Yesterday was the first day in a very long time (approximately 2 months) that i didn't feel sick for the majority of the day. Today i am feeling good too... so i thought, hey, why not try to get some writing done? Unfortunately, i spent a lot of time just staring at a computer with nothing ready to be put on paper (so to speak). I had thought my writers block was from me being sick all the time, that my brain couldn't possibly focus on anything else. Now however, i don't have that barrier, and still nothing...
I have a lot of things on my mind:
1. baby names
2. weight gain/loss
3. how not to be annoying and always talk about my pregnancy even though its the only thing on my mind
4. sex... sorry family... just being honest
5. annoyances that i cant actually write about- or i could but never let anyone read it, which to me is the exact same thing as just keeping it to myself... which seems like a frustrating endless cycle...
6. work
7. ways to avoid offending people when they are shoving another useless piece of baby info down my throat
8. our impending move back to the bay area and the longer list of concerns regarding that
9. food food food food food... i cant tell you how much pleasure it brings now that i don't have to stress about what it will be like coming back up
10. new ways to paint my nails (that's the only fun one)
11. i want to help people... i need to figure out how
12. cleaning and how much i hate it
13. finding time to decorate for xmas because i know that will improve mood instantly
However, most of these things would be boring for anyone but me to read about... so where do i start? I tried to work on my book, but i find that i spend more time re-reading and re-editing than i do actually writing new material. I have other ideas for books, but i am not sure bouncing back and forth between the 3 is the best way to actually finish any of them...
I was hoping that by getting all the nonsense out of my brain i would have a moment of clarity... that is just not the case today. I have the next 2 days off i and i think i should spend them painting and writing and maybe I'll strike inspiration... i think its best i end this post though, i am even boring myself!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
There's a Taylor Swift song for that...
Lots of people like to make fun of me for my complete devotion to Taylor Swift. I can't help it, i just love her. I love her songs, and the way her lyrics are so personal to her but seem to speak to millions of people. I know they speak to me, in fact, when i started writing a book i seriously considered naming it "There's a Taylor Swift Song For That". Instead, i am calling it 'The Boyfriend Book'. Now don't go stealing the awesome name i came up with! I totally own it ;)
The book is a humorous look at all the different types of men (and believe me BOYS) i have met, dated, missed out on, and everything in between. I wanted to be like Taylor, and let my experiences speak to someone else. Some of them good, most of them bad, and then the final chapter about my Prince Charming to give girls like me hope. I have talked about my past, how i refused to let people in, and it was lonely. I did however search for help in music and in books. I started writing it in hopes that even if one person read it and got what i was trying to say, then i did a good job.
Here is an example: a boy that is right for me in all the best ways, but I crave the boy that's bad for me in all the same ways? "The way I Loved You", the time i 'misplaced' my... flower... "Fifteen", the way i felt when i figured out that Kevin was the one? "Mine", when I first meet a guy and cant wait for that first text or phone call "Sparks Fly", an ex that knows exactly what to say to me to crumble me? "Mean", the way it felt when i walked away from someone and it almost killed me? "Last Kiss, Haunted,Your Not Sorry", The crush that unknowingly made me feel like i wasn't good enough? "Invisible"... i really could go on forever, but i think you get the idea.
I've been working on it for over 2 years and keep getting stuck. It is very easy to write the funny stories, and its even easier to express how some of these guys (especially the ones i didn't actually date) influenced me and helped me be a better person. The 2 i am stuck on, are really hard to write. One of them is hard to express because its a perfect balance of bliss and misery and it lasted many years. Its hard to express how i feel about a lot of things that happened. I keep trying to find the words to express how he helped me, and how pieces of me were shattered in the process.
The other one that is hard to write- now don't laugh- its because its a whole lot harder to write about complete and utter happiness. It is unfairly easy to write about all the break ups and heart aches. I even tried to write a simple blog post about how my 11-11-11 11:11 wish was for my husband to know how much i appreciate him... i got maybe 2 sentences after staring at the computer for an hour and gave up.
