although I worry about the times that my sadness is completely in control I find it comforting knowing my body and mind are doing what they are supposed to, even if I hate it at the time.

Of all the emotions I thought I might feel during all of this, the one I didn't expect was guilt. When I laugh with my husband, when I make a joke at work, or when I laugh out loud at something someone says I immediately feel guilty for feeling good. I know that sounds insane, but it is what it is. I am told this is normal too... that a part of me will always feel like I should be sad, but that I should also embrace the good. I want to embrace the good.

Although I feel like I will never ever be the same again, it's exhausting to be so sad all the time. I don't know what Mason thinks of us, but I know I want him to be proud of us, and know that even after he is gone we are still trying to be the best parents and versions of ourselves that we can. I wish that I could really know him like I wanted to, but I do get this feeling sometimes when I'm sad that he wants us to be happy. I can't describe it very well, but it feels like my chest gets really warm and then I start to feel better... and it just has to be him... it has to.

I am noticing that as things come up for the first time... like my earlier post today that can be found here where I am not sure how to handle them or what to think... they do get easier. I still don't really know how I feel about getting ready for work and looking down to see my shirt soaked through and it could only be from me. I know that I was happy to loose another inch around my waist so that I could finally get out of the constant reminder of my maternity pants.

I know that the world doesn't revolve around us, and that there are people that still don't know what happened. At first I couldn't imagine having to explain to someone, to actually say the words but in the last 24 hours I have been asked 'how's the baby' 3 different times and I had to explain that we lost our son. I don't go into detail, but I explain the time frame, and that I'm doing ok, and that it's still hard to talk about. If I stick to that I'm ok, but the second I see someones sad face I completely lose it. I know that will improve in time, and I can't always depend on my husband to relay the details but I am grateful that I was able to get through the basics 3 times without losing control of myself. It's a small feat for me, but it's something that I can be proud of myself for.

The only thing I have noticed is when I heard my husband on the phone saying "we had to end the pregnancy" and it literally felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I understand that for him, that's the easiest way to say what happened but to me it feels more appropriate to say "we lost our baby". Our situation was so sudden and scary and intense that it feels more like a loss than a decision. I LOST out on the life I had carefully planned out, I LOST the belly I had been so proud of so fast, I LOST pieces of myself that I will never get back. Lost just feels... right.

I set a goal for myself that find things that make me smile and to cling to them like a life preserver. My husband is adorable and the little things he does or says while we hang around the house are the best things that I could possibly cling to. He is kind, and sweet and makes me laugh where I feel it in my whole body. I want to end this post, and maybe my future ones with something that makes me smile. Today it's that my husband told me how cute I was for something silly I did. To explain it would be boring for anyone who isn't us, but it made my day to hear him say it.

3 things

This morning my surgical site stopped bleeding, I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans and my breast leaked... I don't have time to comprehend how I feel about any of these things but I know i really need to get them out of my head at this moment.

Body After Baby

Tomorrow will be 1 week since we lost Mason, I'm not sure how I'll feel tomorrow but for today I am still at peace. I am struggling a little with the unknown, but I have plenty of distractions right now. One of them is my body. It's hard not to notice how much my body has changed in just 1 short week.

Here is a picture of my belly the day before we lost Mason:

This picture is really hard to look at, but essentially its all I have left of the physical proof that my body was so different such a short time ago. I have no qualms about sharing my body's details. My waist was measuring at 40" and my weight was 140. I had lost a total of 15lbs since I got pregnant but I didn't think to measure my 'pre baby' tummy. On this day I had no nausea, my breasts were very tender, and I was at 18.3 weeks. I am wearing the same pair of pants in all of these photos. I really can't wait to get out of these stinking maternity pants so I can take away one more reminder and move forward... I am still in limbo between regular clothes and maternity wear.

Here is my belly only 3 days after surgery:

I'm sure the black and the angle of me trying to get my whole tummy helps me looks slimmer, but at this point I had lost 2" from my waist but I hadn't lost any actual weight yet. My chest was the same size at this point too, and still very tender to the touch (which I had been dealing with since week 2). I was feeling ok physically, but still on some medication for pain.

Here is my body today, 6 days after surgery:

I have now lost 3" from my waist and I am down 2 pounds to 138. My chest has started to change shape, but I no longer have tenderness or a need for pain medications at most times. I am probably one of the only women on Earth that would be ok with a shrinking chest. Sometimes when I am laying flat I have a little abdominal pain but I am told that is normal. My wrist is still a bit swollen from the IV and it hurts if i apply pressure (like when I use a table to help me stand up) and the veins in my hand still hurt if I touch them.

I emailed my surgeon the other day to give her an update and find out if I was on the right track to healing, and she re-assured me that all of these things are normal. I also asked if I could start adding exercise back into my routine and she gave me the green light for my 1 week mark but to be cautious because increased blood flow can mess with the parts of my body that are still healing. I have a followup appointment with her on Tuesday and she is going to make sure I am healing the way I am supposed to. I don't think I will be able to completely relax until after I see her.