Its hard too, because i have a pipe dream to publish it someday, but i would never want to offend any of the guys in it. I have come up with quirky cute nick names to protect their identity- the last thing i want is to offend anyone, and unless you are me or that person i don't think you would figure it out. I want to do each person justice. I want to make sure i get it right, that i take responsibility in each story for the things that went wrong (because really all the credit is to Kevin for the one success story). Each story is important because it leads up to who i am, and I'm not out to bash any of them (no matter who may deserve it) and they all lead into what i have now with my hubby... we wouldn't be the same couple if we didn't have our pasts, and its bittersweet to feel grateful to all of them.
A disclaimer, if i dated you, your probably in the book.I hope you can trust that i wrote the truth as close as i can remember it, so if by some miracle sometime in the future it does get published, i hope you can appreciate my perspective on things. Its scary too, to admit how much some people meant to me, so for that part I'm excited for them to read it and see the truth i kept to myself. On the other hand, maybe no one will ever read it, and i can just do this for myself, since that's how it all started out anyway.
I'm not going to lie, its also completely terrifying!
The book is a humorous look at all the different types of men (and believe me BOYS) i have met, dated, missed out on, and everything in between. I wanted to be like Taylor, and let my experiences speak to someone else. Some of them good, most of them bad, and then the final chapter about my Prince Charming to give girls like me hope. I have talked about my past, how i refused to let people in, and it was lonely. I did however search for help in music and in books. I started writing it in hopes that even if one person read it and got what i was trying to say, then i did a good job.
Here is an example: a boy that is right for me in all the best ways, but I crave the boy that's bad for me in all the same ways? "The way I Loved You", the time i 'misplaced' my... flower... "Fifteen", the way i felt when i figured out that Kevin was the one? "Mine", when I first meet a guy and cant wait for that first text or phone call "Sparks Fly", an ex that knows exactly what to say to me to crumble me? "Mean", the way it felt when i walked away from someone and it almost killed me? "Last Kiss, Haunted,Your Not Sorry", The crush that unknowingly made me feel like i wasn't good enough? "Invisible"... i really could go on forever, but i think you get the idea.
I've been working on it for over 2 years and keep getting stuck. It is very easy to write the funny stories, and its even easier to express how some of these guys (especially the ones i didn't actually date) influenced me and helped me be a better person. The 2 i am stuck on, are really hard to write. One of them is hard to express because its a perfect balance of bliss and misery and it lasted many years. Its hard to express how i feel about a lot of things that happened. I keep trying to find the words to express how he helped me, and how pieces of me were shattered in the process.
The other one that is hard to write- now don't laugh- its because its a whole lot harder to write about complete and utter happiness. It is unfairly easy to write about all the break ups and heart aches. I even tried to write a simple blog post about how my 11-11-11 11:11 wish was for my husband to know how much i appreciate him... i got maybe 2 sentences after staring at the computer for an hour and gave up.
Its hard too, because i have a pipe dream to publish it someday, but i would never want to offend any of the guys in it. I have come up with quirky cute nick names to protect their identity- the last thing i want is to offend anyone, and unless you are me or that person i don't think you would figure it out. I want to do each person justice. I want to make sure i get it right, that i take responsibility in each story for the things that went wrong (because really all the credit is to Kevin for the one success story). Each story is important because it leads up to who i am, and I'm not out to bash any of them (no matter who may deserve it) and they all lead into what i have now with my hubby... we wouldn't be the same couple if we didn't have our pasts, and its bittersweet to feel grateful to all of them.
A disclaimer, if i dated you, your probably in the book.I hope you can trust that i wrote the truth as close as i can remember it, so if by some miracle sometime in the future it does get published, i hope you can appreciate my perspective on things. Its scary too, to admit how much some people meant to me, so for that part I'm excited for them to read it and see the truth i kept to myself. On the other hand, maybe no one will ever read it, and i can just do this for myself, since that's how it all started out anyway.
I'm not going to lie, its also completely terrifying!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Forcefeeding
I have always been a fairly independent thinker. I can say with 100% honesty that has not always been the case. When i was younger i obsessed about that other people thought so most of the time i didn't voice my opinion, even if i was offended by someone Else's. I thought it was easier to keep the peace and keep it to myself, while making a mental note not to bring up that subject again.
When i met my husband, all that changed. He actually encouraged me to say what i thought, and because i wanted to please him i would tell him that i really thought and then cringe while i waited for his response. People joke all the time that men are predictable, and my husband is no exception. I didn't know what to expect from him, but i was surprised to find that he has always valued my opinion, even if it is different than his. Luckily, our opinions don't differ much, so it feels good to finally have that freedom to say what i think or what I'm going through and know that he will always understand. The amount of people i have found with this ability, are fewer than i can count on my hand, but when i find them i don't ever let them go. There is nothing more valuable to me in a friendship than this quality. I think that's why i believe with all my heart that my husband, is my absolute best friend in the entire world.
Now we move on to everyone else. I noticed it when i was getting married that everyone wanted to give me their opinion, and lets face it, i didn't want it. I am a girl yes, but i am also an event planner by trade so i had my wedding pretty much planned out from the moment i figured out Kevin and i were playing for keeps. I didn't want help, i just wanted it done the way we had planned for it. I learned a lot of ways to get out of these types of conversations where i would be force fed and told what i supposedly 'wanted'.
I am finding out more and more now that i am expecting our first child, that people are even MORE aggressive with the information they want to shove down your throat. It is harder to evade these people because i find myself cornered most of the time, and find that its easier to just agree with them so they leave me alone. I don't know if its because its my first baby, or if people will be like this forever, but its driving me absolutely crazy- and with my hormones already out of whack I'm finding it harder and harder not to verbally bitch slap these people that only want to tell me the horrible things that could happen to me. I was talking to my mother in law about this over dinner last night and she helped me figure it out: it is plain and simple: it doesn't help to hear these things, especially if I'm not at the place where it matters to hear it yet.
I don't want your advise, unless i ask for it. I am a first time mom, I'm sure i will have questions, but can you please wait until I'm ready to know? I have found great help from the people i feel comfortable asking questions to. However, hearing about how horrible this and that can be from people i didn't ask... let me tell you a secret: your only making yourself feel better by 'letting me know', your NOT helping! I am getting more and more afraid, that this will only get worse when i actually have the baby and everyone is going to tell me how to raise it, discipline it, feed it ect. I don't go into anything unprepared, and i definitely wont go into being a mom without doing as much research as i can and with my husband and i making our OWN decisions about it. It just simply won't happen.
I find it strange too, the amount of people who think they're entitled to know every detail that is going on with my body. I don't want to talk to you about my BM's... i don't want to talk to you about my birth plan, (because you'll only try to 1. tell me I'm crazy or 2. force what you did on me). If i offer things up then fine, lets talk about it but lets get one thing clear: i DO NOT want to be force fed your horror story! I think the other thing that is baffling to me is the amount of people who think they should be with me when the baby is coming, or who think they are entitled to a phone call when i go into delivery. Seriously!? I cant apologize for the fact that i will have BETTER THINGS GOING ON then remember to shoot you a text with 'im in labor ;)'. The only person that is going to be with me and my child is my husband, our parents will get the calls that its going on but that's it... they can call whoever they want, but if anyone thinks they are going to get in on my lady business is just outright crazy!!!
I think we've been over this before, if its not my idea... I'm usually not into it. Granted the only other opinion in this world i truly care about is my husbands and we are on the same page. There is no way he is letting anyone in the delivery room, letting anyone talk to me about all the things that can go wrong (because he is the one stuck calming me down) and he doesn't care what anyone Else's opinion is. Its ours. The baby, is OURS, and what we do with it is up to us, so here is our message to the universe: back the heck off already! geepers!!!!