I have this fear that I am going to be in the small percentage of having severe scar tissue that will make it harder for us to conceive or carry in the future. Before all of this happened I had nicknamed myself the 'side effect queen' and always expected the worst. Then, when we got the news about our baby and it was the extreme worst case scenario... well... it's hard to convince yourself that isn't going to be the case again. This is one of the things I need to speak with our therapist about, because I don't want to spend my next pregnancy constantly holding my breath as we come across each land mark.

Right now I am feeling like it will be close to impossible to let my guard down when we do start trying again. Then there will be the breath holding until I'm considered 'safe' to announce your pregnancy at 12 weeks, and although we plan to do the genetic testing as early as possible I feel like I still won't really be able to breathe until we are past 18 weeks.

I already feel like I can't do anything the same the 2nd time around. Before I complained non-stop about being sick, I still had things that your supposed to avoid (I was very good and finding safe loop holes) and we didn't want to find out the sex. We found out he was a boy at the ultrasound where they discovered his Spina Bifida and there was no mistaking it because of how detailed they were and with how much he was moving around. I guess I do consider myself somewhat superstitious and the logical part of me knows that none of these things contributed to his condition in any way, but I probably won't be able to control all the irrational fears that I am bound to have.

It's very scary to not have any control in your future, and for a control freak like me it's absolute torture. All I can do to satisfy my need for balance and structure is to take all the vitamins I am told to, work on my exercise regimen and make sure that we are taking all the extra steps that we have put into motion to give us a successful future. Does it freak me out that my body continues to reverse right before my eyes? Of course... but it does make me feel better to make plans that make me feel like I am in control of my body (even if I'm really not...) I'll take the ignorance is bliss approach this one time.

Making Plans

I am finding out that one of the things that helps me feel better, is to make plans. I haven't done anything too far out in the future yet, but setting these little goals and then actually taking steps to put them into motion has given me comfort that I didn't expect. Here are some things we have going on:

Today we met with the tattoo artist about our memorial tattoos for Mason. We have decided on different variations of a little blue foot print. Kev is going to go a bit bigger than me and is going to have a frame around the foot print and Mason's name, and it will be on the inside of his bicep. I am still trying to decide on how much I want to add to my footprint. I will put it on the back of my shoulder, but I am still not sure if I just want the foot print or that and some kind of border like the artist suggested. I'm usually a less is more kinda girl, but he thinks it will look strange just floating around on my shoulder. Both of them will be done so that we can add to them later.

The placement of our tattoos was important. Originally, I liked the idea that we were going to get them on the sides of our stomachs so that when we stood together they would touch. Then Kev decided he wanted it on his arm and I was scared of stretch marks going through it in the future and switched to my shoulder blade. Then we thought well... he can get his on his right arm (because he's right handed) and I'll get mine on my left shoulder blade (because I'm left handed) and then we discovered because of our height difference they would still touch if we hugged. THEN the artist suggested that we both get them on our right side, because it's closest to our hearts- and I mean, how could you not agree to that logic? So we made plans to do it right before Valentines Day as our gifts to each other.

We also had another important appointment today, with our new Marriage and Family Therapist. I picked her because she specialized in grief and trauma. I think mental health is this taboo subject for a lot of people, but we are going through something that is way out of our understanding so I knew this would be an important step for us. After meeting with her tonight, I feel even more confident in our decision. She made us feel like we were normal, instead of the 'living in a fishbowl' feeling I was starting to get. I went back to work for the first time yesterday and to say it was rough is an understatement, and she made me feel ok about it.

She basically let us know that our anger and confusion is completely normal. She confirmed that everything we've been doing are the right steps for us. She told us that we weren't crazy (although we feel it at times) and made us feel completely comfortable with our actions, thoughts and feelings. I think it was really great decision to go together, because for me it's nice to hear my husband talk to someone besides me. It makes me feel better knowing he is being cared for too, because I still worry every day that he isn't getting what he needs. I know for him, he likes that I'm trying to talk it out. It still surprises me that he knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and he proved it again in our session.

It's also nice to hear from someone that knows nothing about us, that we are a great match. I know how lucky I am to have my husband, and I know we make people want to puke when we get into our cute mode, but to hear a medical professional tell us that we are exactly what the other one needs to get through this, is amazing. It was also nice to hear her tell us that she doesn't think we will need her for long, it was comforting I suppose.

The last few days have been good days, so I really hope that we can keep setting these little goals and that our healing continues and we keep growing closer (if that's even possible) as we go through this journey together.