OK, rantings of a hormonal pregnant woman are over. PS if you see the lady that pissed me off at the gas station still standing there with her jaw dropped, tell her i said hi.
Have an fantastic non-force fed day!
When i met my husband, all that changed. He actually encouraged me to say what i thought, and because i wanted to please him i would tell him that i really thought and then cringe while i waited for his response. People joke all the time that men are predictable, and my husband is no exception. I didn't know what to expect from him, but i was surprised to find that he has always valued my opinion, even if it is different than his. Luckily, our opinions don't differ much, so it feels good to finally have that freedom to say what i think or what I'm going through and know that he will always understand. The amount of people i have found with this ability, are fewer than i can count on my hand, but when i find them i don't ever let them go. There is nothing more valuable to me in a friendship than this quality. I think that's why i believe with all my heart that my husband, is my absolute best friend in the entire world.
Now we move on to everyone else. I noticed it when i was getting married that everyone wanted to give me their opinion, and lets face it, i didn't want it. I am a girl yes, but i am also an event planner by trade so i had my wedding pretty much planned out from the moment i figured out Kevin and i were playing for keeps. I didn't want help, i just wanted it done the way we had planned for it. I learned a lot of ways to get out of these types of conversations where i would be force fed and told what i supposedly 'wanted'.
I am finding out more and more now that i am expecting our first child, that people are even MORE aggressive with the information they want to shove down your throat. It is harder to evade these people because i find myself cornered most of the time, and find that its easier to just agree with them so they leave me alone. I don't know if its because its my first baby, or if people will be like this forever, but its driving me absolutely crazy- and with my hormones already out of whack I'm finding it harder and harder not to verbally bitch slap these people that only want to tell me the horrible things that could happen to me. I was talking to my mother in law about this over dinner last night and she helped me figure it out: it is plain and simple: it doesn't help to hear these things, especially if I'm not at the place where it matters to hear it yet.
I don't want your advise, unless i ask for it. I am a first time mom, I'm sure i will have questions, but can you please wait until I'm ready to know? I have found great help from the people i feel comfortable asking questions to. However, hearing about how horrible this and that can be from people i didn't ask... let me tell you a secret: your only making yourself feel better by 'letting me know', your NOT helping! I am getting more and more afraid, that this will only get worse when i actually have the baby and everyone is going to tell me how to raise it, discipline it, feed it ect. I don't go into anything unprepared, and i definitely wont go into being a mom without doing as much research as i can and with my husband and i making our OWN decisions about it. It just simply won't happen.
I find it strange too, the amount of people who think they're entitled to know every detail that is going on with my body. I don't want to talk to you about my BM's... i don't want to talk to you about my birth plan, (because you'll only try to 1. tell me I'm crazy or 2. force what you did on me). If i offer things up then fine, lets talk about it but lets get one thing clear: i DO NOT want to be force fed your horror story! I think the other thing that is baffling to me is the amount of people who think they should be with me when the baby is coming, or who think they are entitled to a phone call when i go into delivery. Seriously!? I cant apologize for the fact that i will have BETTER THINGS GOING ON then remember to shoot you a text with 'im in labor ;)'. The only person that is going to be with me and my child is my husband, our parents will get the calls that its going on but that's it... they can call whoever they want, but if anyone thinks they are going to get in on my lady business is just outright crazy!!!
I think we've been over this before, if its not my idea... I'm usually not into it. Granted the only other opinion in this world i truly care about is my husbands and we are on the same page. There is no way he is letting anyone in the delivery room, letting anyone talk to me about all the things that can go wrong (because he is the one stuck calming me down) and he doesn't care what anyone Else's opinion is. Its ours. The baby, is OURS, and what we do with it is up to us, so here is our message to the universe: back the heck off already! geepers!!!!
OK, rantings of a hormonal pregnant woman are over. PS if you see the lady that pissed me off at the gas station still standing there with her jaw dropped, tell her i said hi.
Have an fantastic non-force fed day!
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