Operation Baby Farm

The trend of each day being different continues. After I got out of bed yesterday my husband and I spent the day together doing stuff around the house, went and got a burger, and then went too see 'We Bought a Zoo' and I don't know if it was because I had stuff to do to distract me or not, but it was a pretty relaxing day. Although the movie has a theme of loss, it was very uplifting and re-affirmed that I need to find a way to channel my energy into volunteer work.

Today was the first day that I wanted to get out of bed, get dressed and actually put effort into my appearance. It was also the first time that I've gotten a chance to actually look at how my body has started to change since surgery on Thursday. Which brings me to something that my husband and I have been talking about for a few days: Operation Baby Farm. I've quickly mentioned it in a previous post but basically, we want to take the next few months (we aren't allowed to start trying again until April) and work on making ourselves the best possible versions of ourselves to take on this journey.

We had already started doing things before all this happened: financial planning, the whole act of when we started trying was based on the fact that Kevin graduates from college in May, and our living situation... but we never actually took care of our physical beings. Let me explain:

1. Taking care of our minds
- tomorrow I will be making counseling appointments to make sure that I am emotionally ready to take all this on again, or to wait until I am. Right now, I need them more and my husband feels he is ok without it but eventually we will go in together. Someone told me that I have changed forever, and I need to work on being ok with that because right now my mentality is of a 5 year old and I just don't want to be different. However, I know if I go about this the right way, it can be a positive experience.

2. Taking care of our bodies
- we have been together for almost 7 years and we have both put on weight since that time. It makes sense, when you're happy you get comfortable... and then add that my husband is an amazing cook and well you get some extra lb's. Today we went grocery shopping with our new healthy philosophy in mind. We didn't make huge drastic changes because truthfully my tastes tend to go towards the healthier side anyway, but we made manageable ones. As soon as I am given the ok by my surgeon I will start a more vigorous workout routine. I was already doing pre-natal yoga but I am going to add in some kickboxing and try to find some drop in classes in our area for various things (think zumba, aerobics, dance) since it would be silly to get a gym membership when we plan to move in a few months. He already works out around the house, so I'm sure he will figure out a routine that works for him. He is already looking leaner.

3. Memorializing our son
- we are both artistic and have plans for representing Mason in artwork around our house. I don't consider myself an artist by any means but I like to paint and I would like to take a photo that I took and turn it into a painting. My husband has described a painting he would like to make as well, so when we feel up to it we will have a painting day for us. I also asked him to find me a frame that I can put the extra ultrasound photos in.
- today we made a consultation appointment with the tattoo artist who did my ankle tattoo representing my family. I had it done a few years ago, its a heart with a cancer ribbon incorporated for my mom and my family's favorite colors. We passed the tattoo shop on our way home the other day and before I could even finish bringing up the subject my husband was describing all the ideas he had for a tattoo for himself to represent Mason. We both think getting matching tattoos or each other's names are the 'kiss of death' so it did take me by surprise a little that he wants one too. We both have lots of ideas, they probably won't be matching but we are excited to start figuring out what feels right.
- we have a lot of ideas on how to represent him with our future children, but those we will decide as we go, we just know we want him to be a part of their lives somehow.

A goal of mine that doesn't fit into any of these categories is a way to figure out how I can actually say what we have been through. When I was on the phone with the tattoo artist I was happy that a friend had already filled him in on the situation because it never occurred to me that I would have to say the words out loud. Up until this point I've just been letting everyone else say it for me... It's like the journal. I still need to figure out what to do with the journal I write to Mason in. Do I keep it in case our kids want to read it? Should I tuck it away safe where it doesn't get disturbed? Should I bury it near the beach, or do I keep carrying it around everywhere with me? I suppose these are good things to talk about in my future appointments, it breaks my heart that he'll never read it. It's funny... the words I want to say to Mason I can't, but the ones I don't want to say to everyone else, I have to.

Thought Jumble

I've avoided writing the last few days because my head is too full to even try to make sense of it all. In an effort to ever sleep again, this is my attempt to try to get some of it out of my brain... warning, this could be a long one, I have a lot of stuff swirling around up there...

The morning of my surgery I woke up and thought to myself "last night I went to bed as someones mommy and tonight I'll go to bed as just me" and then the next thing I knew i was getting ready for surgery. I remember the very sweet nurse that must have been able to read my terrified face who went and got my husband from the waiting room before he was actually supposed to be allowed to sit with me.

Most of it was a blur, I wasn't even drugged I just can't seem to remember most of it besides my husband holding my hand. I remember waking up and for a few hours after surgery I was happy. That sounds strange even to me but I was unaware of everything around me, all I knew was I was tired and the first thing I saw was my wonderful husband and the beautiful flowers he brought me. I was in recovery for over 4 hours because they couldn't get my heart rate down. I was convinced it was because of the 2 bags of IV into my 4'10 frame and i desperately had to pee but it turns out it was because of the drugs they gave me to wake up. I didn't feel any physical pain post surgery and I spent most of the day feeling "normal". I was able to visit my in-laws and my family and felt relatively fine. It felt like I had woken up from a 4 month long dream instead of a 1 hour surgery. I couldn't explain why i felt so normal, but after the weeks of emotional ups and downs I wasn't about to question it.

Thursday we had blue supporters all over the country. We got messages from Massachusetts, Colorado, Nevada, and even an out of country friend represented Mason in New Zealand. That's just what I can remember from the top of my head but there was much more and Kevin and I are still amazed and overwhelmed by the support we have received. It's truly amazing.

Thursday night we had felt good all day (I was home from surgery by around 2pm) so we decided to settle in with my family for a night of TV but it ended up back firing on us. Every single show we watched had something to do with babies: Modern Family, Big Bang Theory, Body of Proof, Greys Anatomy and Bones. Our perfectly plotted TV lineup designed to make us laugh forced us to face our feelings that had been staying below the surface all day.

When we went to bed we just laid together and talked about all the things that scared us, made us sad, or we had just been flat out avoiding saying out loud. My husband is amazing in times like these because he just knows what to do. We don't need to always talk everything out, I can know what he is thinking just looking at him, and he with me, but it's still nice to hear him say things out loud, to hear the same things I'm thinking.

The next day was different. That part is still going to take some getting used to: how each day is different from the next, the ups and downs. We had made plans for us to go get all the foods I couldn't have while pregnant and our first stop was for my favorite breakfast: eggs Benedict and a mimosa. I was so excited but after I ate a few bites I had this heavy feeling come over me and I didn't feel the way I had expected to. I'm not crazy enough to think that food will cure me, I guess I just thought that if i latched onto some small things to focus my energy on (like projects or plans) that I could avoid feeling sad. It didn't work.

We went back to my parents house and I started to change my clothes back into my PJ's for a nap and out of no where I just lost it. I didn't even feel it coming on, I just couldn't contain myself anymore and crumbled to the floor. I struggled to contain myself because I was in a house full of family and the last thing I wanted was for anyone to hear me but I can't even describe the feeling I had... it was a lot like emptiness I suppose. Normally when I cry, I have some kind of internal dialogue going on that helps me figure it all out but this time there was nothing. All I knew was I needed my husband so I called for him and when he came in it was like he just knew everything I was feeling. He sat next to me and held me and told me it was OK to cry, that I had been so strong the day before and it was OK to be tired of being strong in front of everyone.

The rest of the day was a lot like that, we decided to head back to our place shortly after and on the drive I had an overwhelming urge to go to the beach. I told Kevin and he asked if there was a particular beach I had in mind, I didn't I just knew I needed to be by water so he kept driving. We have always had significant things happen to us by the ocean. The fist time he told me he loved me we were on our way to the beach, he proposed to me on the wharf in Monterey, and we got married on the beach near that same spot. There was a different spot that we used to go to on our days off and talk about our future by Lover's Point that has this rock that is shaped like a heart. We would spend hours watching the waves and talking. We even took our engagement photos by this beach, and this is the beach Kevin drove us to yesterday.

We got out and I brought Mason's journal and we sat by the heart shaped rock for a long time. I stared at the waves and just felt... comforted. It's hard to describe because I didn't feel good or bad, it just felt like the right place at the right time kind of thing. I started to write to Mason and Kevin held the pages for me. When I couldn't write anymore he took my glasses and the journal and he held me while we had a good cry. I call it a good cry because it felt cleansing... it was different from my break down earlier that day. We watched the sun go down and it got cold so we decided to leave. While we were driving back to our place we started talking about ways to honor our son and again it amazed me how little we need to communicate to have the same thoughts. We stopped for more non-pregnant favorites (sushi- and this time it did make me feel better, probably because I hadn't eaten since breakfast) and started making plans for what I have decided to call: Project Baby Farm.... more to come on that later.

Today i woke up cuddled next to my husband and my animals and it was the first time I didn't cry when I remembered everything. For 4 months I woke up every morning thinking "my life will never be the same and I can't wait" and then the last few weeks I woke up every morning thinking "my life will never be the same why couldn't it just be a dream?" Today we plan to pack up all the Christmas stuff and all the baby stuff. It's hard to get a start on a to-do list that could potentially crumble you, but my husband is doing his best to make it easier. He brought me coffee and breakfast in bed and has kept himself busy in the other room while I try to figure out how to tackle this day.

I wish he could stay home with my every day, because just having him in the next room makes me feel better. Part of me wants to stay home and hide forever. On the other hand, maybe both of us going back to work on Monday will make things better. More distractions, less time to just sit and think... I want to get back into a routine that doesn't include me crying over preggy pillows and maternity clothes that I ordered weeks ago that just showed up yesterday. I know it will come in time, and a new routine will help. Step one of Project Baby Farm is me getting out of bed today, so I should probably work on that first and see what kind of day today will be.

Quick Thank You

I just wanted to say a quick thank you before I go to bed tonight and before I write to Mason in his journal. I am told tomorrow i won't be in any state of consciousness so before my surgery tomorrow I just wanted everyone to know how grateful my husband and I to have you in our lives.

Over the last week our friends and family have done so much to support us and send us their love. We knew that our story would affect people but we never dreamed that so many people would feel for us to the extent that has been demonstrated to us through prayer, messages and even with everyone wearing blue tomorrow. I hope that we have conveyed how much we appreciate your thoughts and prayers and how much of our love and appreciation is being sent right back to you.

Today was different than other days. I'm not sure if its a combination of having to fight for what is right for our baby, if it's that today i knew what was coming when we went in for our second appointment, or if its simply all the support we have felt. I am guessing its a combination of all three but today was the first day that i felt good. I laughed at silly things, I was able to visit and actually enjoy my time with family members and i was able to see a clear future for my husband and I with the family we desperately want. Before that thought just wasn't fathomable for me, but today we started to make plans for our future: when we will start to try again for a baby, plans for family therapy, plans to better ourselves in the 3 months we are waiting until my body will be ready to start all over. I really want to take that time to get in shape, take all the vitamins I can, volunteer around town and spend that time showing my husband how much I love him and appreciate him for everything he has given me the last few months and especially the last few weeks.

Thank you everyone who has contributed to me having a day like today.

God bless...

Rude Awakenings

Yesterday morning we were woken up by a phone call saying that our insurance denied coverage of my procedure that i was already scheduled for, and due in for the first appointment later that day. Oh, and i only had 2 hours to figure out how to pay for it out of pocket or they would have to cancel all of my appointments. Never mind the fact that i was only given 2 hours to figure all this out, i was also given the run around from every phone number i was provided to try and set up a payment plan.

Keep in mind all we were told was it was going to be anywhere from $5000-$6000. I thought it was hard coming up with an extra $400 for a plane ticket to the east coast (which i didn't). I haven't worked much in the last month or so due to pregnancy complications and now because of all this. I am not getting paid to be off, so being told we need thousands of dollars in a few days was completely out of the question.

When I inquired about WHY this was being denied i was told that it basically came down to insurance companies being influenced by religious groups. Because this procedure isn't "life threatening" to me, its not considered necessary. Despite being deemed "necessary" by our doctors for all of us, we are considered a gray area in the medical world. To our doctors, this procedure is 100% the best option for our situation, to our insurance this isn't an option at all. It made me more confident in our decision that we were doing the right thing when i had to spend hours fighting for it to happen. I couldn't believe how judgemental these medical 'professionals' were until they heard the whole story and only then did they want to help. In the end, we didn't get any help because of the stupid gray area we were stuck in. We are borrowing money from various resources to make this happen on time, because the only thing i am sure of, is the longer my pregnancy progresses it becomes a worse situation for all of us to be in. I still cant believe that outside forces can influence a service that we pay money into for our well being can make decisions based on what they like or don't like. It really just blows my mind.

By the time we figured everything out and that our appointments were still scheduled we had to rush to pack for the bay and get on the road. We had to stop at my doctors office (which has been in my home town since i had planned to deliver there) to pick up documentation to prove that my procedure was necessary- a last attempt to prove to insurance that they're ass holes, then off to our appointment with the surgeon. I have been debating on weather or not i should write what the appointment was like. I have always been an open book and i always believe that honest writing is the best writing. However, I am also a person that can consider all sides to a situation and even if i don't agree with them, i can respect them. So i will make this easy... if you don't want to know what my procedure was like please skip the next paragraph, if you do then read on. (I still wont put too much detail because its not needed.)

When we got to the surgeon's office i was surprised how nice the nurses were. At my OB when we went in for the consultation on which procedure i wanted the nurses wouldn't even look me in the eye. It was my first taste of being judged for making the decisions we have. So naturally, I expected the same, but they were all so nice and didn't treat me like I was a monster. They were even compassionate when I couldn't hide how anxious and scared I was. The surgeon reassured us that we were making the right decision and offered her condolences and talked to me like she understood how I was feeling. I think I did a pretty good job of hiding my terror for most of it, my husband might disagree. She explained what today's appointment was for (I wasn't ready to hear it any of the other times they tried to explain). Basically they were going to insert these wooden rods that would absorb all the liquid surrounding my cervix which would cause me to dilate. I was good up until it came time to start. By that point my fear and all the other emotions i was feeling took over and I started to cry. Kev came to sit next to me and hold my hand while they worked on me but I couldn't even look at him. I couldn't stop thinking that there was no going back now, and I kept trying to figure out how this had become my life. How in the world did this become my reality and why couldn't that phone call that morning have been that they had made a terrible mistake and our son was perfectly fine. I think it really hit me that we were at the beginning of the end. I started to really loose it after about 15 minutes between my emotions and the pain I was feeling (the worst cramps of my life.. probably what contractions feel like) that I really thought i was going to faint. I felt myself getting hot, my breaths were getting shorter and sharper and i could hear my heart beat in my head. Luckily the sweet nurse and the surgeon could tell that I was at my limit and decided we were done for the day. I have to go back for round 2 of the same today and I'm completely terrified.

I keep telling myself that all the pain I'm feeling emotionally and physically is MORE than worth it so my son doesn't have to ever be in pain. After everything we've been through in the last few weeks I feel like together we can take on anything. I wish that i was better at covering up the pain I feel so that my husband doesn't have to see it. Without him I really don't know where I would be in all this, to be cliche' he is my rock... more than my rock, he's my whole... mountain I guess. The fact that he can look at me and know to hold my hand, or to remind me he loves me is what helps me keep going.

I feel very blessed to have someone like him in my life, that this situation has only brought us closer together when I'm told a lot of couples don't survive these kinds of situations. We also feel so blessed that all of the people that we love have been showering us with support and prayers. We have a hard time talking about it, because it makes us very emotional but we couldn't be more thankful to all the people who have declared to wear blue tomorrow for our son. When I wrote about it in a previous post we never dreamed that so many people would want to show their support and wear blue too. I know it sounds cheesy but knowing that there will be this 'world of blue' as someone put it, will make that day a little better. We want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words, texts, private messages, prayers, good thoughts and e-mails. When we were ready to read them it was so wonderful, and from the bottom of our hearts we thank you, love you, and appreciate you.

18 Weeks

Today i hit 18 weeks in my pregnancy, and in a few days I'll be nothing.

I keep trying to figure out where i lost control of my body and my life. A friend of mine has a blog about her daughter and she wrote a post a while ago where she wondered at what point did her pregnancy change that ultimately made her whole life change. When i read it, it really affected me (and this is long before i experienced it first hand) and even though i didn't understand how that thought could make her feel, i now have an idea, because that single thought has taken over my mind. I can't help but think if i wanted children so bad then why didn't I do more to make sure i was healthy before conceiving? I did take pre-natal vitamins long before we got pregnant but i know i could have done more. I could have started working out sooner so i would be in better shape when it came time for delivery. I could have taken more supplements to compensate for the meat i don't regularly eat. Tons of things could have been different.

The doctors keep telling me that there was no way for us to know, no way to prevent what is happening to our son but its in black and white in all the research: moms who take more folic acid before conception dramatically reduce the risk of neural tube defects. I know that i can't obsess about this, but it just keeps popping up into my mind. No one in our family  had a history of spinal bifida so how in the world would we know to take extra precautions to prevent it? This is something I'm going to have to find a way to be OK with, the not knowing part and learning to forgive myself for it.

I got an e-mail from one of the baby websites i subscribed to about the stages of grief and I cant help but feel like I'm going to be in the angry stage forever. Each day is different, some days i wake up and feel fine, and others i just want to go crazy and destroy everything i see. Sometimes i feel like there aren't any words that sound good to me, so i don't say any and other times I just cry and try to figure out the gibberish coming out of my mouth between sobs. Other days its somewhere in between, like today.

On that same website I saw a forum where moms posted what they did to remember their little ones and one of them said that they wear black on the same date every year. I liked it, but i imagine our son is like us, and he wouldn't approve of black so i brought the idea up to my husband and we settled on blue. I told my best friend and she said she wanted to wear blue for Mason too and it made me so happy. I didn't expect that reaction from myself but it touched me, knowing that the day i will face the hardest decision i ever had to make, my best friend would do something as simple as wear blue and i know it will comfort me.

Last night when i was going to bed i was convinced that it would just be better if i didn't wake up, if i could sleep through the day i turned 18 weeks and wake up on Tuesday and deal with my feelings then. However, when i woke up my wonderful husband was sleeping next to me and i felt OK. Not good or bad, just OK and that gave me hope for the rest of the day. They say to visualize your future and it will come true and I guess there is some truth to it because i wanted to feel better and be better for my husband and today it was a little easier than yesterday.

Like i said before, we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet, that's on Thursday but hopefully things will keep going this direction, every day a little bit clearer, a little bit better.

Random Thoughts From the Other Side of Silent

I have found a few things to be thankful for in the middle of all this chaos. I've always been a 'small things' kind of person, and i never realized how good that is until the last few days.

Chocolate chip cookies: i know this is really cliche but ever since Wednesday i haven't had much of an appetite and every time i tried to eat my stomach would hurt more. Then i made these silly break away cookies to avoid something on TV that made me sad and they are the only thing that doesn't hurt my stomach when i force myself to eat. It's stupid... but I'll take it.

My kitties- they haven't left my side since we've been home. Its like they know i need silent comfort and they follow me from room to room, and cuddle up next to me every time i stop moving. I always thought people were crazy when they said that animals have an extra sense for when their owners are in trouble, but i think there is some truth to it. They aren't bothering me or getting in my way, they just want to cuddle and its always in the moment that i need it to be. I appreciate and love all the people that love us, but most feel the need to tell us how all of this makes them feel, and I'm still not in a place to hear it yet, so its nice to have 2 little companions that cant tell me how sad they are.

Dry Erase Calendars- i had to erase our upcoming appointments to see our midwife and OB, to make room for my pre and post op appointments. It was harder than i expected when it came time to erase- i felt my breath catch in my throat and even though my head was screaming 'no no no' my arm still did it. This is going to sound strange but if i had a normal calendar that i had written our appointments in pen, i would have had to see the scribbles for the old appointments. I know its probably weird to be thankful to be able to just erase some words, instead of my old future scratched out for my current one, but i am.

A few hours of silence- Like i said before, it's comforting to know how many people out there love us and feel something for us, and we are so grateful but yesterday my husband had to go back to work and i was grateful for the few hours of quiet i got before my phone started blowing up again. It was the first day that i wasn't forced to get out of bed, to make any decisions, to eat or be asked how i felt by Dr's assistants that didn't really care what the answer would be. I actually wanted to do all of these things. Although i missed him while he was at work, i was happy to be left alone. I know that my process of dealing with things is very different from most people, and i think that's why its so hard for people to understand how much i value silence. It doesn't always make sense but when i can focus on being quiet and still, by the time i have to move and talk what i need just comes to me.

Offers to fly across the country- I wish more than anything that i could afford to take a flight across the country and run away like i really want to, but with me being on bed rest for weeks and off work the next few weeks it just isn't our reality. I want nothing more than to hide in the cold where lobster is abundant and the Lasit-isms are exactly what you need to feel better. I also love the idea of avoiding the sad looks and lingering hugs that are waiting for me back home where our families are. (they mean well and are amazing people but i just cant look at one more face with sad eyes- i completely avoid looking in the mirror for that same reason)

This may not sound comforting to some people, but i haven't felt the bubbles from the baby moving since we found out he was sick. For me, this is comforting. Its like he knows me already and doesn't want my heart to break even more. Part of me feels like he is already taking care of us. I finally spent some time writing to him in the journal i started and i asked him to watch over Daddy. It's funny because last night when i went to sleep Kevin wrote to him to watch over me. I found it this morning before he woke up and felt so grateful to my two guys- both taking care of me in their own ways and i started to feel better. The best i felt in a few days actually- i just hope it lasts.

Distractions- I zone out and watch TV so i don't think too much and lucky for me Netflix is full of things to distract me. My animals are a form of entertainment all on their own. My best friend telling me about a hot guy. My husband has this way of making me laugh, especially when i don't want to. He's silly and likes to joke, so watching him around the house makes me feel calm. I spent some time looking at all our silly photos on the wall from the last (almost) 7 years and i started laughing before i even knew what i was doing. We have had this amazing journey together and i know its only just beginning, and that calms me down before i start to feel zombie-like.

My husband also wrote to our baby to help me feel joy again, because he misses my smile. Reading that made it really sink in that i need to try and get better. I need to find a way to find more and more things to be thankful for each day and get myself together. If not for me, at least for him.

Support

I woke myself up this morning crying. I didn't even know that was possible. The moment that everything came back into my memory all i could think was 'no thanks, I'd rather go back to sleep.' Its now been over 24 hours since we found out about Muffin's condition and made the decision to let him go to heaven. I know i should have some profound thought about it all, but I am numb. Our Dr called this morning and wants me to come in to discuss my options on how to move forward. It hit me after the call that how i am feeling right now is nothing compared to what is coming... we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet and i cant get out of bed as it is. We did decide to name him Mason, even if it never goes on a birth certificate, we want him to have a name that we picked for him.

I thought it would be out of the question to talk about all this, but after reading everyone's kind words it gave me some strength to try to figure this all out. I have this app called BabyBump that I've been addicted to since we found out we were pregnant, and i had posted about the first phone call from the Dr over a week ago, and then again last night looking for someone who has been through the same thing. I didn't find anyone, but i did find support that i didn't even knew existed. (the same to those of you who have found this through a friend.) I don't know if you can imagine how it feels unless you are going through it, but to hear from people that don't know you, that you've never met and have them tell you that your strong and and they are praying for you is incredibly powerful. Even though i don't feel strong right now, it makes me want to try and be strong for my baby and my husband.

Where do we fit in with all of this though? I'm not sure who to turn to while we make the decisions on how to proceed and how to get help after. We aren't really in the sick kid category, stillborn, or SIDS. We aren't really in the miscarriage category either. I feel closer to those grieving a miscarriage because it was sudden and unplanned, but it's still not the same. I don't expect to find support from my church friends, for a lot of people what we are doing goes against their beliefs. I cant speak for them, but for as mad as i am with God for this being a part of my path, i feel in my heart he doesn't want our baby to suffer, so even though some might disagree i know we are making the right decision and my faith is in tact.

In this moment in time we are leaning towards being induced so i can deliver little Mason and we can have some time as a family to say our goodbyes. I'm not sure if this is the right decision yet, it might be easier to be put to sleep, but i don't want to one day wake up and regret that i didn't hold him and tell him how much i love him. Kevin is so supportive, he wants whatever i want. I just don't know how anyone comes back from that experience and if i am feeling this amount of despair now, I'm not sure which option will actually break me.

There is comfort in knowing that i picked the right person to spend my life with and make these decisions. When we found out, i couldn't talk, but when i did we were in complete agreement. There is something powerful in being able to communicate without words, and knowing that this person is your true other half, and that no matter what I'm feeling- he's feeling it too. I just wish i could be more like him and keep going. He's so strong that sometimes i forget that his heart can break too. He takes such good care of me when i cant eat, sleep or even bring myself to get out of bed, that i worry he isn't getting what he needs from me. Then i remember him telling me when we first started dating that his way of moving on is taking care of things for everyone else. When he comes and hugs me to make sure I'm OK I realize that he needs that hug too. I need to write, he needs to 'do'... i am so blessed to have this man, and while all of this is horrible, i know i am going through it with the right person.

The Ending Before the Beginning

Last week we got a call that our genetic pre-screening came back positive for neural tube defects and that we would need to go in for a detailed ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. That could mean a lot of things but the worst case scenario was spinal bifida. I freaked out of course, and spent many sleepless nights worrying until our appointment today. My only saving grace during each day was that I had read there was a very high percentage of false positives on these tests, so i was convincing myself that nothing would be wrong, and that we could deal with it if there was.

Our appointment today, did not go the way i had hoped. We got the opposite news that we had hoped for: our baby has severe spinal bifida. It's hard to describe, but basically the spine is missing pieces and some of it is growing in a sack outside the the body and its pulling on the baby's brain. The Dr explained that they quality of life for our baby would be awful, and that we could choose to see a neural surgeon but they couldn't see a good outcome, or we could let our baby go.

We found out in the same appointment that Muffin is a boy. I was annoyed that it wasn't a girl like i thought it was, and then 10 minutes later we're told that our baby's quality of life would be horrible and given some options on how to deal with the situation. We sat in a conference room waiting for the counselor to come talk to us and all i could think was how could i have been such a bitch to be disappointed that our baby is a boy. Then i thought about having to tell our parents, and the people who care about us and i couldn't hold myself together anymore. The sounds i made while trying to talk I'd never heard myself make before, and i couldn't stop them.

We decided that it would be selfish to make our baby live a painful and hard life, so now we have to prepare ourselves to say goodbye and find a way to survive this. Its hard to describe all the things that go through your head while making this decision, and its the hardest thing either of us has ever had to decide, but we know we are making the right decision for our baby. He doesn't deserve the life that he is sure to have if we were to continue our pregnancy, and there is some comfort in our decision. However much our hearts are breaking its better that we feel pain, than our baby.

I'm finding strength in my husband, he is so strong for both of us in the moments that my strength has run out. This entire pregnancy has brought us closer together (something i didn't think possible) and i know that this experience will too... but for now...

I'm angry. I feel like my body betrayed me. It put me through hell in my first trimester only to rob me of ever holding my little muffin in my arms. I feel angry that I have diligently kept a journal chronicling everything that's happened, letting muffin know how much we wanted him and love him, only for him to never read it. I hate all the things in our apartment that make me cry then second i look at them. I'm angry at God, what the fuck are you trying to teach me? That those stupid bitches on 16 and pregnant deserve a baby more than us? We did everything we were supposed to- we dated for a LONG time to make sure we were a good fit, we got married, and then we went to the Dr to make sure we did everything right when it came to planning for a baby- we WANTED this baby so badly but nope, in an instant our world came crumbling down. 'Sorry guys- not you, not this time!'

I know that we are young, and we can try again- but right now i feel like i will never be ok. Like I'll never breathe again, and I'll just be waiting for the day like today where my body betrays me once again. How do people get through things like this? I find comfort in writing my feelings out, talking with my husband but will it ever be enough for me to feel ok again? Will i relive the amount of pain i feel right now every time someone asks what happened? Or people who haven't heard that ask how the baby is doing? I know myself very well and i have gone into almost catatonic or zombie-like stages over less in the past, so i know seeking help will be a must for me. I don't know where to start or even how to start...  I do know that right now i cant handle seeing people's faces, or hearing their words of comfort... I know so many people will have the best intentions when they hear our news, but if you could all do us a favor and let us grieve alone- that is what we need right now.

Thank you to everyone that we love and love us.